Caught (18 page)

Once the shockwaves settle, I move away from her just long enough to kick my pants off and move up the length of her body, leaving a wet trail from my tongue behind.  My hand cups her face as I gaze into her eyes.  Her hands run along my back, causing my muscles to contract.  She leans up and places her mouth on mine, unaffected by the presence of her on my lips.  It’s the hottest thing she’s ever done, and I can’t wait any longer.  Quinn’s hands never stop exploring my skin, which only makes me throb more.

With her dark hair fanned out over the pillow, I lean down and gently kiss her lips again.  She pulls me down on top of her and kisses my neck before whispering in my ear, “Take me. I’m yours.”

I hover at her entrance for a second, contemplating what I’m about to do.  Going through with this isn’t going to solve anything.  It’s only going to make things harder, but I can’t stop myself.  She’s mine.  She needs me.  I need her.  I’m hers.  Nothing else matters.

I push into her, and her warmth surrounds me in more ways than one.  I claim her.  Or maybe she claims me.  Either way, none of it matters, because I know now. 

I can’t lose her.

No matter what.

Ever. 

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Quinn

      What the fuck did I do last night? And why in the hell did I think it would seriously change things between us? Sex doesn’t fix shit, it destroys it. I’m proof of that. Being the other woman never benefits the other woman. Just because the guy wants you enough to screw you behind his girls back, it doesn’t mean he wants you. And adding in the friendship factor doesn’t intensify your chances either. It only makes it harder when everything falls to shit.

And it makes you feel like shit.

I know we were both slightly drunk, but last night felt real. It felt right. I felt like I wasn’t alone in this. That he was right there with me, and not just physically. But I guess him sneaking out in the middle of the night tells a different story. That I’m just a side piece to feed the urge when his girlfriend, my fucking other best friend, isn’t around. This is a level I’ve never wanted to stoop to. I don’t want to be that girl.

I refuse to be that girl. I’m fully aware of my self-worth. Now it’s time to apply the concept to my way of thinking—apply it to everything in regards to Chace.

But he is my weakness.

I’m not sure my self-worth is strong enough to be my saving grace when it comes to him. How can I withstand the crippling effect of his kryptonite when he’s the only one that can shield me from it? He’s my savior and my destroyer all in one.

And now it’s time I take back that control that he doesn’t even realize he possesses.

If I can.

Kenna’s sick today, so I have to face Chace and religion class all on my own this morning. I hate this feeling—this pit in my stomach. I grab the handle to the door, then let go and turn on my heel. I can skip a day of class. It won’t hurt anything. Keeping my head down, I tighten the grip on my messenger bag and hold it close against me. This day, month, semester, year, and everything else can just go to straight to hell in a hand basket for all I care. I’m over it.

I’m over letting my guard down. Yes, it feels good…so yummy and good. But the aftershock of it all leaves me in pieces. I barely pieced myself back together last time, and I can’t keep doing this. I’m going to start losing pieces and placing some in the wrong spot. If I keep doing this and allowing myself to indulge in the temptation, I will soon be unrecognizable.

              Not looking where I’m going, I run into someone. I don’t even look up when I apologize. I try to sidestep whoever it is, but they keep blocking me.

“I said I’m sorry,” I all but seethe out. I don’t have time for games. I need out of this building. 

“What exactly are you sorry for?” I should’ve fucking knew it. The way my luck has been playing out, it should’ve been blatantly obvious how this would go.

“Let me by, Chace.”

“No. You’re not running from me.”

“Ha! I’m not the one running.” I finally look up and glare.

He looks sad—apologetic, but I’m sorry, you can only apologize so many times. After saying it a handful of times and continuing to do what you were initially sorry for pretty much makes the word void of meaning.

“This is the last time this will be brought up. Last night was a mistake. A huge mistake. The first time we let it happen I thought it was the biggest mistake ever, but it turns out we could make shit worse. Our friendship is in shambles. I don’t know if it can be restored. But I do know doing what we did last night will not repair it. In fact, it will make it unravel even quicker. Understand?”

He nods and goes to speak, but I stop him.

“Oh yeah, and bailing on me in the middle of the night doesn’t help matters either.” I turn around and head back to the room I was avoiding. I already ran into the reason I was jumping ship anyways, so I have no reason not to go sit in the same room with him now.

“Whoa. Wait. That’s not what happened.” He comes up from behind and I grip the handle, looking back at him.

“I don’t want to hear any more of your excuses, Chace. I’m done.” I fling the door open and don’t even try to hold it open for him. From now on he’s on his own. I need to put myself and my needs first. Caring about him destroys me.

