Burning (Brotherhood of the Blade Trilogy #1) (28 page)

“
You are free to be a hedonist. I don’t tend to label people. I think that we assign labels to ourselves, we limit ourselves.”

“
That’s very deep,” she said.

“
We are what we are, Jessie. I can only control my own actions. My own nature is to wonder what will happen if I do this or that. I often end up doing nothing because of my indecision and over analysis. I’m sorry, Jessie.”

“
Don’t apologize for being secure in who you are.”

“
I feel like I have to be true to myself, if we are to get to know each other in some traditional way. It’s hard being me, believe me. I wish I could be like you and just kiss someone after you’ve known him for less than a day. I don’t say that with any disrespect for your morals because I consider it confident of you to ask a man for a kiss. And terribly sweet.”

She beamed and it seemed genuine. “Thank you, Sam.”

“I don’t say no to you lightly. You’re incredibly beautiful, smart, and engaging. And oh so much younger than me. But seriously, Jessie, you are out of my league. I can’t kiss you. Not tonight. I have to think about…all this.”

Oh, Sam. You could have had a kiss
, said the angel in his ear.

“
I should go.” She stood to get her coat, her eyes downcast. Her feelings were obviously hurt.

“
I didn’t mean it to come out like that. I have the highest respect for you, Jessie. It’s not a rejection. It’s upholding my respect for you, above my physical desires. I can’t give you what you ask. Not yet.”

“
I’m only asking for one little kiss.”

“
A kiss is just the entrée. Don’t you want more from me than that?”

She said nothing but moved away a bit; he saw a sparkle of a tear in one eye.

He immediately began to regret the slight sharpness of his words. “Don’t go yet. Please.”

He stood up, too, and saw her shoulders tremble. Oh, drat! He had gone and brought her to tears.
Again.
He suddenly felt sick.

He gently tilted her chin up and sure enough, tears threatened to spill over the spiked, wetted lashes.

“I’m such a jerk sometimes. We were having such a good time and in a few words I just blew it, didn’t I?”

“
You didn’t. Well, maybe for tonight but not forever. You’re just overly concerned with consequences of something as beautiful and innocent as a kiss.”

“
Innocent? Oh, the places a kiss will take two adults are usually not innocent. I have to think about all we have said before I ever touch your lips with mine.”

She put her arms around him and he put his arms around her and she put her head down again, this time against his chest, with her ear against his heart—it was a sweet weight that she swayed against him. Feather-light, but she did have mass after all. He heard a sharp intake of her breath. She was crying!

A little meow came from under the blue sofa, as one of the cats finally came to investigate Jessie. Another cat followed shyly.

“
Anyway, you have your cats.”

“
It’s more like they have me.”

“
I like cats,” she said.

“
It’s a love-hate relationship with the Twins and I. That’s what I call them. I had mice about two years ago, so I just went to the pound and got these two. They do their job on the mice, so they can stay.”

“
They don’t have individual names?” She sniffled.

“
They’re cats. Cats don’t know what their names are. Human words might as well be piano notes to a cat.”

“
Well, I think they could understand if you taught them things and spoke to them as individuals; they would at least learn their names.”

“
This eccentric cat lady fixation becomes you. My cats approve.”

“
Thank you, Sam,” she said as they wound around her ankles and purred.

He pulled two tissues from the box on the end table and handed them to her. Jessie blew her nose softly and tossed the tissues in the wastebasket next to his roll-top desk.

“I’m sorry for crying.”

“
It’s okay. You must have needed a cry for a while. Well, since this afternoon.”

“
Oh, you have no idea.” She wiped her eyes with another tissue and crumpled it in her hand.

“
I bet you’re lying that you only
like
them. I think you
love
them. You probably take them in your bed and they crawl up on your chest and purr at night as you pet them.”

He chuckled. “I’ll take the Fifth Amendment.”

Her eyes were downcast.

He put a hand on her shoulder. “You look so sad. I should have just kissed you, but now that moment is gone. If I did it now, it will feel like pity to you.”

She smiled through her reddened eyes. “Yes, you should have kissed me. I’m sorry I pressed you about it. I won’t do it again. Obviously, you like to make the first move and the second move and the third move.”

“
That’s very accurate. I’m a chauvinist like that.” He paused. “Can I be honest with you, Jessie?”

“
Of course.”

He sighed. “You seem so vulnerable, like deep down you have a lot of emotional upheaval and you’re putting on a brave front.”

She gasped. “Let’s just say, my life has been pretty upsetting.”

“
I thought so. I don’t want to take advantage of you when you are this vulnerable by kissing you and whatever comes after that until we know each other a lot better.”

“
But you do want to kiss me?”

“
Please.
Of course.
I just don’t want to skip all of the best things about getting to know you and zoom right to the kissing part.”

She snorted. “You’re old-fashioned.”

“You’re half right. About the old part.”

“
Sheesh. You’re not. You have beautiful salt-and-pepper hair.”

“
Thanks. I’ll see you again soon, right?” he asked hopefully.

“
Yes. I’ll have to come back for
The Princess and the Goblin
. We wrestled for it and I won!”

