Celebutards (20 page)

Michelle Obama.
What’s the matter, Michelle? Did the White House food taster quit?

Michelle Obama really, really likes life in the White House, what with all the toadies and underlings scampering under foot. The mystery is how did she ever manage before life as Mrs. President?

Here’s what she said about her “current life” in the White House: “[It is] a very blessed situation, because I have what most families don’t have—tons of support all around, not just my mother, but staff and administration. I have a chief of staff and a personal assistant, and everyone needs that.”

She could have stopped there…or not…

“Everyone
should
have a chief of staff and a set of personal assistants,” Mrs. O gushed.

But wait, there is a punchline: These lines were spoken at a conference on “Corporate Voices for Working Families” in Washington. Working families who, presumably, don’t actually know what a chief of staff does.

Perhaps chiefs of staff for the spoiled First Lady in your life will inspire a new growth industry in a time of recession. Still, I have to wonder: Who does the laundry for the chief?

Janeane Garofalo
is an unreconstructed, unapologetic racist.

Yet the uncouth actress will never be punished, vilified, or marginalized, because she openly disparaged the one ethnic group that enjoys no Hollywood protection. That would be white people. Particularly, white people from the South.

What do you think would happen should anyone turn the tables, reverse the races, change the geography, and denigrate an urban person of color? The conservatives I know do not resort to gutter talk.

For her bold and unbridled racism—offenses that are sure to draw deafening applause by the American left—Janeane Garofalo is the epitome of Celebutardism. Given a forum to comment on the previous day’s tea parties, in which hundreds of thousands of conservatives gathered to protest President Obama’s tax policies, she had the gall to declare:

“This is about hating a black man in the White House.” Huh?

“This is racism straight up.” She was just getting started:

“That is nothing but a bunch of teabagging rednecks. And there is no way around that. And you know, you can tell these type of right-wingers anything and they’ll believe it, except the truth. You tell them the truth and they become—it’s like showing Frankenstein’s monster fire. They become confused and angry and highly volatile. That guy, causing them feelings they don’t know, because their limbic brain, we’ve discussed this before, the limbic brain inside a right-winger or Republican or conservative or your average white power activist, the limbic brain is much larger in their head space than in a reasonable person, and it’s pushing against the frontal lobe. So their synapses are misfiring. Is Bernie Goldberg listening?”

So there it is. Anyone who believes higher taxes would be ruinous to this country is deemed dangerous. Anyone who disagrees with any policy Obama might enact is racist.

Not just racist, but a “teabagging redneck.” That sure shuts down the debate before it can get off the ground. Which is the entire point.

I think I’ll have a T-shirt printed. “Teabagging Redneck Against Taxes.”

I wonder if Janeane would try to lock me up?

After winning the Oscar for
Shakespeare in Love
,
Gwyneth Paltrow
has been shamefully idle. (
Shallow Hal
, anyone?) Even her latest film,
Two Lovers
, co-starring Joaquin Phoenix, premiered, depressingly unnoticed, at the Sunshine Cinema on New York’s Lower East Side.

But Gwyneth, who moved to London after declaring, “We’re all going to die when George Bush has his way,” is far from allergic to taking home our money. Nor is the lady, bred in an exclusive Manhattan private school, opposed to reinventing herself in a curiously American kind of career: lifestyle guru.

Gwyneth has developed a website that is equal parts new-age philosophy, serious commerce, and whatever ramblings enter the star’s golden head. She is e-mailing related newsletters that recommend exorbitantly priced American restaurants—chef Mario Batali is a fave—push pricy products, and plug hotels in which a standard room begins at $695 a night. She’s also shilling for a yoga gym she’s planning to open.

The site is called Goop.com, a name based on Gwyneth’s initials, GP. It is heavy on Kabbalah musing with its mantra, “Nourish the inner aspect,” whatever than means. It even—hold onto your lunch—describes the very icky effects of Gwyneth’s personal detoxifying diet.

Gwyneth, who blames her age, 36, for the dearth of recent roles (Kate Winslet, Helen Mirren, and Meryl Streep might differ), has developed a site aimed appallingly at women who have the time, money and will to give up essential caffeine and shop all day—or rather, hire someone to shop for them. The
Toronto Globe and Mail
wrote, “Why is it called ‘Goop’? Perhaps ‘Any Old Load of Rubbish’ and “Learn from Me, Ungrateful Peasant,’ were both taken.” Even the ordinarily fatuous
New York Times
called the site “fatuous and a bit puzzling” in a recent piece, which sent Gwyneth into orbit.

She said in response, “I think the people who are criticizing it or criticizing the idea of it don’t really get it, because if they did, they would like it. I think that people like to stay in their box. They like people to stay how they are comfortable seeing them.”

