Can't and Won't: Stories (22 page)

Family Shopping

The plump, pretty younger sister is running out of the store. The thin, older sister is running after her. The pretty younger sister is carrying a bag of cheese twists. She had left the thin older sister behind in the store to pay for them.

“
Give
that to me!” says the older sister. “I’ll wring your
neck
!”

Local Obits

Helen loved long walks, gardening, and her grandchildren.

Richard founded his own business.

Anna later helped on the family farm.

Robert enjoyed his home.

Alfred enjoyed his best friends, which were his two cats.

Henry enjoyed woodworking.

Ed loved life and lived it to the fullest.

John enjoyed fishing and woodworking.

“Tootles” enjoyed puzzles of all kinds, painting items her husband built, and keeping in touch with family and friends via the computer.

Tammy enjoyed reading and bowling. She bowled in the Mixed League at the Barbecue Recreation Lanes.

Margaret enjoyed watching NASCAR, doing crossword puzzles, and spending time with her grandchildren.

Eva was an avid gardener, bird watcher, and also enjoyed reading and writing poetry. She loved entertaining.

Madeleine traveled extensively. She enjoyed painting, ceramics, bridge, golf, any card game, word search puzzles, gardening, coin and stamp collecting, and flower arranging. She loved visiting with friends both at camp and at the family home on Main Street.

Albert was an animal lover.

Jean, a special-ed aide, liked to crochet and knit.

Harold enjoyed hunting, fishing, camping, and time spent with family.

Charlotte was an avid quilter, and also loved picking blueberries on her farm in Taborton.

Alvin was a skilled craftsman and gardener. He was also an avid sportsman, enjoying trout fishing, ice fishing, grouse and deer hunting. He was a member of the Ruffed Grouse Society.

Richard enjoyed his favorite hobbies of fishing and boating, and was a thirty-year member of the Hook Boat Club.

Sven, 80, a builder, was a member of the Free and Accepted Masons, the Nordic Glee Club, and the American Union of Swedish Singers. He liked to travel, hunt, golf, and throw parties. He was most often found in his workshop building something.

Spencer poured his remaining years into milking cows and tilling the land. He always liked the smell of fresh-cut hay on a hot summer day. He loved the animals and seemed like he could live in the barn. He always spoke of the old days when the neighborhood was all farmers and how they would always lend a helping hand. Sons and nephews who worked with him found it hard to keep pace even though they were twenty to thirty years younger. He lived a full life, continuing to do tractor work on the farm even after it was sold.

He also enjoyed watching football in the fall, and always said Joe Montana was the best QB to play the game.

In later years, he liked to visit Stewart’s regularly with his brother Harold and watch the people. He had the gift of gab; with anyone who knew him or even didn’t know him, he would strike up an hour-long conversation.

Helena, 70, liked long walks.

Mrs. Brown was a registered nurse for thirty-two years. She was very fond of the nursing field.

Roxanna was an avid golfer and bowler, and loved crocheting and oil and watercolor painting.

Frederick was the owner of Half Moon Saloon for ten years and was a member of the Elks Lodge, where he served as past exalted ruler for a year.

Benjamin, 91, was a WWII vet and a brick mason.

Jessie, 93, worked at area factories in her younger years. She enjoyed gardening and bowling.

Anne, 51, enjoyed fishing and gardening.

Eleanor worked for Dandy Laundry and Cleaners for twenty-seven years and for local families in a domestic capacity.

Dick was meticulous in the care he gave to his home, yard, and automobiles.

Earlier in her career, Elizabeth, known as “Betty,” spent her free time with soldiers returning from the war—dancing, playing Ping-Pong, and talking. She sang in the church choir and served briefly as church treasurer.

Laura enjoyed playing cards, doing puzzles, and traveling.

Jeffrey enjoyed golfing and working on the family farm.

Stella was known for her love of cats.

Marion, 100, was a homemaker her entire life. She enjoyed playing cards at the Senior Center and going on her many trips to Colorado. She always looked for the good in people.

