Carter (The Harlow Brothers Book 1) (27 page)

She turns away as if she’s ashamed of what she’s telling me. I want to comfort her tell her that bastard doesn’t mean shit, but I’m rooted in place. I know she has more to say and more to tell me, but damnit as much as it hurts to see her this way, I have to let her finish. “The worst part about it, I wanted to be everything he wanted. I did every little thing he asked and more, but it was never good enough. My hair wasn’t the way he wanted, I didn’t dress sophisticated enough for his liking, or my favorite, I didn’t please him the way he liked. It was always something, always his damning words cutting me deep to my soul. I’d much rather he had beat me than remind me how worthless I was. How I’d never amount to anything without him, and how he made me who I was.” I stumble to the couch feeling as if I don’t sit, I might fall to my knees. I thought it might be bad, but fuck I didn’t realize how awful it was for her. I let my head fall as she continues on. “He made me want him. I hated how he’d go for weeks, and once for months without touching me or talking to me. He knew exactly what to do to make me do whatever he wanted, and I fell for it every time.” My heart begins to ache hearing the agony in her voice. “I didn’t think I was worth anything after a while. I thought no man would want me knowing how damaged and broken I was. After hearing the same hurtful words over and over, it’s hard not to start believing them. My mother definitely didn’t help. If I’d go to her and tell her what was going on, she’d tell me I needed to be better. I needed to stop being selfish, and be the perfect little wife I was expected to be. The thing is, Easton came at the perfect time and I don’t know how he knew I was so vulnerable. Maybe he sensed it. I don’t know, but at first he made me feel better. He made me forget.”

I snap my head up hearing that and ask, “It’s because of me, isn’t it?” She slowly turns and I can see it in her sad eyes. It’s my fault she went through all this. If I’d never pushed her away or let her go, she would’ve never had to endure any of it.

“You didn’t want me anymore, Carter.”

No, no, no. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. I stand up and pace in front of the couch. A wave of uncontrollable guilt comes over me and I yell, “Fuck!” I did this. I knew I fucked up, but knowing I’m the reason she was hurt so much over the years because of me … I can’t take it. No wonder why she didn’t want to see me when she first got back. No wonder she ran and shut me out so much. She didn’t want me to know it’s all on me for letting her go, and having to live through so much pain. But I tell myself I did it for the right reasons even if those reasons don’t mean shit. Who am I kidding? I was selfish. I was young and I thought I didn’t need her.

Was I ever fucking wrong.

I turn and look at her seeing tears falling down her face. I feel sick. I feel as if someone ripped my beating heart out of my chest, and all the breath in my lungs evaporate. “I’m so fucking sorry,” I choke out and reach for her. She walks into my arms and she lets out another cry on my chest. I clench my jaw as I feel my own tears burning and a lump forms in my throat. I thought I regretted what I did before, but now the regret is almost too much to bear. I hold her tightly unwilling to let her go, and I can only hope she can forgive me.

She pulls back as she wipes her tears away. I push her hair out of her face and she takes a deep breath before asking, “Why, Carter? I have to know why you let me go.”

I swallow, knowing no matter what I say, no matter my reasons, it’ll never make up for what she went through. I hold her cheeks with both hands as I tell her, “I thought I was doing what was best for you. I knew you were putting your life on hold for me, and sitting around waiting for me to finish college. It killed me knowing you wanted to get away and live your life on your own, and I was doing nothing but holding you back.” I slowly drop my hands as her tears start up again. “I was stupid, Shel. When you showed up at my fraternity house that night, and knowing you saw me hanging over that chick, I knew I’d fucked up. I never did anything with her. She was my buddy’s chick, but it doesn’t excuse anything. I shouldn’t have lied to you, or been thinking about myself. The thing is, as I ran after you, something told me it was time to let you go. A voice in the back of my mind kept saying, ‘stop hurting her and let her go’. I shouldn’t have listened. Honestly, I don’t know why I thought it was best for us to be apart, and I swear to you I’ve never stopped wishing I could take it back.” My voice cracks and I step back, knowing there’s nothing I can do to make her realize how much I want to go back and change everything. “Tell me you hate me, Shelby. Tell me how angry you are at me because if it had not been for me being so selfish, you would’ve never met that dick. You would’ve never went through hell and …” My voice breaks again and I can’t find the words I want to say to make it right.

“I don’t blame you anymore, Carter.” I frown at her words, wondering why she’s not yelling or running. “I did resent you at first for all the reasons you just said. But I can’t hold you totally responsible for that. Yes, you might have been the catalyst, but in the end I choose to stay as long as I did.”

“You wouldn’t think that if you knew I came after you.”

“What?”

I suck in a breath and rush out, “I came after you twice.”

“I don’t understand, Carter.”

“The first time was two days after our fight. I rushed home and went straight to your house only to find you had already left. Your mother …” I rub the back of my neck, trying to get through this part. Shelby’s mother is an evil bitch. “She answered the door and let’s just say, she didn’t paint a very pretty picture of me.”

She steps closer to me and asks, “What did she tell you? Please, tell me, Carter.”

Clearing my throat I say, “She told me how I’d never be good enough for you, and that you deserved to have a chance to start a life without me. She said you were glad I broke things off, and how happy you were for finally getting out of Columbus. Away from me. I shouldn’t have believed her, but it didn’t take me long to realize how I fucked up, and she hit every insecurity I had.”

I can tell my words shock her. She shakes her head and starts to clench her jaw. “My fucking mother. I should’ve known. She’s the reason for a lot of things, and I can’t believe she would lie to you. She saw firsthand how broken I was when I came home after seeing you, and I should’ve known she was up to something when she literally pushed me out the door to run off to South Carolina.” She huffs out a breath and adds, “She made running seem easy. Like it was my only option, so I did.”

