Catch Me (52 page)
Christian, Abraham, Moses: Thank you for understanding me, putting up with me, showing me an unconditional love I wasn’t aware existed before you. You help keep my head above water daily. I love you more than words, more than stories, more than life.
For the ones who ripped me up and tore me down. The ones who ignored me and kept walking all over me, making me feel like a burden to them: Thank you
For you, Jay, you saved me countless times without even knowing it.
Ashley Tkachyk-For every day, keeping me sane in this insane world, reading with me, laughing with me, screaming with me, for your feedback, wise suggestions, for your mind.
Rachel Keenan -no words can suffice, but thank you x 100. I hope you’re ready to read everything I write from now on. You read this more than anybody else and you didn’t even complain about it! Your encouragement, your suggestions, the way you pick up on things that not many readers would, made this process worth it for me.
Bridget Peoples- for your talks, your belief in me, your swag, your feedback.
Alyssa West (for the literary porn-LOL!); Michelle Finkle (I want to walk around with you in my pocket for life! For reading my stories & giving me the most encouraging, uplifting and beautiful words, thank you!); Sandra “Turtle” Cortez (for always reading, for your encouragement, your voxes, thank you); Trisha Rai (for your undying support and willingness to read whatever I send you); Trish Brinkley (for your messages, for planning the best signings ever, your love for Cole!). Crysti Perry (for your awesome notes that made me push harder). Autumn (for taking the time out of your crazy schedule to read and giving me your honest feedback).
Jodie Stipetich
(my favorite stalker! LOVE YOU!)
Taryn “V”: For “getting” me, letting me rant, ranting back, laughing at my stupid sarcasm, throwing it back. For holding my hand through shit and not letting me give up. For giving me crap when I restart a book for the tenth time, but shutting up when I explain to you why I did it. Your support means the world to me, but your friendship is invaluable. And lastly, for making two cute and grateful kids. We need better men in this world and it makes me happy to know you’re raising two of them.
Syreeta “Ree” Jennings: For pushing me, and pushing me, and pushing me and then sending me chocolate (lol). For laughing with me, getting frustrated with me, and believing in me enough for the both of us. I am grateful to have you in my life and am honored to call you my friend. Oh yeah, and for Timmy and his great ideas! No new friends …
Lisa Chamberlin: I wish I could just say “thank you” and feel like that’s enough, but it’s not. You put your things aside and picked this up for me to help me with a blurb, but did so much more. You’re an angel and I’m grateful to call you my friend.
Barbie Bohrman: I don’t know what I would do without your support, sick brain, and sense of humor. I’m pretty sure our twisted souls have met before, maybe killed together in the past, JUST KIDDING! …
Mimi: Oh my goodness. What would I do without your eyes?! lol Thank you for being there for me every single day. Thank you for lending me your time and your eyes and making me go back and change words like “whisper” and “quiet” (I’m whispering this LOL). Love you!
Angie: Thank you for EVERY SINGLE THING that you do for me. For being there for rants, laughs, screams, and cries. Thank you for pushing me the way you do and believing in me as much as you do!
My writer girls who know my struggle, understand my worries and rants and accept my crazy. I don’t know what I would do without you: SL Jennings, Madeline Sheehan, Barbie Bohrman, Gail McHugh, EL Montes, Karina Halle, Sydney Simon, MJ Abraham, Willow Aster, Mia Asher, Lb Simmons, Lisa DeJong, K.A. Linde- Write on.
Lori Sabin: Best.
Editor
Person. Ever. I can’t express how much you mean to me because there are no words in any language I know that will suffice. Thank you, not only for editing, but for being you. This world needs many more Loris in it, your existence lights up the world. I love you.
Regina Wamba: Your covers. No words. Thank you for being such a pleasure to work with and for creating amazingness. I am IN LOVE with this cover.
Angela: Your formatting knows no bounds. You take the words I write and make them appear as beautiful as I hope they read and that’s an art in itself. Thank you for doing what you do AND for putting up with my SUPER crazy ass! <3
Paige Chaplin: Thank you SO very much for letting me use YOUR music and YOUR lyrics in my book. Your beautiful voice and lyrics are inspiring. Thank you for sharing your talent and for letting Nick Wilde pretend it was his ;).
Stephanie Johnson: Thank you for your support! Your cookies are to die for. Thank you for making them with such love.
More people I love:
My KBs: There are way too many of you to name, but thank you for talking books with me. I like to say that I’m part of the best book club ever, and that’s because of you.
My Crazies: Jennifer Mirabelli (thank you for sending me a load of corrections as you read <3), Jenn Diaz, Diana Almanzar, Donna Sanderson, Allison Phillips, America Matthews, Jodi Stipetich, Christine Estevez, Juliana Cabrera, Orchita Rahman, Kim Rinaldi, Willow Dolbear, Nancy Godinez
Daisy the Rockstar, Dyann Tufts, Erin Hunt, Fred Lebaron, Ciara Martinez, Jenn Linn Dale, Shawna Vitale, Stephanie S Brown, Shey Houston, Robin Stranahan, and SO many others! If I forgot you, it’s not bc I love you less. I swear!
My mother in law, Barbara: for taking my kids, feeding them, and giving them back to me unharmed and bathed. If more women had mother in laws like you, there would be less men left on the market. If more men had mothers like you, we’d have a lot more gentlemen.
