Bullied (22 page)

This year in high school went very well because I never had to fight, had my own car and a job that generated enough money. Life was good. However, even though I was actively dating girls, I had never met anyone with whom I could have sex. Because of my background, my idea of dating was to first, find someone I could be friends with before it went any further. I still had this idealized vision of the perfect girlfriend. Because of my Catholic school education for eleven years, as well as my upbringing, the image in my mind was of a clean, pretty, cute but not necessarily beautiful girl with a fun loving personality, smart mind with many things to talk about. In spite of this good Catholic School girl image I was looking for, my body was raging for the love and sex that I craved.

One day in July, the day before the Fourth, my friend Tom and I drive to see Tom's girlfriend, Donna, who lived in a small town a couple of miles away. Donna had her friend Annie visiting her. Tom started making out with Donna and told Annie and I that the four of us should have a kissing contest to see who could hold a kiss the longest. That definitely sounded like fun so Annie and I started to kiss. After holding that kiss for quite a while, I felt something happening to me that I had never felt before. Soon, I was caressing her breasts and all parts of her.

She said, “Let's go upstairs”. After running up the stairs together, the only unlocked bedroom we could find did not have a door on it so we had no other choice. With her help, I pulled her pants down, entered her and had sex with a woman for the first time. It was such a great experience and feeling that I knew I could never get enough of this as long as I lived. I wish someone had told me how great this was a long time ago. Just think, one year ago, I did not even know what “having sex” was. I never imagined how good it would feel to be inside a woman. I am glad my friend Fred was wrong three years ago, when he told me his theory that “having sex” had something to do with a woman's ears. The vagina was a much better place to be. Thank you, too, Dr. Kinsey!

Just about the time we finished, and while I was still laying on top of Annie, Donnas’ younger brother came home, came up the stairs walking past the bedroom, and saw Annie and I joined together with most of our clothes off. He raced back downstairs and then Tom came up and peeked over the second landing railing. I was too overwhelmed to get off Annie so we could get dressed so we just laid there for a while.

Yes, my life changed very quickly after leaving my hometown and the professional but brutal community where I lived for fifteen years. I am thankful that I did not do any of the desperate, violent acts that I considered during my last two years. Doing any of these could have easily ended my life or resulted in imprisonment. In desperation to escape the violence, confusion over sex, and overwhelming anger, I had been close to resorting to deadly actions many, many times. I was lucky to be alive, finally waking up without that pain and experiencing sex and a normal teenage life for the first time. This was the best.

Summer in Massachusetts was a great deal of fun, with lots of swimming in the local lakes and attending the local dances. In addition, there were the drive-in movies, which were great for entertainment and safe sex with a pretty farm girl at the same time. The biggest challenge I faced was balancing my longer summer workday with the events, entertainment and peaceful family gatherings with Mom, Dean and Lauren.

Starting school for my senior year, I made a few changes in my appearance and automobile. Our next-door neighbors Mother had a great, slick looking black Mercury that she wanted to sell so, on the first day of school, I drove my awesome black Merc to school. With my red hair swept back on both sides in the style of the day and my suede orange colored, comfortable, yet warm, jacket, I would leave my home, three blocks away, for school no more than ten minutes before the bell rang.

When arriving, since most of the kids were already inside, I simply parked my car in the parking lot on the left side of the school, jumped out and ran quickly into the building. I did not know that there was someone watching me every morning from one of classrooms. One day, when class was over, I walked outside toward the parking lot with my friend Bob. As we walked toward my car, we started to pass a nice looking blonde girl standing on the lawn. She smiled, and said, “hello, how are you?’ Her face and smile were so friendly, that I stopped.

“Hello, what is your name?” I said.

“My name is Barbara. I am new to this school. My parents, sister and I just moved here.”

Barbara was a nice looking girl with short blonde hair. She was dressed in a grey pleated skirt with a wide belt, white blouse and light yellow sweater. She was the perfect image of the good little Catholic girl.

