Candle in the Darkness (57 page)

“Well, we certainly got plenty of love around here,” Esther said, “but that’s about all we got.”

“Something smells good,” Caroline said, sniffing the air. “What’s baking in the cast-iron oven?”

“Oh, that’s just some sweet potatoes I’m fixing with sorghum and spices and such. Thought it might taste a little bit like sweet potato pie . . . without the crust, since there ain’t much flour.”

Against her will, Caroline thought of Charles and his family again. Their flour mills had been at a near standstill ever since the wheat harvests in the Shenandoah Valley had been lost to the enemy. Tessie heard through the slave grapevine that Mr. St. John had hired Josiah out to labor in the mines somewhere to earn extra money. Tessie hadn’t seen her husband since the night he’d brought Charles to the hospital. Yet in all the years that Tessie had spent apart from Josiah, Caroline had never heard her complain or seen her shed tears. She longed to ask Tessie what the secret was to forgetting. How much time had to pass before she would stop thinking of the man she loved every hour of every day, wondering where he was, what he was doing?

When their simple meal was on the table, ready to eat, Eli climbed up to the loft to wake Gilbert, who had been allowed to sleep late. The two men took turns staying awake all night, guarding Caroline’s property—and especially their meager supplies of food and firewood. Starving souls roamed the besieged city at night, stealing from anyone who had a little more than they did.

When everyone was seated around the table, Eli spoke the blessing. “Lord, I thank you for this food, and I ask you to bless those sorry folks who don’t even have this much. I thank you that Massa Lincoln won the election up north, cause he promise to set all us colored folks free. I thank you for sending your Son on this happy day and for loving us so much you adopt us into your family. Thank you, Massa Jesus. Amen.”

Caroline looked around at her servants and silently thanked God that they had adopted her into their family. Her own mother and father may have both chosen to leave her, but Tessie and Eli had stayed, even when it meant giving up their chance at freedom. She remembered her conversation with Eli a long time ago about Rahab the spy, who had betrayed her city, but who later became part of Christ’s family. Maybe Eli was right; maybe God did give something in return for what was lost.

“I’m thinking this war is just about over,” Eli said as they ate. “Ain’t that right, Missy?”

“Yes,” she replied, “anyone who’s realistic and has read about all the defeats we’ve suffered lately knows that it’s nearly over. And that the South has lost.”

According to the papers, General Sherman had just made good on his promise to deliver the city of Savannah to President Lincoln for a Christmas gift. But news of the desolation Sherman had left in his wake made Caroline disgusted with the Yankees. As much as she longed to see the slaves emancipated, she hated that it had cost such a staggering price.

“Now that our freedom is almost here,” Eli continued, “we have to start thinking about the future—what we all gonna do once we free. And most important, what job God asking us to do for Him. I think we should go round the table and let each person say what they dreaming about. Then we know how to pray for each other in the New Year.”

Heads nodded in agreement as Eli looked around the table at everyone. Caroline had never told any of her servants that her punishment for spying was going to be exile. If the war didn’t end before spring, before the next prisoner exchange, she would very likely be banished from her home in Richmond and sent north. But as she listened to her servants’ dreams for the future, she decided not to spoil the day by telling them what awaited her.

“All right then,” Eli said. “Guess I’ll go first . . . When I’m a free man I want to start a church where I can preach about the love of Massa Jesus. I believe He wants me to help all the colored folk learn how to serve their new Massa.” He turned to Esther, seated beside him.

“Now, Eli,” she said with a frown. “You know the Lord ain’t giving me no fancy plans like yours.”

“That don’t matter,” he said. “God needs people to do all kind of things, big and small. Just tell us what’s on your heart.”

“Well . . . I want to be able to cook again, to have me some food in this kitchen so I can feed the people I love. I want to have my son, Josiah, home. And I want to watch this little grandbaby of mine grow up into a man. That’s all.”