He chuckled. “This is my contact info, Jessie. Don’t lose it.” He handed her a business card from his wallet. She stuck it in the tiniest pocket of her five-pocket copper-riveted bell-bottom Levi’s. Her hair smelled like strawberry shampoo. Her skin smelled delicious. There was chemistry and he knew it. But tonight, he would do nothing about it. Not physically.

“Thanks, Sam. For everything.”

“
Do you have a cell phone?”

“
No. Next week, I’ll find a phone and call you from the road when I’m starting back to Port Sapphire. I can cook for you or something.” She lifted hopeful eyes to him.

“
I’d like that very much. I’ll kiss you. I promise.”

“
You will?”

“
Yes. I have been known to kiss on the second date. Or the third.”

“
Okay. Will next time be counted as the second date?”

“
Absolutely.” He stroked her hair. “Do you need gas money to get to Albany and back?”

“
Oh my goodness, no. I’m fine. But thank you.”

“
Good. I’m worried about you, all by yourself on the road.”

“
I’ll be fine. I’m used to it. I’ll read the Kerouac to keep me company until I see you again.”

The way she touched his books and looked like she belonged in the book-filled living room made him want her to stay. But how could he ask her to stay if he wouldn’t kiss her? Oh, he had bungled things so badly. He didn’t know how to back up and start again. At least, not tonight he didn’t.

So, she was getting ready to leave. His heart gave a little twist as she handed back the couch blanket and slid on her big coat sweater.

“
Hugs are free to my friends, Jessie. I have no qualms about hugging my friends at all.”

“
Yes, you do,” she said. “You don’t like touching people. I can tell.”

“
Okay, so I do have issues with touching people, but
you
don’t skeeve me out. Truly. I want to hug you now.”

“
Because you feel sorry for me?”

“
No. Because I’m attracted to you. You’re pretty, of course, but your mind is so intriguing. And you’re so incredibly sweet. I’m very moved by who you are.”

She sighed like the sea.

She trusts you
, said the angel on his shoulder.

“
I feel like I’m never going to see you again, Sam.”

“
Come here.” He opened his arms. “I’ll be right here, waiting for you to come back to Port Sapphire.”

“
I’m glad.” She hesitated.

“
Jessie...it’s all right. My hugs are safe.”

She went into his arms and they hugged tightly without speaking—not for just a second, but for a full minute. He could feel the beat of her heart against his chest through her clothes and his. She smelled good and her hair was like slippery silk against his cheek, the softest hair he had ever felt. He closed his eyes and impulsively dropped a kiss on the top of her red hair.

“Even though it started out badly, I had a wonderful day,” she said, nestling her cheek against his chest.

“
So did I, Jessie. So did I.” He let her go.

She took the mended book out of her bag. “I’m decided that I’m going to leave my Jessie Willcox Smith book here on your own to-be-read pile, so you will know that when I say I will be back, I really and truly mean it. I’ll be back and bring back your Kerouac and exchange it for
The Princess and the Goblin
.”

“
It’s a deal.”

She raised a slender hand and touched his face in a tender way, as if they had already been lovers. “Wait a minute. Now I know what’s different. Did you shave since we came back after lunch?”

He nodded. “I confess. I shaved.”

“
When did you do that? I know you had a two-day beard shadow when we met at the estate sale.”

“
I did it while you were parking your motorhome at the train station and jogging here.”

“
So, you shaved because you
were
thinking about kissing me,” she accused.

“
It crossed my mind at least once,” he admitted. “Okay, maybe ten times. But I don’t do something until I have thought about it hundreds of times. I’m a plodder at romance. I’m about as slow to act as a man can get and still be genuinely interested in the opposite sex.”

“
Maybe that’s called wisdom.”

He laughed. “More like covering my butt to see where this goes. But you’re nice to cover up my insecurities with a compliment.”

“I noticed that you do it for me.” She laughed, too, and kissed him on the cheek before he could stop her. She moved toward the door with her book and handbag.

“
So long, Sam. I hope to see you soon.”

“
I’ll drive you to the parking lot in the train station,” he called after her.

“
You don’t need to.” She opened the door and went out.

She walked backward down the street and he followed her, still talking. Something was stretching between them, like an invisible golden thread that got thinner with every step she walked further from him.

“Really. I’ll drive you.”

“
I don’t want a ride. I just ate six thousand calories at the coffee shop! I want to walk it off.”

“
I’ll walk you to the station. It’ll be dark soon. Let me escort you.”

“
No. I want to think about your kiss on the top of my head while I walk there and grin like an idiot.”

He laughed again. “Okay, Jessie,” he called.

“I want to think about how the reading lamp light in your living room lit your face from below. Like a Rembrandt painting. I love the shape of your face and your silver and black hair and your soft brown eyes. I love your jawline.”

“
Wow,” he said, startled. “Thank you. See you soon.” Hurriedly, he added, “You’re incredibly pretty, Jessie.”

“
I know I am,” she said and grinned. “I try not to use my powers for evil. You have a lot of self-control, Sam.”

He got a kick out of that. “The reason is simple: I’m kind of old for you. That’s mostly what I am thinking about before I kiss you. I have to extrapolate it all in my mind, what happens after the kiss. And by extrapolate, I mean, for years. Someday, I’ll be seventy-five and you’ll only be around fifty.”