Bursting With Love (7 page)

THEY BEGAN THE morning with a three-mile hike along the side of the mountain. Jack had talked for the first mile and a half about the importance of finding the right spot for building a shelter. He described what to look for in adverse weather conditions, showed them how to choose a location that appeared free of animal dens, and taught them the dangers of not being aware of their environments, warning them to look for branches in danger of falling and rotten tree trunks. When he spoke, his eyes were drawn to Savannah. She looked even more gorgeous than she had earlier that morning. Her cheeks were flushed from the steep incline they’d ascended, and her hair had gotten mussed as she ducked under branches. Jack was relieved that the guilt that had gnawed at him hadn’t returned.

Jack led them back down the mountain flanked by Aiden and Pratt. Pratt had on another dark T-shirt and the same black tuque he’d worn since he arrived. Lou walked on Aiden’s other side, while the women chatted behind them. He’d been counting down the hours until Savannah would be in his arms again, and as consuming as that thought was, every time he looked at Pratt he felt a need to get through to him. His brooding eyes reminded Jack so much of his younger brother Sage that he couldn’t leave him to deal with his trouble on his own.

Based on his experience with his own brothers, Jack was pretty sure that there was no way in hell Pratt would talk about whatever was bothering him. He hoped that he might find a roundabout way to eke it out of him. He hated to see such a young man so angry all the time. It was one thing to have lost the woman you loved, but quite a different thing to just be angry at the world. He was mulling over the right approach when Aiden broke the silence.

“When I grow up, I’m gonna be a survivor man, too,” Aiden said.

“You can be anything you want to be if you work hard enough at it,” Lou said.

“No, I can’t,” Aiden said. “I can’t be Superman no matter how hard I try.”

“How do you know unless you try?” Lou winked at Jack.

Pratt made a
tsk
sound.

That was all Jack needed to know that Lou had hit home with something.

“I guess…” Aiden scrunched his face and thought about the question. “I guess I have to try; then I’ll know.”

“Good plan,” Lou said.

“Pratt, tell me about what you do. Your registration form said artist.” Jack hoped his comment sounded innocent.

Pratt pulled at the edge of his black T-shirt. “I sculpt,” he answered.

Jack had heard his voice so rarely that each time he spoke, the deepness of it took him by surprise.

“What medium do you use?” Lou asked.

Pratt shrugged. “Mostly metals. Bronze, brass, aluminum, iron. I also do some smaller sculpting with clay and some wood carvings.”

Jack noticed the hint of excitement in his voice. “My mother is a sculptor and a painter. I’ve always been fascinated by her ability to create fantastic things out of her imagination. How did you get into it?”

Pratt shrugged again. “Friends, I guess. While I was at college, I studied on the lawn of the art building. That side of the campus had the most shade and the people were, I don’t know…more interesting.”

“Than?” Jack asked. He heard Savannah laugh and glanced behind him. She was holding on to Josie’s hand and they were both doubled over with laughter. Elizabeth had a wide smile on her face, and she waved to Jack. He smiled.

“Than what?” Pratt asked.

“The art students were more interesting than who or what?” Jack asked.

“Oh, than the engineering dudes. They were dolts. Repressed. You know the type. They think they’re smarter than everyone else and all that.” For the first time since they’d arrived, Pratt looked at Jack with a hint of levity in his eyes. “You’re not an engineer, are you?”

Jack laughed. “Not anymore.”

“Shit.” Pratt shook his head, and his mouth lifted to a crooked smile.

Jack felt a shift in Pratt’s attitude, and he was glad to see hints of a nicer guy beneath the sullen exterior. “It’s okay. I studied engineering, but I went into the military after college and ended up in the Special Forces.” That year, Jack had met the men who would become like brothers to him. And years later, after Linda’s death, he’d erased them from his life just as he’d abandoned his own family. He’d even removed their numbers from his cell phone. “You’re right about engineering school. It’s pretty serious stuff. So did you graduate?”

“Yeah,” Pratt said.

Jack could not reconcile the young man with the black tuque pulled down low over his forehead with the other eggheads he knew in college. Great men, but they were highly intelligent, and not one of them had a creative bone in their body. “So, why sculpting? Did you dislike the engineering field?”

Aiden pulled on Jack’s pants leg. “Excuse me, Jack, but what’s sculpting?”

“I’ll let Pratt answer that.”

“Well, it’s when you take something—like a hunk of metal or clay—and you reshape it until it looks like something else. Sometimes you have to use really hot fire, which is cool, and sometimes you can just use your hand or you use tools.” Pratt nodded. “Do you use Play-Doh?”

“Uh-huh,” Aiden said.

“That’s sculpting,” Pratt said.

“Cool. So I can be a survivor man and a sculptor.” Aiden beamed at his father.

