But Enough About You: Essays (11 page)

“Coming up next, medical news: Could living in damp tunnels for long periods of time be affecting your sex life? We’ll have a report from our medical correspondent, deep inside Tora Bora. And a report on farewell videos—is the camera you’re using to record your teenage suicide bomber’s final good-bye getting the full picture? We’ll have that, and our Martyr of the Week, when we return.”

—
The New Yorker
, October 2005

MARDUK-BEL-BABUKK

Babylon, 602 B.C. 1.2 million gold and silver pieces. Contracting. Fourteen wives, eighty-five children.

Parlayed a modest mud-and-wattle business into Babylon’s premier contracting operation. One of his wives’ cousins was a bridesmaid of Amytis of Media, wife of Nebuchadrezzar II. After Amytis grew homesick for her native mountain springs, Marduk cannily proposed she persuade her husband to build “drop-dead gardens around the palace.” Result: the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, one of the Seven Wonders of the ancient world. Nebuchadrezzar reportedly flew into a rage when Marduk presented his final bill but eventually was mollified after feeding several hundred of Marduk’s workers to his pet lions. Hobbies: making palm wine, astrology, avoiding Nebuchadrezzar at public receptions.

EFTIMIOS PANAKOUSATIS

Piraeus, 481 B.C. 4 million to 6 million glaukai (tetradrachmae). Delphic banking, yogurt. Divorced from popular Athens cabaret singer Calypso Atalanta. Three children.

Started with two goats, one of which he had to eat during the harsh Corinthian winter of ’02. In his early twenties traveled to Delphi near Mount Parnassus to seek career advice from the Oracle there. Noticed that people left thanksgiving offerings for the Oracle; reportedly struck a deal with the Oracle whereby he would keep 60 percent of the offerings while the Oracle got Larry Ellison as CEO. Amassed vast real estate holdings around Mount Parnassus, where multiple “oracles” soon sprang up, advising supplicants to leave even more offerings. Scored major points with the Greek archon Themistocles when he loaned the Athenian government his yacht
Calypso
—renamed
Anna Nicola
after a messy divorce from his singer wife—for the Battle of Salamis. Following the naval victory, he demanded the government refit the vessel with a spa, pool, and wet bar.

CASSIUS BINOCULARIUS ANTHRAX

Capri, 3 B.C. 90 million aureii. Off-circus betting, slave trading.

Nickname “Buddy” bestowed on him by Emperor Tiberius during a three-day Lupercal drinking binge. Said to have fixed the 1 B.C. chariot race at the Circus Maximus between Ben Hur and his rival Messala. Pocketed enormous winnings after Messala (favored 50–1) was trampled under Ben Hur’s chariot. Parlayed windfall into franchise betting operations in Parthia, Dacia, Iberia, and Germania, using a highly controversial system of reporting Roman chariot race results. Forced to shut down Germania operations after tribes torched his betting shops (with the concessionaires inside) following years of consistent losing. Bounced back; established a slave-trading network (Jeevus Dottus Commus) that kept patrician homes from Rome to the Amalfi Coast supplied with prized Britannic butlers.

KU F’ENG

Xian, 234 B.C. 800 to 900,000 bu. Pottery. Marital status: unknown but thought to have left several thousand direct descendants.

Name translates roughly as “Maker of money from dirt.” A modest potter in Xian province, F’eng convinced the thirteen-year-old emperor Qin Shi Huang—later known as “The First Emperor” after he united China—that his mausoleum should contain, among other creature comforts, eight thousand life-size terra-cotta warriors to guard him in the afterlife. Created the world’s first life-size terra-cotta warrior mass-production facility (an engineering feat not much imitated since). Eleven years and 8,099 warriors later, the now twenty-four-year-old emperor had bored of the project and, on the pretext that Ku F’eng was a secret adherent of Confucianism, had him buried alive along with the vast clay army. Sometimes called “The Last Warrior.”

MARCANTONIO FANTUCCI

Venice, AD 1634. 5 million to 7 million ducats. Glassblowing, tele-scopes.

