By the Creek (17 page)

“I doubt that. You didn’t force him to be friends or into anything more. He was willing and made up his own mind,” Lynn said.

“How do you know that?” David asked, and Lynn smacked him on the shoulder.

“I know you,” she said. “There’s no way you’d ever force anyone to do anything they didn’t want. You’re too kind and thoughtful. Besides, you care too much for Benjamin to hurt him.” Lynn lowered her voice. “Look at you, you’re worried that you might have caused Benjamin’s pain, when the only person really hurting him and forcing him into a life he may not be ready for is his father.”

“I don’t know what he wants. All I know is that he told me just before his father dragged him away that he wasn’t sure what he wanted. His father was pushing him into joining their church, and then he was supposed to date and get married.” The pain in Benjamin’s eyes and voice came back to David full force. “I keep wondering if I wasn’t the one who introduced all the doubts he had, and if I’d left him alone, he’d be happier.”

Lynn patted David’s leg. “Sweetie, he’d still have the doubts, but he wouldn’t have had anyone to talk them over with. Without you, Benjamin would have gone through his entire life being unhappy and having no idea why. You can’t blame yourself for what happened, because sometimes there isn’t anyone to blame. Sometimes things just happen,” Lynn said, leaning back in her chair. “One of the hardest things for any of us to face is that we can’t control everything in our lives. Heck, we can’t control most of the things in our lives.”

David smiled at her. “You’re going to make a great psychologist and help a lot of people someday.”

“Why, do you feel better?” Lynn asked with a smile.

“I don’t know,” David said before dodging a swipe. “You already have, and I know you’re probably right. At least my head does, but my heart isn’t listening. My heart wants Benjamin so badly I can’t stand it.” David looked toward the field again. “Sometimes I can see him like he was last summer. We’d go swimming, and he’d joke and laugh. Benjamin is so smart. He used to put things together in these really unusual ways, but he’d come up with the most amazing insights, like the time he told me about the different kinds of birds and horses and related that to God making different kinds of people. I figured he’d have a hard time accepting that he was gay, but he worked it out on his own and seemed happier once he did.” David looked away from the field and back at Lynn. “I hope he’s happy now, whatever he’s doing.”

“I do too,” Lynn said as she got up. “I’m going to get something to eat. Do you want anything?” David shook his head and watched as Lynn grabbed a plate. She got a few vegetables and brought back her plate along with a couple of sodas, handing him one. David took it and sipped as people came over to say good-bye. David spent most of the rest of the evening getting wished all the luck in the world and told how exciting things were going to be happening for him. He only wished he could believe it.

A
FEW
days after the party, David drove to work for the lunch shift. Ahead of him, he saw someone walking a horse across the street. David instinctively knew it was Benjamin. His heart raced as he shifted his foot to the brake. The car slowed and David pulled closer. Benjamin was probably taking one of the horses to his uncle’s. He pulled off the road, stopped the car, and opened his door, standing up to peer over the top of the car. It was Benjamin; he could tell just by the way he walked. “Benny,” David said, and he saw Benjamin turn around to look at him.

For a split second, he saw a smile begin to form on Benjamin’s lips, but it quickly died and the spark in Benjamin’s eyes went out. He said nothing. Benjamin then turned and continued walking the horse across the field, head down, getting farther and farther away. David watched for a few seconds and then got back in the car, continuing on to work, but thought of Benjamin the entire drive.

Once he’d arrived at the Dairy Barn, David changed into his work clothes and jumped right into taking orders. Even though it was early, there were still a lot of people already seated, so he worked his tables and kept busy.

“What’s going on?” Carol asked once they were through the noon rush. “You’ve nearly spilled water on three customers and dropped two glasses. That isn’t like you. And you haven’t said a word to anyone other than the customers all day.” Carol filled several glasses with soda, taking an extra amount of time. “Are you okay?” David nodded and filled glasses before taking them to the tables. He took orders and put them into the kitchen before joining Carol at the serving station once again. “What gives?” Carol whispered after the boss passed by.

“I saw Benjamin this morning,” David said and quickly told her what happened.

“Did you speak to him? Did he talk to you?” Carol’s excited questions came in rapid succession.

“Not really. And he didn’t look happy,” David admitted quietly. “There was no spark in his eyes, and when he walked there was no energy or life. He shuffled and sort of trudged. Before, he was always full of this amazing jolt of life.” David saw that one of his orders was ready. He picked it up and delivered it to the table before making an additional trip for condiments and napkins and then returning to Carol. They’d long ago mastered the art of the interrupted conversation. “It’s like someone squeezed all the life out of him,” David said, as if they hadn’t been interrupted. “But there’s nothing I can do. He had the chance and he didn’t even talk to me.”

“Maybe you’re seeing what you want to see,” Carol offered, and they both left the station to take care of their tables. It took a few minutes before they were together again. “You know it’s possible.”

David nodded looking out over the restaurant. “It is, and I’ve thought about that. I’ve wondered a lot if I was seeing what I wanted to see where Benjamin was concerned, and I’m convinced I wasn’t. I know that. You can’t fake the way he acted all those months, and I saw the sadness and beaten-down look in his eyes.”

“But there’s nothing you can do about it,” Carol reminded him, and David nodded. “You want to, but you can’t.”

