Casting Shadows (22 page)

She didn’t have any – not about Flynn, anyway. All she knew was that he was staying with someone from Goldbar’s gym and would be there until the New Year. After that, she had
no idea where he was going or what he was doing.

Siobhan talked for a little longer about her wedding plans – she and Gary were hoping to get married next summer, though she wasn’t yet sure where. After a while, Gary returned to
pick her up. I thanked her profusely for taking so much trouble to come and see me and asked her to say hi to her mum and little sister, Caitlin. I charted and smiled as I kissed her goodbye but
inside poison ran through my veins.

Flynn still hated me. It was obvious. He blamed and resented me as much as he had done the night of the party. He loathed me.

I loathed myself.

After Siobhan’s visit, I stayed in my room again for two whole days. I told Dad and Gemma I wasn’t feeling well. I lay in bed, agonising over what Siobhan had said.
Nobody else understood or would ever understand.

I got up for Christmas Day and helped with the big lunch. I pulled my cracker, put on my paper hat and even managed a laugh at my stupid cracker joke. Dad was pleased I seemed so cheerful. I
knew he was thinking maybe I’d turned a corner and was getting over Flynn. Stone was there too. I’d missed his birthday completely while I was so wrapped up in mourning Flynn, so
I’d made a special effort with his Christmas present, asking Leo to help me choose some really stylish tops for him and putting them together with a proper skincare package. All dedicated
stuff for boys. I’d seen Stone was trying to make an effort with how he looked and thought that maybe, as his big sister, I should try and help. He shrugged and grunted a ‘thank
you’ when he opened the present but I could see he was pleased underneath.

After we’d exchanged all our gifts, Dad said he had something to tell us. He took me and Stone to one side and announced that Gemma was pregnant again. He explained they’d wanted to
wait a full fourteen weeks before they said anything because of Gemma’s miscarriage earlier in the year. He stressed Stone and I were the first people they’d told.

Stone didn’t seem that bothered one way or the other but I was delighted. I gave Dad a kiss, then went to find Gemma to tell her how thrilled I was. Tears started into her eyes as I hugged
her.

‘And I’ll be here to help when it’s born,’ I said, imagining how brilliant it was going to be to have a little brother or sister. ‘When is it due?’

‘The end of June,’ Gemma said with a smile.

So the baby would arrive almost exactly a year after I’d come to live at the commune. It seemed a good omen. Dad said it was okay to let people know and the first person I wanted to tell
was Leo. I ran to find him. He was down in the apple orchard, wrapped in two jumpers and a scarf, reading one of his Spanish lit books. His eyes lit up when I told him about the baby and I rushed
back to the house full of excitement and hope, happier than I’d been in ages.

My good mood didn’t last long. After our big veggie Christmas lunch, Dad drove me and Stone to Mum’s and we had another meal with her and a couple of her friends that evening. Mum
got on my nerves almost immediately, with comments about how I needed to put on some weight and get a haircut. I slept badly that night and woke late. After trying to force me to eat a cheese
omelette for breakfast, Mum suggested we went to the Boxing Day sales that afternoon. I refused. Clothes shopping was the last thing I could face. Then she tried to get me to call Grace and Emmi. I
couldn’t believe she thought it would be okay for me to be friends with Emmi again – she knew enough of the story of the party night to be aware of how Emmi’s revelation was the
trigger for my break-up with Flynn.

‘For goodness’ sake, River,’ Mum snapped when I challenged her. ‘Emmi did you a favour. Can’t you see that now?’

I said nothing. Mum would never get it. There was no point talking to her. Instead I got up, grabbed a jacket and headed outside.

It was a crisp, cold day and the chill wind bit at my face as I strode angrily along the street. London seemed so small to me now . . . so cramped and dirty.

I wasn’t really thinking about where I was going, I just wanted to get away from Mum, but my feet led me to Priory Park, where Flynn and I had met on our first date and so many times
after. It was starting to rain as I wandered across the concrete playground, past the basketball hoops and along the path, up to the café and the open air paddling pool. Both were closed, of
course. In fact, the whole park was deserted. The few people who’d been in here when I arrived, walking dogs or ferrying children to the play area across the grass, vanished as the rain grew
heavier. Soon I was drenched, so I turned and headed for home.

