Can't Shake You (31 page)

That he did, and for the first time, Carissa realized just how alike Josh and her father really were. Both men were strong-willed, dedicated, and loyal to a fault.

“I suppose you do,” she agreed. “And I hope you’re right.”

“Why don’t we finish up here and then go sit on the porch so you can tell me about this house of yours.”

Carissa smiled. “As long as you tell me about this one. You’ve made some changes.”

“Ain’t no future in the past, sweet pea.”

***

T
he loft above the old barn had been Josh’s secret getaway as a child. When he’d dropped the crystal vase his great-grandmother had passed down to his mother and shattered it into a million pieces, he’d hid up there. When he’d stolen Dan’s dirt bike and buried it in two feet of mud in the back field, he’d hid up there. And when he’d made the decision not to interfere with Carissa and Fletcher, he’d hid up there, too.

It was only natural that he’d climb up there again to wallow in regret and self-pity now that he’d made perhaps the biggest mistake of his life, letting Carissa slip away once again.

He sat at the edge of the hay loft door and hung his legs out, elbows on his knees. The corn fields below waved back and forth in the breeze.
So long. Goodbye. See ya around.

If only it were that easy. He closed his eyes against the sun and wished it would dry up the pain and the guilt. Maybe make him feel like less of a stupid SOB for running off on Carissa like he had, leaving her standing there with tears in her eyes and precious words on her lips.

I love you, Josh.

How long had he wanted to hear her say that? How many nights did he lie under the Afghan stars, wishing they would have had more time together, so that maybe he could have heard her say those sweet words before he left? So when remembering the feel of her body beneath him wasn’t enough, he could close his eyes and hear her voice in his ears.
I love you, I love you, I love you...

He pounded a fist down against the loft floor. “Fuck me!”

“Your mother wouldn’t take kindly to hearing that kind of language.”

Josh jerked around to see his father standing at the top of the loft stairs, one hand tucked in the pocket of his Dockers, the other wrapped around the neck of a bottle of whiskey. Josh turned back to the field. “Good thing she’s not around then.”

Jack chuckled, the wood creaking beneath his weight as he came forward. “That’s true. It’d probably be a good idea not to tell her about this bottle either.”

Josh snorted, as his old man lowered himself down beside him. “Whatever floats your boat, Jack.”

His father sighed, opened the bottle, and took a hearty swig, hissing at the burn, before he passed it over. “So, what brings you up here on a beautiful day like this? If memory serves me correctly, it’s gotta be something pretty bad.”

Josh took a drink, winced, and shook his head. “Like you have a goddamn clue.”

Jack narrowed his eyes. “Let’s see, there was your mother’s vase, your brother’s bike, the day before you left for deployment, the day you came back from deployment...”

“I’m surprised you paid that much attention. Though I suppose, those were all occasions when I’d screwed up, so of course, you’d be right on top of them.” Josh took another pull from the bottle and handed it back to his father.

“Uh-uh,” Jack spoke up, his finger pointed sternly. “Not once have I knocked your military service.”

Josh rolled his eyes. “You sure as hell never supported it.”

“Now, why would you think that?” Jack pulled back and looked at him like he was crazy.

“The day I came home and told you and Mom I’d joined the Corp, you got up from the table and walked out. That pretty much said it all right there.”

Jack shook his head. “You ever seen your old man cry?”

“Yeah, right. Jack Hudson cry?”

“Exactly.” His father brought the bottle to his mouth. “My boy was a Marine. I couldn’t let you see me lose control.”

Josh swiveled his head to the older man. “What?”

“Where do you think I went? After I walked out?”

“To celebrate?”

Jack shook his head. “Quit with the tough guy routine already. It’s not working out so well for you.” He looked back to the field. “I came here. Just like you do. Maybe I was hoping you’d come up here, too. Sit with me awhile, so we could work out this rift between us.”

“There’s nothing to work out. We’re cut from different cloth, that’s all. It’s always been this way between us and I imagine it always will be.”

“Doesn’t have to.”

