Bursting With Love (14 page)

“Wow, that’s a lot of hurt, and if he really did become as reclusive as Blake said, then he’s probably buried it all beneath some other emotion.”

“Anger,” Savannah admitted. “He is pretty gruff when you first meet him, and he’s riddled with guilt, but not always, and when it falls away, he’s tender and loving, and passionate, and…”

“Does he have angry outbursts? Is he aggressive?” Danica asked.

“No.” Savannah shook her head. “When I first met him, he was just walled off. And he spent a lot of time trying not to look at me. Or talk to me. You know the type. He spoke forcefully no matter what the topic was, one firm tone. No smiles, except when he spoke to the little boy who was there. He actually smiled when he spoke to him.”

“He does sound a little boxed off. How’d you two come together? What changed?”

Savannah leaned back and put her weight on her palms. She crossed her legs at the ankles as she remembered the night she’d seen the bobcat and how scared she’d been. “I went into the woods at night to go to the bathroom, and there was a bobcat that I hadn’t seen. And suddenly Jack was there, rescuing me. Before that there was all this attraction between us, a buildup of sexual energy that was red-hot, but we both had these brick walls up—me because of Connor and him…well, you already know why. And when he saved me from the bobcat, it was like all those walls came tumbling down, whether we wanted them to or not.”

Danica leaned back beside Savannah. “Well, that all sounds very normal to me, not at all worrisome. Now, if you were really the one who pulled him out of his celibacy, then that could go one of two ways. Either there’s some meaningful connection that can’t help but continue to grow, or he’ll deal with his shit and move on. Like you broke the dam, and it was wonderful, but he might want to explore what else washes in.”

“You don’t sugarcoat things, do you?” Savannah looked at Danica, and she still had a serious look in her eyes. “What?”

“Nothing. It’s funny, you know? I’m with Blake, who had too many women for any one man, and here you are with the opposite problem, but the worry is the same. Savannah, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say this even though I don’t really know your full history or what you’ve gone through in relationships. And I’m going to say this as the woman who married into your family. Not as a therapist but as a friend. I would imagine that the only thing you’re up against as far as picking the wrong guys goes is that you are very successful and beautiful, and that’s a threatening combination for many men. But beyond that, you’re just looking for your forever love, so follow your heart. If Jack turns out not to be ready—and there’s a hell of a chance that he’s not—then what have you lost?”

My heart
. “A little self-respect.” Her cheeks grew warm again thinking about the things she and Jack had done in the woods. “I’ve already done more—and different—intimate things with him than I have with any other guy, and I
wanted
to.”

A smile stretched across Danica’s lips. She leaned in close and whispered, “That doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. That means you’re wildly attracted to him.”

Danica watched Blake crossing the grass, and in her eyes Savannah saw love, want, and a hint of the intimacy between them. She wondered if the look that Treat had seen in her eyes earlier that afternoon, and Josh and Riley had seen when she’d listened to Jack’s message, was similar to what she saw in Danica’s. She felt her cell phone in her pocket, and she knew the answer was only a phone call away.

THE KNOCK WAS so faint that Jack almost didn’t hear it. He lifted his head from his arms and pushed himself from the spot on the floor where he’d been sitting since he hung up the phone with Elise. The second he opened the door, there would be no turning back. Jack tried to picture Linda’s sister. The last time he’d seen her was shortly after Linda’s accident. She’d been as torn up as Jack was. He took a deep breath and pulled the door open.

“Jack.” Elise walked in without giving Jack time to react, and she wrapped her arms around him and pressed her face to his chest.

Jack’s breath caught in his throat. She was more than a foot shorter than Jack, and she’d always worn her hair in a short pixie cut, but now her blond hair fell past her shoulders, so similar to Linda’s that when his hand brushed against it, he had to swallow the sadness that rose. She drew away from him and shook her head. Her warm blue eyes held no anger or blame, and the smile on her lips offered Jack even more relief. He felt the tension in his shoulders ease.

“Hi, Elise,” he managed, closing the door behind her. “Come in. Let’s sit down.” Elise and Linda had been as close as sisters could get. She was twenty-eight when Linda died, and Jack remembered the devastation that had lingered in her eyes afterward—and how that devastation drove his guilt deeper and deeper into his psyche. Now that despair was evident only in the shadow that flickered in her eyes and left as quickly as it had appeared. Jack thought he might be the only person who would recognize it for what it was.

They sat on the sofa, facing each other, Elise with one leg tucked under the other and her arm across the back of the couch and Jack with his elbows leaning on his thighs. His heart felt heavier than it had a few moments before, and although he didn’t see blame in Elise’s gaze, his internal guilt tethered his eyes to the fireplace.

“Jack, I’m so glad to see you.” Elise touched his arm.

He turned his head and looked at her, praying he’d have the strength to say and do the things he needed to. He wanted to move forward, but suddenly the road between wanting and doing seemed paved with glass.

He forced a smile. “I never thought I’d see any of the Grays again, and here you are, sitting on my couch.”

