Broken (The Outsiders Series) (9 page)

Vandelya turns back around.
“What else?” she asks. “Why are you here? Why do you hang out with them if you’re willing to talk to me, Carter? What makes you so different than they are, huh?”

“They don’t all have perfect lives, you know.”

There it goes, that look of sadness. But it’s true. They aren’t all perfect. Ryan’s dad was a jerk to him. And Lane’s story about her mom is the worst. But I can’t tell her that. It’s their own business, and I can’t get in the middle of it. It’s not my story to tell.

“
You just don’t get it,” she whispers.

I stand up. I’m so tired of this girl feeling sorry for herself. She needs to stop telling me that I don’t get it. I told her some stuff. It’s her turn now. “What don’t I get, Vandelya? Because I’ll never get it if you don’t tell me! Don’t you see that?” My voice is loud now. I hate to admit that I’m yelling a
t her, but it’s the truth – the real truth this time.

She just looks up at me. Her green eyes are kind of cloudy, but she doesn’t look like she’s going to cry. She looks determined and serious. “Anne Marie doesn’t like me for whatever reason she has. And because of those unknown reasons, she attacks me,” she says. She bites her lip and closes her eyes for a second. I watch her breathe in and out, and I can tell that she’s calming herself down.
When she’s done, she opens her eyes again.

“She put that sign up,” I state.

Vandelya nods.

“Why? Why don’t I see her doing that stuff?” I’m yelling again, and I’m throwing my arms all over the place now.

“Colton likes to talk to me because he likes my mom. He’s nice to me, and Anne Marie doesn’t want him to see that side of her.”

Whoa. Colton can be nice. That’s serious news to me, since he was a jackass to Ryan and me. “Why does he like you
r mom, Vandelya? I don’t really get it, because he’s a jerk to me most days.”

“He doesn’t want you to take Anne Marie from him,” Vandelya says with a sigh.

“What are you talking about now, Vandelya?”

“The way all the girls are talking about you worries him. Katie apparently cheated. And they’re sisters. What would stop Anne Marie from cheating on him?”
Wait. So Colton just thinks I’m going to steal his girlfriend from him? And, just like she’s reading my mind, Vandelya nods once. I sit back down, making sure that I’m closer to her.

“So the story about you bullying Anne Marie is a lie. And she tells everyone so that they won’t double cross her or some crap.”

“I guess,” Vandelya says.

“That’s so stupid. Look, Vandelya, we can get her to stop. Why don’t you just stand up to her?”

“Carter, she’s got the whole school against me,” Vandelya whispers. “There’s nothing I can do about her.” She shrugs and stands up. She looks over at me and sighs. “Don’t tell anyone about this, Carter. I just want things to be normal for me, okay? Please keep this to yourself.”

“Normal, as in what happened today with the sign? And Lane and Brooke cornering you in the bathroom? Is that normal for you?”

Vandelya blushes. She clearly didn’t want me to see that, but she can’t do anything about it now.

“I want to stop them. I can’t let them hurt you like that, Vandelya. Can’t you see that I just want to help?”

A tear falls down her cheek. “You can’t help me. The best thing you can do is leave me alone. Don’t follow me when I leave. Don’t look for me, don’t talk about me. Just let me do this on my own.” And with that, she turns to leave. She doesn’t offer to lead me out of the woods this time. And she doesn’t give me a chance to argue either.

As always, she just leaves.
And as always, I’m left thinking of her.

As I walk home, I start to put the pieces together. Anne Marie is a bully. Vandelya is her wounded bird. And who am I? I’m trying to be Vandelya’s knight in shining armor. Why? Because I like her; I like her a lot.

She’s got this determined innocence, this strong weakness, and the irony of it all frustrates me. She’s a long piece of poetry that I can’t understand, because she won’t help me interpret the meaning of the words. And part of me suffers when she walks away. It’s like a cliffhanger ending. And she leaves me wanting more.

9

I try my hardest not to look for her.
I try my hardest not to think about her. But she’s consuming my every thought. It’s like my mind’s on fire and I can’t put it out. The knowledge that Anne Marie is making Vandelya’s life a living hell, keeps me from making friendly conversation with her or the other girls. I lean toward Colton, because I want him to see that I won’t take Anne Marie from him. I have to convince him, because he might be the only one to help me take Anne Marie down for good. These thoughts of rebellion and stuff consume me all day, and during fourth, I work on the project with Vandelya. The other classes are nothing to me now. She’s the only thing I see.

“Mr. Daniels,” Jeb calls from the porch
that Saturday. “Something’s up with you boy. Could it be a girl?” He winks, but I don’t really see it because I’m focused on axing this dead Pine in his backyard.

I shake my head and focus on Jeb. “What did you ask me, Mr. Mason?”

He just laughs and repeats his question. My thoughts immediately fly to her face, and I’m surrounded by her green eyes and southern accent; the way she says my name echoes through my head.

“Kind of,” I admit to him. “And I really want to ask her to the winter formal, but I don’t think she’ll go for it.”

