Cathy Hopkins - [Mates, Dates 04] (10 page)

‘
Uhyuh
,’ I
stuttered, hoping that by some strange quirk of fate, Tony might be fluent in
Zoganese.

I could see Lucy
giving me a strange look then giving Tony a
filthy
look. Hmm?
Something going on there, methinks. Must ask later.

Tony went over to the
fridge and opened the door. ‘What’s to eat?’ He got out a half-eaten apple pie,
put it on the breakfast bar and cut himself a huge slice. ‘Apple pie for
breakfast?’ said Iz. ‘Ew. Gross.’ He turned and grinned at her. ‘Would you
prefer I did something else with it?’

‘Like what?’ said Iz.
‘You seen that film
American Pie
?’

‘Yeah,’ said Izzie,
then pulled a face. ‘
Eew
, double gross.’

‘What are you on about?’
I asked. Nesta looked at Tony wearily and sighed.

‘Sorry about my
disgusting brother, TJ. In
American Pie
, a boy asks what it’s like to
have sex. His mate says it’s like putting your thingee in a warm apple pie.’

I blushed furiously as
Tony watched me closely to see my reaction.

‘Apparently, some guy
in Australia tried it,’ said Lucy, getting down from her stool at the breakfast
bar and refilling the kettle. ‘Steve read about it in the paper. This guy
didn’t wait for the pie to cool when it came out of the oven. He was taken to
the local hospital and treated for burns.’

‘
Aggghhh
,’ said Tony, putting his hands over his crotch
as the rest of us cracked up laughing. ‘I wonder how he explained
that
to the nurse on duty.‘

Lucy looked at the apple
pie and I saw a wicked twinkle appear in her eye. ‘Would you like me to warm
that up for you, Tony?’ she asked sweetly. ‘I could put it in the microwave. On
high?’

Tony went over to her
and put his arm round her. ‘And how
is
the love of my life?’

‘Dunno. How is she?’
said Lucy as she took his arm away from her shoulder.

‘You know you want me
really,’ said Tony.

Lucy began to walk out
of the kitchen. ‘Yeah. Right. It’s
agony
keeping my hands off you.
Not.’

‘That girl…’Tony
sighed as he watched her go out of the room. ‘So what are you lot doing today?’

‘Make-over,’ said
Nesta.

‘Who’s the poor victim
this time?’

Nesta looked at me. I
looked back at the floor.

Tony got up and
started dancing in front of me. ‘Don’t go changing, tryin’ to please me…‘

‘Go and see Mum,
Tony,’ said Nesta. ‘It’s time for your medication.’

‘So what was all that
about?’ I asked Lucy. The four of us were sitting on the bus on our way over to
my house later that morning. ‘You know, Tony?’

Lucy shrugged. ‘We
used to go out. Then we finished. Then we got back together. I don’t know where
we are now.’

‘Muswell Hill,’ teased
Nesta, as the bus went up the Broadway past
Marks & Spencer
.

‘He adores you,’ said
Izzie.

‘That’s part of the
problem,’ said Lucy. ‘See, we’re just getting on great, then he starts again .
-. .’

She caressed the air
with her hands… ‘with wandering hands. I’m not ready for all that yet. I want
it to be special when I go further with a boy. I don’t want to do it because I
feel pressured that if I don’t, he’ll dump me for someone who puts out more
easily. You know?’

I nodded. No, I didn’t
know. I hadn’t even been
snogged
yet.

‘And you saw what he’s
like,’ said Lucy. ‘Flirting with you…’

‘Oh, I never…’ I
started. ‘I would never… I mean he
is
gorgeous, there’s no denying
that, but…’

‘Oh, don’t worry, TJ,
he’s like that with all girls. That’s another reason why I don’t give in to the
wandering hands. I’d never feel as if I could trust him.’

‘Well, no reason to
worry about me. You saw what I was like back there. Always the same when there
are decent boys around. I told you, I go
stupid
. You know there’s that
book
Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus
. Well, I want to write
one,
Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, Teenagers are From Planet
Zog’

‘Good idea,’ said
Lucy.

‘It’s mad,’ I
continued, ‘because, I want to be a writer but, well, I told you my problem
with finding the right words at the right time. Why do they always come after,
like when I’m falling asleep or something?’

‘That’s good, it means
your subconscious mind is working on it,’ said Izzie. ‘I find that with my
lyrics. You have to consider the words. Play with them until you’ve got them
right. Let them come to you sometimes. It can happen in the middle of the
night. I’d say that is the sign that you
will
be a writer.’

‘And if you’re from
Planet Zog,’ said Lucy, ‘you can always write science fiction.’

I laughed and punched
her arm. ‘I wish I could be more like you, Nesta. I wish I could come out with
great one-liners or put-downs.’

‘
We
all wish
she’d be more like
you’
said Lucy with a grin. ‘Think before she
speaks, sometimes.’

‘It does get me in
trouble,’ said Nesta. ‘Sometimes.’

‘So, at last,’ said
Lucy as we got to our gate. ‘We get to meet the man of the moment.’

‘Who? Scott?’ I said,
glancing up at his bedroom window to see if he’d seen us. ‘He usually goes out
Saturday mornings.’

