Ceaseless (20 page)

              
Pagan stopped outside the campus food court and looked around. Was she looking for me? I knew she wasn’t looking for Jay
.

              
Are you looking for me?

              
She stiffened then gave a little nod of her head.

              
Meet me at the park across the street.

              
She didn’t respond immediately
,
 
but 
she turned around to look at the park. A small nod followed. I watched her walk that way and fell in step behind her.

              
“
Why can I feel you? Where are you?
”
 She asked in a hushed whisper.

              
She could feel me behind her. I liked that. Her soul recognized me.

              
“I’m right here,” I replied as I appeared beside her.

              
She jumped and let out a yelp. Then her startled expression turned into more of a pissed off glare. She picked up her pace and we were across the street and in the empty park in just a few more steps.

              
“What are you and why are 
you 
in my head and how did you sing to me last night and how did you just appear out of nowhere?” She stammered over her words. I knew she thought saying this out
-
loud sounded insane.

              
“I’m not human. You knew that once.”

              
Pagan threw up both her arms, “What the heck does that mean? You’re not human? I used to know this?
 You’ve got to give me something that makes sense, Dank.”

              
I wasn’t handling this 
well
.

              
“I know and if you give me a second, I will.” I assured her and she put both hands on her hips and tilted her head to let me know she 
was 
waiting for more.

              
I couldn’t tell her that her memory was gone. That was the only rule I had. They never said I couldn’t tell her I was Death.
 Well maybe they had 
implied 
it but they hadn’t actually said it. They didn’t think I’d be brave enough to tell her because it might put a hitch in my winning her love.
 The rules were I had to get her to fall in love with me again and choose me over her soul’s mate.

              
“
The song I sang to you last night. The one that upset you at the concert,” I took a step toward her and she tensed up. “Can you tell me those words? Do you remember them?”

              
“Yet you stay?”

              
“Yes
,
 but there are more words.  Do you remember them? Any of them?”

              
I needed 
her to remember something
. 
Something from our past to be restored.
 I’d s
u
ng that song to her wanting to remind her soul of what we’d had.

              
“You weren’t meant for the ice. You weren’t made for the pain. The world that lives inside of me brought only shame.
 
You were meant for castles and living in the sun
. 
The cold running through me should have made you run.
” She said the words slowly trying to understand them.

              
“Yes. That’s good.  Do you remember any of the other words?”

              
She closed her eyes and shook her head, “I’m trying.”  Then her eyes flew open, 
“Don’t stay and ruin all my plans
. 
You can’t have my soul. 
I’m not a man
.
 
The empty vessel I dwell in is not meant to feel the heat you bring
.
 So I push you away and I push you away
…
 Yet you stay
.”

              
“Does any of that make sense to you?” I still held onto the hope that she would remember something. 
             

              
“No. It’s very sad and dark. None of it makes sense.”

              
Sighing
,
 I ran my hand through my hair. How was I supposed to explain this to her?  “Do you know what a soul is Pagan? I mean really understand what a soul is?”

              
She scrunched up her nose. “Yeah, it’s what is inside. It’s who you are.”

              
I nodded, “And a body is the house for the soul. Once the body dies the soul is given another life.”

              
“So you are one of those reincarnation believers?”

              
No, I wasn’t a believer. I knew the facts. I shook my head, “No. I don’t believe anything. I know. Your soul is who you are. In this body and in the next it is you. It will always be you. I don’t get to have a soul, Pagan. This isn’t a body. Not like yours. It is 
me
. I can appear to humans and I can walk beside them invisible. I choose who will see me.”

              
“You’re like a… ghost? 
Because I’m not believing that.
 I touched you, I know you’re very real.”

              
Grinning for the first time since I’d started this conversation I shook my head. “No, I’m not a ghost. I’m who comes to take the soul from the body. It is my job to take the soul from the body that can no longer house it. I send the soul on so that it can be given another body.
”

Pagan stood there studying me carefully. I could see her mind 
processing
 what I’d just told her. Calling myself something she’d said she hated wasn’t what I wanted to do. I didn’t want her to immediately hate me because of my title.

“I don’t understand. What does that?”

“Oh
,
 for crying the f
uck out loud. I got to do this last time and I’m going to do it this time. It just sounds better coming from me,” Gee announced as she walked out from behind a tree.

Pagan spun around to look at her. “Gee?”

“Yeah
,
 Peggy Ann it’s me. Who else would be listen
ing in on this crazy assed shit?
”

“Gee, let me do this,” I said not wanting her here for this.

“
You can’t do this
,
 
Dankmar
. You should have kept your mouth shut. But you couldn’t. Now you’ve started this 
and 
you 
gotta
 finish it,” Gee turned her focus to Pagan.

