Careful What You Wish For (10 page)

Ruth could see immediately that the things they were choosing were all wrong. Nice things, but not her style. They were trying to make her look like them!

But she took the first pile of clothes and disappeared behind the curtain.
Relax
, she told herself. Her friends were helping her choose her new wardrobe, that was all. Maybe she did need to loosen up a bit with what she thought was right for her.

Ruth looked at herself in the mirror and tried to get the glum expression off her face.

The first outfit she tried on was a long black T-shirt dress with a red belt. The other girls insisted that it go with shiny, flecked tights that Ruth didn’t much like, but she hardly dared to say so because when she came out of the dressing-room they were all so admiring. Bonnie brought over a little pink jacket, to go over the top, and Lou started pinning Ruth’s hair back with some iridescent clips she’d found. Bonnie ran back for a different pair of shoes.

‘You like it?’ Katy wanted to know.

‘I guess so,’ Ruth said uncomfortably. She looked fashionable, she supposed, and that was the point …
wasn’t it?
The trouble was that she could hear Mary Ellen’s voice in her head. She tried to push it away, but it kept butting in.
You have a natural inclination towards an interesting arty look, so go with that, Ruthie
.
You have taste, so use it
.

‘It’s great,’ Lou declared. ‘You’re so lucky to be tall. You look at least fifteen!’

And so it went on. By the time Ruth was onto her tenth outfit the changing cubicle was beginning to feel like a prison, cramped and claustrophobic and hot. She hated seeing all sides of herself under such harsh light. Her thighs were too white and her undies were worn and grubby. Her face stared back at her, so serious and dour.
I’m ugly
, she thought.
I’m too skinny and my ears are too big
. ‘Thanks, but I’ve tried on enough,’ she shouted when Katy pushed yet more clothes through to her.

‘Please, I don’t want to do this anymore.’

The excited chatter subsided into a sudden hushed silence.

‘Are you okay in there?’ Lou’s voice was sharp.

‘Yeah.’ But Ruth didn’t feel okay at all. She felt as if she might be going to be sick. ‘But I think I might have drunk too much Coke or something,’ she mumbled feebly.

‘One last top!’ Bonnie pleaded. ‘You gotta try this!’

A weird kind of anger surfaced inside Ruth and before she could caution herself the words jumped from her mouth.

‘No!’ she snapped. ‘I’ve had enough.’

‘Oh, come on, you’ll love it.’

‘No!’

‘But why?’

‘I’ve had enough!’ Ruth shouted.

Trembling slightly, she climbed back into her own clothes and opened the door. The four of them were standing there waiting. They stared at her in unforgiving silence.

‘What is
up
?’

‘Nothing.’ Ruth was wretched with confusion.

Lou rolled her eyes and sighed. ‘We’re only trying to help!’

‘I know.’

‘You have all this money and vouchers and – ’

‘I know!’ Ruth hardly dared speak. ‘But I …’

‘Do you want to shop on your own?’

‘No.’

‘We thought you
wanted
to do this!’

‘We thought it would be fun!’ Bonnie wailed.

‘I know …’ ‘Do you want to do this with your
mother
?’ Lou asked.

‘No!’

‘So what’s the problem?’ she demanded.

‘No problem.’

The clothes were wrapped and bagged in heavy silence. Ruth picked up her bags and followed the others out of the shop. None of them looked at her. Something had gone badly awry and it was her fault. No one spoke as they all made their way out through the busy shopping centre. Panic began to gnaw away in her chest. Had she wrecked it all? Undone all the good stuff? She knew the rules. Of course she did. Rule number one was that she must
join in
even when it was something she didn’t like. And rule number two was that Lou decided what was cool and what wasn’t.
Why couldn’t she learn? Why did she always stuff things up?

Lou was walking on ahead in a huff, eyes forward, shoulders back and head held high. Katy, Susie and Bonnie tried to keep up with her on either side and Ruth was left trundling along behind, carrying all her bags. She could see that the other girls were waiting for Lou to give them a clue about what would happen next. Were they to stay mad with Ruth or not? But Lou continued the haughty silence and gave nothing away.

At last they were outside in the fresh air again.

‘Why do you talk to that weirdo?’ Bonnie suddenly asked Ruth.

The question caught Ruth off guard. In spite of the hot day a shiver of cold slid down her spine. She knew who Bonnie meant, but more importantly she knew why she was being asked the question. Bringing up Howard was Bonnie’s way of making things worse. Making sure Ruth stayed on the outer would give Bonnie the best chance of sliding back into the position of Lou’s
best friend
.

‘What weirdo?’ Ruth asked, to give herself time.

‘Howard Pope?’ Bonnie replied sharply.

They were all waiting for Ruth to speak. She knew in her bones she was meant to say something mean about Howard and deny their tentative friendship. Of course they’d noticed when she hadn’t bothered to find them all at lunchtime and instead had hung out with Howard under his tree. The place he always went to at break times.
The weirdo!
This was her chance to get herself off the hook and back into their good books. But something in her couldn’t say it.

She was filled with a fleeting but strong memory of standing with Howard under that tree away from all the other kids. She could almost see his coarse hair and the bright sunlight flickering into his clear eyes. Only the week before she’d noticed fresh bruises on his bare legs and had wanted to ask how they got there, but it had seemed too personal.

‘What exactly is up with you two?’ Bonnie said, feigning concern.

‘What do you mean?’

‘Well, you
talk
to him.’

Ruth was suddenly desperate. She felt like she was drowning, struggling to get to the surface to breathe. What had possessed her mother to organise this terrible afternoon? Why not chuck the bags and make a run for it? Anything to get away!

‘We’ve seen you near the water taps,’ Katy giggled.

