Burning Ember (40 page)

“We don’t have anything. Yeah, she was my world once and wanted her to be again, but she doesn’t give a shit about me anymore.”

“That’s not true. For three days, I’ve watched her fight like hell not to think about you, not talk about you. She can’t do it. Even her knowing what little she knows about us makes her jealous.”

He huffs. “That doesn’t mean shit.”

“To a woman it means a lot.”

“Well it doesn’t mean enough.” He exhales and goes to the bed. After sitting on the edge of the mattress, he runs his hands over his face in frustration. “What did she tell you about us?”

I shrug. “Not much. Only a little and that was only because she was drunk.”

He blows out a breath, and mutters, “She’s never been able to handle her liquor. Which is fuckin’ crazy since she owns a bar and drinks like a lush.” He rubs his hands and studies them, but it takes him a while to speak again. “Did she tell you that we were together a few weeks ago?”

My eyes widen in surprise.

His eyes dart to my face and he laughs harshly. “I’m guessing that’s a no. Of course, she didn’t. Why would she if it didn’t mean shit to her?” He leans forward and rests his head in his hands.

I sit by him on the bed and rest a comforting hand on his back. The silence becomes another person in the room. Almost like Bethany’s here somehow. A ghost listening in.

He pushes out a deep breath. “She was finally lettin’ me back in to her life. We were startin’ fresh, lettin’ go of the shit from ages ago.”

“What happened?”

When he speaks, his voice is more hoarse than normal. “Cap . . . my dad . . . got shot.” He lets out an exhaustive sigh. “She got scared. Not only because someone was gunnin’ for Cap, but because I was supposed to take up the gavel. And she didn’t want her kids affected by blowback the club stirred up.”

“Take up the gavel?”

“Take up the president’s patch and all the responsibilities and shit that goes with it. It’d put a target on my back and anyone close to me.”

He’s quiet for a moment, and then continues. “I don’t blame her for lookin’ out for herself and the kids. She’s a good mom, always has been. And at first I got it, you know? But then I thought about how she was with Hodge for thirteen years. The only difference is he wasn’t as invested in the club as I am, or as I’d need to be if I decided to lead the club.”

He pulls on his hair again, his frustration brimming over. “So I stepped down. I thought it’d be enough to keep her and the kids out of harm’s way, and we could give this thing between us a real shot.”

He blows out a dark laugh under his breath. Letting go of his hair he turns his head to look at me, his blue-gray eyes as troubled as storm clouds. “It wasn’t enough. By then, she’d already put back up her wall, wouldn’t listen to a fuckin’ word I had to say.”

“It sounds like she’s just scared.”

Rising to his feet, he growls, “Yeah, she is . . . but I can protect her. Fuck. I’m not some fuck up. I’d never let anyone take what’s mine from me. Not if I’m still breathin’.”

His fists curl and uncurl. After about a minute of pacing the room, he grates out, “I walked away from my legacy for her. I let every one of my brothers look at me as if I’m a piece of shit. My father is dying and the thing he wanted more than anything was to see me follow in his footsteps and carry on his club. I stepped down for her and she tells me it’s not worth it. I’m not worth the risk.”

He slams his fist into the wall and the paint and plaster give way. “Well, fuck her. I put everything on the line. Why the fuck can’t she do the same?”

He searches my face as if I’ll have an answer. “I don’t know.”

His eyes blaze with emotion. “I’m done. I’m done waitin’ and holdin’ out. I’m movin’ the fuck on. The only way she’ll ever have me is if I turn in my patch and walk away. Leave the club, my family, this town, and this goddamn state.” He shakes his head. “I can’t do that. I’m not a deserter. I won’t walk away from everything that makes me who I am.”

He blows out a breath and some of the tension leaves his shoulders. “I’ve waited fourteen years for her to come back to me. Don’t you think that’s long enough? You think I need to keep waitin’? Or finally find someone that can love me back?”

I understand both sides. At the same time, I feel like if Bethany won’t let Dozer into her life then yes, he needs to find someone that can.