Jeb gets up and waves me to follow him inside. “Come on, son. Follow me,” he says as he leads me upstairs. When we get up there, he opens up his closet and pulls out an expensive looking tux. It looks like it would fit me. He holds it out and tells me to put the jacket on. I do, and he pulls in a deep breath.

“I knew it would fit you,” he says.
Then he smiles proudly, like a real father would. “Let’s decide how you’re gonna ask her now. Come on,” he says as he stalks out of the room and waits in the hall. I smile and follow him. Maybe this is a good idea, and it’s a way I can tell Vandelya how I feel. It will make it easier on both of us.

So I listen to what Jeb says. And I agree with every word of his plan. It’s perfect. And I’m ready.

---

The next Monday
afternoon, I’m waiting in the library. The dance is on Friday, and I pulled Mrs. Marshall aside earlier in the day and told her what I was going to do. She was pretty excited. She liked the idea and even offered to set it all up for me during third block. Now that I’m here, looking at the sign and red velvet cupcake – it’s Vandelya’s favorite – I’m afraid.

The bell that
Mrs. Marshall promised to ring when Vandelya walks in rings. The chime echoes down the aisles until it reaches me, and my heart skips a beat. I know that she didn’t see this coming. But she probably can’t see what she does to me. She can’t see that she haunts me, that I can’t let her go. She can’t see that, for some reason, she makes me whole. And that pond is my favorite place, because it’s somewhere only we know. Because, in a way, it’s our place.

“Carter?” whispers her small voice.
The question scares me because she sounds like she’s scared. She sounds uncertain and tired.

I turn around and swallow when I see her perfect face. “Vandelya,” I start. But she’s shaking her head. She’s stepping backwards and her hands are held out to me, palms open and facing me. Oh my gosh, she didn’t want this from me. She told me to leave her alone and she meant it.  She doesn’t feel the same way about me. She couldn’t, no wouldn’t. She would never date someone like me: a liar.

And she
runs
away from me this time. As she runs, she takes my heart with her. I feel it dragging on the floor at her feet. And I’m shattering into a thousand pieces. Because she didn’t even stick around to listen to me or what I had to say to her. And it’s taken me this long to muster the courage that slipped away when she left me standing here. But what did I do wrong?

I sit down and put my face in my hands. How could I have been so stupid? I was wrong, and I let Jeb and Mrs. Marshall convince me that I had a chance. But she would never give me a chance, because she d
oesn’t know me. I didn’t answer those questions honestly.

But would she want me if she knew the truth about me? An average runaway with an abused mother that was too weak to choose her child over her abuser?
A kid that was too ashamed of his past so he made up lies? No, she would never choose me. No one would. Because if my own mother can’t love me, then why would she want to love me? Why should anyone be forced to love me?

“Carter?” asks Mrs. Marshall.

I look up to see her looking at me. She sits down and offers me a side-hug before pulling away. She offers me one of those weird smiles where you just make your lips straight or something.

“I’ve known you for a few weeks, Carter. And I know you aren’t crying over that girl. What is it that you’re keeping within yourself, honey? What’s wrong?” She puts her hand on my back and rubs it lightly.

“My mom doesn’t love me,” I tell her. “Why did I think I had a chance with Vandelya if my mom can’t pick me over her boyfriend, Mrs. Marshall?”

Mrs. Marshall sighs. “Carter, every man is worth loving. But you need to
know how to love first. Do you know what love is like?”

I shake my head.

She smiles and closes her eyes for a moment. It’s like she’s remembering something nice, and I watch her smile before opening her eyes again. “Love is feeling whole when you’re broken. It’s finding the person that completes you in more than one way. That person can’t just satisfy one need. They must be, as they say, the entire package. And love isn’t forced. It just happens one day. Something about it is magic, the way you wake up and find that the world is in Technicolor; when that happens to you, Carter, you’re in love. But don’t expect Ms. Vandelya to fall first.”

I bite the inside of my cheek while I think about what she said. Lane satisfied a physical need. Vandelya made me happy and whole. But something in the back of my mind still told me that she wouldn’t love me. And this wasn’t something that Mrs. Marshall knew about. This was my own battle.

“Feeling better?” she asks me a minute later.

I
nod and stand up. I turn and start to take the sign down. She asks me if I need help but I tell her that I need to think some more. She leaves me alone, and I think about what she said, about what Jeb said about my mother not knowing how to love me. Maybe I don’t know how to love someone either.

And when I’m finished cleaning, I toss it all in the trash and head out to the field. I know she won’t be there, because she knows I’ll go. But it makes me feel better too. I like sitting there, watching the water move back and forth over the small pond. I like watching the small fish jump. The thought of seeing it in spring or summer still makes me happy, and I
let my imagination make pictures of what it would look like.

I’m jolted out of the perfect picture in my head when something touches my shoulder. I turn around, half expecting that I’ll have to knock someone out. I don’t though, because it’s Vandelya. And she’s standing behind me with her hands clasped in front of her. She’s twisting side-to-side, and it’s making me nervous.

