Caper (14 page)

“What would you do, Richard?”

“I'd get a retainer before I did anything. This looks like it could get messy.”

“I mean if you were in my position.”

“I wouldn't be in your position. You got yourself in the soup by working on a case after you'd been effectively fired.”

“I wasn't fired.”

“I said
effectively
fired. After the per diem ran out. You were working on a case for nothing for the benefit of no one. Basically, a high-risk, low-reward situation. Not surprisingly, you find yourself in a moral and ethical dilemma, teetering on the brink of disaster, with no hope of financial gain.” Richard shuddered. “It creeps me out just to think about it.”

“Fine, Richard. What should I do?”

“Check with Janet. She's got some cases you could work on.”

“I don't mean for you. I mean for me.”

“That's a rather selfish attitude. After all, I'm the one paying you.”

“I get the point. I need the money. I'll do the work. Now. The dead congressman case. Legally, how am I obligated?”

“Are you kidding? You left the scene of a crime. Legally, you have to go to the cops and turn yourself in.”

“Yeah, yeah. We've been over that. Legally, how am I obligated to this poor schmuck who's taking the rap?”

“If he were my client, you'd be obligated to come forward. Since he isn't, there's some wiggle room.”

“For what?”

“I don't know. It's just nice that there is. The doorman is definitely perjuring himself, is that right?”

“It would appear so.”

“I don't see that there's any question. You can't talk to a dead man, can you?”

“There's a small possibility he was actually on the phone with the killer, and didn't recognize it wasn't the congressman's voice. But I don't think it's likely.”

“Neither do I. So, the doorman's vulnerable. Any attorney worth his salt ought to be able to rip him apart on cross-examination.”

“Could you?”

“I thought that was implied.”

“Suppose this guy's attorney's any good?”

“Probably an even chance. Maybe better, if the guy's got a little money. He'll probably have a fair shot at the doorman.”

“He'd do better if he knew the facts.”

“Don't.”

“What?”

“Don't have a creeping attack of conscience. Don't talk to this attorney. Don't give him an anonymous tip. Stay as far away from him as you can.”

“I ought to talk to his client.”

Richard groaned. “This is why I tell you nothing short of murder. You're the world's worst client. You practically deliver yourself to the police in handcuffs, apologizing for having inconvenienced them.”

“Suppose this guy's found guilty, gets put in jail for life?”

“Considering the intelligence of the average juror, and the skill of the average ADA, I'd say that was highly unlikely.”

“Suppose he got convicted of anything? How could I live with myself?”

“I don't know how you live with yourself now.”

“I'd have to do something.”

“You haven't thought this through, have you? There's ten times more evidence against you than there is against this contractor schmuck.”

Richard shook his head. “You'll wind up on a murder charge even
I
can't get you off.”

29

A
LICE WAS MORE SYMPATHETIC.
D
EVASTATINGLY SO.

“I know just how you feel,” she said.

“You do?”

“Of course, I do. You feel like you should save this guy at all costs.”

“You don't think I should?”

“Not at all costs.”

“Where do you draw the line?”

“Don't be dumb. The point is, you're not talking absolutes. You want to save him, yes, but at what cost to yourself?”

“That's stupid.”

“Oh?”

“You can't look at it that way. It's absolutely heartless.”

“Suppose you could save him by sacrificing me. Would you do it?”

“That's absurd.”

“Not at all. You were talking absolutes. If you're taking absolutes, I get to concoct any contradictory premise. It's only fair.”

“Fair to whom? Let's get back to reality. Whether I save Leslie Hanson will have no effect on you whatsoever.”

“I won't care if you go to jail? You make me sound absolutely heartless.”

“This isn't
about
you.”

“I see that. Clearly you're not thinking of me at all.”

“Do you
want
me to send a man to jail?”

“Oh, I'm sure you won't do that.”

“Then I have to come forward.” I acknowledged her ironically. “Which you have pointed out would be a totally selfish act.”

“Oh, well, twist my words if it makes you feel any better. Go ahead and sacrifice yourself for this lout. He is a lout, isn't he? At least he's not a model citizen. He was bribing the congressman for political favors.”

“So he should go to jail for murder?”

“No,
you
should. Because the guy came to bribe a congressman and was unlucky enough to be a victim of circumstance, you should sacrifice yourself to save him.”

“The guy wasn't unlucky. I called the cops on him.”

“You call that lucky? And you didn't call the cops on him. You just called them.”

“It doesn't matter how you spin this, Alice. The point is, I put the guy's neck in the noose, and I have the power to save him.”

“My hero! May I touch you?”

“Wish you would.”

“Hey! What happened to saving the planet?”

“It can wait.”

“Stanley! Pay attention! Concentrate! We've got to get you out of this predicament.”

“Now I'm in a predicament?”

“Didn't you say you were?”

“Yes, but you wouldn't acknowledge it. According to you, I should let the guy fry.”

“Bad paraphrase. If you're going to misquote me, at least keep the gist of what I said.”

“Okay.
You
tell
me
what you meant.”

“I meant what I said. If you alibi this guy, you're slitting your throat. Only a moron would do it.”

“So I should let him fry. Which you just bawled me out for saying a minute ago. And here you are advocating it.”

“I'm
not
advocating it. I said you were twisting my words. You were twisting them then, and you're twisting them now. I don't see how we can have a decent conversation if you keep telling me what I said when it isn't what I said.”

“Fine,” I said in exasperation. “Would you please explain to me how
don't save him
is not the same as
let him fry
?”

“I didn't say that, either. Good Lord, you're bad at this. I didn't say don't
save
him. I said don't
alibi
him. Don't go to the police. Don't go to his lawyer. Don't go to him. Any of those moves is suicide. Don't throw yourself under a bus to save him. That's all I was saying.”