“Those are fine things to wish for,” Eli said. “How about you, Gilbert?”

He stared down at his plate for so long that Caroline didn’t think this normally quiet man was going to share his thoughts with the others. When he finally did, he surprised her.

“I’m praying that your daddy comes back, Missy Caroline. And that when he does . . . well, I’d like to get a job working on one of his ships. I ain’t never seen the ocean before. I’d like to sail down to one of them islands where the sugarcane grows. I hear they got some pretty colored women living down there, and I’d like to find me a wife.”

Luella was next. She spoke without ever looking up at anyone, blushing the entire time. “I promised Gus that I would marry him when we free. Gus use to drive for Missy Sally before he run off. He gonna find us a place to live and come back for me.”

Caroline winced at this reminder of Sally and Charles—and at her own ignorance of her servants’ lives. During all those years that the St. Johns had visited her home, Caroline had never guessed that their driver and Luella were falling in love.

“Gus a good man,” Eli said. “He’ll keep his word. . . . Tell us what you wishing for, Ruby.”

She shook her head. “Can’t recall ever wishing for anything, Eli. I took care of your mama, Missy Caroline, now I taking care you. I’d like to take care your babies and grandbabies if you let me.”

Caroline fought back tears. “I’d like that, too, Ruby,” she said. But she had no hope of ever loving another man besides Charles. Nor could she envision a future with children of her own for Ruby to care for.

Tessie spoke next. “I’m praying that my boy Grady come home,” she began.

“How old that boy be now?” Esther asked.

“Almost twenty. I still think of him as my boy, but he a man already. And, of course, I want Josiah to come home, too. I just want us all to live together for once in our lives—me and Josiah and Grady and Isaac. And to never have to be apart again. Missy Caroline, you my child, too, so I hoping Ruby will let me share some of your babies and grandbabies.”

“Sure can,” Ruby said. “Every child in the world need two grandmas.”

Caroline smiled, even though she didn’t dare to share her servants’ dreams. She remembered a night in Philadelphia, long ago, when her cousin Julia had hugged her pillow in the dark, pretending it was her husband. Caroline had tried it but found that the pillow had no face, that there was no one she could imagine marrying. Years later, that was still true. When she tried to picture Charles’ face, she saw it as she’d seen it last, his eyes filled with anger and the pain of her betrayal.

After a moment, Caroline noticed that the kitchen had gone quiet. She looked up. “How about you, honey?” Tessie asked her.

“I wish that the war would end,” Caroline said, her voice hoarse.

“Amen. But how about after that?” Eli asked gently.

Caroline brushed away a tear. She had prayed that Charles would live, and God had answered. In her deepest heart, all she wanted was for Charles to forgive her, to love her as he once had. But that wasn’t going to happen. A year ago she had begun to let go of that dream when she gave her wedding dress to Sally. No other dream had taken its place.

“I pray that my father comes home safely,” she finally said. “And my cousin Jonathan, too . . . I really haven’t thought much beyond that.”

“All right,” Eli said. “Let’s all pray . . . Massa Jesus, you see our dreams and know our hearts. You hold our futures in your hand. We can pray ‘Thy will be done’ with joy in our hearts because there’s hope in that prayer—hope that because you love us, your will is the very best thing for us. Take our dreams and your dreams for us, Lord, and make them one and the same. In Massa Jesus’ name, amen.”

As Eli prayed, Caroline felt God drawing near to her, just as He had a year ago in Sally’s bedroom. She realized that she still clung to Charles in her heart, hoping that he’d take her back—just as she’d clung to her wedding dress and trousseau long after the planned date had come and gone. Once again, Caroline opened her heart and her hands to God, surrendering her love for Charles to His will. By the time Eli said “amen,” Caroline felt at peace— even though the terrible pain of losing Charles still filled her heart.

“And now we got a little surprise for you, honey,” Tessie said.

