Can't Stop the Shine (15 page)

But she didn't. All she felt was afraid. She was trying to turn that fear into positive anticipation, but she was having a hard time. It helped a great deal that her sister came backstage with her friends, but getting into the finals was really up to her and only her. The pressure was on, and she was literally shaking. One minute she wished her mother had come backstage, and the next she was glad she hadn't. To stop herself from pacing, she went back over to the wall where the performance order was listed. She was eleventh, right behind Asha. At least an intermission separated them.

Why couldn't I have been first? At least it would have been over with,
she thought, walking back to the stage wing to watch the sixth performer, a blond-haired, blue-eyed stacked Jessica Simpson look-alike, who had the audacity to wear a short dress that accentuated her knock-knees. Her voice cracked so much, Kalia knew it had to be nerves because she would have never been able to make it through the auditions unless she had some talent. While Lola Sanchez, the celebrity makeup artist-turned-judge tried to give the knocked-kneed girl some constructive criticism, Carter ripped her apart for everything from her style to her weak performance. The last judge, a pudgy washed-up b-boy from the eighties who still went by Big Spinner, just shook his head and gave her a thumbs down. And the audience just oohed and aahed through the judges' comments.

Kalia watched the girl come off stage to be embraced by her boyfriend and wondered where Malcolm was. They'd been spending so much time together and he'd been so giving and attentive, she just knew he'd show up backstage with roses or something, but he was missing in action when she really needed him. Just like her father, who was probably still at one of his restaurants, she thought, holding onto the curtain in the wings. Her mind was jumping around. She needed to calm down. After watching the blond girl get reamed by Carter, she decided she didn't need to see any more singers.

She walked back toward the dressing room, which was still buzzing, longing for some quiet place to get her mind together. Strolling through the hallways, she remembered her mother bringing her and her sister to see productions like
The Wiz
and
A Raisin in the Sun
when they were children. She'd wanted to be onstage even back then, and now that she was getting her chance, she found herself trying to get as far away from it as possible. Finally at the end of a long corridor, she discovered an empty dressing room and deposited herself there and closed the door. At least there was a monitor in the room, so she'd be able to know when intermission started. She fiddled with the remote, trying to take the TV off mute, but was unsuccessful, so she spent the next three singers' performances dabbing the sweat off her carefully applied makeup, picking imaginary lint off her outfit and trying not to watch the monitor.

Kalia couldn't help but look at Asha's performance. Striking in a white haltered backless fitted jumpsuit with wide-leg pants, white ribbon-strapped stilettos and a huge white flower behind her ear, she strolled out on stage as if she'd sang for crowds of thousands millions of times. There was still no sound, but Kalia could tell by Asha's expressions and the audience's reactions panned by the cameras that Asha was blowing them away. As she moved back and forth, her wavy waist-length hair swung this way and that, giving her what Kalia thought was real star appeal.

Wishing she could tear herself away from the monitor, Kalia stood transfixed as the cameras showed large smiles on the faces of Lola and Big Spinner. Even Carter was looking entertained. Asha bowed at the judges professionally and waved at the standing, applauding and whistling audience as she walked offstage. It was only then that Kalia could move, but it was in a daze. She opened the door and made her way to the dressing room.

Chaos was going on all around her, but she didn't hear much. The fog didn't even lift when Sean brought her mother and her aunt backstage during intermission. She accepted their hugs and well wishes, but she couldn't remember what they said. Her eyes were focused on the large ticker in the front of the dressing room that counted down the minutes and seconds for intermission. When it reached five minutes, she heard her name called by the stage manager. Her mother gave her one last squeeze and she, Sean and her sister rushed off to their seats. Kalia stood in the wings, clasping her hands together tightly. She prayed to the Creator for a good performance as the announcer boomed her name.

Kalia had no idea how she made it to the middle of the stage or from where the cordless microphone came that she was clutching for dear life. As the lights focused on her, she was blinded and couldn't see the audience or the judges to her left, but she knew they were out there. She was at war with herself.
You've performed in at least fifty concerts,
said the confidant Kalia.
But that was just junior high and high school,
said her alter ego.
Oh God, I'm going insane,
thought yet a third Kalia.
Relax and get it together,
a fourth Kalia scolded. Hearing the intro to “Fallin',” she decided she'd better listen to the last Kalia, who seemed to have the best grip on herself.

She held the mic with both hands, bent her head down, took a deep breath and let out the first note. A little fluttery at first, she improved rapidly. She felt the lyrics soar out of her, and by the time she finished, she just knew she'd knocked it out because she heard the audience clapping. When the house lights were brought up, the audience wasn't on their feet as they were at the end of Asha's performance. Kalia held her hand above her head, shielding her eyes from the lights to see if she could find her family in the audience. Still searching, she heard someone calling her name and realized it was Big Spinner.

As she turned to face the judges, she heard several loud claps and “Woo-hoo, Kalia” and knew it was her family and friends, but her mind wasn't eased. Kalia couldn't understand why the audience wasn't giving her a standing ovation, but the judges did.

“Kalia, Kalia, Kalia, such a pretty name for such an uptight performance,” sang Big Spinner. “We thought you were going to choke that mic to death.”

The audience joined Big Spinner and Carter, snickering and laughing.

Lola looked at Kalia pityingly. “Well maybe she was just a little nervous. She wouldn't be the first,” said Lola. If there was one thing Kalia didn't want, it was someone to have to come to her rescue. She stood silently nodding, a plastic tight-lipped smile plastered on her face. She wanted to accept her criticism gracefully, but felt she'd burst into tears any minute—either that or storm across the stage and knock every one of those judges in the head with the mic.

“Were you nervous, sweetie?” asked Lola.