“How can I save him if I don't?”

Alice smiled, spread her arms. “Finally! Through the Socratic method, a breakthrough. A moment of clarity. A revelation. I can't believe how long it took me to get you to ask that question.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Oh. Never mind. Cancel that revelation. Tell me, are you losing brain cells, or were you this stupid when I married you?”

“Each body I find lowers my IQ geometrically. Give me another chance.
How can I save the guy without throwing myself under a bus
was right. Now, I'm stupid for not saying, Oh! That's the answer. I have to figure out a way to save him
without
giving him an alibi.”

I smiled at Alice. “How's that?”

Alice gave me her best deadpan. “I'll call Mensa.”

30

H
E WAS ON DUTY.
I
COULD SEE HIM FROM DOWN THE BLOCK,
resplendent in his uniform. He looked, if anything, slightly better groomed, just in case some TV reporter might want an interview. I wondered if he'd actually filmed any. I hadn't watched the local news at eleven. Alice and I prefer to get our news from Jon Stewart.

Anyway, there he was, the eyewitness who cooked Leslie Hanson's goose. The eyewitness who could cook mine. The man I couldn't see.

I walked up to him and said, “Hi.”

He recognized me, even without the flowers.

“Hey, it's the stud. Back again.”

I smiled. “You know how it is.”

I'm not sure he did. But he wanted to
appear
like he did. The man actually winked.

“Is Mrs. Finnegan in?” I asked him.

“Yes, she is. You want me to ring her?”

“No, I don't.”

He frowned. “Huh?”

I leaned in confidentially. “It would be awkward. She doesn't know my name.”

“Oh. I see.” The conspiratorial smile got wickeder. “I could say the flower delivery man.”

“I don't have any flowers.”

“But you're the flower delivery man.”

“I don't think that's how she'll remember me.”

“But she must know you bought flowers.”

“It would be awkward.”

“You don't want to go up?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Then I have to ring and tell her.”

“Trust me, she won't complain.”

“So you say. You're not the one taking the risk. If I get in trouble, it's no skin off your nose.”

I put up my hands. “Okay. When you're right, you're right. I see what you're saying. You're taking a risk for no reward.” I took out a twenty-dollar bill. “Have a drink on me, I swear it will be all right.”

He eyed the money covetously, but he made no move to take it, and an edge crept into his voice. “You don't understand. There was a murder. A couple of days ago. I think it was the day you were here. You probably heard about it. Congressman got killed in his apartment.”

“Oh, yeah. They got the guy who did it, right? That was here?”

“Sure was. I spent the whole day talking to the cops and the landlord and the union rep. Not the time to be breaking rules.”

“I guess not.” My eyes widened. “Did you see the guy who did it?”

“Sure, I did. That's why I had to talk to the cops. I had to pick him out of a lineup and everything.”

“A lineup?”

“Yeah.”

“Was that hard?”

“Piece of cake. I got a good memory for faces. Just like I remembered you. I saw him go in. I knew who he was.”

“He'd been there before?”

“Sure.”

“Wow,” I said. “This is like a
Law & Order
episode.”

“Yeah,” he said. “I was thinking that.”

“Were you here when the cops came?”

“Sure was. Cops came, said someone called in a disturbance. First thing I heard about it. They didn't have the name, but they had the apartment number.”

“They call up and ask?”

“They told me not to. Said they'd go up and see. First thing I know, more cops come, and an ambulance, and the medics, just like on TV.”

“They arrested the guy right in the apartment.”

“Yeah. Dumb schmuck didn't have the sense to leave.”

“You were there when they brought him out?”

“Sure. Marched him out in handcuffs. Right through the lobby. The body, too. Brought it out on a gurney. Couldn't see it, it was under a sheet. They wheeled it right through the lobby into the ambulance.”

“And then the cops questioned you?”

“Not right away. They had to do all that crime scene stuff. When they got around to me, boy, they were thorough. Dragged me down to the station. Union had to call someone in to take my shift.”

“You get paid for your time?”

“Damn right, I did. One thing the union's good for. Something like that, beyond your control, you don't lose out. You get paid, the relief does, too.”

“What about the landlord?”

“What about him? I bet he files an insurance claim, gets it all back. Insurance company's the only one takes a hit.”

“Uh-huh. So, you can't let anyone go upstairs without ringing anymore.”

He frowned. “What do you mean,
anymore
? I
never
do that.”

“Oh. I thought—”

“You thought what?”

“Well, you said you couldn't do it for me because of this thing that happened. This guy getting killed. So, I thought if he
hadn't
gotten killed, it might be cool.”

“Well, you can see it
isn't
cool. So, there's nothing I can do. If you wanna go up, I gotta ring. You wanna go up?”

I shook my head. “I imagine Mrs. Finnegan's had enough excitement for one week.”

31

T
HE OTHER THING
I
COULDN
'
T DO WAS TALK WITH
L
ESLIE
Hanson's lawyer. I figured that meant in person. Luckily, Alexander Graham Bell came up with a wonderful invention.

“Hello?”

“Hello. Is this Mr. Englehart?”

“Yes. Who is this?”

“Are you the attorney for Leslie Hanson?”

“Yes, I am. With whom am I speaking?”

“I may have some information that will be of use to your client.”

“Really? Why don't you come in and tell me about it?”

“I'd rather talk on the phone.”

“All right. With whom am I speaking?”

“You're speaking with someone who has information that may help your client.”

“Anonymous tips are worthless.”

“Really? The way I hear it, that's how your client got busted.”

“Who told you that?”

“You know your problem as a lawyer? You're too concerned with
who
, and not enough concerned with
what
. The origin of the information isn't
nearly
as important as the information itself.”