Nellie, 79, was employed at the former Snow White Laundry. She enjoyed playing bingo, doing jigsaw puzzles, and spending time with family. She is predeceased by a brother, eight sisters, and one boy she helped to raise.

John, 73, died suddenly after being stricken while driving in Grafton. He was an avid hunter who enjoyed farming.

Clyde, 90, served in the Navy during WWII and was a meat cutter by trade. He was a member of the American Legion, the Stephentown Fire Company, the Tamarac Twirlers, the Quadrille Square Dance Club, and the Albany Camera Club.

With regrets, Mary Ellen leaves behind her son James, her sister Theresa, her companion Rich, and her brother Harold. Anyone who knew her, knew her love for Tigger.

Elva, 81, attended the two-room schoolhouse in North Petersburgh.

Evelyn, 87, worked at Montgomery Ward in Menands and was also a waitress at the Crooked Lake Hotel. She enjoyed the horses at Saratoga and loved to sing and dance. Throughout the early part of her life, she often partnered with Billy Nassau at the Cat in the Fiddle Restaurant.

Linda Ann is also survived by her cat, Sable, and her dog, Socks. She will be remembered for her book collection, especially those written by her favorite author, Nora Roberts, and for her gifts to family and friends of pillowcases she embroidered. She will also be remembered for her extensive collection of elephant figurines.

Bernie, 86, was a member of the Derby Club, the Hoosick Falls Fire Department, the Hoosick Falls Rescue Squad, the Kiwanis, the Veterans of Foreign Wars, the Knights of Columbus, the Pioneer Fish and Game Club, and the Hoot ’n Holler Club. He was interested in fishing, hunting, gardening, and beekeeping.

Robert, 83, was predeceased by his wife, Anne, known as “Nancy.” He served in the U.S. Navy as a petty officer, third class, and was honored with a Victory Medal.

Alvin, 88, liked to fish, paint, garden, cook, and watch the Yankees.

Paul, 78, worked on county highways, was a member of the famed Keyser’s Softball Team, and loved to bowl and jitterbug with his sister Babe.

Virginia, 99, was a grandmother and church member.

Robert, 81, was an evening manager at the Grand Union.

Isabel, 95, was a mother and grandmother.

Donald was an inspiration to all.

Jerold, 72, cook and counselor, worked as a mover for many years and loved attending fairs, wandering country roads, “anything Vermont,” and playing Father Christmas.

Francis, 79, Korean War vet and soils expert, retired as drill supervisor. He was an avid sportsman and trivia whiz. He was a member of the American Legion, the Kinderhook Elks Lodge, the Veterans of Foreign Wars, the Tin Can Sailors-National Association of Destroyer Vets, the Men’s Club of Five Towns, the Saints Social Club, and the ROMEOs. His quick wit, easy smile, and legendary handlebar mustache will be sorely missed.

Margaret, 88, church member and Yankees fan, loved traveling with her late husband to engine and tractor shows all over the nation.

Betty, 81, secretary, enjoyed spending time with her grandchildren.

William, 81, had a passion for history and genealogy.

Gordon, 68, an avid hunter, died peacefully at the Firemen’s Home on Monday.

Ronald, 72, former fire chief and retired truck driver, was an avid duck hunter.

Ellen, 87, volunteered at the Amtrak Station Snack Bar.

Joseph, 76, peacefully fell asleep in death in the cool early morning of August 26. He was best known in the community as a master plumber, and until his death was an active member of the Federation of Polish Sportsmen. He loved his wife and family. He loved his thirty-five race horses, but loved one especially, his stallion Bright Cat, who died earlier this year.

Ida, 95, put friends and family first.

John, 74, a veteran, worked for the Thruway Authority.

Ruth, 85, was a passionate animal lover and wildlife observer.

Anne, 62, found joy in felines, especially her friends Daisy, Rigel, Grace, Luci, Celeste, and Smokey.

Ernest, 85, was a merchant marine during WWII, often sailing in enemy waters. He later worked as a welder and repairman, and enjoyed woodworking after his retirement.