Josh laughed. “Right. I think it’s a little too late to kiss and make up. You’ve given me grief about damn near every choice I’ve ever made. Made me doubt myself instead of supporting me. I can’t forget that. Good news is I’m long over it.”

Jack looked skeptical. “Is that so?”

“Maybe you’re a miserable bastard, but you’re not going to make me into one.”

His father laughed. “Good God, son, you’re more delusional than I thought.”

“Excuse me?” Josh nearly reared to his feet.

“You honestly think I’ve never supported you?”

“I know you haven’t. In fact, I’m pretty sure you get off on watching me fail.”

“When have you failed?”

Josh stared out at the field and said solemnly, “Every time I’ve been up here.”

“Going off to war wasn’t a failure.”

“I wasn’t up here because of the war.”

Jack said nothing, just picked up the bottle and drank.

“Whenever Dan did something wrong, you sat him down and had it out with him. Whenever I did, you just sat there, just like you are now, not saying a damn word.” Josh snatched the bottle from his father’s hands.

“You’re not like your brother, Josh. Dan’s a smart guy, but he doesn’t think like you do. You need to figure shit out on your own, stew over it a bit, sort it all out, and chew on it some more. What was the point of having it out with you, when you’d do a better job of figuring out the problem yourself? I always thought that over-analytical tendency of yours was punishment enough for whatever you’d done wrong.”

Josh shifted uncomfortably. “That doesn’t explain why you give me such a hard time about contracting. My career is the one thing you’ve never been able to shut up about.”

“That’s because you’ve also had this ridiculous inferiority complex. You worry too much about what other people think of you and you screw yourself over in the process. You’re damn talented, son, and you don’t have to worry about playing second fiddle to anyone.”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“It is, isn’t it? But it’s what you do, most of the time without even realizing it. If I don’t push you to keep reaching higher, you’ll continue to settle for less than you deserve.”

Josh shook his head. “I don’t settle.”

“Of course you don’t. You should really talk to your girlfriend about that.”

“I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“Nope. Because you don’t deserve her, right? You fucked up and now you’re too flawed for someone to care about. The thing is that girl has been in love with you through it all and she’s still around, isn’t she? Boy, you gotta open your eyes and see what’s right in front of your face before it really is too late. She wants you. She loves you. You gotta quit making shit harder than it really is.”

He swallowed. “How do you know about Carissa?”

Jack shrugged. “I’ve see the two of you together enough over the past couple years to know there was something there. Then last weekend when Dan’s friend was here, I finally understood what had crawled up your ass.”

“I should have never gotten involved with her. It was a mistake.”

“There you go again, making it difficult,” his father grumbled. “Why are you so damn insistent on depriving yourself of her? It’s obvious she cares about you.”

Josh flinched. “I’m not proud of how I treated her.”

“Then make it right.”

“I can’t turn back time, Dad. What’s done is done.”

“Would you go back? If you could?”

Josh hesitated. “To not hurt her, yes. To not be with her at all, no way in hell.”

“You think Reed would change anything if he knew how you felt about her?”

“I don’t give a shit what he thinks anymore.”

Jack shook his head and smiled. “Then what’s the problem, son? Why are you doing this to yourself?”

Josh opened his mouth to respond, but realized he didn’t have an answer. He went into his involvement with Carissa not wanting to hurt anyone. But that was before he realized just how deep his feelings for Carissa ran, and before he learned she felt the same. Now loving her and protecting her were the only things he cared about, but he’d done such a piss poor job of showing it. He couldn’t blame her for not coming after him when he’d walked away.

“What are you so afraid of?” Jack continued, reaching out to bump Josh’s arm with a fist. It wasn’t a hug, but it had the same effect.

Josh felt his chest clench, his breath draw short. “I’ve never felt like this before. For the longest time, I couldn’t rationalize it, couldn’t comprehend the enormity of it. I realized this morning it’s not something I’m ever going to understand. And I don’t operate like that.”

Jack thumped his fist to his chest. “But do you understand it here?”

Josh gulped down the lump in his throat. “It’s the only place it makes any sense at all.”