Elise’s smile wasn’t forced, and when it lit up her eyes, Jack sat up, taking note of the similarities between her and Linda. The high cheekbones, the way a dimple formed beside her cheek when the smile reached a certain point, and a simple cock of her head, which brought Linda’s voice back to him,
Oh, Jackie, don’t be silly
. How many times had she said that with the same look in her eyes?

Elise dropped her gaze. “I know, Jack. I look just like her. I always have, but now that my hair is longer…”

“It’s remarkable. Your voice, too.” He turned his body toward her so he could study her more closely. A memory snaked its way into his mind, and he had to share it. “She sat right there once with that same look on her face. We’d just decided to try to have a baby.” His throat swelled, and he paused as a chill ran through him. “She said…” He narrowed his eyes to keep the tears that burned from falling. “She said,
Let’s do it, Jackie
. That was all.
Let’s do it, Jackie
.”

“She loved you, Jack, and she would have loved your children.” Elise touched his arm. “Do you remember when you guys first got married? Remember how she made me promise to never let her turn into one of those sisters who forgets she has a life outside of her marriage?”

Jack nodded.

“She never did, Jack. She always made time for me
and
you.”

A tear tumbled down his cheek. He tried to blink it away, but more tears spilled, and he dropped his eyes to the couch.

“I miss her, too, Jack.” Elise wiped her own eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Elise. Not just for letting her go out that night, but for being such a jerk afterward. I loved her so much, and I missed her—miss her—so much.”

“I know you do, Jack. We all do.” Elise’s voice was just above a whisper. When she spoke again, strength had returned to her voice. “But, Jack, everyone misses you. Your family, my family. You have a lot of life to live ahead of you, and we worry about you.”

“I know.” His voice cracked. “I thought I could escape the pain. I thought if I didn’t see anyone, I could forget the blame and the accusations in everyone’s eyes.”

“Jack, no one blamed you but yourself.”

Jack shook his head. “Your father blamed me, and I’m sure everyone did.”

“No, Jack. What Dad said, he said out of anger and grief. Don’t you remember? The last time you saw him, you two argued. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was on Linda’s birthday after she’d died, and he told you to stop blaming yourself and to pull yourself together.”

Jack remembered it well. The shock of rage that tore through him. The gall of anyone telling him to forget his pain—to forget Linda—and move on with his life. They didn’t understand that he was unable to do that. He could not physically muster the energy to even think about forgetting or letting go of the guilt.

“Jack, look at me.”

He met her empathetic gaze.

“It was you who blamed yourself, Jack. You argued until my father was red faced. Remember? Think about it, please. It’s important that you see how things really happened. You got right in his face and said that you would never speak to him again if he continued to tell you to let her go, and the whole time, he wasn’t telling you to. He was giving you permission to move on with your life.”

Jack grabbed the sides of his head and leaned his elbows on his knees again. “No. I saw it in his eyes, Elise. I saw it. His hatred was so blatant.”

“No, Jack.”

The strength of her statement drew his eyes back to her. He felt his chest rise and fall as his breathing became fast and loud.

“That was you, Jack. You hated yourself. You blamed yourself. You scared us, Jack. Dad was afraid you’d do something horrible, think about suicide or something, and the more he tried to release you from your own self-imposed guilt, the angrier you became. He finally gave up and said,
Fine, Jack. Go wallow in your guilt. While away your life in some self-imposed prison. Is that what you want to hear?
” Elise stood and paced. “Damn it, Jack. You’ve always been so damn stubborn. You looked him in the eye and said,
Yes, goddamn it. It’s the truth.”
She crouched before him and held his knees in her small hands, waiting until Jack was looking at her before continuing. “Jack, that’s when he said it. That’s when he told you that you were the reason she died. He said it to appease you, Jack, because every attempt to dissuade seemed to make you angrier and more belligerent. And do you remember what you did?”

Jack’s chest hurt so badly that he couldn’t tell if his tears were from the pain or the grief that constricted it.

“You thanked him, Jack, and then you walked out the door. And that was almost two years ago. My father has lived with the guilt of that conversation every second of his life. And you?” She leaned forward and ran her hand up his arm and found the scar behind his left biceps. “You have lived with it, too.”

Elise moved to the stone hearth and sat down across from Jack. She folded her hands in her lap and waited, respectfully shifting her eyes away from him as he wiped the tears from his cheek and weighing her words, allowing the truth of them to sink past the dam he’d built within him. The one that kept him upright during the day and anxious at night. They sat in silence for ten or fifteen minutes. It seemed like forever, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. Jack didn’t think of what to say next or how to act. He simply allowed himself to be present, to accept and feel the hurt of the reality she’d brought him—and that alone was a huge step forward.

“I got married, Jack, and I have a daughter.”

Jack lifted his head again. This time a smile rose on his lips. “A daughter?” Linda had wanted a family so badly, and so had he. Seeing Aiden had reminded him just how much he wanted a family and how far away he’d pushed that desire.

Elise nodded. “Linda Marlene Rollins. She turned one last month.”

“Linda.” A small laugh escaped his lips. “Linda Rollins.”

She nodded again. “I married Harry Rollins. I’m not sure if you remember him.”

