Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict (22 page)

Mutant Spew Lord, The
See
Mutant Maggot Lord, The.

Mutant Spew Lord puddle
Remains of the
Mutant Spew Lord
after escaping from the
vacuum cleaner.

Nailgun Series 9000
A popular
bum-gun
that fires high-velocity nails at its target (usually a bum). The 9000 series was notable for the innovation of using rusty nails capable of delivering a shot of tetanus as well as intense pain.

Ned Smelly
Bum-fighter
who lives in the
Great Windy Desert.
Instrumental in helping to derail the
Great White Bum'
s plan to gas the world by means of a deadly
bumcano.
Brilliant inventor of
Robobum.

Needleweeds
Weeds that look and feel like a cluster of sewing needles. The only plant tough enough to grow in the
Great Windy Desert.
May be eaten, but can cause excessive body odour, amongst other side effects.

Nuclear wart-head
Rough lump with explosive power.

Origins of the Univarse, The
Controversial bestseller by
Sir Roger Francis Rectum
in which he sets forth his theory of
bumolution.

Party pooper
1) Somebody who spoils the fun. 2) Popular party game for bums.

Past future present
A present moment that you experienced in the future but which is now in your past. NB: This is an extremely complex concept to get your head around and to be honest, not really worth the trouble unless you're planning to do a lot of time travel in the near future. Or the near past. Or the distant future. Or the distant past, as the case may be. See
future present, past present, present, present present.

Past present
A present moment that you experienced in the past. See
future present, past future present, present, present present.

Perambulic merimbulator
The most important and complex component of a time machine, although they can be made from a Milo tin and an old mattress spring if you are a brilliant inventor like
Ned Smelly.

Percy Freeman
Zack Freeman'
s grandfather. Legendary
bum-fighter,
highly skilled in the art of toilet-paper-to-bum combat, AKA
the Wiper.
Co-founder, along with
Mabel Freeman,
of modern bum-fighting. Unfortunately wiped out by
Stenchgantor, the Great Unwiped Bum.

Pincher, The
Legendary
bum-fighter
highly skilled in the art of forefinger-and-thumb-to-bum combat. Founding member of the world's first bum-fighting team,
Mabel's Angels.

Pongflict
Any conflict involving bums. See
Final Pongflict, The.

Poopasaur
Big, lumbering and deadly. Lives in marsh and primeval
bumnut-tree
forests. Avoid.

Poopigator
Just like an alligator, except browner. And smellier. Avoid.

Prehistoric stinkant nest
Where
prehistoric stinkants
live. A typical colony can consist of up to 200,000 prehistoric stinkants and can have anywhere between 10,000 and 20,000 food and egg chambers. Avoid. See
stinkants.

Prehistoric stinkants
Just like regular stinkants except much, much bigger. A void. See
prehistoric stinkant nest.

Present
The present moment in which no past moments or future moments exist. See
future present, past future present, past present, present present.

Present present
The present moment you are presently experiencing in the present moment. See
future present, past future present, past present, present.

Prince, The
A bum with a very high opinion of itself. Toadying servant of the
Great White Bum.

Robobum
State-of-the-art robotic bum designed to look like a
Great White Bum.
Fully riveted reinforced steel cheeks. Turbo-assisted jet repulsion units.
Nuclear wart-head
equipped. Matter transport assisted entry and exit. Inside and outside voice options. Onboard tea- and coffee-making facilities. Also
self-wiping.
Invented by
Ned Smelly.

Robospeak
To speak in a robotic manner.

Sea of Bums, The
A large inland sea teeming with aquatic bum-life. Many scientists believe that life on Earth originated in the Sea of Bums with single-cheek bum life forms.

Self-wiping
A highly desirable feature of both natural and artificial bums. See
false bum.

Silas Sterne
Legendary
bum hunter
dedicated to hunting and killing the
Great White Bum.
Founder of
Silas Sterne's Bum-fighting Academy.

Silas Sterne's Bum-fighting Academy
Founded by
Silas Sterne
in order to give rookie
bum-fighters
a solid grounding in the theory and practice of professional bum-fighting. It offers an initial three-month training course for a basic
bum-fighter's certificate.
Recruits can then go on to receive more advanced training and specialise in one or more particular bum-fighting techniques such as kicking, punching and smacking.

Simulated bum-fighting
See
Bum-fighting simulator.

Sir Roger Francis Rectum
Author of
The Origins of the Univarse
—a controversial book in which Sir Roger set out his theory of
bumolution.
Also author of
What Bumosaur is That?

Smacker, The
Legendary
bum-fighter
highly skilled in the art of hand-to-bum combat. Member of the famous
B-team.