Oprah, of course, is agog at Gwyneth’s post-pregnancy workout, which the faded star displayed on the O’s television program.

In the meantime, Gwyneth has signed on to write a cookbook. (Can you say, organic?)

Food is much on Gwyneth’s mind these days, a year after she underwent a “master cleanse” (lots of lemon water and little else) and was promptly taken overnight by her husband, Coldplay’s Chris Martin, to Mt. Sinai Hospital in New York. (She blamed a mysterious “gastrointestinal” ailment for the hospitalization.)

Her post-holiday cleanse this year was far less punishing, including chicken and smoothies, but no dairy or cappuccinos.

I never thought I’d read these words coming from the aristocratic Gwyn’s hand. But here is they are:

“If your bowel movements get sluggish, you can accelerate things by drinking half a cup of castor oil or using a mild herbal laxative. Bowel elimination is paramount for correct detoxification.”

Sluggish bowel movements aside, Gwyneth, who once declared America too dangerous for her kids, Apple and Moses, seems to be tiring of London. She whined to
Marie Claire
magazine that the city is too dirty, the weather atrocious, and the service not up to her standards.

“My husband thinks I’m way too obsessed with cleanliness and germs. I’m just like, ‘The street is filthy, could we take off our shoes before we come into the house?’ He used to imitate me and say, “Ewwww, oh my God!’ Also, the customer service is just rubbish in England. People are much more relaxed there, and things take forever to get done. They’ll tell you it’ll take two weeks for your Internet service to be fixed! It drives me mad. And I miss being able to get anything at any time of day. You can’t do that there.”

I suppose it’s time for Gwyneth to move back to America. But does America really need Gwyneth Paltrow?

Britain (and much of Western Europe).
Can a country get so caught up in lunatic political correctness that it ceases to respect human values and dignity? Can an entire land drink the Kool-Aid of enforced Islamofascism, to the point where every man, woman and child within its borders earns the cursed title “Celebutard”?

How about a continent?

Britain, our friendly neighbor across the pond, defied all reason and self-interest to advance the goal of sucking up to people who would kill Britons as soon as say “hello.”

They detained a Dutch parliamentarian, Geert Wilders, at Heathrow Airport and quickly shipped him back to the Netherlands. Wilders, claimed the Brits, constituted “a threat to public policy.”

What had he done? Condoned child sacrifice? Drunk American beer? Nope. Wilders is set to be prosecuted in his native Holland for “inciting hatred and discrimination” and “insulting Muslim worshippers,” in his 2008 short film,
Fitna
, as well as in public statements.

What’s the fuss? Well, in the past, Wilders has called for a ban on the Koran, which he compared to Adolf Hitler’s
Mein Kampf
. His film
Fitna
contains footage from recent atrocities committed by Muslims, plus it presents the passages from the Koran that appear to have called for the bloody killings. The blasphemous film has been screened in Rome (go, Italians!) but is having trouble seeing daylight in Britain or Holland.

According to the
New Republic
, the prosecution of Wilders resulted from extreme pressure put on Europe by the Organization of the Islamic Conference, which includes 56 Muslim states plus the Palestinian Authority. The OIC’s goal is plain: to make the world safe for sharia. And whether out of fear of its Muslim immigrant horde, or out of a deep-seated dedication to suicide, Britain is duly falling in line. This is a land whose union of university professors has tried long and hard to isolate Israeli academics and ban them from participating in research, invoking comparisons to Nazi Germany.

But the right to free speech pales against what the OIC calls forbidden “Islamophobia” that is practiced in modern European countries. Islamophobic activity, incidentally, can include opposition to illegal immigration and any and all efforts to combat terrorism.

So when in Europe, be careful what you say and what you think. The speech police are out to get you. The thought police are coming next. Wait a minute—they’re already here.

Abedi, Agha Hasan

Abraham, Lynne

Abt, Vicki

Abu-Jamal, Mumia

Abu Marzook, Mousa Mohammed

Academy Awards

Gore and

Moore and

Spielberg and

Streisand and

Access Hollywood
(TV show)

Addison-Wesley

Afghanistan

African National Congress (ANC)

Agassi, Andre

Aguilera, Christina

Ahmadinejad, Mahmoud

Aiken, Clay

Aldridge, Casey

Alexander, Jason

Al Hayat
(newspaper)

Alinsky, Saul

Allen, Woody

All in the Family
(TV show)

Alterman, Eric

Altman, Robert

Amanpour, Christiane

American Jewish Congress (AJC)

American Music Awards

“American Skin (41 Shots)”(song)

Angier, Natalie

An Inconvenient Truth
(documentary)

Aniston, Jennifer

Anti-Semitism

Carter and

Jackson and

Sharpton and

Soros and

Apocalypse Now
(movie)

Arafat, Yasser

Arkansas Democrat-Gazette

Armstrong, Lance

Ashcombe House

Ashcroft, John

Assad, Bashar

Augusta National Golf Club

Auto industry, and Moore

Baca, Lee

Bacanovic, Peter

Baldwin, Alexander Rae, III, “Alec,”

Baldwin, Alexander Rae, Jr.

