Carnal Christmas-epub (10 page)

A few minutes later, Dr. Sands returned. “All right, Joe, here’s the deal—I can feel a large, pulsating mass in your upper abdomen, and with your history, I’m not taking any chances. We’re going to do a quick ultrasound for confirmation and then wheel you directly into surgery. Fortunately our staff vascular surgeon happens to be in house today—I’ve already talked to him, and we’ve got an OR ready and a surgical team scrubbing in. The blood bank is preparing for a transfusion, just in case you need it. Now, do you have any questions for me?”

Joe could only shake his head numbly.

“How dangerous is this?” AJ asked with a tremor in her voice. “Will he be okay?”

“He should be fine once we get him scanned and into the OR, but it’s a good thing you brought him in or he might not have been.”

When the nurse rolled in a portable ultrasound machine, the doctor squirted some warm gel all over his belly and started rolling a wand over it. “There it is.” He clicked a few buttons and then said, “The estimate is 5.8 centimeters, which means you just won an express ticket to our state-of-the-art OR.”

Joe broke into a cold sweat and struggled to sit up. “I’m going to puke.” Before anyone could react, he’d vomited all over the side of the bed. Then he fell back against the pillow, feeling lightheaded, his heart racing.

Through the ringing in his ears, he heard the doctor say, “Shit, he’s crashing—let’s move, people!”

“Oh God, what’s happening?” AJ cried.

As the doctor barked out orders, Joe felt movement and pried open his eyes just enough to see the fluorescent lights speeding by overhead. Then he was in a freezing cold room and people in surgical masks were talking to him as they picked him up by his sheet and slid him onto another bed, but he couldn’t understand what they were saying. He felt warmth on his legs and feet. Cold swabbing his belly. Something pinching his hand. Tingling in his other arm.

And then he was lighter, floating away and leaving all the voices behind.

“Hey, Dad.”

Startled, Joe opened his eyes and looked around, totally confused. He was sitting in one of the folding chairs on his back deck, and it was sunny and hot—he could see field of corn at the edge of the yard, at least five feet tall, which meant it was probably June or July. Not Christmas.

Jesus, had all of it been a dream? How in the hell…?

“Yo, Dad!”

Joe looked over and his eyes bugged. “Travis?”

His long-dead son sat in the chair next to him, blue eyes smiling and brown hair ruffling in the breeze. He wore a tee shirt and jeans a lot like the ones he’d had the morning he left for school and never made it home. “Hey.”

“Did I just die?”

Travis’s expression went serious. “Are you ready to die?”

Thrown by his question but unable to tear his gaze away from that beloved face, Joe said, “Is anybody ever ready?”

Travis surely hadn’t been, but Joe had believed
he
was when he found his son’s body in the wreckage of his pickup truck after he heard the collision. He’d wanted it to be him instead of Travis, and if he couldn’t have that, then he’d wanted to go with him.

“The accident wasn’t your fault, you know. You were a great father—the best—and you will be again.”

Dazed, Joe shook his head trying to clear it. “How did you... Wait, what do you mean, the accident wasn’t my fault?”

“I mean you only rolled that stop sign when it was safe, and normally I did, too.” Travis’s lips curved in a rueful smile. “I’m almost embarrassed to tell you this, but I was stoked because I had a date with Brandi Atwater that night and all I could think about was how to get to second base. I didn’t even see the stop sign, or the semi that hit me. One minute I was flying down the road, listening to Toby Keith and imagining Brandi without her bra, and the next I was…”

His smile faded. “I saw you holding me. Heard you crying and telling me you loved me. I said it back, but you couldn’t hear me.”

Joe’s throat was so tight he couldn’t speak. No parent should have to outlive their child. He wouldn’t wish that kind of pain on another living soul. And he wasn’t sure he could go through it again. “I knew, son.”

“I’m sorry I caused you so much pain, Dad,” Travis said. “Sorry I wasn’t paying attention. But you can learn from my mistake. You can slow down and notice the signs. Pay attention to what’s right in front of you. The people right in front of you.”

Did he mean Ariel? Brent? “I am. I do.”

