Burying Ben (8 page)

“Then give
m
e another chance. I’ve only
m
et with him
twice. That’s not enough ti
m
e to figure out what’s wrong and to see if i
t
’s fixable, especially since he had already had three weeks with Eddie. By the ti
m
e
I saw him, his self-confidence was in the du
m
ps.”

I can see Baxter flexing under his jacket,
as though his
m
uscles and his brain were looped together. “Okay. Here’s what I’m
go
i
ng to do. I’m
going to give him a week off so he can rest up. He’s probably exhausted. Then I’m
going to start him
with another FTO. If he doesn’t
m
easure up, he’s out. I’m
m
aking an exception here because
m
y new depart
m
ent psychologist
is recommending it. I hope you know what you’re doing, Doc.”

Me too, I think to
m
yself.

April isn’t
w
hat I expected, although I’m
not s
u
re what that was. She is short and plu
m
p beyond pregnant. She is wearing
black leggings and a low cut,
sarong style jersey top that shows off h
e
r
m
other-to-be
m
a
mmaries to gre
a
t advantage.
A
pparently modesty has gone out of style
f
or pregnant wo
m
en. She
appea
r
s dressed to re
m
ind everyone of how she got pregnant and what she’ll be
up to after she gives birth.

“Dr. Meyerhoff, this is my wife April. April, this is Dr. Meyerhoff.”

Ben
l
ooks as though he hasn’t slept. He see
m
s thinner than ever and there are dark shadows under his eyes. We shake hands. April’s is doughy and
war
m
. Her nails are painted
m
i
dnight blue. “Nice to
m
eet you,” she s
a
ys and pulls her hand away.

“Thanks for co
m
i
ng in. Sit anywhere you’re co
m
f
ortable.”

She looks around the office. Ben looks at her. Finally she chooses the big chair that sits at right
angles
to
the couch. Ben sits at the end of the couch c
l
osest to her and reaches for her hand. She crosses
h
er feet at the a
n
kles. She is wear
i
ng sandals and each of her toes is painted a different fluorescent color, like tiny tropical fish.
There are
d
aisies drawn
on her big toes and in the center of each daisy is a s
m
all rhinestone. I wonder if
she did this herself or if she paid so
m
eone to give her a pedicure. Given their circumstances and the tenuous hold Ben has on his job, I wouldn’t think there was
anything left over in their budget even for little luxuries.

“Ben says you haven’t been
feeling well, so I a
p
preciate your
m
aking the effort to be here this morning.”

She shifts slightly
in her seat, withdraws her hand from
Ben’s and sets it lightly over her belly. Ben’s head is
tilted forward. His eyes dart back and forth between April and the floor.

“Let’s start with the good news,“ I say.
Ben looks up. “Chief Baxter has agreed to give you another F
T
O, kind of
a last chance opportunity.“

Ben
m
akes a fist and pumps it in the air. “Yes
.
” It co
m
es out like a
h
i
ss. He turns to April. “I told you I’d work so
m
e
t
hing
out.”
H
e turns back to
m
e. “Th
a
nk you, Doc. Thank you, thank you, thank you.“

“There’s even
m
ore good news. He wants you to take a week off b
e
fore you start with your new FTO. He thinks, and I agree, that you
m
ust be exhausted. Wouldn’t be fair to you or to a new FTO if you’re weren’t rested up.”

“Is he going to get paid for th
a
t wee
k
?” Ap
r
il as
k
s.

“Jesus, April,” Ben says under his breath.

“
W
e need things for the baby.”

“The baby won’t be here for another six
m
onths.”

They sink into sulky silence.

“Sounds like things are pretty tense between you two at the
m
o
ment. No surprise, considering the stress you’re bo
t
h under. That’s why I wanted to t
a
lk to
y
ou togeth
e
r
.
”

April turns her eyes to me. She has
a prac
t
iced neutrality, almost like a cop. I wonder what’s behind that co
o
l façade.

“
W
e’re okay,” she says.