“Exactly,” David agreed, and then he left the serving station to refill glasses of water. Thankfully, the dropsies he’d experienced for much of the morning abated, sparing him cleanup duties and dirty looks from the customers and owner. Finally, his shift was over, and David changed in the bathroom. After saying good-bye, he left the restaurant. David had planned to make a trip to the store for a pair of jeans, but wasn’t in the mood at all. He didn’t feel like going home either, so he drove to Lake Michigan and sat on the sand near the water, listening to the waves. He had to get over this. David knew it. Benjamin was out of his reach and probably would be forever. David tried telling himself that, but neither his head nor his heart were buying it.

His phone rang, and David pulled it out of his pocket. He really didn’t want to answer it, but it was his mother. “Hi, Mom,” David said blandly.

“Where are you?” his mother asked.

“Just sitting down by the lake, thinking,” he told her, still looking out over the water. “I’ll be leaving for home soon.”

“Okay, honey, but there’s something here you’ll want,” she told him, and David nodded.

“I’ll head home now. See you soon.” David shoved the phone back into his pocket and stood up, then shuffled slowly back to the car. He wasn’t in any hurry as he drove home.

After pulling into the drive, he went inside and found his mother in the living room. “Sorry if I worried you,” David said, and she handed him a single piece of paper.

“I found it inside the garage when I got home. I haven’t read it, but I think I recognize the handwriting from the other note.” His mother smiled nervously, and David sat down and unfolded the page. The scrawled words were almost illegible.

Davey,

I am watched all the time, but I need to talk to you. I do not know what to do and I need your help. Please come to the clearing with the fallen tree. I do not know when I will be able to join you, but I will try as soon as I can. Uncle will need to borrow Papa’s horse again in the next few days.

Benny

David handed the note to his mother to read. “It sounds like he’s desperate,” his mother said, and David nodded. “This was written in a hurry.” His mother seemed to read the note again. “Do you know where this clearing with the fallen tree is? Why is he telling you about the horse?”

“That has to be the signal,” David said, taking back the note and handling it like a precious artifact. “He sometimes walks one of their horses across the field to his uncle’s.” David’s mind churned. “I always walked across the field to the swimming hole, and Benjamin said once that he always knew when I’d be there because he could see me crossing the field.” David read the note again and his heart raced. “If Benjamin could see me crossing the field, then so could everyone else. His father isn’t going to let Benjamin deliver the horse if he knows I’m nearby. He’ll ask someone else to do it or have someone go with Benjamin.”

“David, I want you to be careful, and I can already tell you’re getting your hopes up. You can’t. This whole thing with Benjamin has had you tied in knots for weeks and you’re just beginning to deal with it. What if he disappoints you again?”

“I have to know that he’s okay,” David said after swallowing hard. “The look on his face when I saw him today was so full of pain and sadness.”

“You saw him?” his mother asked excitedly.

David nodded. “On my way to work. He looked miserable, but didn’t say anything. He must have left the note after seeing me.” David’s heart pounded and hope bloomed deep inside. David knew his mother could be right, but he couldn’t help it. Benjamin had contacted him, and David would move heaven and earth to try to see him. “But how can I cross the field without being seen?”

“I don’t know,” his mother said. “I think you’ll have to figure that one out on your own.” His mother left the room, and David stared out the window toward Benjamin’s community. Somehow, he’d think of a way to see him. He had to.

David’s mother called him to dinner, and he ate, still deep in thought. Afterward, he cleaned up the dishes and put everything away. Lynn came over for a while and they talked. Unfortunately she didn’t have any suggestions about getting across the field either, and once she left, David went to bed, but didn’t sleep well, his thoughts consumed with Benjamin.

In the morning, David got up early since he couldn’t sleep, anyway. His mother was still in bed as he wandered into the kitchen. He started the coffeepot and waited for it to finish before pouring himself a mug. Peering out the back window, all David saw were wisps of white fog. Smiling, David hurried to the back door and pulled it open. Clouds of white hung over the field. They didn’t seem to extend very high off the ground, but it would probably be enough. Looking up through the fog, David could see blue sky. The fog wouldn’t last long, but with any luck, he could use it to get across the field if he walked over early in the morning. The rest depended on Benjamin.

Chapter 15

A
LMOST
a week later, David found another note under the back door when he got back from work. It asked him to please be at the clearing tomorrow morning if he could.
“Papa told me to bring Goliath to uncle’s just after sunrise. I will check the clearing on my way back.”

David’s heart raced as he hurried inside the house. At least he’d heard something from Benjamin. His mother came home a few minutes later, and David showed her the note. She read it and handed it back to him. “Don’t forget that you have to work tomorrow afternoon,” she told him, and David rolled his eyes. “I know you. You’ll sit there all day waiting for Benjamin to show up, and I’m just reminding you that you have a time limit.” David knew she was right. Without answering her, David moved closer and hugged her tight. “What’s this?”

“For being the best mom ever,” David said. He’d suddenly become very aware, like a spark had made a connection in his brain. His mother had supported him almost without question once he came out, through his friendship and more with Benjamin, the hurtful separation, and now this. “Most moms wouldn’t do what you’ve done.” There had been times when he’d felt like he hated his mother, but in a moment of clarity, all that changed.

“I just want you to be happy,” his mother said, and David nodded, still holding her.

“I know, you’ve always said that. But are you happy?” David asked.

His mother chuckled nervously in what David guessed was surprise. “Where did that come from?”

“You always say you want me to be happy, but are
you
happy?” David reiterated, releasing his mother before stepping back. “You haven’t seen anyone since Dad died, and maybe it’s time you thought about finding someone for yourself. After all, I’m not going to be here forever.” David smiled as he used one of his mother’s lines against her.