‘No, silly. Not
Scott,’ said Lucy, pointing at the downstairs window next to our front door
where a furry face was looking out. ‘Mojo.’

I laughed as I
unlocked the door and was almost knocked over as he leapt up to say hello.

‘I’ve only been away a
night,’ I said, as he licked my face then ran round the girls, sniffing then
rolling on the floor, his tail wagging madly.

After they’d all made
a huge fuss over him, we all trooped up to my bedroom.

‘Fab garden,’ said
Nesta, looking out of the window. ‘It’s huge and
wow
, a hammock. How
cool. You’ve got visitors though. On the patio, your gran and grandad are
here.’

I went over to look
out.

‘Er, no,’ I said,
pulling back. ‘That’s my mum and dad.’

Nesta looked like she
wanted to die.

‘Mum had me late, when
she was in her mid-forties’

‘Oh,
ties
Cherie Blair,’ said Izzie, going for a look.

‘No,’ said Nesta.
‘Ires Jerry Hall. Much more glam. Now let’s look in your wardrobe.’

And that was it. No problem.
Ires Jerry Hall and show us your clothes. I needn’t have worried at all.

‘I hope I didn’t
offend you,’ said Nesta as she held up baggy tracksuit bottoms and put them on
the reject pile. ‘You know, calling them your grandparents.’

‘No prob. I know they’re
ancient. In fact, I call them the Wrinklies.’

‘I nicknamed my
step-father The Lodger when he first arrived,’ said Izzie, flopping on the bed
next to Mojo. ‘I couldn’t relate to him any other way, although we get on
better now. But the thought of him sharing a bed with Mum, you know,
eew
…’

‘Huh,’ said Lucy. ‘You
think you’ve got problem parents? Mine get the pri/e. Why can’t they be normal
instead of mad hippies? They’re so embarrassing sometimes.’

‘My brother’s a
hippie. You know the one who’s abroad. I could introduce him to your mum and
dad when he’s back.’

‘Yeah,’ said Lucy.
‘They could have a soya bean party or something and talk about vegan shoes.’

‘Vegan shoes?’ I
asked.

‘Plastic. No leather.
Dad sells them at the shop.’

‘I think your mum and dad
are great,’ said Izzie. ‘I really like them.’

‘Well that’s because
you are a
very
strange person,’ said Lucy.

Izzie retaliated by
throwing a cushion at her.

Not wanting to be left
out, Nesta grabbed one of my pillows and bashed both of them over the head with
it. ‘Oh,
behave’
she said in her best Mike Myer’s voice.

Both of them picked up
cushions and began pelting her.

If you can’t beat
them, join them, I thought as I reached for a second pillow.

It was hysterical.
Even Mojo joined in, jumping on whoever he could and barking his head off.

Five minutes later,
Lucy was face down on the floor with Izzie sitting on her back. Izzie was
tickling her under her arms. ‘Repent, repent. Say I am the most fab fabster in
the world, no, the
universe
!

‘Never,’ cried Lucy
into the carpet.

Whilst they battled it
out on the floor, Nesta and I were using my bed as a trampoline.

‘I’m Xena, Warrior
Princess,’ cried Nesta as she leapt in the air and whacked me over the head
with a pillow.

‘And
I’m
Buffy the Vampire Slayer,’ I yelled as I delivered a nifty whack to her knees.
‘
Die
, you pathetic imbecile.’

Just at that second,
my bedroom door opened.

‘What in
heaven’s
name is that din?’ shouted Dad above the racket. ‘It sounds as if someone’s
being murdered.’

We all froze on the spot
as if playing a game of statues.

Dad was definitely in
Scary Dad mode and I prayed he wasn’t going to make a scene.

‘Aren’t you a bit old
for this tomfoolery?’ he asked.

Nesta and I got off
the bed and Lucy and Izzie got up off the floor. We stood in line, looking
sheepish and not knowing what to do next. Lucy was staring at the floor, Izzie
was grinning at my father like an idiot and Nesta was looking at her nails,
trying to pretend that she wasn’t there.

Then I noticed Lucy’s
shoulders going up and down in silent laughter. This set me off. Then Izzie.
Then-Nesta, as all of us exploded into a fit of laughing.

Dad looked to the
heavens in exasperation. ‘
Fourteen
, TJ. Isn’t it about time you
started acting like a young woman?’

I nodded furiously,
but tears were falling down my cheeks.

‘I’m going to my club
for a bit
of peace’
said Dad, going out and slamming the door behind
him.

‘Oops,’ I said, then
started sniggering. ‘Iz, Lucy, Nesta meet my dad. Oh dear…’

‘Sorrysorry,’ said
Nesta. Then she picked up one of my bras from a pile of ironing on the desk and
put it on over her T-shirt.

‘Guess we’re going to
have to work on our refined and well behaved bit, huh?’ she said, sticking her
chest out.

I nodded. ‘Demure and
wotsit,’ I said, picking a pair of knickers from the pile and putting them on
my head.

‘And vewee vewee
mature,’ said Lucy in a little girlie voice as she sprang up on my bed and
jumped up as high as she could.