Broken World (9 page)

I’m starting to panic. I focus on the baby’s round face and taking deep breaths. I can’t think about Chris right now. I can’t think about being pregnant. Instead, I concentrate hard on the task at hand.

I survive the natal ward. By the time it’s noon and time for me to go, I’ve fed fifteen babies. I strip mechanically, struggling to maintain the thin layer of control I have over myself. I even manage to smile at Robin as I walk off the pediatric floor. Safe in an elevator, I slump. My body shakes, and I feel sick.

Hopping off on the second floor, I double-check the browser I have open on my phone to the directory of the hospital. The second floor is where I want to be. But first, I go to the nearest bathroom.

I throw up. Clinging to the toilet seat, I vomit everything I’ve eaten for the whole weekend, or so it feels. When my stomach stops heaving, I sag against the wall. My head throbs, and I prop it upon the heels of my hands. Calming, I pull out my phone and text Chris.

Fuck you.

I don’t know what else to say. I’ll piss off my keeper, but I don’t care. I want him to be as upset as I am right now. I want him to feel my pain, because it’s raw again, and it’s not going away.

My phone vibrates.

I need you to be sure.
His response isn’t what I expect.
Are you okay?

I feel sick, but I call him.

“Chris,” I can barely say his name.

“Hey, Mia,” he replied softly. “I’m sorry I upset you.”

I nod. I can’t really talk.

“You’re so young to be making such a decision, Mia. I know you’re confused and angry. I don’t want you doing something that you can’t live with later,” he continues.

I’m struck again by how much more concerned he is for me than my own father.

“They’re so little,” I manage.

“You were that little once, too,” he says. “I was with your mother at the hospital when you were born. You cried when everyone else held you, but not when I did.”

Of course he was there. I was born during re-election season. It’s not like my daddy would’ve taken time out of his schedule for me.

“Maybe I knew you’d sue me if I did,” I say.

“Maybe.” Chris chuckles. “Or maybe baby-Mia knew I cared about her and just wanted what was best.”

 I lean my head back against the wall, still furious, but knowing he’s right.

“Maybe,” I whisper.

“The car’s there. There’s ice cream waiting for you when you get home.”

“Okay.” I hang up, overwhelmed.

With effort, I stand and cross to the sink. I blot my face and repair my make-up then rinse out my mouth. The acidic taste is still there. Disgusted, I finish cleaning up and leave the bathroom, stopping in the first snack room I find. I grab a Sprite and stand there, drinking. My phone vibrates again. I assume it’s Chris again. After a minute, I look at it.

Hey. How’s life?

It’s Dom. My heart quickens. I’m suspicious, but I know I made myself clear. If he starts on anything about testifying, I’ll tell Chris this time. At least, this is what I tell myself. I’ve wanted Dom to text for days now, since I walked out on him. I want him to be different. Maybe he is. Or maybe, he’s playing me, the way my family does.

I won’t get pulled into that game again with him.

Meh.
I type back. I tap send, hesitate, then type another message.
At hospital. I want to see Number Eight.

I tuck the phone away. I’ve been ready to back out all day, but now that I told Dom what I’m doing, I can’t. I walk down the hallway, past the nursing station and to the double doors leading to the ICU. Heart pounding, I push one open and enter. The hallways here seem whiter, if that’s possible, and the air heavier.

Shoving my shaking hands into my pockets, I walk slowly past doorways and halls. I stop at the nursing station in the center of the ICU.

“I’m here to see … Tanya,” I say. “I don’t know where she is.”

“Relative?” the nurse asks, looking up.

“Um, we went to school together.”

The nurse looks me over. Apparently, I pass her inspection.

“Sign in.” She pushes a visitor log at me. “Go down the hall behind you, fourth door on the right. Only family is allowed in her room, but you can see her from the window and talk to her family.”

“Thanks.” I fill out the visitor’s log. My phone vibrates. I pull it out as I turn to start down the hallway.

I’m proud of you.
Dom’s words make my throat tighten. He didn’t take the bait, didn’t remind me about coming forward.

Okay, so maybe he’s capable of being a real human. I’m not sure I know how to take that, but I think I’m relieved. Everyone in the world can’t be as fucked up as my family.