Class nearly puts me to sleep, but I try to pay attention to the documentary the professor has us watching. The lights being turned off doesn’t help my fluttering eyes one bit. With it being dark, I can’t help but glance back towards Chace. His head is propped up on his hand, and I’m pretty sure he’s asleep. I don’t look long enough in fear of getting caught. I can’t go off on him like I did and then be all creeper like and watch him. When it comes to Chace I need to quit being a fence post sittin’ mofo. I either need to be cool with things or not. I can’t be back and forth. Just how this situation isn’t good for me, it can’t be good on him either. It’s pretty selfish of me to think that I’m the only one who’s being affected by it.

The bright lights come back on, and it takes a minute for me to adjust. I shove my stuff into my bag and stand, going the opposite way that I know Chace will go. I need distance. He obviously does too if he sneaks out of my room in the middle of the night.

“Mornin’, jock,” I hear one of the sorority type girls say, and I look over to see her and two of her friends walking up to Chace. He lets out a huge yawn as he stretches his arms up and over his head. Their mouths all but hit the floor, and I all but run into a wall being nosey.

“How was practice this morning?” she asks.

“Umm, exhausting,” Chace replies, not trying to be overly chatty. I continue my way towards the door, knowing that if I stick around any longer my nosiness will be apparent. I decide to head out the back way of the building, walking the long route back to my dorm. It’s absurd the extremes I’m willing to go to avoid running into Chace. But it’s for the best. It has to be.

I drop my bag as soon as I open the door and kick off my shoes. Kenna is in her bed watching Netflix on her laptop and eating some ice cream. I grab a spoon and nudge myself next to her.

“It helps my throat,” she says, taking a huge bite of chocolate chip ice cream.

“Maybe it can help my heart.” I sink my spoon in to the yummy goodness that’s supposed to cure broken hearts.

“What? What do you mean? I saw Chace this morning when I was getting back from Mick’s. I thought everything was going good with you guys.” She pauses the episode of Pretty Little Liars and turns her attention to me.

“Well, last night he came over so we could work on our project. There was pizza, drinking, and sex.”

“Sounds like my kinda party.” She waggles her brows.

“It was pretty amazing.” I smile, but it falls quickly. “Chace is with Finley. That’s obviously not going to change. Not to mention when I woke up he was gone. Like he couldn’t get away from me quick enough or something.”

“I can’t speak for him. I don’t know why guys do the things they do. In my personal opinion, from what I’ve witnessed and you’ve told me, he’s just as torn as you are. But I do know he had practice this morning. That’s where he was heading when I saw him. So him leaving wasn’t because he didn’t want to be here with you.”

“That should make me feel better, right?”

“Yes. But if it doesn’t…” She holds out the tub of ice cream for me, and I gladly sink my spoon in.

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Chace

With my left hand stuffed into my pocket, my fingertips clench the paper tickets that have been weighing heavily on my mind ever since I got them.  Knocking on her door, I’m not really sure what to expect when she opens it up and sees me.  I just want to get back to where we were.  I want to move past the mistakes I keep making.  Most of all, I just want my best friend back.

The door flings open, and Quinn stands in front of me, her cheek resting against the door, the rest of her body hidden from sight.  She looks me over and sighs lightly.  I’m sure she doesn’t think I notice her disdain, but I do.  “What’s up, Chace?” she asks with a forced happiness to her voice.

I consider stuffing the tickets deep into my pocket and acting like I just came for a quick visit.  I could easily make it across the city to Finley and take her to the concert instead.  But it doesn’t seem right.  The Lumineers are Quinn’s and my thing.  Not Finley’s.  Going with Finley just wouldn’t be right.

I slowly pull out the tickets and hold them out to her.  She reaches towards me and pulls my hand closer to her face for further inspection.  She looks at me curiously, and I respond with a simple smile.  “What the hell?”

“Lumineer tickets,” I reply flatly.  “I bought them a few weeks ago.  Thought it would be nice for just the two of us to go do something that only means something to us.”

She lifts an eyebrow at me.  She’s skeptical.  And she has every right to be.  “Seriously, Chacer?  Think that’s the best idea for us right now?  To be spending a little quality alone time together?”

Unsure how to respond, I just shrug, hoping that the tickets will be enough.  That somehow Quinn will make her own decision without me having to form a coherent thought.  Deep down, she has to know that this is hard for me too, that it’s maddening for me to not understand why I continue to push the envelope.  Being with her and creating a storm around us and that our situation is dangerous.  I get that.  But it’s like a drug for me. I want to see how much I can manage to burn, smoke, and allow to seep into my veins before I get caught. 

“I don’t know what’s a good idea and what’s not anymore, Quinn.  And to be honest, I don’t know if I ever will.  All I do know is that I miss you.  So, just for tonight, let’s pretend that it’s just the you and me of last fall and go enjoy the music.”

Helpless, I watch as the wheels turn in her head.  I can see her weighing her options.  Considering the possible damage of both her choices.  Go with me and continue to muddy the waters, or don’t and risk losing our friendship even further.