C
arissa spent her holiday Monday packing and, to her surprise, it went better than she’d expected. She attributed her motivation to seeing her father again and bridging the gap that had formed between them. Knowing someone had your back no matter what made it easier to push forward and that, she realized, as she hefted a laundry basket full of books into her car, was exactly what she’d been missing the past few years.

Having Maddie was great, but having her father in her life again was different. Loving Josh and being okay with it, regardless of whether he ever let himself feel the same, well, that was a feeling in a league all its own.

She filled her car to the roof and, though the house wasn’t quite ready for her to make the big move just yet, the bedrooms were finished and getting a few things out of the way at the apartment would make cleaning out the big furniture that much easier.

Coming back with her second carful of the day, she was dead on her feet and took her time getting out of the car. She had just hauled a box of shoes from the backseat when a horn sounded from up the street. Smiling at the sight of Tony’s truck slowing at the end of the driveway, she set the box on the trunk of the car and strode over to him, her flip flops slapping against the gravel.

He greeted her with a smile. “Where’s your ‘for sale’ sign?”

“If I sell it now, I’ll be homeless. I need to figure out what I’m doing before I put it on the market. Though maybe I should list it now, since it’ll probably take some time to sell.”

“Oh, I don’t know. The place looks great. Might sell faster than you think.”

Carissa laughed. “I’d love that, but I’m not counting on it.”

“How much you asking?”

“I’m not sure yet.” She shrugged. “I’ll have to get a realtor in here, I guess.”

Tony nodded. “You could. Or you could sell it on your own. Keep the commission for yourself.”

“If only I knew the first thing about how that all works,” she chuckled, shielding her eyes from the late afternoon sun.

He smiled. “Call me when you’re ready to sell.”

Confused, Carissa frowned. “You want to help me sell it?”

He shook his head. “No, I want to buy it.”

“What?” Her jaw dropped open and she gripped his door for support.

“It’ll probably take me another month or so to get my down payment in order, but yeah, I want it.”

“Why?”

“I grew up here, Car. I want my daughter to grow up here, too.”

Shocked, she fumbled for words. “I don’t know what to say. This is so crazy.”

Tony chuckled. “Yeah, it is. I just signed the new lease for my apartment a few months ago. I wasn’t planning on buying a house so soon. Then again, I wasn’t planning on becoming a dad either.”

Carissa noticed the tension in his expression. “You’re gonna be a great dad, Tony.”

He hesitated, his hands tightening around the steering wheel. “I want Brianna to have the kind of childhood I did. Even if I have to do it on my own.”

“That’s really sweet.”

“Who knew fatherhood would turn me into such a softie, huh?” He chuckled.

Carissa couldn’t help but smile, too. “I’m happy for you.”

He nodded. “So am I.”

“I’ll gladly sell my house to you, Tony. How about
you
let me know when
you’re
ready?”

Tony nodded again, this time eagerly. “I will. Thanks.” Then he grinned. “Amazing how things manage to work out the way they do sometimes, huh?”

“Yes, it is.” Though she wished things had worked out better for her and Josh. She hadn’t given up hope yet, but knowing how stubborn he could be, she wasn’t holding her breath either.

She said goodbye to Tony, feeling the best she ever had about buying the flip. She refused to believe it was mere irony that Tony wanted to buy the house to give his daughter a permanent home and she’d bought it, in a subconscious attempt to reconnect with her father.

She carried the box into the house and made her way to the bedroom when she heard a noise on the front porch.

“Tony?” she called out, thinking maybe he’d come back. She rounded the corner, fully expected to see him standing in the door. “Are you back already?” she asked, laughing.

But the man standing inside the door was definitely not Tony. His eyes were green, rather than brown, and currently they were lit up like flaming neon torches, menacing and demonic.

“Alex.” Carissa stopped dead in her tracks. She glanced to the alarm panel beside the door frame. With her arms full, she’d forgotten to set it.

“Carissa,” he greeted her, with snide smile. “That wouldn’t be Tony Dunn you were just calling for, would it?”

Her body rigid with fear, she nodded and spit out the first lie that came to mind. “Yes. He’s supposed to be dropping by.”