“I don’t blame you for running. I knew what would probably happen when I decided to let you go, but I never thought any of this would happen. How are you not angry with me?” I truly want to know. I don’t see how she can forgive me so easily.

“I was for a long time. But I can’t be angry at you. Even if I don’t agree with your reasons.”

Walking to her, I pull her to me. Her hands land on my chest, and I run my hand through her hair as she looks up at me and I tell her, “I came for you a second time, too.”

“Carter, please don’t. Let’s leave the past where it belongs.”

I want to do as she asks, I really do, but she needs to know. “I have to, Shel. We’re letting all past demons out, and if I don’t it’ll be like I’m keeping things from you.”

She sighs, then says, “Alright.”

I pull away from her and take her hand leading her to the couch. She straddles me willingly, as her hands rest on my shoulders and I hold onto her waist as I begin. “It was two years after not having you in my life, when one day I just couldn’t take it anymore. I knew where you were only from keeping up with you on Facebook, and I caught a plane that same day to come see you. At the time, I hadn’t thought it through. I just knew I needed you.” I pause for a second, not wanting to remember how I felt as though I would die if I didn’t see her. No words can explain how much I missed her, and I had this urge to be close to where she was. Her hand cups my face and I stare deep into her eyes hoping she sees how much I wish I could fix everything. “When I got to the campus, I looked for you for hours it seemed. Then when I’d almost given up, I saw you sitting by a tree. You weren’t alone though. I watched as you laughed and seemed so happy. But when I started to walk towards you, I saw the guy you were with kiss you on the cheek, and I knew I had to leave. I knew my chance was over and I couldn’t bear to take that happiness away from you.” I remember that day all too clearly. I hated seeing her with someone else. I hated I lost my chance to make things right, and how my chest started to ache.

“Oh, Carter.” I frown as she takes a deep breath. “That was Easton you saw me with.” She looks away for a moment, then back to me. “I wasn’t with him then. I know what day you’re talking about. He tried for a whole year to get me to date him, but I couldn’t let you go. Even when I finally gave him a chance and dated him for years, I never could let you go. I think he knew it too. Maybe that’s why he was so cruel and hateful to me. I don’t want to make excuses for what he did to me, but you were always the one, Carter.” My stomach drops as the words leave her lips. All this time I thought I’d missed my chance, when I could’ve gotten her back. “Finish telling me what you want. I’m ready to move on from this.”

Nodding, I suck in a much needed breath and tell her, “After seeing you with another man, things got really bad. I started to drink more and I came close to failing out of law school. I pushed my family away, ignoring them and not caring to see them when they came to check on me. I didn’t deserve any of it. I didn’t want their help or their kindness. I wanted to make myself suffer for losing you, and knowing it was all my fault. I was lost and I didn’t know how to move forward.”

Shelby surprises me when she leans forward and places a tender kiss on my lips. She takes her hand off my face and says, “I know exactly how you felt because I went through the same. Maybe not so much of losing myself in a bottle, but knowing loss is something I’m all too familiar with. But now that time for us is over. We’re together now and I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of living in the past. I’m tired of thinking about it, and remembering every single bad thing that’s ever happened.” I close my eyes as she runs her fingers through my hair. It seems crazy she’s comforting me when I should be the one doing it to her. I open my eyes, gazing at her, and I can’t help but fall more in love with her. “Why is it we can remember all the shitty things we’ve been through, and relive them so vividly?”

I move my hands up on each of her legs as I say, “I think it’s because those moments define us. They mold and shape us to what and who we are today. It’s because we want to remember so we can learn and not make the same mistakes again.”

She grins and asks, “When did you get so wise?”

I smirk and say, “It comes with age, baby.” She laughs and it’s a sound that eases the guilt. It’s still there, but knowing she doesn’t hate me for all I’ve done and she can laugh with me, it helps tremendously. I stop my hands as they caress her face and lean up inches away from her tempting lips. “I am so sorry I fucked up, Shel. Please tell me I can make up for what I did. Tell me I can show you for the rest of my life how much you mean to me, and how much I need you by my side.”

I watch as she licks her lips and she says softly, “I wouldn’t have it any other way, Carter. I need you too much to run away from you again.”

I sigh in relief and she has no idea how much those words mean to me. I move closer, hovering so closely to her lips as I demand, “Tell me you love me. Tell me how much you need me.” I have to hear her say it. I know she loves me. I know she needs me more than anything, but hearing it and confirming it is exactly what will make me know she’s mine.

She gazes into my eyes, and my heart drums heavily in my chest as I wait to hear the words I desperately yearn for. She takes a breath and I worry for a second she’s not going to say what I want. “I love you, Carter.” I smile and I rub my thumb over her face as she places her hands on mine. “I need you more than the air I breathe. I need you more than anything, and I can’t see myself not ever needing you. I crave you, Carter.”

I let my hand fall from her face and place it on her back, pulling her chest to mine. Her arms wrap around my neck as I say, “I love you, Shel. I’ve always loved you and nothing will ever change that.” I close the small distance between us, taking her lips. I hear her sigh and tilt her head so I can deepen our kiss. I take my time with her. Savoring her taste, her smell, and the way she makes me feel. My heart, my soul, my entire being feels complete knowing she wants to be with me and to fight for what we have.

My hands travel down her body, and place them under her legs picking her up. My mouth doesn’t leave hers as I start walking down the hall to my room. I hold her making sure to keep my grip tight, as I push the door open with my foot. I blindly feel for the light switch as I walk in the room and flip it on heading to the bed. Laying her down gently, to hover over her, she smiles at me as she holds onto my arms. I feel like the luckiest man alive.

As I caress her cheek, my heart beats rapidly in my chest knowing I’m about to finally make her mine.

Forever.