She snags the tickets from my hands, and the right corner of her mouth turns up in a half-hearted smile.  “Give me five minutes to change and at least run a brush through my hair.  My neck, my back, my Netflix and my snacks have been my friends for far too long.”

I laugh through my nose as she closes the door.  I uneasily pace in the hallway,  noting the girls walking by me and staring.  I’ll never understand these girls that chase guys like me just because they think we’re going somewhere.  I’m a nobody.  A poor fool that makes mistakes and leaves messes in his wake everywhere he goes.  Move along, girls. 

Quinn pops out and locks her door behind her.  She pauses and smiles at me as she waves the tickets through the air.  She’s excited, I can tell.  Quinn has wanted to see the Lumineers since they first came out.  Even when they first started playing on the radio, she had to buy every single song they had out, and she played them on repeat for hours.  Eventually her love for them spread to me.  Finley tolerated our incessant listening and hour long debates on the meanings of their lyrics.

“You ready?”

She nods eagerly, her eyes full of sparkle, like they’re brimmed over with tears.  It’s my hope that the tears are ones of happiness.   But I can’t be sure.  There was a time when I could read Quinn like the back of my hand.  Lately it’s like she’s from another planet.  Somehow, I imagine she feels the same way.  I don’t even know what’s going on in my own head.

“Let’s do the damn thing then.”

We start walking with resolve towards the train station in hopes that we can find some sense of normalcy by losing ourselves in the music that has comforted us for so long.  I get in lost in my thoughts as we walk, and I almost forget that I even have Quinn with me when she speaks.  “Chace…” she starts. 

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for this.”

I look over at her and press my lips in a hard line.  It kills me that I don’t know what to say.  That she feels like she needs to thank me for being her friend.  This is exactly what I didn’t want to happen and I need to fix it.  But the reality is I don’t know how.  All I’ve got are my words.  “No matter what, I’m always here, Q.”

Taking a deep breath, she stuffs her hands into her pockets and nods.  We walk the remainder of the distance in silence.  I don’t know if there’s any coming back from this, but if there’s any chance, tonight is it. 

****

The train is packed.  Surrounded by people crowding around us, we are pressed together, standing shoulder to shoulder.  Yet it’s the most alone I’ve ever felt.  The tension is palpable and my purpose for this night has gone south before it even started.  I kick myself in the ass throughout the whole opening act, wishing that I could do something to change things.  By the time The Lumineers take the stage, I’m unsure what my next move should be.

It starts to sprinkle just as the lights go down and the familiar chords start to blast through the stadium.  In an instant I know that this moment is going to change everything. 

“Slow it Down,” Quinn says to herself, just loud enough for me to hear.

It’s her favorite song, and I know that paired with everything that’s gone on between us and the rain that she’s not far off from breaking down.   Without thinking, I move closer to her, both of us still staring at the stage.  My arm brushes hers, and it causes my skin to erupt with goosebumps.  My brain is screaming at me to stop, but even though I know it’s not right I can’t help myself.  It’s like I need another hit.  I reach out for her hand with my pinky and wrap it around her finger. 

“Remember when I was afraid of the dark?” I yell over the music.

She nods, slowly directing her attention from the stage to me, unable to find any words.

I lean over and talk directly into her ear.  “All of this is like that.  I can’t explain it, but I’m scared I’m losing you.  It’s ridiculous.  I’m petrified of losing you, and you’re not even mine.”

For a second, everything feels right.  But the moment doesn’t last long, and Quinn pulls her hand away from me before glaring in my direction.  Her eyes are full of confusion, and I immediately know that I’ve fucked up.  Again. 

“Quinn…” I start, but before I can finish she’s gone.  Pushing her way past the people in our row.  I sigh before following her, causing dirty looks as I go.

She gets to the concourse before I catch up to her.  I reach out, grabbing her forearm, which causes her to spin around and look at me.  Her hair fans across her face before falling and revealing the most broken look that I’ve ever seen.  “I’m sorry, Quinn,” I plead. “Come back and enjoy the concert.”

“I just…I can’t, Chace.  I thought I could, but I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because I can’t do this.  I can’t keep pretending that I’m unaffected by you.  I can’t be near you and act like everything’s fine.  It’s too hard.”

“Quinn…”  Her eyes well up with tears and they let me know just how fucked up everything’s gotten.  The lines haven’t just been crossed – they’ve been blown up, burnt, and have vanished without a trace.  “I wasn’t thinking.  I won’t touch you again, I swear.”  As soon as the words are out of my mouth I want to take them back.  I shouldn’t be making promises I don’t want to uphold.

“It’s not that you touched me, Chace.  It’s that I want you to.” A single tear falls from her eye, leaving a trail down her cheek, but she wipes it away just as fast.  “Thanks for the invite.  They’re amazing.  I’m glad I came, and I appreciate the effort, really I do, but I’m just going to go back to the dorm.”