Travis shook his head. “Not the way you need to. You can’t spend the rest of your life keeping your heart closed because something bad might happen. Not if you want the baby to know it’s loved the way I knew I was. And don’t worry, I’ll do better this time too, I’ll be more responsible.”

Joe was so intent on what Travis was trying to tell him, it took a moment for the words to sink in. “
This
time?”

Travis sent him a sheepish grin. “Oops. I, uh, kinda wasn’t supposed to mention that. But I’m getting away with a lot today because it’s Christmas Eve and you were such a great dad—plus you’re pretty hardheaded—so I get to be the Ghost of Christmas Past
and
the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come. I’ve got an appointment with an obstetrician down the hall in about five minutes.”

“Obstetrician!” Joe looked around. “Down what hall? And I’m not hardheaded.”

“Dude, please. Concrete only dreams of being as hard as your head.”

“Hey, now—”

“I’m serious, Dad. Do you know how few people are given opportunities like this? Usually once you die, it’s game over—no replays, no Monday morning quarterbacking, and no feeding cheats to the players left on the field. You just move on, suit up for the next game, and hope you do better your next time out. I’m only getting to talk to you because the higher-ups know you need special handling.”

“I don’t even…” Joe shook his head. “I think you’re mixing your metaphors.”

“Dad, keep up. Focus,” Travis ordered. “Listen to me now and repeat this until you believe it, because nothing I say to you today or any other day will be more important: Everything happens for a reason.
Everything.
If you can accept that, learn to see it and work with it instead of running away from it, you’ll have a life worth living no matter what happens.”

Anxiety tried to get a grip on him again. “You really believe that?”

“I know it. Trust me, I’ve spent some quality time watching from the bleachers since I got ejected from the game and it’s been eye-opening. I’ve seen all kinds of patterns and rhythms that just looked like chaos from down on the field. Or from the sideline,” he added with a pointed look.

Joe frowned at the implication.

“For instance, this home you’ve built with Brent and Ariel…” Travis swept his arm out. “You should see all the things that had to come together for you three—well, the five of you, really—to become the poly family you’re meant to be.”

“Oh hell, you know about that?”

Travis laughed. “Don’t worry, I won’t remember any of this. Besides, this is who you are and I think it’s great. It takes a village, right?

“But here’s the thing, Dad…” He leaned forward, his gaze intent. “You wouldn’t be in this place now, right on the cusp of something amazing, if I hadn’t died and Mom hadn’t divorced you. If Ariel hadn’t lost all her babies and her husband hadn’t left her. If Brent’s mom hadn’t married and had a kid with every guy she met. If Hake hadn’t driven his four-wheeler like a bat out of hell and had an epic end-over-end crash. All these things happened for a reason, and if any one of them
hadn’t
happened…? The whole design would have been wrecked.”

Chills rose on Joe’s skin.
The whole design would have been wrecked…

“Now you’re finally starting to get it.” Travis leaned forward with a conspiratorial smile. “And I’ll tell you one last secret—sometimes, if they’re really listening, players can hear when spectators are yelling at them from the stands.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Hell yeah! Why do you think you made it to the hospital in time?”

He looked so pleased with himself, Joe laughed out loud.

“I knew you’d enjoy that,” Travis said, slapping him on the back. “Now, I’d love to stay and talk longer but it’s time for me to get back in and apply what I’ve learned to my own life—which is why the obstetrician.”

“Wait, you...” Joe couldn’t believe he was saying this. “You’re being
reincarnated
? That’s really a thing?”

“It’s totally a thing.”

Hope seized him. “Mandy…?”

Travis smiled, shaking his head. “Nope. You won’t be my father this time around, but you will be in my life. That’s the way it works. We’re still on the same team—we just play different positions.”

Even more dazed, Joe said, “I don’t remember you being this big on football analogies.”

“Sorry,” Travis said, not sounding it in the least. “Should I switch to sewing or something? Tell you how life’s like a tapestry and the design can only be seen from above and the underside looks like a bunch of—”

“That’s okay, I think you’ve made your point. But Travis…you said I’ll be in your life. Will I know you’re
you
?”