"Where did you move from,” I said.

"We just moved here from the West Coast, California”

“How come”, I said. I liked her enthusiastic voice and wanted her to keep talking.

“My father is in the service and he was assigned to Westover Air Force Base.”

Surprised by the coincidence, I said, “My stepfather is with General Electric and he was also sent to Westover Air Force Base from New York State about a year ago”

I heard a voice behind me and it was Bobby. He said, “Come on Pat let's go.”

Barbara said, “Who is that?”

“Oh, that is my friend, Bobby, we are planning to go somewhere and he is waiting for me. That is my car, the black Mercury that he is getting into.”

“I know,” she said.

“How do you know that is my car,” I said.

“Because my classroom is on the floor over the doorway and I sit next to the window. I see you running into the school every morning.” She grinned.

Therefore, she knew who I was, before she said hello, I thought. “Can I have your telephone number?” I said.

“Sure”, Barbara nodded, tore off a piece of paper from one of her notebooks and scribbled her phone number on it. She handed it to me with a smile. I smiled and folded the piece of paper and put it carefully into my left rear pants pocket.

“I will give you a call tonight,” I said.”

“Ok,” she said.

As we drove away, Bobby said, “What did she want?”

“Just to say hello, but I got her phone number.”

Bobby looked back and said, “She’s got nice tits.” He smiled and raised his eyebrows several times. I knew what he was thinking.

“Yeah, but she is really fun to talk to”, I said.

Bobby looked at me, strangely, as if he thought this was a strange thing for me to say.

I changed the subject and we continued our journey. Even though pretending I was interested in other things as Bob and I talked, I could not get it out of my mind how easy it was to speak with Barbara. Wow, a cute girl I can actually talk with. I can hardly wait to call her, I thought.

That evening, I called Barbara and we talked for about an hour until her mother was calling her. “I’ve got to go,” she said.

Enjoying the conversation as I was, I said, “Why? Don’t go”

“I have work in the kitchen I have to finish,” she said.

“Can you go out Friday night?” I said.

“Yes,” she said. “Where to?”

“How about a drive in movie”? I said.

“Sounds great,” she said.

“See you at school tomorrow,” I said.

“Great, see you then, Bye,” said Barbara.

“Bye,” I said.

On Friday night, I went to Barbara’s house to pick her up a little early because Barbara told me that she wanted me to meet her Parents. She said they always wanted to meet anyone she dated. That night, I dressed carefully and knew that I would be spending a few minutes with them so they would like me and approve Barbara going out with me. Arriving at their home, I parked the car, knocked on the door and Barbara opened it.

“Hi,” she said, opening the door wide so I could enter.

“How are you today,” I asked. She was dressed in a short skirt, blouse and sweater and looked very nice, I thought.

“We are just fine, and my parents are looking forward to meeting you. Mom, Daddy, Pat is here,” she said loudly.

As I walked into the living room, her Mom came out from the kitchen and her Dad came down the hallway.

Meeting Mom and Dad was a nice experience for me. Her Mom appeared to be warm and friendly. Dad also seemed very curious about me but casual at the same time. He joked with me and we shared a few laughs. As we were finally leaving, Daddy took me aside and said, “Now, Patrick, Barbara has a curfew at 11 PM. Do not be late. Also, be sure you are a Gentleman in all respects or you will have to deal with me, OK?”

“OK,” I said. I really like her Dad, I thought. It was a good sign for Barbara’s character that her family was so protective of her. “She is probably a really good girl.”

We went to the car and I opened the door for her, let her in the passenger side and walked around to the drivers’ side. When I was putting the key in the ignition, she said, “I am always so glad to get out of there! She grinned widely and seemed very happy.

“Why are you so glad?” I said.

“I feel like the household maid. I always have so many chores to do like cooking, cleaning the kitchen, and so on. Getting out on a date or something is the only break I get.”

“Do Mom and Dad treat you OK?” I asked.