“You deserve to be happy. Honestly, I don’t know where I’d be right now if you hadn’t stuck up for me that first day.” Mustering up my courage, I say, “But that connection you have with Bethany. We don’t have that. There’s friendship and I think we’re both lonely, but that doesn’t mean we fit together.”

He chuckles low. “I’m not proposin’, babe. I just want to take you out and see if we can be good together. Where it goes from there is anyone’s guess.”

When I don’t respond, he says, “You don’t think what we have can grow into somethin’ else?” He studies me for a second.

I have questioned if what we have can grow into something more. He’s everything I used to want in a man, handsome, supportive, a hard worker, smart, and he has a great sense of humor. The list goes on and on. If there was chemistry between us, it wouldn’t even be a question. But it’s simply not there.

Where with Mav, it’s there in spades.

Why the hell does life have to be so complicated?

After what Dozer just told me, I don’t want to reject him again. He’s faced enough rejection over the last month. From Bethany. From his brothers. But I can’t keep leading him on.

I shift on the bed as my heart begins to race.

Come on, Em. Out with it.

“I kissed Mav.”

Actually, I made out with Mav and nearly lost my mind when he forced me up against the wall and kissed me, but I keep that part to myself.

Dozer’s as still as a statue for about half a minute. Then his chest puffs up, his hands thread into his hair. He hisses, “That self-righteous motherfucker. I knew it. That’s why he did it, sent you to Bethany’s, not because of some bullshit deal he was makin’ me keep?”

“I think so. He also knew after what he did, I was planning to leave. Either way, I was going to find somewhere else to go.”

“Why the fuck would you let him kiss you after what he did to you?”

I stare at my hands. “He didn’t ask permission. I tried to stop him at first, but then—”

“But then?” Dozer looks at me with a wounded expression.

“Then I didn’t want him to stop, and I kissed him back.”

He stares down at me with probably the harshest stare he’s ever had before. “You kissed him back. Like you kiss me back, or you
kissed
him back?”

Meeting his gaze, I say, “I-I kissed him back.”

The muscles in his jaw pulse.

“That spark I told you we don’t have”—I gesture from him to me—“it’s there with him. I can’t explain it and I never wanted it. Actually, I’ve tried like hell to fight it every day I’ve been here. But I can’t shut it off.”

“Fuck,” he grates out.

I tangle my fingers together, anything to avoid his probing glare. “I’m sorry. I—”

“What about all the shit he’s done?”

It’s hard enough rationalizing my choice to myself. The last thing I want is to tell Dozer my reasons, but I have to give him something. “I believe in giving people second chances. He changed after that night and he’s been trying to make up for some of the things he’s done. But I guess I’ll find out one way or the other tonight.”

“So you’re not here to be with Edge. You’re here to see if you guys can work shit out, you and Mav?”

I raise my shoulders in a tense shrug. “I would’ve been able to go through with it.”

He blows out a breath. “I wouldn’t have let you.”

Lifting my face, I take in his earnest eyes and give him a small smile. “I believe you. You know, you’ve been nothing but good to me since I got here. I owe you a lot.”

He smiles mischievously. “Go out with me.”

“Dozer.”

He shakes his head and comes closer. “If shit between you and Mav doesn’t work out, then give me one day. We can go for a ride or dinner, whatever. But we can see where it goes from there. No promises. No commitment beyond the one day. I just want a couple hours of your time away from here.”

“And if Mav and I work it out?”

His grin falters but he covers it up by shrugging it off. “Then we’ll be friends until he fucks it up.” He winks at me and pulls me to my feet.

I stare up at him. I can see that he’s not going to give up.

He chucks my chin. “I’m here if you need me or if you change your mind.”

“Thank you.” He pulls me into him and wraps his massive arms around me. For the first time, I really hug him back. Maybe because he finally knows how I feel and my actions won’t be misconstrued to be more than a friendly gesture.