Baldwin, Carol

Baldwin, Ireland

Balsam, Talia

Bana, Eric

Banda, David

Banda, Yohane

Barkin, Ellen

Basic Instinct
(movie)

Basinger, Kim

Batman and Robin
(movie)

BCCI

Beastie Boys

Beatty, Warren

Beijing Olympics (2008)

Bell, Sean

Berman, Paul

Bertrand, Marcheline

Bimbo Summit.
See
Hilton, Paris; Lohan, Lindsay; Spears, Britney

Bin Laden, Osama

Black Panther Party

Blair, Jayson

Blair, Katie

Blair, Tony

Bleiler, Andy

Bloch, Phillip

Bloomberg, Michael

Born in the U.S.A.
(album)

Born to Run
(album)

Bosnia, and Hillary Clinton

Boston University

Bowling for Columbine
(documentary)

Boyd, Gerald

Boy George (George Alan O’Dowd)

Brangelina (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie)

Brattleboro, Vermont

Brawley, Tawana

Breslin, Jimmy

Bridging the Divide
(Brooke)

Brinkley, Douglas

Britney.
See
Spears, Britney

Broaddrick, Juanita

Brolin, James

Bronner, Ethan

Bronstein, Phil

Brooke, Edward

Brooklyn College

Brown, James

Brown, Johnnie

Bull Durham
(movie)

Burk, Martha

Burns, Helen

Burton, Michael

Bush, George W.

Baldwin and

Brattleboro, Vermont, and

Carter and

Clooney and

Crow and

David and

Gore and

Madonna

Moore and

New York Times
and

Penn and

Rather and

Sarandon/Robbins and

Sheehan and

Sheen and

Soros and

Springsteen and

Streisand and

Bush v. Gore

Byrd, James

Calame, Byron

Califano, James

Callas, Maria

Camp Casey

Carpenter, Kelli

Carter, Amy

Carter, Earl

Carter, James Earl, Jr. “Jimmy,”

Clooney and

Couric and

Carter, Lillian

Carter, Rosalynn

Carter Center

Carville, James

Castiles, The

Castro, Fidel

CBS News

Couric and

Rather and

Celebutard, defined

Century Regional Detention Center (Los Angeles)

Chad, Lake

Charlie Rose
(TV show)

Chavez, Hugo

Chavez, Robert

Cheadle, Don

Cheney, Dick

Chesimard, Joanne

Chomsky, Noam

Chung, Connie

Ciccone, Madonna Louise.
See
Madonna

Ciccone, Silvio “Tony,”

Citgo

Climate change

Crow and

David and

Gore and

Hansen and

Redford and

Clinton, Bill

Baldwin and

Carter and

Gore and

Hillary and

New York Times
and

Streisand and

Clinton, Chelsea

Clinton, Hillary

Streisand and

Clooney, George

Clooney, Nick

Clooney, Nina Bruce

Clooney, Rosemary

Clooney’s Disease

CNN, and Amanpour

Cochran, Johnnie

Coleman, Milton

Color Purple, The
(movie)

Coming After Oprah
(Abt)

Confessions
(album)

Conner, Tara

Cook, Wesley (Mumia Abu-Jamal)

Cook, William

Cooper, Anderson

Cooper, Roy

Cooperman, Arthur

Costello, Rich

Coulter, Ann

Couric, Katie

Coz, Steve

Crow, Bernice

Crow, Sheryl

Crow, Wendell

Crown Heights riots (1991)

Cruise, Suri

Cruise, Tom

Cuba

Cuomo, Mario

Curb Your Enthusiasm
(TV show)

Current TV

Curry, Ann

Damon, Matt

Darfur, Sudan

David, Larry

David, Laurie

White House Correspondents Dinner and

Davis, Brandon

Dead Man Walking
(movie)

Dean, Howard

Dean, James

Debunking 9/11 Myths (Popular Mechanics)

Deceptively Delicious
(Seinfeld)

DeGeneres, Ellen

DeLay, Tom

Deneuve, Catherine

Dennehy, Brian

Denver Post
(newspaper)

Dershowitz, Alan

Desperately Seeking Susan
(movie)

Devette, Lee Ann

Dialing for Dollars
(TV show)