Caroline opened her eyes and looked up. All of her servants were watching her. Tessie handed the baby to Eli and went over to the fireplace to fetch his Bible from the mantel. “We all been working on this surprise for a long time,” she said, searching for a bookmark as she talked, “but we saved it for a special day, like Christmas. We got something we want to show you.” She handed the open Bible to Ruby.

“ ‘O give thanks unto the Lord, for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever,’ ” Ruby read, pronouncing each word slowly, carefully. “ ‘Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, whom he hath redeemed from the hand of enemy; And gathered them out of the lands, from the east, and from the west, from the north, and from the south.’ ”

Ruby passed the book to Luella, and she began to read: “ ‘They wandered in the wilderness in a solitary way; they found no city to dwell in. Hungry and thirsty, their soul fainted in them.’ ”

Gilbert took the Bible next. “ ‘Then they cried unto the Lord in their trouble,’ ” he read, “ ‘and he delivered them out of their distresses. And he led them forth by the right way, that they might go to a city of habitation.’ ”

Gilbert gave the book to Esther. “ ‘Oh that men would praise the Lord for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men! For he satisfieth the longing soul, and filleth the hungry soul with goodness.’ ”

Caroline could barely speak. Her servants could read! “How. . . ?”

“You such a good teacher,” Tessie said, “all I did was tell them everything you tell me. You the one who really taught them.”

“She’s right,” Eli said. “You planted the seeds and God been making them grow, even if you ain’t seeing it.”

“You should be a teacher after the war,” Tessie said. “Lot of colored folks gonna need one.”

“You like your surprise, Missy Caroline?” Gilbert asked shyly.

“Yes,” she said through her tears. “It’s the most wonderful gift anyone ever gave me.”

“Oh no, honey,” Tessie said, hugging her. “You’re the one who gave the gift to us.”

Spring 1865

Caroline closed the newspaper and folded it carefully, resisting the urge to crumple it up and toss it into the kitchen fireplace. The paper on which it was printed was of such poor quality that if she didn’t handle it carefully there would be nothing left of it for the others to read. But Tessie, sensitive to her moods, noticed her frustration.

“Guess it ain’t good news you’re reading this morning?”

“No. It’s the worst. The peace negotiations at Fortress Monroe have ended in failure. President Lincoln demanded unconditional surrender, and of course, the Confederates refused. They’re still insisting on ‘the preservation of their institutions’—meaning slavery.”

“Lord have mercy!” Esther said. “Don’t them Rebels know it ain’t doing them no good to fight for slavery if all us slaves starve to death first?”

“The other big news,” Caroline continued, “is that the Confederate Congress is considering a law to conscript slaves.”

“You mean, make them fight in the army? For the South?” Tessie asked in amazement.

“Yes. The paper says that General Lee has been begging for such a law for a long time because he needs men so badly. Thousands of his troops have gone home on furlough and have never come back. He can’t possibly defeat General Grant this spring unless he gets more men.”

Tessie shook her head in amazement. “So they gonna put slaves in uniforms and give them guns? Ain’t they afraid we gonna turn the guns around on them?”

“I guess not. It shows how determined the South is to keep fighting—and how desperate they are.” Caroline remembered how shocked and outraged the South had been when they’d first encountered Negro soldiers who were fighting for the Federals. Now that they’d seen how well the Negroes could fight, they were about to draft them into the Confederate army, too.

“They ain’t gonna take Eli and Gilbert, are they?” Ruby asked.

Caroline shook her head. “They can’t draft anyone without his owner’s consent. And I’ll certainly never give it.”

“Maybe they both be better off in the army,” Esther muttered as she mixed up a skimpy batch of corn bread. “Maybe they finally get a decent meal if they soldiers.”

“No, I don’t think the soldiers are eating any better than we are,” Caroline said. “One entire page of the newspaper was a notice from the Commissary General along with a plea from General Lee, begging people to turn over any extra food supplies they have to the army so they can feed the starving soldiers.”