Lou patted him on the head. “That’s right. You can do anything and everything you want, and if you need to learn how, we’ll find a teacher.”

Pratt sighed. “You probably shouldn’t tell him that, ’cause it’s not really true.”

“What’s not?” Lou asked.

“That he can do anything he wants to do.”

“I don’t understand. Of course he can. If you work hard enough, you can accomplish just about anything. Right, Jack?” Lou said.

Two days ago, Jack would have agreed with Pratt. His future looked like it was going to be one of a reclusive angry man with no hope for happiness. Now, as he looked back at Savannah and felt a fluttering in his chest, he felt a glimmer of hope that he might not be held hostage by that anger forever. It was the strangling guilt that he wasn’t as confident about.

“I think everyone should try as hard as they possibly can at anything they do in life. It doesn’t matter if you’re a garbage man or the president. Hard work pays off.” It had taken every ounce of Jack’s energy, his spirit, and his willpower to fall back from the public life he’d once lived and come to a place of solitude in order to suppress the guilt that surrounded Linda’s accident. He’d known the cost when he’d done it. As much as he wanted to disappear, it was difficult to turn his back on the people he loved. Now he wondered if he’d tried hard enough. When he told Savannah that before meeting her he’d finally been able to function like a normal human being, he was telling the truth. What he hadn’t realized then, and what was becoming clearer by the minute, was that he wasn’t functioning like a normal person at all. He’d been functioning as an angry, guilty man who was able to deal with only a modicum of civilian life—and functioning was stretching it.
Maybe it’s time to deal with all this shit head-on
.

“I’m not talking about the ability to do what you dream of. I’m talking about society’s perceived value of what you do and the expectations of others,” Pratt explained.

It sounded to Jack like he wasn’t the only one waxing introspective.

“I know all about societal norms.” Lou patted Aiden’s head. “Some people think we’re rebelling against the system by homeschooling, but we just want Aiden to have a chance to learn more than schools allow. We want him to find his own likes and dislikes, and we want to nurture them through schooling. But there are even some parents who think it’s weird, so they don’t offer play dates and such.”

Jack looked over at Lou, noticing the content look in his eyes and the way he carried himself without any false bravado—his shoulders a little hunched, his belly a little soft. Lou wore hemp shorts and a loose cotton T-shirt. He appeared very comfortable in his own skin. Something Jack envied. “So why do it?” Jack asked.

Lou put his hand on Jack’s shoulder. “Why live in the woods?”

Because I was too angry to live around people
. “It makes me happy.”

“Exactly. Aiden’s happy when his mind is fulfilled, so we’re there to help,” Lou said. He mussed Aiden’s hair. “What does Dad always tell you, Aiden?”

“Always do what you love. Those who don’t like it don’t matter and those who matter don’t care,” Aiden said in a bored voice, as if he’d had to say it a million times.

“I’ve heard that a million times,” Pratt said. “I don’t get it because, like, my parents are all over me to go back to corporate America and they do matter to me. There is such a thing as caring too much.”

“My family doesn’t love what I do, and they matter more to me than, well, just about anything else in life.” The words left Jack’s lips before he could think to stop them. His family had reached out to him so often during the first few weeks after Linda’s death, and he’d pulled away—ignoring their efforts and their offers of help. At first it just hurt too much to see the people he loved when the one he loved most would never be with him again. As time progressed, the guilt of not seeing them wore him down and he was afraid to face them, but not a day went by that he didn’t miss his family. Before Linda had died, he’d spoken to his mother every week on the phone, sometimes twice a week. She’d tell him about her gardens or her latest sculpture, and he’d enjoyed those conversations. And Siena and Dex, his twin sister and brother, had just turned twenty-six in June, and he owed them a visit.

“So, how do you handle it, Jack?” Pratt asked.

“Not well, I’m afraid, but my position is a little different. I sort of lost my mind after my—for a while,” Jack answered. They were almost to the end of their hike and back at the stream, and he didn’t want to talk about Linda and stir up all that anger and guilt again. He was enjoying the short reprieve. “The real question, Pratt, is how are you handling it?”

Pratt held Jack’s gaze. “Not very well either, I’m afraid. Arguing with my parents. I thought that shit would end when I left for college, but they want to control my life.”

“Too many parents want to do that, and it’s a real shame,” Lou said. “I hope I never do that to Aiden, but who knows what’ll happen ten years from now, or twenty. Live in the here and now. Maybe you both can let your family members know this is what you need to be happy. If they love you—which I’m sure they do—they’ll eventually come around, but arguing to prove your point won’t make it heard any louder. If anything, they’ll turn a deaf ear.”