As I trudged up the hill, the wind grew stronger. I bowed my head, spiky raindrops stinging my cheeks. It was still pelting down as I reached the top of my road.

‘River!’ It was him.
His
voice.

I looked up, my heart racing. I peered across the street, shielding my eyes against the rain.

He was standing by a lamp post on the other side of the road, his shoulders hunched against the rain. We stared at each other for a few seconds, then Flynn ran across the road towards me. I
staggered backwards, my legs turning to jelly. I leaned against the cold, damp brick of the garden wall behind me as he slowed and stopped.

He stood half a metre away from me, his eyes fixed on mine. I couldn’t speak, could barely breathe. He looked the same, yet different – his face was thinner and his hair shorter;
there were lines under his green-gold eyes and I had never seen that trench coat before.

Rain trickled down his face. The world stood still. My hands shook. My body trembled. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t make sense of what was happening. All I knew was that he was here,
really here, right in front of me.

‘I had to see you,’ he said.

I hugged my arms around my damp jacket, trying to hide my trembling hands. For a moment I thought I might actually be sick.

‘I came here trying to get up the courage to come to your mum’s house,’ he went on. ‘James told me you were here today. I saw you leave, I followed you all the way to the
park. I watched you walk around, then when you started heading back here I . . .’ He paused. A clap of thunder sounded in the distance. ‘I wanted to say I’m sorry.’

I stared at him.
Sorry?

‘I shouldn’t have run off like I did. I should have said something to your dad. I should have checked Leo was all right instead of just calling the hospital the next day. I should
have apologised for hitting him. I should have talked to you.’ He fell silent.

I tried to process what he was saying but his words clattered around me, making no sense.

Thunder rumbled again in the distance. I shivered. Flynn took off his coat and held it out. He was wearing slim-cut trousers and a sleek, fitted top. They looked insanely expensive, as did the
trench coat.

‘River?’

I shook my head. Who did he think he was, turning up out of the blue and thinking he could just say ‘sorry’ and lend me his coat and that somehow the past two months would suddenly
look different?

‘I wanted to die,’ I said, the words forcing themselves out through my chartering teeth. ‘After you went, I wanted to die.’

Flynn came towards me, still holding out the coat.

‘Please put this on,’ he said. ‘You’re cold.’

Something in the gesture made me snap. Fury rose inside me and I lashed out, grabbing the coat from his hands and hurling it onto the ground.

‘How dare you say all this now?’ I shouted. ‘How dare you stand in front of me and say you’re sorry after all this time and not speaking to me when I rang and rang and
you
knew
how much I loved you and yet you still went and you stayed away and—’

‘I wanted to come back the next day,’ Flynn said, his eyes burning into me, his voice shaking with emotion. ‘I fell asleep in a bus shelter just outside Norton and when I woke
up I wanted to come back.’

‘So why didn’t you?’ I demanded. The rain was easing now, the wind fading, but I was still shivering.

‘What I said that night – most of it was an exaggeration but . . . I didn’t hate the commune but I didn’t belong there either.’ He paused. ‘I hated all the
rules, having to do all those chores.’

‘I thought you liked the stuff we did, especially outdoors?’

‘I did. It wasn’t the work, it was being
made
to do it. Didn’t you ever notice that though we were expected to do the jobs we were given, we never had a chance to join
in any of the decision-making?’

I frowned. That was true, though I’d never thought about it before. All the adults on the commune came together for regular monthly meetings to work out what needed to be done over the
next few weeks. Flynn and I had never been included in those.

‘And then there was the counselling. The woman I saw in London, before we went to live on the commune, was okay but I hated Sally and I hated those stupid group sessions.’

‘So why didn’t you say something before?’ I asked.

‘I did and they just said my ‘‘resistance’’ was all part of the freakin’ process.’ Flynn bent down to pick up his coat.

I glanced at his wrist. He was wearing a new silver watch. Where had he got the money for that?

‘I wish you would put this on,’ he said, holding out the coat again.

‘What about me kissing James?’ I went on. I was still angry but also shocked by how natural it felt to be standing here talking to him. ‘How d’you feel about
that?’