“What are you doing?” I ask her. I can’t help it. The silence is killing me right now. And the wave of hope that rushes through my body doesn’t help.

“I wanted to see if you were okay,” she says. “I didn’t really expect that, Carter. You don’t talk to me outside of the library.” She holds her hand out when I open my mouth to protest. “And I told you not to. You’re right, Carter. And I mean it.
Look, we’ve got a couple more days to finish this project and I don’t want my reaction to your question to ruin it. We have a lot to accomplish before Friday, and I want to finish this before then. Can we please do that, Carter?”

“We have too much to finish, Vandelya.”

She shakes her head. “We have enough time if we work.” She moves to sit next to me, and now that she’s not standing with her arms in front of her, I feel better, more at home.

“Vandelya?” I ask her.

“Hm?”

“
What’s the worst thing Anne Marie’s ever done to you?” I wait there while she thinks, even if she’s not searching for answers. I just have to talk to her. I have to feel connected to her. I have to feel the way I feel when we’re just us two. No pressure, no hope. Just us, being who we are. Except me – of course.

“I guess she’s threatened to hurt me. But she never has,” she whispers. “I hope she never does.”

A surge of anger and annoyance pushes through my veins. “She won’t,” I say. “I wouldn’t let her hurt you.” And I know right then, that I would do anything to stop Anne Marie. And I will stop her – physically, if I have to. And I don’t mind getting kicked out of Mason County High if I do.

“You’re always so quick to say you’ll defend me, Carter. But you’re not there when it happens. You’re not there to make me feel better when I’m upset. You can’t stop her. She’s invisible and I never know what to expect from her.”

All I hear is that she needs someone to hold her when she cries. And I want that to be me. She deserves someone that will hold her and tell her she’s beautiful. She deserves someone that will hurt Anne Marie for what she’s done. I don’t want it to sound like she deserves me, but I would do those things if she would let me. And I take a deep breath, because I want to tell her the truth about how I feel. No, I have to. Because if I don’t, I might cease to be me. And I can’t lose all of me, not like this, not with her.

“Vandelya,” I start. But she stands up. Again? Seriously?

Next thing I know, she’s running away from me. I stand up, ready to shout her name, when some figures emerge from the opposite end of the field. I catch glimpses of Ryan and Brooke, Anne Marie and Colton, and Todd with Lane and Katie.

“We were wondering where you were going, man. This is a pretty cool place, kid. Thanks for showing us,” Ryan says when he approaches me.

Lane moves closer to me. “How are things going with Vandelya? Almost done with that project with her?”

I nod a couple times but choose not to speak.

“You aren’t listening to her lies are you?” Anne Marie asks while she looks at her fingernails. She smiles and runs her thumbs over them before looking up at me with her icy eyes.

I open my mouth, ready to snap on her skank ass, when Vandelya’s voice tells me not to do anything. I know it’s my subconscious and not her, but I stop. I keep talking, though, because I don’t want it to look like I believe her over Anne Marie and stuff. “I’m listening to what she’s telling me, and I’m remembering it for the project presentation. I care about my grades more than your feud with her.”

This is when Colton steps up to the plate. “Anne Marie, what’s up with you and Vandelya? Did you say something to her about her father?”

Her father? What is he talking about?

“What? No way, Colton! I wouldn’t hurt Vandelya on purpose. You know I know that you care about her.” Anne Marie leans into Colton and gives him a pouty face. In reality, she looks like a wet dog, but everyone has to date someone, I guess.

Colton answers by kissing her, and everyone cheers about it. By everyone, I mean the other girls out here. And suddenly, I remember where we are. We are in Vandelya’s place. And I led them here. I led them right to this spot without knowing. But I’m sure Vandelya doesn’t see it that way. I have to talk to her about it.
Soon.

“Ryan,” Brooke whines a minute
later, “can we get out of here now? There are bugs and junk. I don’t want to be here anymore. You should take me to your place.”

Ryan lights up, and I know what’s coming my way. “We would get caught over there. I’m still in trouble from the fight,” he says as he glances at Todd. He looks over at me next, silently asking me before actually asking. But when everyone else looks at me expectantly, I have to let him.

“Carter’s parents let him live in an apartment during the weeks. They live too far away or something.” That lie sounded better than the lame excuse I came up with.

And next thing I know, we’re headed that way. The whole time, Lane is on my arm. She’s desperately clinging to me, because everyone else has someone right now. We’re the only ones that are single. And since there’s no way in hell Vandelya will ever like me, I let her hold on to my arm. When we make it to the sidewalk, I even thro
w my arm over her shoulder. And when we get to my apartment, we make out while the others hook up in different rooms.

When they leave, I feel like crap. I wasn’t supposed to be taking my disappointment out like that. It could hurt Vandelya, and that’s the last thing I want to do. But seeing Lane at school the next day is worse than wearing Velcro overalls. She won’t leave me alone. And I know Vandelya can’t miss it. It’s all everyone is talking about.