Lou may have been speaking to Pratt, but as Jack listened to his advice, he realized that he’d argued with his family, demanded that they leave him the hell alone and let him deal with Linda’s death and the guilt he felt on his own terms, but not once did he have a heart-to-heart, calm and rational discussion about any of it. He’d been too angry and they’d been too hurt.

Maybe it’s time to heal more than just my own broken heart
.

BACK AT THE stream, they cooked a stew of lentils, rice, carrots, and potatoes, and after eating as a group, Jack told them to take a few minutes to clear their heads and prepare for the shelter prep lesson. When he addressed the group, his eyes often drifted to Savannah, and each time they did, her stomach dipped like a fan girl seeing Tim McGraw for the first time.

Savannah and Elizabeth watched Pratt and Josie on a boulder nestled beside two large trees. Pratt lay on his back with his head in Josie’s lap, and it struck Savannah how fast people connected with one another.

“They’re cute, huh?” Elizabeth said.

“When I look at them, I see how free they are. Like real life doesn’t exist. As if it’s just the two of them without a care in the world,” Savannah said.

“But you know that in a paucity of hours, they’ll be back to the real world, and who knows what will happen, or if they’ll ever see each other again.”

Savannah’s smile faded.
A paucity of hours
.

Jack joined them a moment later. “Ladies, how are you holding up?”

“This has been amazing, Jack.” Elizabeth looked back at her tent. “I think Aiden is quite taken with you.”

“He’s a cute kid. Seems really interested in all of this. I hope he can hold on to that as he gets older,” Jack said.

“We’ll instill the lessons that you’ve taught him. Don’t worry.” Elizabeth touched Savannah’s arm and said, “I think I’ll join them.”

Elizabeth turned her back to Jack and lifted her eyebrows with a wide smile toward her. In Manhattan, Savannah had one close girlfriend, Aida Strong, and she was so different from Elizabeth. Aida was a snarky and aggressive attorney, and Savannah enjoyed the time they spent catching up over drinks or dinners and passing quips back and forth when they passed each other in the hallway. Aida was a true city girl at heart, and as Savannah looked around the mountain, she knew that Aida would never have made it past the dirt landing strip, and she was glad for Elizabeth’s company.

Jack crossed his arms and planted his feet in a wide stance as he watched over the group, a position she’d come to know as one of either anger or of caretaker and proud instructor. As he rubbed the back of his left arm with his right, she had the feeling he was proud of not only leading the group, but at having taught them a few things along the way.

Her heartbeat ratcheted up as she drew her eyes slowly down his profile. The way his shirt and jeans strained against his impressive, taut muscles reminded her of the way he’d been standing when they’d first landed, only now when she looked at him, the first thing she saw wasn’t the harsh exterior. It was the birthmark just to the right of his left ear and the way he rubbed the thick white scar running down the back of his left arm.

Without turning to look at her, Jack said, “Some people consider it rude to ogle others.”

Savannah laughed. “Like when they’re bathing in the stream and that other person comes tumbling down the hill?”

He looked at her then, and she could tell he was repressing a smile. “I was keeping you safe.”

“From?”

“Bobcats,” he said, and finally the smile broke free. He reached for her hand. “You realize this is a four-day course, right? This is our last night together.”

Savannah didn’t want to think about it. “Yes.”

“Just making sure,” he said.

“What kind of answer is that?” Savannah opened her eyes wide. “Wait. Is this your way of saying that whatever this is between us is over when we leave?”
I thought you weren’t a fling kind of guy
.

“Nope. Just making sure you’re thinking about it.” He picked up a rock and tossed it into the stream.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She supposed they should even if she’d rather wait one more day and enjoy their remaining time together without the stress of worrying about what comes next.

“Nope. But I would like to spend time with you tonight.” He looked at the water once again.

“Me too.” She could see something pulling at his mind, sending worry lines across his forehead again. “Jack, is something wrong?”

“Nope. Just thinking about stuff. Come on. I’ll teach you how to build a shelter. You never know when you’ll be caught outside of the concrete jungle.”

Part of Savannah wanted to nail down where they were headed, but it frightened her, too. They’d have plenty of time to think about that later in the evening.

They joined the group, and Savannah couldn’t shake the feeling that Jack had something big on his mind. She could only hope that it wasn’t about not wanting to carry their relationship past the weekend.

Back at the fire pit, they listened to Jack explain how to make a shelter using materials indigenous to the mountain and woods.

“Key elements to remember are length, warmth, wind direction, and of course…what?” Jack looked to Aiden for the answers.

“Be away from animal dens,” Aiden said. He looked at his mother and then his father with a proud smile. Elizabeth pulled him close and kissed the top of his head.

“Right. Excellent. All we really need are sticks and leaves. Later I’ll show you how to use mud and vines to secure and insulate a shelter, but for now, we’re focusing on the basic structure. The first thing I want you to do is to gather sticks about yay high.” He held a hand up to his chest. “We’re going to place them at an angle, so be sure they’re not too short. Remember, no one goes alone, so grab a buddy and take off.”