Flynn made a face. ‘I was upset at the time but I realised afterwards I’d overreacted, as everyone who knew anything about it kept on telling me.’ He rolled his eyes.
‘James in particular. I called him the next day, ready to come over and fight him, man to man, but he was so furious with me, I . . . he told me to eff off out of his life, that I was stupid
and cruel and . . . I couldn’t believe it, that he had the freakin’ nerve. So I left it, thinking he wasn’t worth my time. Cut off all ties.’

‘But you said you’d spoken to him – that’s how you knew I was here.’

‘I got back to London last week. It took me a few days but I went over to James’s the night before last. I knew I had to apologise to him, too. Tell him I’d realised that the
whole thing . . . the stupid kiss . . . was just a big nothing, really.’

I wiped the rain out of my eyes, barely registering that the drops had now stopped falling altogether.

‘James is still angry at me.’ He rubbed his forehead. ‘Mostly about you. He told me I was an idiot and that you were still defending me to everyone, even though I didn’t
deserve it. Siobhan said the same thing.’

‘Oh.’ I realised I’d stopped shivering.

‘That night when I left, it wasn’t because I didn’t want to be with you. It was . . . I dunno . . . it just hit me: I was living in a prison and I couldn’t take it
anymore, not the commune or the counselling or college. I was living this narrow life, somebody
else’s
life. It was like I’d just woken up from a bad dream and realised
wherever I turned I was just being pushed around, doing what
other people
wanted. I didn’t even know what
I
wanted. I still don’t.’

I stared at him, confused. ‘I thought you wanted to go to law school. Don’t you?’

‘I don’t know.’ Flynn shrugged. ‘I don’t think so. Becoming a lawyer was always about
not
being my dad. Being the
opposite
of my dad. But
I’m not sure if it’s really what I want to do . . . who I am. I have to work out what
I
want to do. For
me
.’

‘So you’re not taking your A levels anymore?’

‘Not right now, no. I’m earning money instead. Good money. I like it.’ He sighed. ‘How about you? Is college okay still?’

‘It’s fine . . .’ I stopped. I wanted to ask Flynn about how he was earning his ‘good money’ but it was too surreal to have an ordinary conversation about everyday
stuff with him.

‘And Leo?’ Flynn’s face darkened. ‘Has he asked you out yet?’

I thought back to the tortured conversation Leo and I had where he declared his feelings and railed against Flynn.

‘We’re friends,’ I said.

‘Ah.’ Flynn hesitated. ‘Look, I was right to leave the commune and try and work things out for myself but I wasn’t right to do it in the way I did. That’s what I
came here to say. That it was all my bad. And that I’m truly sorry I hurt you.’

The skies clouded over again and the wind whipped up. He was saying he was sorry
I
was hurt. But it clearly wasn’t the same for him. He had gone away and stayed away. He was fine
without me. I was just part of a life he wanted to leave behind. I took a step away from him, feeling strangely calm. It was over. After all these months, it was over. The rain started up again,
drizzling down our faces.

I looked down at my sweatpants and trainers. I knew my hair was plastered to my head and, in any case, badly needed a fresh cut, as Mum had pointed out to me several times since yesterday. I was
wearing no make-up and my skin was grey.

I suddenly realised that none of it mattered.

‘I miss you, Riv.’ Flynn’s voice was low and husky. He tugged the neck of his sleek black top to one side and drew out a worn leather thong. The tiny blue ‘R’
I’d given him dangled from the end. ‘See? You’re always with me. It hasn’t gone away. I still love you.’

I met his gaze. ‘But not enough,’ I said.

‘That’s not true.’

‘Yes, it is,’ I said, feeling the truth of it deep inside me. ‘If it was enough you’d have stayed. Even if you didn’t want the commune you’d have found a way
of being with me.’

Flynn shook his head. ‘You still don’t see, do you?’ he said. ‘I knew when I hit Leo I wasn’t ready. I tried really hard to make it work. But loving you
didn’t make all the rest of it okay. And I . . . I love you too much to be with you when I can’t be . . .’ He tailed off. ‘You can believe it or not but I’ll always
love you.’

The air froze in my throat. Rain spattered onto my face. Flynn leaned closer, his eyes gleaming green in the sharp, early afternoon light.