Apprenticed under the great Venetian glassblower Finoccio Babbalucanelli, supplier of chandeliers to the Medici. Fascinated early on by Galileo’s astronomical telescopic explorations. When Galileo was forced to recant his theory of heliocentrism before the Inquisition in 1633, Fantucci correctly bet the event would create a vast demand for telescopes so that, as he put it craftily, “Everyone may watch the Sun orbit around the Earth.” Borrowed 1,500 florins from Vigorino (The Shrewd) di Medici; constructed a telescope factory across the border in Switzerland (just to be safe). Most of his customers being Italian, he strove to remain in the favor of Pope Urban VIII and the Inquisition by naming his telescope the “Urban 8X.” The instruction manual stated the telescope was “so marvelously powerful that you can actually see God. He is the very handsome one (does he not resemble our own beloved Pope Urban?) sitting on the third ring of Saturn next to John the Baptist.” The telescopes sold briskly.

ANTOINE CHARLES EDUARD MARIE-BAPTISTE HONORÉ DE SAINT-HELOΪSE MERDE-ALORS, DUC DE VAUCOMPTE-LE-GROS

Versailles, 1704. 300,000 gold écus. Versailles. Fashion design.

Trained at the Atelier of Yves Le Chat-Blanc, supplier of hosiery and undergarments to the court of Louis XIV. When Le Chat-Blanc was felled by the plague on the eve of presenting the fall line of 1694, Antoine took over, impressing
le Roi Soleil
and his mistress Louise de la Vallière with his daring presentation of intimate apparel. Louis appointed him Pourvoyeur Exclusif des Sous-Pantalons Royales, making him the overnight toast of the Continent. Immediately feuded with Colbert, the finance minister, over astronomical bills for lingerie and
jocques-strapes dorées
; quarrel eventually led to the resumption of fierce religious war, for reasons that to this day continue to elude scholars. Following Louis’s death in 1715—attributed to an ill-fitting
culotte—Antoine left France under a cloud, never to return. Thereafter he designed undergarments for many of the royal houses of Europe, as well as for Peter the Great of Russia, who up to then had worn only crude drawers made from monks’ beards and jute. Attempts to mass-produce an early version of
le pantyhose
using silk and spiderweb failed, bankrupting him.

GILEAD (SAM) STARBUCK

Boston, 1775. 140,000 dollars to 160,000 dollars (silver). Tea.

In December 1773, Starbuck was purser on the New Bedford whaleship
Incontinent
when it put into Boston Harbor to offload. Observing a crowd of Bostonians oddly dressed as Native Americans and hurling bricks of valuable English tea into the harbor, he lowered one of
Incontinent
’s whaleboats and rescued some of the 45 tons of jettisoned tea. Opened his first tea shop in Braintree several days later, serving a beverage called “Sal-Tea.” When Sal-Tea failed to catch on, he rebranded it “Patrio-Tea,” which did eventually find acceptance with Boston’s tea-starved public. Subsequently struck a deal with the East India Company to supply (that is, smuggle) nonsalty tea to Massachusetts. His string of tea shops prospered, but scholars argue that he made a mistake calling them “Gileads” instead of some other catchier name.

—
Forbes Magazine
, October 2007

An article in the September issue incorrectly identified the president of the United States. The current president is George W. Bush, not Harry S Truman.

An article in the March issue about private whale hunts incorrectly identified the costs associated with the trips. The price for harpooning a sperm whale is $3,500, not $3,600. Taxidermy costs for stuffing and mounting a whale amount to $18,000, not $1,800. The cost of shipping the mounted whale by Federal Express was also incorrect. The actual cost is “a staggering” sum, not “a bunch.”

The cover article in the July issue, “Now Is the Time to Load Up on Tech Stocks,” incorrectly stated the actual right time. The time to buy tech stocks was July 1999, not July 2001.

A caption in the September issue incorrectly identified a man shown entering a Manhattan adult XXX peep show. It should have read, “Adult XXX peep shows have been popular among New York men since the 1680s,” not “Commercial real estate broker Roscoe F. Farnsbiddle of 138 Irving Road, Pelham Manor, often spends his lunch hour at peep shows instead of the Yale Club.”

An article on the new GE chairman, Jeffrey Immelt, incorrectly stated that he likes to relax by watching videos of prison electrocutions. He relaxes by reading biographies and histories, and hiking with his family.

An article in the October issue, “Fatal Shark Attacks Surge in Lake Michigan,” inadvertently gave the impression that there have been fatal shark attacks in Lake Michigan. According to the Lake Michigan Shark Attack Prevention Center, there have been no fatal shark attacks in Lake Michigan thus far this year. Last year, there were also none.

An article in the April issue, “Do-It-Yourself Plastic Surgery,” incorrectly represented the views of the American Association of Plastic Surgeons. It does not endorse do-it-yourself plastic surgery.