Edwin, 94, left one daughter.

Diane, 60, was a beauty school grad and upholsterer.

James, 87, worked for many years as a laurel picker for Engwer Florist Supply of Troy. He loved gardening, canning, wine-making, and putting down a crock of green tomatoes or sauerkraut.

Dolores, 83, a seamstress, had a sense of humor. In her earlier days, she worked at the Kadin Brothers Pocketbook Factory.

Letter to the President of the American Biographical Institute, Inc.

Dear President,

I was pleased to receive your letter informing me that I had been nominated by the Governing Board of Editors as
WOMAN OF THE YEAR
—2006. But at the same time I was puzzled. You say that this award is given to women who have set a “noble” example for their peers, and that your desire is, as you put it, to “uplift” their accomplishments. You then say that in researching my qualifications, you were assisted by a Board of Advisors consisting of 10,000 “influential” people living in seventy-five countries. Yet even after this extensive research, you have made a basic factual mistake and addressed your letter, not to Lydia Davis, which is my name, but to Lydia Danj.

Of course, it may be that you do not have my name wrong but that you are awarding your honor to an actual Lydia Danj. But either mistake would suggest a lack of care on your part. Should I take this to mean that there was no great care taken over the research upon which the award is based, despite the involvement of 10,000 people? This would suggest that I should not place great importance on the honor itself. Furthermore, you invite me to send for tangible proof of this nomination in the form of what you call a “decree,” presented by the American Biographical Institute Board of International Research, measuring 11
×
14 inches, limited and signed. For a plain decree you ask me to pay $195, while a laminated decree will cost me $295.

Again, I am puzzled. I have received awards before, but I was not asked to pay anything for them. The fact that you have mistaken my name and that you are also asking me to pay for my award suggests to me that you are not truly honoring me but rather want me to believe I am being honored so that I will send you either $195 or $295. But now I am further puzzled.

I would assume that any woman who is truly accomplished in the world, whose accomplishments “to date,” as you say, are outstanding and deserve what you call top honors, would be intelligent enough not to be misled by this letter from you. And yet your list must consist of women who have accomplished something, because a woman who had accomplished nothing at all would surely not believe that her accomplishments deserved a “Woman of the Year” award.

Could it be, then, that what your research produces is a list of women who have accomplished enough so that they may believe they do indeed deserve a “Woman of the Year” award and yet are not intelligent or worldly enough to see that for you this is a business and there is no real honor involved? Or are they women who have accomplished something they believe is deserving of honor and are intelligent enough to know, deep down, that you are in this only for profit, yet, at the same time, are willing to part with $195 or $295 to receive this decree, either plain or laminated, perhaps not admitting to themselves that it means nothing?

If your research has identified me as a member of one of these two groups of women—either easily deceived concerning communications from organizations like yours or willing to deceive themselves, which I suppose is worse—then I am sorry and I must wonder what it suggests about me. But on the other hand, since I feel I really do not belong to either of these two groups, perhaps this is simply more evidence that your research has not been good and you were mistaken to include me, whether as Lydia Davis or as Lydia Danj, on your list. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this.

Yours sincerely.

Nancy Brown Will Be in Town

Nancy Brown will be in town. She will be in town to sell her things. Nancy Brown is moving far away. She would like to sell her queen mattress.

Do we want her queen mattress? Do we want her ottoman? Do we want her bath items?

It is time to say goodbye to Nancy Brown.

We have enjoyed her friendship. We have enjoyed her tennis lessons.

Ph.D.

All these years I thought I had a Ph.D.

But I do not have a Ph.D.

Notes and Acknowledgments

The stories in this collection first appeared in the following publications, sometimes in slightly different form:

32 Poems
: “Men”

Bodega
: “Idea for a Sign”

Bomb
: “A Woman, Thirty”

Cambridge Literary Review
: “Revise: 1,” “Revise: 2”

Conjunctions
: “Reversible Story”

dOCUMENTA (13) Notebooks series: “Two Former Students”