S. McKerr's Bakery
Marbleton
bakery run by S. McKerr. Famous for her ultra-big ultra-soft buns.

Soap
A
bum-fighter'
s best friend. (NB: The first rule of bum-fighting is to always wash your hands afterwards.)

Stenchgantor
Also known as the
Great Unwiped Bum,
it is the ugliest, dirtiest, wartiest, pimpliest, grossest, greasiest, hairiest, stinkiest bum in the entire world. Or, at least it was, until
Zack Freeman
outstenched it with a pair of very smelly socks. The only bum known to have a nostril rather than an eye. Avoid.

Stinkant juice
Thick greasy liquid obtained from
stinkants.
Used for a variety of purposes, most commonly as fuel for robotic bums and
bum-mobiles.
One of the most powerful fuel sources in the world. Highly sought-after.

Stinkant-napped
To be kidnapped by
prehistoric stinkants.

Stinkants
Small red ants with a great big stink. The only creature tough enough to survive—and thrive—in the
Great Windy Desert.
Some varieties bite. May be eaten but can cause flatulence and serious body odour. See
prehistoric stinkant nest, prehistoric stinkants.

Stinkbog
Area where a thick, sticky, stinky bog accumulates, trapping those animals, bums and
bum-fighters
unlucky enough to fall into it and become preserved for future generations to laugh at. Avoid.

Stink Kong
Very large, very clumsy, very smelly, very stupid, very ugly
bumosaur.
Mortal enemy of the
Great White Bum.
Avoid.

Temporal navigator
Device used for navigating
bum-mobiles
through time.

Tricerabutt
Extraordinarily bad-tempered three-cheeked
bumosaur
with bony armour plating and a tusk-like wart growing out of each cheek. Avoid.

Twin-tyrannosore-arse attack
Attack by two
tyrannosore-arses
working as a team. Avoid.

Tyrannosore-arse
Large fierce flesh-eating
bumosaur
notable for the extreme redness and soreness of its enormous cheeks. Avoid.

Univarse
Everything that you can possibly think of plus everything that you can't. There are many theories about how the univarse began, but the truth is that most of the theories are just that. Theories. All that can be said for certain is that in the beginning there was a bum.

Uranus
Planet 2.871 billion kilometres from the Sun. It has seventeen known moons and eleven rings. Uranus's surface is an ocean of liquid methane which gives the planet a beautiful blue colour. NB: Extreme caution must be taken with the pronunciation of this planet's name to avoid potential confusion and embarrassment.

Vacuum cleaner
Electrical appliance that cleans surfaces by sucking dirt into a bag or plastic container. Also good for sucking up mutant puddles.

Wart-horns
Warts that have grown so big and hard that they've turned into tusks. Avoid. See
Tricerabutt.

What Bumosaur is That?
Respected field guide to identifying and classifying all forms of
bumosaurs.
Written, illustrated and published by
Sir Roger Francis Rectum.

Wiper, The
See
Percy Freeman.

World bumination
Total domination of the world by bums.

Zack Freeman
A twelve-year-old boy who lived a perfectly ordinary life until two months after his twelfth birthday when
his bum ran away. To his utter surprise he discovered that he was an extraordinarily talented
bum-fighter.
He immediately put this talent to good use by saving the world from total
bumbliteration.
Twice. You can read all about his heroic deeds in ‘The Day My Bum Went Psycho' and ‘Zombie Bums from Uranus'. His grandmother,
Mabel Freeman,
was the inventor of modern bum-fighting. His parents,
James and Judi Freeman,
were secret bum-fighting agents. And
Zack Freeman's bum
was the next best thing to a lethal weapon. Together Zack and his bum formed a crack bum-fighting team and, with the help of
Eleanor Sterne,
a fierce bum-fighter in her own right, they were practically unbeatable.

Zack Freeman's bum
Bad, disobedient, argumentative, opinionated, cheeky, brave, resourceful, smart, cowardly, sensitive, kind, mean, romantic, stupid, and very very smelly.

Zack Freeman's parents
See
James and Judi Freeman.

Zombie bum
A bum that is neither dead nor fully alive. Zombie bums feel no pain, have no thoughts or feelings, and possess incredible powers of regeneration, which make them almost impossible to destroy. Driven to zombie-bummify potential victims, their only known weaknesses are extreme heat and a fondness for the
hokey pokey.
Avoid.

Zombie-bummification
Parasitic attachment of a
zombie bum
to a victim's real (or artificial) bum. Turns the victim into an eating machine that exists for the sole purpose of making the zombie bum bigger and fatter than it already is. When the host is exhausted the zombie bum will simply abandon him or her and move on in search of a new victim.

Zombie-bummified
See
zombie-bummification.

Zombie-bumvasion
Invasion of a place—or entire planet—by
zombie bums.