An article in the June-July issue, “How the South Won the War,” misrepresented the events at the Appomattox Courthouse in April 1865. It was General Lee who surrendered to General Grant, not the other way around.

An editing error in an article on the newly opened Hotel Wakami on the Hawaiian island of Molokai gave the false impression that there had been an outbreak of leprosy among the kitchen staff. The sentence should have read, “The kitchen specializes in fresh fish baked in parsley.”

Due to a computer error, the July issue was published in Tagalog. An English version is being prepared for publication.

An article in the August issue, “Prince Charles Deposes His Mother in Bloody Overnight Palace Coup as Prince Philip Flees into Exile,” contained several factual errors.

1) The correct term of address for Camilla Parker-Bowles, King
Charles III’s consort, is “Your Royal Consortship,” and thereafter, “Chooks,” not “Ducky.”

2) The midnight assault on Buckingham Palace by the Coldstream Guards was led by Captain Sir Reginald Hogg-Blother, CMG, VC, KCMP, VSOP, not Col. Alistair Pimpington-Rumpworth, GCMG, ASAP.

3) Under the terms of the abdication agreement, Queen Elizabeth may appear in public, but will not be allowed a handbag.

An article in the November issue, “Polar Bear Attacks in Downtown Omaha Up 35 Percent,” contained an error. According to the National Polar Bear Attack Center, there have been no polar bear attacks in downtown Omaha since the late Eocene era.

An article in the June issue, “Berkshire Hathaway Off 38,000 in One Day as Investors Flee,” mistakenly gave the impression that Berkshire Hathaway stockholders engaged in panic selling following a report that CEO Warren Buffett had been eaten by a great white shark while wading in Lake Michigan off Chicago’s Grant Park. Mr. Buffett was eaten by a polar bear when he stopped to fill his tank at a gas station outside Omaha.

A correction in the current issue incorrectly identified President Harry Truman’s middle name as “R.” His correct middle name was “Delano.” We regret the error.

—
Forbes FYI
, November 2001

VIRGO

(Aug. 23–Sept. 22)

Jupiter just passed through your fifth house and left it a mess. However, there are several good cleaning services that specialize in mopping up after large planets. If your business partner is an Aries, he’s probably cheating you, but don’t worry: An asteroid shower is passing through his house. However, now is not the time to run for Congress or regravel the driveway.

LIBRA

(Sept. 23–Oct. 23)

Take that shotgun barrel out of your mouth and do something positive for a change! Wash the car, tip the pizza man an extra dollar, propose to the airport security person who’s just asked you to turn your belt buckle inside out. Do not appoint Pisces as your executor. He’s sleeping with your girlfriend.

SCORPIO

(Oct. 24.–Nov. 21)

Scorpios love a threesome, but with Taurus in Virgo and Capricorn in Aquarius, this is no time for sex with Gemini. Instead concentrate on ridding the basement of radon and learning classical Portuguese so that you finally make good on your vow to enjoy the Lusiads of Camões in the original. Sell your remaining AOL when it hits 73 cents a share.

SAGITTARIUS

(Nov. 22–Dec. 21)

If you drive a Swedish or Japanese car, avoid oncoming sixteen-wheelers driven by amphetamine-crazed Libras. With your parents
redoing their wills, this is an opportune time to tell them that it was your brother’s idea, not yours, to put them in that assisted-living home that’s just been cited by the state attorney general for health code violations.

CAPRICORN

(Dec. 22–Jan. 19)

Concentrate on financial matters. Now’s an ideal time to “come clean” with the SEC about that $1.4 billion “loss” you reported in the second quarter, but make sure your commissioner is a Leo or Cancer, or you could find yourself sharing a cell with Michael Skakel for the next ten years. By all means treat yourself to that new yacht, but with Neptune on the rise, be on the lookout for giant sea serpents, oil spills, and rogue North Korean submarines looking to provoke an international incident.

AQUARIUS

(Jan. 20–Feb. 18)

Do not engage in any “air” element activities, such as bungee jumping, skydiving, or playing professional basketball. Instead, concentrate on indoor activities, such as baking cakes, vascular surgery, and insider trading. It’s also a good time to recharge your intellectual batteries. Recite Proust out loud in pig Latin.
Emembrance-ray of Hings-tay Ast-pay
 . . . But be wary of voices you hear that aren’t really “there.”

PISCES