“Your brain won’t but your heart will. And mine will too. When you get along in one life, you tend to get along in all of them.” Travis breathed in deeply and then let out a satisfied breath. “So you have a choice to make, Dad. I’m good now—better than good—so you can stop punishing yourself, let go of all the guilt and fear, and face life head-on. Or you can let it defeat you and cheat yourself of everything you want—including your chance to know me again in a few years. You gotta know which one I’d pick,” he added with a look of such longing, Joe’s heart contracted painfully.

Then Travis grinned and stood up. “I’ve really gotta go now. It’s almost time, and I don’t want to miss my chance to meet Annabel.”

“Annabel?” Feeling whiplashed, Joe jumped up from his chair. “Wait! Who’s Annabel? And can I hug—”

Travis grabbed him in a tight embrace, and Joe closed his eyes, feeling the tears he’d been holding back stream down his cheeks as he breathed in his son. The last time he’d held him, all he’d smelled was the nightmarish miasma of a violent death. Now the memory faded in the familiar summer scent of Travis—shampoo, warm cotton, a little too much cologne and a whiff of Pepsi.

“Everything’s gonna be fine, Dad,” Travis said in Joe’s ear, rubbing his back. “You probably won’t remember most of this, but your heart will. Say it with me now—everything happens for a reason.”

“Everything happens for a reason,” Joe parroted.

“Now say it like you mean it.”

Joe smiled and hung on. “I love you, Travis. So much. I’ll find you.”

“I love you too, and I know you will, but say it again, and keep saying it until you believe it. Everything happens for a reason. And love is worth whatever you have to risk.” Travis gently untangled himself from Joe’s grasp. “I’ll see you in a few years.”

“Everything happens for a reason,” Joe sighed as he sat down and looked out over the yard. It truly was beautiful here, and he’d hate to leave it behind, especially if he didn’t have to. If it would spoil the design. Ariel and Brent. They were everything good and true in his design. And the baby… “Everything happens for a reason.”

Suddenly exhausted, he yawned and leaned back with his fingers laced over his belly and his legs stretched out in front of him. Just before his eyes closed, he saw a little brown-haired girl in jeans running along the tree line, laughing as a red-haired boy chased after her.

He heard the faraway sound of the boy’s call. “Annabel, wait! I can’t keep up!”

Odd—they didn’t have any neighbors nearby. But it would be all right, because everything happened for a reason…

Christmas Day

“Joe? Did you say something?”

He blinked at Ariel. She was leaning over the side of his bed, dressed in her old gray sweater and looking like she’d been dragged backward through a hedge.

Was he in the hospital? It looked like a hospital room, with a curtain hanging around the bed and a TV too tiny to be enjoyed mounted high on the wall. Oh, and yes, there was an IV in his hand, with tubes connecting it to some sort of pump-on-a-pole that was cranking away. And a blood pressure cuff on his arm that started inflating like it knew he was thinking about it.

Definitely the hospital. Hopefully that meant there was a tube in his dick, too, because he did not want to get up to piss. His body felt like it weighed a thousand pounds and his eyes kept wanting to close.

“Hey, welcome back to the land of the living, Josiah,” she said as she took his hand and sat on the edge of the mattress. Her eyes ran over his face compulsively, as if he’d been gone for years. “Are you awake for real this time?”

“This time?” he croaked.

“This is the third time you’ve woken up today. Would you like a sip of water?”

When he nodded, she held up a cup so he could drink out of the straw. He grimaced when he swallowed. His throat felt like it had been sandblasted.

“Sorry, the nurse said you’d probably have a sore throat from the tube they put down there.” She set down the straw and punched a button on the remote by his hand. “Are you having pain anywhere else?”

“Nothing too bad.” He carefully felt his stomach with one hand. “What happened?”

“What’s the last thing you remember?”

“I don’t…” He frowned. “I was dreaming about Travis.”

Ariel’s face softened in sympathy. “What about him?”

“We were at the house—ours, I mean—and it was summer, and we were talking…” He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to remember, but as with all dreams, the details vanished into the mist as he tried to recall them. He sighed. Dammit, and it had seemed so real, and so important, too.

Travis’s voice echoed in his head and his eyes popped open. “Everything happens for a reason.”

“I totally agree,” Ariel said. “Wait, was that what you were trying to say when you woke up?”