“We’ve already done this song and dance once but I will tell you it was a 
hell
uv
a
 
lot more fun then. The drama was high and 
Dank’s
 existence was on the line. This time we don’t have to worry about people dying and shit.”

              
“Gee, leave,” I demanded. But Gee was one of the few beings 
who
 didn’t fear me.

              
“Sure thing. But first let me clear this up. Pagan, 
Dank’s
 actual title in the great big grand scheme of things is Death. When it’s your time to go, this is the guy who shows up.”

              
Pagan took a step back from me then another. She 
shifted her frightened gaze from me to 
Gee 
.
 
I waited for her to argue or call 
Gee 
a liar. She didn’t do either of those things. 

              
“Say something, Pagan,” I begged.

              
“Stay away from me.” she demanded then spun around and ran.

CHAPTER 19 

Pagan

              
I was afraid to sleep.  Miranda was gone. Gee was… Gee was 
an old friend
 of 
Dank’s
. I jumped up and ran over to the bathroom door and locked it on my side. I went and locked my room door too.  It wasn’t that I didn’t believe 
them
. 
Dank
 had talked in my head, controlled my sleep, and appeared out of nowhere. He was something. Accepting that he was Death was easier than thinking he was something like a ghost o
r
 wizard or god forbid
—
a vampire. Those were mythical creatures. They weren’t real. But Death
, D
eath was real.

              
Could Death be more than just the time a body dies? The soul has to let go. Is death called 
what it is
 because of the one who takes the soul? It made sense. I believed him. And I was equally terrified of him. It wasn’t healthy for a human to have a 
relationship
 with Death. He was the end-all. I wasn’t ready to die. I didn’t want to see him again until it was 
my time
 
to go. 
I hope
d
 
that wouldn’t be until I was 
very 
old and wrinkly.

              
A knock on the bathroom door startled me and I grabbed the nearest tool I could find. 
A pencil sharpener.
 Not very threatening.

              
“Open the door
,
 Peggy Ann or I’m coming in. It’s real easy for me.”

              
Was she Death too? Were there more of them? Did
 they all sing in 
rock bands
 or
 dress 
emo
?

              
“Fine. I’m not 
gonna
 beg,” Gee said as she appeared in my room.

              
“What are you?” I asked scooting back on my bed holding my pencil sharpener in front of me.

              
“What you 
gonna
 do? Peg me with a pencil sharpener? Really?”  Gee shook her head in disbelief and walked over and sat on the end of 
Miranda’s
 bed
,
 then jumped back up again. “I forgot about the action this thing has been getting lately. I think I’ll stand.”

              
“Please just go away,” I begged.

              
“First
,
 I need you to ask me about all those crazy
-
ass things you have going through your head. You won’t talk to Dank
,
 so talk to me.”

              
“Are you a death
 too?” I asked
, because I had
 to know 
if I should be praying for my soul and digging out those 
rosary beads
 of Miranda’s.

              
“Death is one being. 
Dankmar
 is Death. He has been and will forever be.”

              
“Why do you call him 
Dankmar
?”

              
“It’s his name. 
Dankmar
 means ‘famous for his spirit
’
. It fits. He used to only have the name Death. 
An old
 Irish lady gave it to him right before her soul’s departure. She said he deserved a name more fitting.”

              
His name meant something? Why did that tug at me? He was Death
,
 for crying out loud. “Why is he a lead singer in a band?”

              
Gee cackled with laughter, “That’s a damn good question. Even Death gets bored. Every few dec
ades he is something different. It all started in the first century when he became a Gladiator. The list is long but the ones that amused me most were when h
e was a pirate in the 15
00s, an outlaw in the 1800s and in the 
1920s
 he was a gangster. He found a music that appealed to him in the early eighties. So now when Death isn’t taking souls
,
 he
’
s a singer in a 
rock 
band. However, one time not to
o
 long ago he was putting an end to that one too. He had something else that filled his time. That has changed recently.”

              
“So Death just walks the earth? He has no other dwelling?” I was having a hard time wrapping my head around this.

              
“Yep. He just fills his limited free time with hobbies.”

              
“Then what are you?”

              
“I’m a transporter. I take the soul once 
Dankmar
 takes it from the body. I take it up or down. Whichever way it’s going. The ones that go up get another life. It’s pretty simple. Humans try to make it more complicated than it is. The creator doesn’t make new souls often. Only when so many bad have come through that his quantity of good is limited. For example, you’re a new soul.”

              
I was a new soul. How strange. People lived their entire life not knowing if they had past lives. Not knowing if they would get another. But I now 
k
new this was my first chance. 
My first experience.
 There was no past for me. This was it
; 
I only had future.

              
“Is it my time to go? Is that why you and Dank are near me? Are you going to take my soul soon?” That was my biggest fear. I didn’t want to die. 
Surely if this was my first life I would get more than just eighteen short years.

