Catch-22 (56 page)

   ‘Would you rather go to jail?’

   ‘Would you let them send you home?’

   ‘Of course I would!’ Major Danby declared with conviction.
‘Certainly I would,’ he added a few moments later, in a less positive manner.
‘Yes, I suppose I would let them send me home if I were in your place,’ he
decided uncomfortably, after lapsing into troubled contemplation. Then he threw
his face sideways disgustedly in a gesture of violent distress and blurted out,
‘Oh, yes, of course I’d let them send me home! But I’m such a terrible coward I
couldn’t really be in your place.’

   ‘But suppose you weren’t a coward?’ Yossarian demanded,
studying him closely. ‘Suppose you did have the courage to defy somebody?’

   ‘Then I wouldn’t let them send me home,’ Major Danby vowed
emphatically with vigorous joy and enthusiasm. ‘But I certainly wouldn’t let
them court-martial me.’

   ‘Would you fly more missions?’

   ‘No, of course not. That would be total capitulation. And I
might be killed.’

   ‘Then you’d run away?’ Major Danby started to retort with
proud spirit and came to an abrupt stop, his half-opened jaw swinging closed
dumbly. He pursed his lips in a tired pout. ‘I guess there just wouldn’t be any
hope for me, then, would there?’ His forehead and protuberant white eyeballs
were soon glistening nervously again. He crossed his limp wrists in his lap and
hardly seemed to be breathing as he sat with his gaze drooping toward the floor
in acquiescent defeat. Dark, steep shadows slanted in from the window.
Yossarian watched him solemnly, and neither of the two men stirred at the
rattling noise of a speeding vehicle skidding to a stop outside and the sound
of racing footsteps pounding toward the building in haste.

   ‘Yes, there’s hope for you,’ Yossarian remembered with a
sluggish flow of inspiration. ‘ Milo might help you. He’s bigger than Colonel
Cathcart, and he owes me a few favors.’ Major Danby shook his head and answered
tonelessly. ‘ Milo and Colonel Cathcart are pals now. He made Colonel Cathcart
a vice-president and promised him an important job after the war.’

   ‘Then ex-P.F.C. Wintergreen will help us,’ Yossarian
exclaimed. ‘He hates them both, and this will infuriate him.’ Major Danby shook
his head bleakly again. ‘ Milo and ex-P.F.C. Wintergreen merged last week.
They’re all partners now in M & M Enterprises.’

   ‘Then there is no hope for us, is there?’

   ‘No hope.’

   ‘No hope at all, is there?’

   ‘No, no hope at all,’ Major Danby conceded. He looked up
after a while with a half-formed notion. ‘Wouldn’t it be nice if they could
disappear us the way they disappeared the others and relieve us of all these
crushing burdens?’ Yossarian said no. Major Danby agreed with a melancholy nod,
lowering his eyes again, and there was no hope at all for either of them until
footsteps exploded in the corridor suddenly and the chaplain, shouting at the
top of his voice, came bursting into the room with the electrifying news about
Orr, so overcome with hilarious excitement that he was almost incoherent for a
minute or two. Tears of great elation were sparkling in his eyes, and Yossarian
leaped out of bed with an incredulous yelp when he finally understood.

   ‘ Sweden?’ he cried.

   ‘Orr!’ cried the chaplain.

   ‘Orr?’ cried Yossarian.

   ‘Sweden!’ cried the chaplain, shaking his head up and down
with gleeful rapture and prancing about uncontrollably from spot to spot in a
grinning, delicious frenzy. ‘It’s a miracle, I tell you! A miracle! I believe
in God again. I really do. Washed ashore in Sweden after so many weeks at sea!
It’s a miracle.’

   ‘Washed ashore, hell!’ Yossarian declared, jumping all about
also and roaring in laughing exultation at the walls, the ceiling, the chaplain
and Major Danby. ‘He didn’t wash ashore in Sweden. He rowed there! He rowed
there, Chaplain, he rowed there.’ Rowed there?’

   ‘He planned it that way! He went to Sweden deliberately.’

   ‘Well, I don’t care!’ the chaplain flung back with
undiminished zeal. ‘It’s still a miracle, a miracle of human intelligence and human
endurance. Look how much he accomplished!’ The chaplain clutched his head with
both hands and doubled over in laughter. ‘Can’t you just picture him?’ he
exclaimed with amazement. ‘Can’t you just picture him in that yellow raft,
paddling through the Straits of Gibraltar at night with that tiny little blue
oar—’

   ‘With that fishing line trailing out behind him, eating raw
codfish all the way to Sweden, and serving himself tea every afternoon—’

   ‘I can just see him!’ cried the chaplain, pausing a moment in
his celebration to catch his breath. ‘It’s a miracle of human perseverance, I
tell you. And that’s just what I’m going to do from now on! I’m going to
persevere. Yes, I’m going to persevere.’