I draw an unsteady breath, put the phone away, and stop in front of the fourth door on the right. It leads to a short hallway, with three closed doors and walls of windows on the left. On the right are benches and plush chairs along the wall.

Someone is sleeping on one couch. Uncomfortable, I cross to the first set of windows and look inside. There’s a small waiting area with chairs and a table close to the window and a room with three beds on the other side. An older woman is seated next to the nearest bed.

The girl in the bed, Tanya, has a bandaged head. She’s got tubes and IVs hooked up all over her body, and the skin on her face is bruised. She’s unconscious, with one leg in a sling and one arm in a cast. I can’t see the rest of her body beneath the sheets, but I read she was beaten all over by a crowbar or something metal. She’s been in a coma since that night. I can’t see a lot of the damage, but I can imagine it.

My own rape flashes in my mind. I recall the pain as they slammed something metal into my back, my thighs then my head. About to pass out, I very carefully cross the space between the window and the chairs along the wall and sit.

I whisper the chants Dr. Thompkins gave me and cradle my head in my hands, struggling to breathe deeply. I let Daddy dissuade me, and this happened. It’s not his fault, though, because I had the power. It was my choice not to talk to Dom. Gianna says it’s not my fault this happened. Sitting across from the latest victim, I know she’s wrong.

This is all my fault
. I text Dom.

Chris texts to say the car is waiting for me. I don’t know where I find the strength, but I manage to stand. I approach the glass again and raise my phone, snapping a picture, before I leave. By the time I reach the first floor, I’m running. I fling myself into the car and curl up in back, crippled by memories and what I just saw.

Number Eight has a name. Tanya. If she dies, I killed her.

No, Mia, it’s not your fault. No matter how angry you are at me, I hope you can believe me. I’m being straight with you.

Dom’s text comforts me. I don’t know why he doesn’t hate me. I don’t know why he’s kind to me. I’m a worse person than Robert Connor. If Robert Connor doesn’t rot in jail, I should.

I’ve never hated myself more than I do right now.

Chapter Six

I’m a zombie when I arrive to my first day of school Tuesday. It’s too early, and I slept like crap. The hallways are too crowded. After the morning assembly, I go to my locker and shove the stack of books into it.

“What the hell?” Ari demands, appearing at my side. “I tried to call you a million times last night!”

“I know,” I mumble.

“You look awful.”

“Yeah.” I grab the books I think I’ll need for the morning and close the locker. “Did you sign me up for cheer squad?”

“Duh. Right after school. You sure you’re up for it?”

“I need something to take my mind off things.”

Ari studies me. I’m jealous of her cheerful expression. Make-up doesn’t cover the circles under my eyes, and the dark school uniform makes me look washed out.

“Hi, Mia!”

I look up at the familiar voice. Benji Allen, the boy I’ve had a crush on for a couple of years, is standing behind Ari. He has perfect teeth, blond hair and green eyes. Usually, when he talks to me, I feel butterflies in my stomach. I don’t today. He looks at Ari, as if hinting for her to leave.

Ari doesn’t.

“I saw your pic in the paper from the ball the other night. You looked great!” he says. “Thought I’d see if you’re, you know, interested in hanging out this weekend.”

“I thought you and Jenna were still a thing?” Ari asks.

“Nah. That’s been over since June.”

Jenna and I are usually co-captains of the cheer squad. We’re frenemies. In the locker rooms, it’s war. In front of the school, we’re friends. I used to think the only reason she dated Benji was to piss me off, because everyone knows I’ve liked him forever.

“Maybe,” I say.

“Great. I’ll give you a call.” Benji flashes a smile and leaves.

I watch him go. He’s got a body girls drool over and a smile that’s friendly and confident.

“Maybe?” Ari whispers. “Maybe? The hottest guy in school asks you out, and you say
maybe
?”

I shrug. “I don’t feel like dating. I don’t think I ever will.”

“This could be good. You can hook me up with him.”

“Omigod, Ari! I just … I wonder how much everyone knows about my summer,” I say, grinding my teeth.

“Anyone who can read the news or saw it on TV. Or online. Or knows someone who--”

“I get the point, Ari!”