“Come on. We better get back or there’s not gonna be any food left.”

After leaving Dozer’s room, I wait in the hallway as he stops to close and lock his door.

We hear a heavy thump and then another and both turn our heads looking down the hallway for the source of the sound. It continues. Again and again and it gets louder, comes faster. After the seventh or eighth bang against the wall, a manly groan follows.

Something about it has a tremor raking down my body.

Scanning down the hallway, I mentally scold myself saying, “
it’s not him. It’s not coming from Mav’s room.”
There are seven other rooms it could be coming from.

A shrill female voice cries, “Yes, right there! Oh, God, yes! Right. Ugh. There. Fuck . . . I’ve missed this!”

The manly grunt that trails after her words send shockwaves through me. I curl my arm around my stomach, as my feet carry me forward. The closer I get to his room the more obvious it becomes that I’m a fool and he’s a bastard. I should never have believed one goddamn word out of his mouth. Not. One. Goddamn. Word.

I place my hand on his door. Each moan, each cry, each grunt feels like a brick slamming into me. Until I feel a presence at my back. Dozer. Turning, I look at him.

“Maybe it’s not him.”

“Sure as fuck sounds like him,” he responds. But then he places on comforting hand on my shoulder. “Not the way I wanted it to happen, but I guess you have your answer, babe. I’m sorry.”

My breathing accelerates and I hadn’t realized until this moment that I was pining for Mav. Praying that he’d prove himself worthy of a second chance. That he’d live up to everything he spewed in my ear the day he left.

But God, I couldn’t have been more wrong about him.

The woman’s voice grows louder. The sex on the other side of Mav’s door reaches its arc. Mav’s growling now and against my will an image of him thrusting into whatever clubpiece he’s pulled into his room swirls into my mind. It’s probably Jade.

He yells out his release, and I see it. His head kicked back. Sweat coating his glorious body, and him emptying himself into a woman that’s not me.

God Damn him.

I try not to let it, but that knowledge crushes me. It feels as if my heart is made of thin glass and Mav just took a hammer to it, cracked it into a fragile shell that’s going to splinter and fall apart at any moment.

Thoughts of staying here, starting a life with him, and being a part of this crazy world of his, die.

It’s time to go. Like Dozer said. I have my answer.

“Pumpkin—” Dozer starts.

“Ember,” I correct him.

“What?”

“I hate that name,” I say louder this time. “My name is Ember.” Reaching forward for the doorknob, I add, “I can’t believe he’d do this after everything he said to me.”

Dozer grabs my hand. “You don’t want to see it. Trust me.”

“No. I need to see it.”

But the door opens before I can open it myself, revealing someone I didn’t expect to see.

Star. The clubpiece. The one Mav supposedly kicked out a week ago. The one I saw him fucking in his office. No wonder their cries of pleasure sounded so familiar.

She doesn’t see me standing in front of her. She’s too busy pulling her red panties up her legs and then shoving her black mini skirt down. The moment she realizes someone’s standing in front of her though, she pauses and her eyes instantly flick up to my face.

It only takes a few seconds for a taunting smirk to appear, and for her nasty attitude to show itself. She leans against the doorframe. “Ahh . . . Pumpkin, right? You’re a little too late, sweetheart.” She peaks behind her and then looks back to me. “Maybe come back later.” Her smile turns into a spiteful laugh. “He was pretty hungry for it after being gone, but he’s had his fill. I don’t think he’s gonna be wanting dessert any time soon.”

Fury coils up my body. The temptation to slap her or claw my nails down the side of her face overcomes me but I clench my fists tightly and force my hands to stay where they are.

Walk away, Em. He’s not worth it. Neither is she.

I hear him call out behind her, “Who is it?”

She straightens looks over her shoulder again. “By the shocked look on her face I’d say somebody that was hopin’ to make your night. But since I’ve already done that, I’ll send her away.”

“What the fuck are you even doin’ here?” Dozer growls and comes to stand at my side. His arm touches mine. Some of his strength flows into me.