   ‘He knew what he was doing every step of the way!’ Yossarian
rejoiced, holding both fists aloft triumphantly as though hoping to squeeze
revelations from them. He spun to a stop facing Major Danby. ‘Danby, you dope!
There is hope, after all. Can’t you see? Even Clevinger might be alive
somewhere in that cloud of his, hiding inside until it’s safe to come out.’

   ‘What are you talking about?’ Major Danby asked in confusion.
‘What are you both talking about?’

   ‘Bring me apples, Danby, and chestnuts too. Run, Danby, run.
Bring me crab apples and horse chestnuts before it’s too late, and get some for
yourself.’

   ‘Horse chestnuts? Crab apples? What in the world for?’

   ‘To pop into our cheeks, of course.’ Yossarian threw his arms
up into the air in a gesture of mighty and despairing self-recrimination. ‘Oh,
why didn’t I listen to him? Why wouldn’t I have some faith?’

   ‘Have you gone crazy?’ Major Danby demanded with alarm and
bewilderment. ‘Yossarian, will you please tell me what you are talking about?’

   ‘Danby, Orr planned it that way. Don’t you understand—he
planned it that way from the beginning. He even practiced getting shot down. He
rehearsed for it on every mission he flew. And I wouldn’t go with him! Oh, why
wouldn’t I listen? He invited me along, and I wouldn’t go with him! Danby,
bring me buck teeth too, and a valve to fix and a look of stupid innocence that
nobody would ever suspect of any cleverness. I’ll need them all. Oh, why
wouldn’t I listen to him. Now I understand what he was trying to tell me. I
even understand why that girl was hitting him on the head with her shoe.’

   ‘Why?’ inquired the chaplain sharply.

   Yossarian whirled and seized the chaplain by the shirt front
in an importuning grip. ‘Chaplain, help me! Please help me. Get my clothes. And
hurry, will you? I need them right away.’ The chaplain started away alertly.
‘Yes, Yossarian, I will. But where are they? How will I get them?’

   ‘By bullying and browbeating anybody who tries to stop you.
Chaplain, get me my uniform! It’s around this hospital somewhere. For once in
your life, succeed at something.’ The chaplain straightened his shoulders with
determination and tightened his jaw. ‘Don’t worry, Yossarian. I’ll get your
uniform. But why was that girl hitting Orr over the head with her shoe? Please
tell me.’

   ‘Because he was paying her to, that’s why! But she wouldn’t
hit him hard enough, so he had to row to Sweden. Chaplain, find me my uniform
so I can get out of here. Ask Nurse Duckett for it. She’ll help you. She’ll do
anything she can to be rid of me.’

   ‘Where are you going?’ Major Danby asked apprehensively when
the chaplain had shot from the room. ‘What are you going to do?’

   ‘I’m going to run away,’ Yossarian announced in an exuberant,
clear voice, already tearing open the buttons of his pajama tops.

   ‘Oh, no,’ Major Danby groaned, and began patting his
perspiring face rapidly with the bare palms of both hands. ‘You can’t run away.
Where can you run to? Where can you go?’

   ‘To Sweden.’

   ‘To Sweden?’ Major Danby exclaimed in astonishment. ‘You’re
going to run to Sweden? Are you crazy?’

   ‘Orr did it.’

   ‘Oh, no, no, no, no, no,’ Major Danby pleaded. ‘No,
Yossarian, you’ll never get there. You can’t run away to Sweden. You can’t even
row.’

   ‘But I can get to Rome if you’ll keep your mouth shut when
you leave here and give me a chance to catch a ride. Will you do it?’

   ‘But they’ll find you,’ Major Danby argued desperately, ‘and
bring you back and punish you even more severely.’

   ‘They’ll have to try like hell to catch me this time.’

   ‘They will try like hell. And even if they don’t find you,
what kind of way is that to live? You’ll always be alone. No one will ever be
on your side, and you’ll always live in danger of betrayal.’

   ‘I live that way now.’

   ‘But you can’t just turn your back on all your responsibilities
and run away from them,’ Major Danby insisted. ‘It’s such a negative move. It’s
escapist.’ Yossarian laughed with buoyant scorn and shook his head. ‘I’m not
running away from my responsibilities. I’m running to them. There’s nothing
negative about running away to save my life. You know who the escapists are,
don’t you, Danby? Not me and Orr.’

   ‘Chaplain, please talk to him, will you? He’s deserting. He
wants to run away to Sweden.’