“A little bit,” she managed to get out, gripping the mic so tightly in her left hand that she knew her fingernails were drawing blood in her palm.

“Well, lots of people are, and we could only tell for the first couple of lines. After you got yourself together, you were terrific. You captured the emotions in the song very well,” said Lola.

Kalia was feeling a little better, but she knew that Carter hadn't spoken yet. Big Spinner and Lola were tenderizing her, she thought, and Carter was waiting to swoop in at the end for the kill.

“Yeah, the end was great, like Lola said, but you might want to try some tai chi, some hot tea, something to relax before you perform next time.” Big Spinner chuckled. “What do you think, Carter?”

Carter crossed his arms over his chest, leaned back in his chair and cocked his head to one side, looking intently at Kalia.

“I think the girl's got some talent. You can sing, you can sing,” he said finally. Kalia let out the breath that she'd been holding for at least a minute. “But, I also think that Fire's gonna want someone who is cool under pressure, and you're just not there. That's something you need to work on. No one wants to sign someone who looks like she might run off stage if her mommy's not there to clap for her. Are you feeling me, Kalia?”

He then turned to the audience. “We don't want any scared little girls, do we, folks?”

The long, loud, collective “No,” nearly knocked Kalia back a few feet.

“Oh, I think you're being a little hard on her,” said Lola.

Carter continued staring at Kalia with raised eyebrows. “Well?” he said.

“Thank you for your honesty. I'm sure it will help me in the future,” she said clearly, praying they didn't hear the attitude in her voice.

“I hope so. Thank you very much. Good luck and God bless,” Carter said, waving her off.

As she walked off the stage, waving and fake-smiling at the audience, she heard Big Spinner saying, “If she'd just moved around a little bit. I mean I thought she'd caught her heel in a rut or something. She didn't move an inch.”

Lola replied, “Oh, everybody has a little bit of stage fright sometimes.”

“Frightened singers don't get signed,” dismissed Carter. “All right, who's next? I can't hang out here all night. Let's get a real powerhouse out here. Isn't someone going to give that Asha some competition?”

Backstage, people were patting Kalia on her shoulder and telling her “It's okay,” and “Good job,” as she passed through what felt like a gauntlet of pity. Nodding left and right, she kept her strained smile and walked straight to the dressing room. Others continued to come by and congratulate her on how well she took Big Spinner's jabs and Carter's critique.

She was wiping off her makeup in the mirror when she saw Mari come in the dressing room behind her. Their eyes met, and Kalia thought she would cry—until she saw Sean and Malcolm with her. All of the sudden her sockets were dry. For some reason, she didn't want Malcolm to see her come undone.

“Hey, babe. You did great,” he said, walking up to her and kissing her on the back of the neck.

“How would you know? You just got here five minutes ago,” said Mari.

Kalia still hadn't turned around. She looked in the mirror from Mari to Malcolm, more hurt registering on her face.

“I saw almost all of it,” said Malcolm, glaring at Mari in the mirror.

“You didn't sit down until Carter was doing his thing,” said Mari. Seeing Kalia's face, she added, “Sorry, K. I didn't mean to bring that up. I thought you did great.”

“Yeah. You were really good,” said Sean. “I'm sure hardly anybody noticed that you didn't move around too much.”

“Shut up, man,” said Mari, reaching up to slap Sean in the back of the head.

Then it was quiet in their little corner, everyone realizing that Kalia hadn't said a word.

“What's up, K?” said Mari, pushing Malcolm out of the way to hug her sister from behind. “You did good. For real. You know I wouldn't tell you so if I didn't really mean it.”

Kalia spun around, almost knocking her sister over. “Well, why is everybody trying so hard to convince me then?” she asked, looking from Mari to Sean and finally to Malcolm.

“Look, so you had a little case of the nerves, baby? That happens to everybody,” said Malcolm, taking her hand.

She snatched it back. “How would you know? You weren't even here to see me sing.”

“I said I saw the whole thing. I was standing in the back while you sang,” Malcolm swore.

Kalia just looked at him.

“I mean I may have missed like the first verse or something,” he said, turning his back on her and looking around the dressing room. “See, I had this big meeting with this guy who said he could hook me up with a deal. We were in the studio, just making these beats, right, and…”

Malcolm stopped talking when he saw tears well up in Kalia's eyes.

“You knew how important this was to me,” she said, standing up, “and you promised you'd be here.”

“You don't understand, K,” said Malcolm. “You don't know who this guy is. He's really connected.”

“So what?” said Mari, coming to her sister's aid. “You should have been here.”

Malcolm tried to explain. “Kalia, you'll understand when you're good enough to get your deal. People will just start hooking you up with other people and—”

“He is kinda right,” Sean agreed. “When you tighten your skills up, the right people just kind of appear, especially if you've got your vocals, your performance and all that.”

“Shut up, both of you. Just shut up,” shouted Mari. “This isn't helping Kalia. Can't you see she's upset?”

“So neither one of you thinks I'm ready?” Kalia asked Sean and Malcolm. “You don't think I can win, do you?”

“Truth?” asked Sean.

Kalia nodded.

“Well, one day, but not right now,” he said. “You had stage fright pretty bad, and that's something most performers have worked out at this stage.”

Kalia looked at Malcolm.

“Baby, I don't know what to say,” he said, looking into her eyes.

“I do,” said Mari. “Get out. Just leave. Both of you.”

She pushed them both in their chests. Tiny as she was, neither moved an inch. Kalia just turned and sat down in the chair and looked back in the mirror. Sean mumbled an apology and walked toward the exit. Malcolm put his hand on Kalia's shoulder, but she shrugged it off, looking away. He looked to Mari, who pursed her lips and shook her head. Looking around like he was lost, Malcolm gave up and walked out of the dressing room, too.