“Come on. Let’s go to our first class.” Ari sounds as eager as I feel. “Did I tell you I’m thinking about graduating early?”

“Can you do that?”

“I can. I get good grades. You…probably not.”

“If you do, I do, too,” I tell her, irritated. “You can’t leave me here alone.”

“True.” Ari stops outside a classroom. “Good luck. See you at lunch.”

I trudge into the classroom. Everyone except myself seems excited to be there and talk about their summers. I sit in back and pull out my phone to text Ari. A shadow crosses my desk, and I glance up.

“We’re in the same class. We got a lame first period,” Benji says, winking at me. He slides into the seat beside mine.

“Yep.” I return my attention to the phone.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. There was a time that I’d die if he sat beside me or talked to me. The most popular boy in school, Benji was also widely considered to be a nice guy. He should be everything I’m interested in: athletic, bright, from a wealthy family even Molly couldn’t object to, and nice.

Some part of me died this summer. I can’t get the image of Tanya out of my mind. I can’t really focus as the instructor stands up and gives us an overview of the class.

At least school helps me pull my head free from the summer. I’m surprised to find I look forward to things like homework and research. I read each syllabus and start the first assignments, ignoring the teachers and students.

By lunch time, I’m starting to feel less anxious. I even go so far as to talk to a couple other people. Neither teachers nor students seem to know about my summer, even though it was splashed all over the news. Happy not to have to deal with it, I’m almost smiling when I meet Ari for lunch.

“Benji talked to me like, three times today,” I say as I join Ari.

“I heard he dumped Jenna when they were on vacation together,” Ari replies. “He even flew home early.”

“Seriously? Good,” I grin. “I can’t stand her.”

“I still don’t know why.”

“Me neither.”

Ari laughs. “Okay then!”

“No, wait, I do remember,” I say, thinking fast. “You remember when we were freshmen, she used to say Molly was so beautiful and I’m so ugly, that I had to be adopted?”

“Ooohhh. Not adopted. She said you were like the illegitimate daughter of the maid or something.”

“Yes, that’s right! Then she beat me out for head of cheer squad.”

“Ah, I totally remember now. What a bitch.”

I giggle, silently agreeing. It feels good to laugh about something so silly. We catch up on gossip about the other girls on the cheer squad over lunch then part ways for the rest of our classes. I run into Benji one more time. This time, I smile at him. He walks me to my last class. I barely survive without falling asleep in the last class then grab my gym bag and go to the locker room to change.

The other girls are there and greet me as I enter. It’s loud and cheerful in the locker area, and I take the locker beside Ari. I change into leggings and a loose t-shirt then hesitate. I feel exposed in the tight pants. I still feel … weird about wearing clothes that aren’t two sizes too big. I can’t hide in my cheer practice outfit.

“Come on!” Ari says and grabs my arm.

I let her tug me out of the locker room and onto the field. The football team is already practicing. I feel queasy at the sight of them. Benji is a quarterback. Seeing him in his uniform dashes anything I could feel for him. Any reminder of Robert Connor …

No. I refuse to think about anything other than cheer squad. Beautiful, frowning Jenna is already on the field. She looks the same as she did last year. I smile at her and join her with the coordinator of the cheer squad.

“Mia, Jenna, good to see you both,” Deb, the coordinator, says. “Have I got the best routine ever for you guys! I went to …”

Deb goes on cheerfully. Jenna is glaring at me. I make a face back, not at all concerned about some petty girl after my summer. Deb finishes then hands us each a stapled print out of music and moves for practice. Deb steps away, and Jenna flips me off. Petty or not, I’m pissed.

“I hear you got dumped this summer,” I hiss.

“You heard wrong,” she snaps, face flushing. “I dumped that bastard.”

“Right,” I roll my eyes. “What matters is it looks like we’re going out this weekend.”

Her eyes narrow. I smile sweetly and turn away. My eyes find Benji, and I’m surprised to see he’s looking at us already. He doesn’t seem happy as he stares at Jenna. I wave anyway. He waves back. Satisfied to have the upper hand for once, I start away.

“You deserved to get raped, bitch!” Jenna’s voice makes me stop cold.

“Say it again, Jenna,” I challenge. Of all the things to say, I can’t believe she’d go there. I face her.