“Yes, and I do love Mom and Dad, but Mom always needs help and I am the oldest, so I have to do it. My Sister Dianna is still pretty young.”

“Do you like drive in movies?” I asked.

“I love going to the movies,” Barbara said.

We really had a good time that night and talked about many things. We kissed a few times during the movie but I was careful to be a gentleman. She was a great friend and I was grateful to have found her.

After I began to see Barbara regularly, I never wanted to be with anyone else, even if it meant sex. Barbara had something I had always been looking for; we could talk about anything and everything. That part of her personality, alone, was something I have been looking for my entire lonely life. We both shared some personality traits in that we was both loners, not people that wanted a large number of friends around and constantly fighting for position within that group. Barbara and I seemed to be two similar teenagers that were trying to find our way, alone, in the world.

As we continued to date, the passion grew between us. To me, though, Barbara was so pure, sweet, wise and good that I did not want to spoil that. The teachings of eleven years with the Sisters of Charity and my religion class told me that it would not be best for Barbara if I were to take her virginity, as much as I wanted to. I thought that the privilege of being inside her would be the first time I would be “making love” instead of just having sex.

She became my best friend and the most important person in my life. The way I felt about her was that the love in my body was deeper than the Grand Canyon or the Atlantic Ocean. These feelings overpowered every single part of my mind and body, and not just in those areas below the waist. There was no end to those feelings and I would do anything in my power to make her happy.

She was, and would remain forever, the love of my life. I was so lucky not to have ended my life by suicide, committing murder or life imprisonment. To me, the struggle of my entire life up to the age of sixteen was about building enough personal determination to get through that pure hell, no matter what. More than that, however, I was fortunate to have built some powerful rules into my mind to guide my behavior. These rules came from my Catholic teachings and especially the Ten Commandments. Without the knowledge of these standards for behavior, I am certain I would have already killed one or more of my antagonists. I had practiced skills in fighting and killing and I knew I could do it easily and probably without regret. Fortunately, I had also developed other moral disciplines in addition to the fighting techniques I learned in the basement of my New York home.

Without the understanding that I gained from certain Sisters of Charity that I did possess personal abilities that I could draw on later in life, I would not have seen there was any possibility that things could get better. The future would have looked as black and unpromising as the past. Especially at fourteen and fifteen, only months from my rescue to Massachusetts, I was beginning to open up to the possibility of extreme violence with knives and firearms.

Since I was three years old and found my Father dead of a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head, I have always felt alone, with no one on the planet that I could trust to confide in. I could never trust anyone in my family for that guidance because I knew, from the age of three, that they all lied to me about many things. I had to go through my entire life up until almost the end of my teenage years without meeting anyone I could really trust to be honest, and help me make sense of the many things in the world that I did not understand. I had always desperately wanted a friend like Barbara. She seemed so genuine and trustworthy even after our first meeting that I wanted nothing more than to be with her constantly. If there were any rewards for surviving what I had gone through since the age of three, the event of finding love was the best one I could imagine.

For the first time, the puzzle of life seemed to make sense, now that I finally was, free of the daily fear and anger from violence, had a more comfortable school environment, a sense of independence from my job and car, and of course, finding my best friend and the love of my life. Above all, that love I feel is the most powerful emotion that could ever exist within me and I finally know why I am alive.

What is it about our society that encourages bullying? We realize the laws of our society follow the concept that “all men are created equal”, but we also know that the United States culture is full of everyday prejudice, and not just racial. This prejudice includes personal image, height, age, weight, handsome or homely, economic class, skin color, complexion, language, and many other personal factors. How close the person measures up to the “ideal” image and appearance generally determines whether he or she is a “winner” or a “loser”. Very few authors and others seem to discuss this subject openly but we all know that a person’s “image” can determine their success or failure in our society. Society considers the right to discriminate as normal and encourages this activity to shape behavior and appearance to resemble the ideal “professional”.