My mother: for giving me life and telling everybody she knows that her daughter writes books.
Blogs that make the world go round:
Angie’s Dreamy Reads, My Secret Romance, Shh Moms Reading (Christine, THANK YOU for everything!), Autumn Review, Fiction and Fashion (my fab three!), Aestas Bookblogger, Devoured Words, Rockstars of Romance (I LOVE YOU, M!), Little Black Book, Stories and Swag, Up All Night Book Blog, Nose Stuck in a Book, Reading Bliss, sandwich making book bitches, Bridger Bitches Book Blog, A Love Affair With Books, Gutter Girls Book Reviews, #BookNerd, Three Girls and a Book Obsession, G & C Book Blog, Book Addicts not so Anonymous, Rotten Apple Reads, The Hopeless Romantics Book Blog, Reviews by Tammy & Kim, Three Chicks and Their Books, The Book Blog, fictions our addiction, Book Boyfriend Reviews, The Suburban Eclectic Review, Books Books Books, Reality Bites! Let’s Get Lost!, Sinfully Sexy Book Reviews, Rumpled Sheets Blog, First Class Books, Book Crush, Lives and Breathes Book Blog, Escape Into A Book, Chapter Break, Books, Babes, and Cheap Cabernet, I Love Indie Books, Group Therapy Book Club Blog & Review, Mean Girls Luv Books, Kassie’s Book Thoughts, Sugar and Spice Book Reviews, For the Love of Books, Lustful Literature, Books to Breathe,
Jessica’s Book Review, True Story Book Blog Wild Wordy Women House of Vetti Booky Ramblings
A very special shout out to Patty Eunfeno, who was looking forward to reading this, but was taken from us before she got the chance. I know you’re reading it from heaven, I hope I made you proud!
Turn the page for a preview of:
People are inherently afraid of the dark. There are no two ways around it. Even if you are in a dark place with another person, or a room full of people, the physical presence doesn’t erase the fact that total blackness is still an isolating event.
It’s the unknowns of darkness, the shallow feelings of disparity that leave you confused and looking for a way out. It’s the phenomena of experiencing cold fear - the idea of not knowing what lies ahead of you; what obstacles are there, both physically and metaphorically.
Darkness is also a state of mind that can’t be controlled;
it
controls you. The only time the inky blackness can be constrained is when you learn to accept your fate and move toward any speck of light where the smallest bits of hope can be forced upon you. Light filters away the nothing and infuses rays of other colors bright enough to change cold fear into a warm security.
Emptiness remains to be an unwelcome companion, even though I feel an outside presence around me. The sadness seeps through my pores and forces me to stay in the somberness of this state of inertia. I can hear sounds, none of which are immediately familiar. I strain to identify any detail that would be obvious to me and I come up with nothing.
An indiscernible amount of time passes. I learn to accept that now my mind is only able to see the forever of a night clouded so heavily, it obscures any presence of light in the sky. The fear slowly fades away as I learn to grow accustomed to the calmness isolation brings. I quickly learn that running around in the dark is pointless. Of course, there are limitless places to go and each one of them is infinite.
Except, there is no end, no light, no details or color.
It is depressing.
It’s the despondency that forces me to admit that I don’t want to be alone anymore. I want to escape this hell where my mind has left me behind. I am growing desperate to leave the isolation. With each passing moment, I’m finding that I need to feel the light and put the darkness beyond my reach. Like watching the pallet of a pale sunset, the night will always fall behind.
Streaks of color appear behind my eyes, like watching a movie in fast-forward. It moves by so fast, I can’t grab on to any one flash long enough to see faces or places. It was all just blurs and lines of moving pictures. I try to remain optimistic, despite the obvious.
I feel hope and a determination to fight my way from the unknown to something that is more concrete and welcoming; a place where I could at least be in the company of others. I absorb the outside details that have become more vibrant; voices and mechanical sounds in my surrounding parameters seem to dominate my time.
I concentrate on trying to translate what is being said.
“Why are you even here?” one says, with a bite in his tone.
“Because I love her and I will do
anything
for her,” he responds.
“She doesn’t need you. She needs me. I’m her husband. I’m the father of her two kids.”
The fight outside me matches the fight within me.
I know that I prefer the darkness and isolation - I can feel it in my soul, but I also know that I can’t continue alone, here, like this. I am growing tired; and I can’t let this become a permanent place for me. I need the energy and the warmth that only light can bring. Like running from the dreaded thundercloud that threatens to soak you to the bone, I flee the drama of the storm and head toward the area outside the gloom of gray and mist, the area where the clouds are like the softest dream, and the rainbow shines further than the eye can see.
I also know that leaving the dark and securing the safeness of the light also means having to face those
things
that you left behind. The dark is where you hide your sins and your wrong doings in life; those trappings of the immoral that you know your mind put away for a reason. Yet, the light beckons like a winged temptress promising salvation. Forgiveness.
That’s where I am now, at the edge. Do I run back to the dark where all my secrets lie and hope for the best, knowing I won’t make it much longer; or do I face the sordid past I unknowingly created and walk toward the brilliance of colorless lights that I know will save me?
I am ready to face the consequences.
I open my eyes.