“I do. You had just started dating him a few months before…”

“Yes, that’s him. He’s a great father and a wonderful husband. You’d like him, Jack. At some point, if you’d like, I’d love for you to meet him.” Elise came back to the couch and sat beside him again. “Do you mind that I named her Linda? I tried to contact you before she was born, but no one could reach you.”

“I love that you named her Linda. Does she look like you? Like Linda?”
Elise has a child
.
Her father’s dying
. Life was moving on for everyone, ending for others, and Jack remained in the same ugly, angry state that he’d been in two years before. His mind drifted back to Savannah, and he realized that over the last few days, he’d begun to see light at the end of the angry tunnel he’d been stuck in.

“No. She looks like Harry, but she has our eyes. Brown hair and blue eyes and louder than any child I’ve ever met. Totally not me or Linda.” The pride in Elise’s eyes was unmistakable.

Jack nodded. “I’m so happy for you. I’m sure you’re a great mother.”

“And someday, Jack, I hope you’ll allow yourself to be the wonderful father Linda always knew you would be.”

AN HOUR LATER, Jack loaded the bags of Linda’s clothes and the unworn baby clothes into Elise’s car.

“Promise me you’re coming to see Dad tomorrow? No excuses? He’s so fragile right now. I don’t want to tell him and then have you not show up.”

Elise looked at him with such hope that it tugged at Jack’s heart. “I promise. I want this, Elise. I want to deal with all the stuff I’ve buried. I really, really want to move forward. I can’t bring Linda back, and living in an angry state won’t do it either.”

“You know that Linda wouldn’t ever have let you remain in that state for more than—”

“Ten minutes. I haven’t thought about that since before….” Sadness gripped him again, but somehow, the anger that usually came on the heels of it had been cleansed by their conversation. “Remember the ten-minute rule?” Jack said with a smile.

In unison, they said, “You have ten minutes to be angry, ten minutes to be sad, ten minutes to be anything other than thankful that you have an eleventh minute to look forward to.”

“Do you think she always knew something might happen?” Elise asked as she started her car.

“No. I asked her about that once, and she said it was just a waste of energy to be anything but happy.” He looked away, realizing how disappointed Linda would have been if she knew that not only had he broken her sacred rule, but he’d lived with his anger for two years.

“Speaking of angry, have you spoken to your family?”

“I’m working on it. I’m gonna make this right, Elise. Thank you for coming out here and for not turning your back on me when you had every right to.”

She turned smiling eyes up to him. “I’m Linda’s sister. How could you expect anything else? I love you, Jack. I can’t tell you what it means to me to see you without your teeth clenched so tight that I feared they’d crack. I’m proud of you.”

“Don’t be. Besides marrying Linda, I haven’t done anything to be proud of since my military years.” He thought of how proud he’d been back then and how just putting on his uniform had made his chest swell. The man he’d been never would have cowered away behind a cold exterior and hundreds of acres of woods.
How have I fallen so far?

“I forgot to ask. Where have you been living? I mean, everyone knows you haven’t been here.”

Jack thought about telling her the truth, but he just wasn’t there yet. That cabin in the woods was still his security blanket, even if he was trying to outgrow it.

“Around.” He leaned into the car and kissed her cheek. “I love you, too, Elise, and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

She nodded and pulled the car forward, then stopped and stuck her head out the window. “One more thing. Don’t give up on Rush. He’s as stubborn as you are—he learned from the best.”

Jack watched her pull away and felt a little lighter as he crossed the driveway and headed back inside. He’d never cried so much in his life, and he felt as though he’d been drained of everything inside of him— his blood, his energy, and surprisingly, his anger. He closed the door behind him and waited for the ominous feeling that usually followed him into the house to return, but it didn’t come. He glanced cautiously toward the kitchen, expecting Linda’s image to be looking back at him, and when it wasn’t, he felt a tiny shock of sadness and a larger pulse of relief. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. He needed air.

He cranked open the casement windows in the living room, and then he opened the glass doors in the dining room that led to the deck, and the brisk night air swept through the small house. The smell of autumn filled his senses and brought a smile to his lips. He closed his eyes again and recalled the feel of Savannah in his arms, her breasts pressed against his chest, her soft lips on his. He’d fought the urge to think about her since he’d left her the message earlier in the evening. He’d wrestled with guilt over what they’d done and where he was in his life, and since she hadn’t returned his call, he worried that he’d blown the only chance he’d get at being with her. The world had passed him by hour by hour for months on end, and he hadn’t even noticed, and now, every second he believed he’d never see Savannah again felt like a lifetime.

The cordless house phone rang, startling him out of his thoughts. Jack carried a cell phone, but he rarely used it, and he never gave out the number. As he listened to the house phone ringing for the third time, he wondered what Elise had forgotten to tell him, or if she was calling just to be sure he really was still there.

“Hello?”

“Jack?”

Before he could stop himself, he gasped a loud breath. “Savannah.” Her voice was so sweet and tentative that he wanted to crawl through the phone and see her beautiful green eyes and wrap her in his arms.