              
“Nope, Peggy Ann. You’re time isn’t up. I would be willing to bet you’re the only human alive that has an unlimited lifespan.”
              
“What?”

              
Gee waved me off, “Nothing
,
 forget I said that. Just rest assured we aren’t here to take you. However, Dank is fascinated with you. That doesn’t put you in danger. If he were to take your soul he wouldn’t get to keep it. He would lose it. The Creator would then take it. So, you are in no danger.”

              
I sat there letting all this 
information process
. I didn’t question it. This made sense. It was crazy as hell but it made sense. I felt complete peace about it. But there was one thing I wanted to make very clear. I lifted my eyes to meet Gee’s.  “I do not want to see Dank again.  Having Death as an acquaintance is not normal.  I realize I’m not in danger but I want to be left alone. I want to date boys who can’t talk in my head and take souls from bodies. I’d like someone who isn’t immortal. Dank is appealing. He’s hard to push away. If he stayed near me I’d cave in and let him closer. I don’t want that. So, please, go.”

              
Gee didn’t reply. She didn’t have a witty comeback or smart remark.  After a few seconds I looked up and she was gone. No goodbye. No Gee. 
And No Dank.

Dank

I’d gambled and lost.

Gee sat quietly beside me. She’d done what I asked her to. Pagan had made her choice. Even before she knew there was a choice to make. I would never be in the running. She didn’t want me near her. She didn’t want to see me again. 
I wouldn’t be able to walk this world unless I was working. I couldn’t deal with knowing she was here and I couldn’t talk to her. Touch her. Slipping 
the necklace
 she had given me I held it in my hands tigh
tly. This was all I had of Pagan—
t
he Pagan who had loved me
, 
who had accepted me for what I was
,
 and 
had 
wanted me anyway. I couldn’t exist with any reminder of her.  I had to leave my memories behind. I had to remember 
who
 I was and what I was meant to do. No more living in the human world.

              
“She wants me to leave her alone.”  It wasn’t a question. I was just trying to let the facts sink in. I’d do anything for her. I wanted her happy. She wasn’t happy with me. She didn’t love me. Would she ever be able to love me 
in this world where her life wasn’t on the line and she wasn’t fighting for it with me by her side
? I was beginning to see it was impossible. Pagan had fallen in love with me during a time in her life when she wasn’t scared of souls. 
When it all made sense to her.
 She’d needed me and I’d been there to protect her. Had she just loved me because of the circumstances? Had this been
 what the Deity knew all along?

              
“She doesn’t know what she wants, Dank. She’s confused and scared,” Gee said with conviction in her voice.

              
I’d like to believe that were true. But the reality was that things were different now. 
The bond
 we’d formed was no longer something she felt. She was scared of me. She wanted me out of her life. The Pagan who hadn’t lived her entire life seeing souls and experienced 
the things she had didn’t want to love me. The realization was the worst kind of pain.

              
“I can’t stay here. She doesn’t want me. I’m only Death to her.”

              
Pagan’s room was dark and her slow even breathing told me she was sleeping. I walked over to her desk and quietly placed the necklace she’d once wanted me to have because her love was unending like the Celtic knot
,
 on top of her notebook
.
 It was hers
; 
I couldn’t keep it but I couldn’t let anyone else have it either. This was Pagan’s. This was one 
memory of me
 that I could leave with her. I walked over to stand beside her bed for the last time. I allowed myself to watch her sleep. From the moment I’d first seen her I’d been watching her sleep. It was a peacefulness I only experienced with her.  She’d taught me that I was capable of love. She taught me to 
laugh
. She taught me what it meant to cherish something or someone completely. I would move on and leave her to this life but what we had would always be 
there
 reminding me of what I once had. When it came time for her soul to leave this body I would have to find the strength to 
let the only memory of me she would have be lost forever.

“Goodbye
,
 Pagan Moore,” I whispered into the darkness.

CHAPTER 19

Pagan

              I was afraid to sleep.  Miranda was gone. Gee was… Gee was 
an old friend
 of 
Dank’s
. I jumped up and ran over to the bathroom door and locked it on my side. I went and locked my room door too.  It wasn’t that I didn’t believe 
them
. 
Dank
 had talked in my head, controlled my sleep, and appeared out of nowhere. He was something. Accepting that he was Death was easier than thinking he was something like a ghost o
r
 wizard or god forbid
—
a vampire. Those were mythical creatures. They weren’t real. But Death
, Death was real.

              Could Death be more than just the time a body dies? The soul has to let go. Is death called 
what it is
 because of the one who takes the soul? It made sense. I believed him. And I was equally terrified of him. It wasn’t healthy for a human to have a 
relationship
 with Death. He was the end-all. I wasn’t ready to die. I didn’t want to see him again until it was 
my time
 
to go. 
I hope
d
 
that wouldn’t be until I was 
very old and wrinkly.