Aiden rushed to his side. “Jack, after we do this, will you help me pack my own survivor bag with rope and stuff?”

Jack raised an eyebrow in his mother’s direction. She shrugged, then nodded.

“Sure, buddy. We’ll do it as soon as we’re done,” Jack said.

Elizabeth appeared by Savannah’s side. “Ready?”

“Sure.” Savannah took one last glance over her shoulder at Jack as they headed off in search of sticks.

Finding appropriate sticks was not as easy as Savannah had thought it would be. Most were too short, some were too heavy, and others snapped like brittle bones. They grabbed the few appropriately sized sticks they could find. In her mind, she toyed with the idea of her and Jack in a homemade shelter in the woods.
We wouldn’t need any insulation at all.

“How are you holding up?” Elizabeth asked.

“Fine, why?”

“I don’t know. Tonight’s our last night here, and Lou said he and Jack talked with Pratt and that he had the feeling Jack needed help finding his way back to his family as much as Pratt did.”

Savannah had already pushed the thought from her mind. She didn’t want to think about it being her last night on the mountain with Jack. “What do you mean?” Savannah asked as she reached for a stick.

“He didn’t say much. Just that when Jack talked about how he handled things with his family after his wife’s death, he seemed a little stressed.”

“Well, that explains why he seems a little distant today,” Savannah said. “How did you know about his wife?”

Elizabeth looked away.

“Elizabeth?”

Elizabeth sighed. “You can’t say anything, okay?”

“Okay. I promise,” Savannah said, not knowing if she could keep the promise.

“Linda’s family has been really worried about him. I know her younger sister, Elise, but we weren’t really close before Linda died, so Jack and I had never met. Anyway, Jack sort of dropped off the face of the earth, and now Linda’s father is not well. He’s got terminal cancer.”

“Oh no, that’s terrible,” Savannah said.

“Really sad. He’s a good man, and they’re really worried because the last time Jack saw him they had a blowup, and Ralph—that’s Linda’s father—said things to him that he shouldn’t have. Mean things. And he wants to apologize before he dies. Anyway, Lou and I registered for the trip, and when I told Elise, she asked if we’d let her know how he was doing before they, you know, pushed their way back into his life.” Elizabeth shrugged.

Savannah chewed on the information for a minute before responding. “So you’re here to spy on him?”

“No. We’re here because Jack has the strongest reputation in the business, and we wanted to come on this type of retreat. We thought it would be good for Aiden and good for us as a family. But when Elise found out...They love him so much, and if you could see Elise’s dad. He’s so fragile right now, and what he wants more than anything on earth is to fix things with Jack. I mean, I was coming anyway. What was I going to do? Tell her I wouldn’t let her know how he was doing?”

“No, of course not. Jack definitely has some unresolved anger and guilt. What are you going to do? Will you eventually tell Jack?”
Will I?

“No, I don’t think so. I’ll let them know that he seems to be still really hurting. You saw him when we arrived. He could barely speak without anger spewing out in all directions. Since you two connected, he’s softened, but you can see he’s still fighting those demons, and he could be for years to come. From what Elise said, he was never an angry person before the accident. She thinks he blames himself, and if what she says is true, then talking to Ralph might alleviate a lot of that guilt.” Elizabeth touched Savannah’s arm.

Savannah chewed on the reality that Jack might be wrestling with his anger and guilt for years.
Years
.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you when we first met, but I didn’t know if it was my place or not. When I saw that budding interest between you two, I didn’t want to ruin it with this stuff, but when you asked me just now, I didn’t want to hide it from you.”

“That’s okay. I get it. It probably would help him to talk to her father, but that really has to be his decision. Does he know he’s sick?” Savannah felt like she held this new knowledge in her hand, and it was a weighty and precarious position to be in.

“No. By the time he was diagnosed, Jack had basically disappeared from their lives but, of course, not from their hearts,” Elizabeth said. “The disease has progressed really fast. It’s terrible—first Linda, now her father. And Linda’s accident was so tragic.”

“Jack hasn’t shared the details of her accident with me, and I don’t know if he ever will, but I’d rather hear it from him when he’s ready.” She hated keeping any secrets from Jack, and even though Elizabeth had been planning this trip before she even knew Elise would want her to check on Jack, it still felt wrong not to tell him she knew Linda’s family. She couldn’t decide anything right then. She was too confused to think straight. “I hope they can all get the closure that they need.” Savannah thought of her father and the way he maintained that he was still in contact with her dead mother. She wondered if she was setting herself up to be hurt by continuing things with Jack.

No one can compete with the ghost of a lover
.