   ‘Wonderful!’ cheered the chaplain, proudly throwing on the
bed a pillowcase full of Yossarian’s clothing. ‘Run away to Sweden, Yossarian.
And I’ll stay here and persevere. Yes. I’ll persevere. I’ll nag and badger
Colonel Cathcart and Colonel Korn every time I see them. I’m not afraid. I’ll
even pick on General Dreedle.’

   ‘General Dreedle’s out,’ Yossarian reminded, pulling on his
trousers and hastily stuffing the tails of his shirt inside. ‘It’s General
Peckem now.’ The chaplain’s babbling confidence did not falter for an instant.
‘Then I’ll pick on General Peckem, and even on General Scheisskopf. And do you
know what else I’m going to do? I’m going to punch Captain Black in the nose
the very next time I see him. Yes, I’m going to punch him in the nose. I’ll do
it when lots of people are around so that he may not have a chance to hit me
back.’

   ‘Have you both gone crazy?’ Major Danby protested, his
bulging eyes straining in their sockets with tortured awe and exasperation.
‘Have you both taken leave of your senses? Yossarian, listen—’

   ‘It’s a miracle, I tell you,’ the chaplain proclaimed,
seizing Major Danby about the waist and dancing him around with his elbows
extended for a waltz. ‘A real miracle. If Orr could row to Sweden, then I can
triumph over Colonel Cathcart and Colonel Korn, if only I persevere.’

   ‘Chaplain, will you please shut up?’ Major Danby entreated
politely, pulling free and patting his perspiring brow with a fluttering
motion. He bent toward Yossarian, who was reaching for his shoes. ‘What about
Colonel—’

   ‘I couldn’t care less.’

   ‘But this may actua—’

   ‘To hell with them both!’

   ‘This may actually help them,’ Major Danby persisted
stubbornly. ‘Have you thought of that?’

   ‘Let the bastards thrive, for all I care, since I can’t do a
thing to stop them but embarrass them by running away. I’ve got
responsibilities of my own now, Danby. I’ve got to get to Sweden.’

   ‘You’ll never make it. It’s impossible. It’s almost a
geographical impossibility to get there from here.’

   ‘Hell, Danby, I know that. But at least I’ll be trying.
There’s a young kid in Rome whose life I’d like to save if I can find her. I’ll
take her to Sweden with me if I can find her, so it isn’t all selfish, is it?’

   ‘It’s absolutely insane. Your conscience will never let you
rest.’

   ‘God bless it.’ Yossarian laughed. ‘I wouldn’t want to live
without strong misgivings. Right, Chaplain?’

   ‘I’m going to punch Captain Black right in the nose the next
time I see him,’ gloried the chaplain, throwing two left jabs in the air and
then a clumsy haymaker. ‘Just like that.’

   ‘What about the disgrace?’ demanded Major Danby.

   ‘What disgrace? I’m more in disgrace now.’ Yossarian tied a
hard knot in the second shoelace and sprang to his feet. ‘Well, Danby, I’m
ready. What do you say? Will you keep your mouth shut and let me catch a ride?’
Major Danby regarded Yossarian in silence, with a strange, sad smile. He had
stopped sweating and seemed absolutely calm. ‘What would you do if I did try to
stop you?’ he asked with rueful mockery. ‘Beat me up?’ Yossarian reacted to the
question with hurt surprise. ‘No, of course not. Why do you say that?’

   ‘I will beat you up,’ boasted the chaplain, dancing up very
close to Major Danby and shadowboxing. ‘You and Captain Black, and maybe even
Corporal Whitcomb. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if I found I didn’t have to be
afraid of Corporal Whitcomb any more?’

   ‘Are you going to stop me?’ Yossarian asked Major Danby, and
gazed at him steadily.

   Major Danby skipped away from the chaplain and hesitated a
moment longer. ‘No, of course not!’ he blurted out, and suddenly was waving
both arms toward the door in a gesture of exuberant urgency. ‘Of course I won’t
stop you. Go, for God sakes, and hurry! Do you need any money?’

   ‘I have some money.’

   ‘Well, here’s some more.’ With fervent, excited enthusiasm,
Major Danby pressed a thick wad of Italian currency upon Yossarian and clasped
his hand in both his own, as much to still his own trembling fingers as to give
encouragement to Yossarian. ‘It must be nice to be in Sweden now,’ he observed
yearningly. ‘The girls are so sweet. And the people are so advanced.’

   ‘Goodbye, Yossarian,’ the chaplain called. ‘And good luck.
I’ll stay here and persevere, and we’ll meet again when the fighting stops.’

   ‘So long, Chaplain. Thanks, Danby.’

   ‘How do you feel, Yossarian?’

   ‘Fine. No, I’m very frightened.’

   ‘That’s good,’ said Major Danby. ‘It proves you’re still
alive. It won’t be fun.’ Yossarian started out. ‘Yes it will.’