“No we’re not.” Ben’s looks at
m
e, his eyes pleading for understanding. Red blotches
m
a
r his cheeks and forehead.
“
W
e’re here.
W
e
m
i
ght as well be honest.
W
e don’t talk,
w
e don’t have sex, we don’t do anyth
i
ng together any
m
ore. All you do is sleep and play on your co
m
puter.”

April’s
m
outh knots up in a snarl. “
A
nd all you do is work. You’re never ho
m
e, so how can I do anything with you
?
” She
l
ooks at
m
e. “And when he’s ho
m
e, all he wants to talk
about is w
o
rk. Boring.” She cuts t
h
e word in two, each syllable slowly rolling off her tongue like a bolt of cloth.

“Okay,” I say.
“
W
e need a break.
O
r
dina
r
ily,
w
hen I start
w
orking with a couple, I li
k
e to sp
e
nd a little ti
m
e with ea
c
h of
them
individually. I’ve had a c
h
ance to talk with Ben alone, so
m
aybe, April, you and I could talk
for a few
m
i
nutes while Ben waits in the lobby.
W
ou
l
d that be okay?”

She gives
m
e a
‘whatever’ look and Ben bolts for the door.

“So, April, let’s back things up a little
bit. Like I said, I can see that you are both under a lot of strain. I und
e
rstand why. You have a lot on
your plates. The trouble is, you’re fighting each other, not t
h
e proble
m
. I
t
’s not easy being a cop and it’s c
e
rtainly not easy being pregnant. You’re probably just get
t
ing used to living together.”

I wait for her to re
a
ct, to wince, s
m
ile, well up with tears, anything to show
m
e that I’ve hit the
m
ark. But I get nothing. I already have rapport with
Ben. I need to connect with April too or we won’t get anywhere. Couples counseling is like
w
alking a tight rope. Each partner silently keeping score, gauging
the
t
h
erapi
s
t’s
every
facial
tic
as a
m
ark for one side or the other. I start again
with so
m
ethi
n
g neutr
a
l.

“Tell
m
e, how did you and Ben
m
eet
?
”

“At community c
o
llege,
in the lib
r
a
r
y.“

“Love at first sight?”

“It was for hi
m
. He said I was the most beautiful girl he had ever
m
et.”

“
W
ow. That’s quite a compli
m
ent
.
”

She shrugs.

“And for you?
Instant attractio
n
?
”

“Not really. I
m
ean, Ben’s ho
t
, but I know a lot of hot guys.”

“But you didn’t
m
arry the
m
.”

“Because of my Dad.”

“
W
hat do you
m
ean
?
”

“The guys I went out with, he’d run their
license plates and e
v
erything to see if they had a juvie record. Grill them
about where we were going and who was driving. Most of the ti
m
e guys never asked
m
e out again. Ben was way responsible. And he wanted to be a cop.”

“Is your Dad a cop
?
”

“Used to be. He’s the district attorney
of Sacramento County.”

Knocking up the district attorney’s daughter. Not a great sta
r
t for a cop. Good thing they don’t work in the sa
m
e county.

“So, how do you like being
m
arried?”

“Okay, I guess.”

“You and Ben are fighting a lot?”

“Sa
m
e as everybody. Sa
m
e as
m
y p
a
rents.”

“Different from
what you expected?”

She looks at her watch. “Is this going to
take
m
uch longer?
I’m hungry. I eat all the ti
m
e. By the ti
m
e I have this baby I’m
going to weigh a ton.”

“I
m
ean, if I were in your place, yo
u
ng, pregnant, not feeling well, and my husband was totally preoccupied with wo
r
k, I might feel lonely or resentful.”

“I told you before. I’m
bored. And I’m bored talking to you.”

“And
m
aybe a little angry, too
?
”

“I don’t get angry.”

“Everyone gets angry.”

“Not
m
e. C
a
n Ben co
m
e back in
?
”

She
stands up without waiting for an answer and opens the door. Ben walks in, looking from
April to
m
e and back again. I wonder if he sees the pounding under
m
y cheekbones or t
h
e way the
m
u
scles in the back of
m
y neck are p
u
lled tight as a d
r
u
m
. A good therapist would have more co
m
p
a
ssion for April. I just want to shake the little
bitch by her shoulders. So
m
uch for therapeutic neutrality.