‘And the tree.’ Bonnie flashed a glance at Lou to see how she was taking this turn in the conversation. ‘It looked like you were discussing something
really
important,’ she added in her sweet, innocent voice. ‘Do you
like
him or something?’

‘Why do you even bother to talk to him?’ Lou asked.

They’d stopped at the lights, waiting to cross the main road. Heavy traffic thundered past only a metre away. Ruth found herself wondering what it would be like to just step out into it and see what happened. She shuddered, imagining the screeching brakes and burnt rubber, the mayhem, the chaos and the drama of the ambulance ride to hospital. At least she’d be away from this.

‘Since when is it wrong to talk to someone?’ she snapped.

They all stiffened. Nobody
but nobody
ever spoke to Lou like that!

‘He stole my things, Ruth,’ Lou said. ‘Did he ever say
why
?’

Ruth almost wilted under that cool, appraising stare, but then the same picture of Howard standing under the tree slid behind her eyes and it seemed to hold her together.

‘No,’ she said calmly, hoping none of them could see how tense she was.

‘Did you ever ask?’

‘No.’

‘Why not?’ Bonnie cut in excitedly.

‘I just didn’t.’

‘But Lou is your
best
friend!’

‘Why don’t you shut up, Bonnie,’ Ruth said furiously.

‘
What?
’ Bonnie’s face turned bright pink.

‘You heard me. Just
shut up
!’ Ruth repeated loudly. ‘You’re so
boring
.’ She turned back to Lou, who was staring at her. ‘At least Howard isn’t boring!’ Bonnie burst into a sudden flood of loud, dramatic tears.

All part of the strategy
, Ruth thought, watching her coldly,
she knows exactly what she’s doing
.

Katy and Susie moved in protectively on either side of Bonnie. All three of them stared accusingly at Ruth as though she’d turned into some kind of monster. But Lou didn’t move.

‘What’s
with
you?’ she said.

Ruth said nothing. Bonnie’s sniffs and sobs filled the silence.

‘So it’s okay to hurt people?’ Lou said, her eyes boring into Ruth’s.

Ruth felt something almost like laughter rising in her chest.
As if you care about hurting people
, she thought.

‘We’re all here
helping
you.’ Lou’s tone was savage now.

‘
You
think she’s boring too!’ Ruth said recklessly, and then immediately regretted it.

But the damage was done. A gasp of horror went through the whole group. Bonnie looked up from where she was hiding her wet face in her hands and glanced at Lou, who coloured up with embarrassment because it was true. Lou’s eyes flicked away to the side for a moment.

‘Liar.’

‘No, Lou,’ Ruth came back hotly before she could think, ‘you’re the liar. You don’t even
like
her. You just need a crowd around you and … she does what you say.’

Lou’s mouth fell open. The air prickled with tension.

Katy and Susie exchanged nervous looks.

Lou finally took things in hand. ‘Come on,’ she said, turning on her heel. ‘Let’s go.’

Ruth watched as they marched off after Lou.

She wanted to run after them and apologise, say it was all a misunderstanding, that of course she was grateful for their help with the shopping. But she didn’t move. She stood as still as a post, hanging onto her bags. Lou turned when they reached the corner.

‘Have an
interesting
life with your freaky boyfriend, loser!’

9

‘W
e’re here!’ Howard pointed at the sign. ‘Will I go and look under it?’

‘Sure.’ Ruth was touched that Howard would bother. ‘I’ll walk over to the other side.’

The bridge was just up ahead of the sign. Howard quickened his pace and Ruth followed along behind, trying to shake of the memory of the shopping day. The sun had come out and the faint breeze was making the leaves on the trees shudder and rustle in a way that was both friendly and encouraging.

Ruth walked out into the middle of the bridge, rested her elbows on the railings and looked down at the brown water swirling below. Of course, there was no sign of Rodney. But she hadn’t expected there would be.
So why had she come?
She picked up a few little sticks and tossed them one by one over the edge, watching them spin down to the water.

‘Howard,’ she called and there was a faint, muffled reply but she couldn’t see him. Ruth scrambled down the embankment and poked about under the bridge itself, searching among the tussocks, old beer cans and faded chip packets. The remnants of a fire were scattered about, along with a woman’s sneaker and an old newspaper. It was too faded to see the date. Ruth tried to imagine who might have last been down there. She went in deeper, right under the bridge, and shouted.

‘Howard,’ she called. ‘Hello! It’s cold down here.’ But this time there was only her voice echoing back like an eerie dream. Ruth closed her eyes tightly, reliving the moment when her brother threw Rodney off the bridge. Maybe if she concentrated really hard, Rodney, wherever he was, would receive her message and send one back telling her that he was okay. That was all she needed to know really.

But nothing happened. Same as when she had gone to visit Mary Ellen’s grave with flowers. Nothing had happened. When someone was gone they were gone, and when they were dead they were dead. A car passed overhead. Ruth opened her eyes and walked back out into the sunshine.

There was Howard wandering around on the other side of the river, a long stick in one hand, ferociously beating the nearby bushes as though they had wronged him in some serious way. Ruth was about to yell for him to calm down and stop bashing everything when he stopped under a big gum tree and stood very still with his head thrown back. Something had caught his attention. He stood there for ages, looking up into the branches of the tree as though under a spell.

Amused, Ruth waited for him to come out of his reverie.
What was he thinking about?

At last he lowered his head and turned around.

‘Found anything?’ Ruth called.

Her presence seemed to startle him. He must have been so engrossed in his own thoughts that he’d forgotten all about her.

‘Not yet.’ He threw the stick into the water and wandered towards her.

‘You still think we’ll find him?’ Ruth asked.

‘Yeah, of course,’ Howard said.

They settled down easily together on the bank near a tree and ate some of the biscuits and cheese that Ruth had brought.