Diallo, Amadou

Diana, Princess of Wales

Dick Tracy
(movie)

Dinkins, David

Dior, Christian

Douglas, Michael

Dowd, Maureen

Down-to-Earth Guide to Global Warming
(David and Gordon)

Dubai International Film Festival

Duke University lacrosse team, and
New York Times

Duranty, Walter

Early Show
(TV show)

Earth in the Balance
(Gore)

Earth to America!
(TV special)

Easterbrook, Gregg

Ebert, Roger

Entertainment Tonight
(TV show)

Entertainment Weekly
(magazine)

Entourage
(TV show)

ER
(TV show)

Erotica
(album)

E Street Band

Evans, David

Evergreen State College

Evita
(movie)

Fabio Quagliarella

Fahrenheit 911
(documentary)

Farrell, Mike

Faulkner, Daniel

Faulkner, Maureen

Federline, Jayden James

Federline, Kevin

Federline, Sean Preston

Ferguson, Craig

Ferrer, Jose

Ferrer, Miguel

Fields, Bertram

Filegate

Finnerty, Collin

First Amendment

Florida recount (2000)

Flowers, Gennifer

Focus
(magazine)

Fonda, Jane

Ford, Gerald

Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act

Fortin, Madonna Louise

Forward
(newspaper)

Foster, Vince

Foxfire
(movie)

Franken, Al

Fratto, Tony

Freddy’s Fashion Mart (Harlem)

Frey, James

Front Page
(magazine)

Funny Girl
(movie)

Gammerman, Ira

Garcia, Andy

Garofalo, Janeane

Gaza Strip

General Motors

Georgia Rule
(movie)

Georgia Tech

Gephardt, Dick

Gibson, Mel

Gingrich, Newt

Ginsberg, Allen

Ginsburg, Ruth Bader

Girl, Interrupted
(movie)

Giuliani, Rudolph

Global warming

Crow and

David and

Gore and

Hansen and

Redford and

Glynn, Kathleen

Goddard Institute for Space Studies

Godless
(Coulter)

Goldberg, Bernard

Goldberg, Keith

Goodman, Robert

Good Morning America
(TV show)

Good Night and Good Luck
(movie)

Gordon, Cambria

Gordon, Scott

Gore, Albert Arnold, III

Gore, Albert Arnold, Jr. “Al,”

Gore, Albert Arnold, Sr.

Gore, Mary Elizabeth

Aitcheson “Tipper,”

Gore, Pauline LaFon

Gottlieb, Robert

Gould, Elliot

Gould, Jason

GQ
(magazine)

Graham, Stedman

Greetings From Asbury Park
(album)

Grenier, Adrian

Grist.org

Grove, Lloyd

Gruner + Jahr USA

Guantanamo Bay, Cuba

Guardian
(newspaper)

Gupta, Sanjay

Habitat for Humanity

Hackers
(movie)

Hamas

Hanks, Tom

Hansen, James

Hardball
(TV show)

Hardy, Oliver

Harper’s Bazaar
(magazine)

Harpers & Queen
(magazine)

Harpo Productions

Hasselback, Elisabeth

Hawkins, Yusef

Health care system

Clinton and

Moore and

Helmsley, Leona

Hepburn, Katharine

Herbert, Bob

Hermès

Heston, Charlton

Hilton, Kathy

Hilton, Paris

Gore compared with

Hilton, Rick

Hitler, Adolf

Hoffman, Dustin

Holmes, Katie

Horion, Kevin

House Un-American Activities Committee

Howl
(Ginsberg)

Huffington, Arianna

Huffington, Michael

Huffington Post
(website)

Hunger, The
(movie)

Hurricane Katrina

Gore and

Penn and

Hurricane Rita

Hussein, Saddam

Hutton, Timothy

Hyde, Henry

Imus, Don

Iran

hostage crisis (1980)

Iraq war

Carter and

Couric and

Crow and

New York Times
and

Penn and

Sheehan and

Springsteen and

Stone and

Streisand and

Winfrey and

Iseman, Vicki

Israel

Allen and

Carter and

New York Times
and

Pelosi and

Soros and

Spielberg and

Jackson, Charles Henry

Jackson, Jesse

Jackson, Michael

Jackson, Shar

Jackson State University

Jena, Louisiana

Jersey Girls

Jervis, Jane

Jolie, Angelina

Jolie-Pitt, Knox Léon

Jolie-Pitt, Maddox

Jolie-Pitt, Pax Thien

Jolie-Pitt, Shiloh Nouvel

Jolie-Pitt, Vivienne Marcheline

Jolie-Pitt, Zahara

Jones, Alex

Jones, Paula

Jordan, Kathy

Kabbalah

Kael, Pauline

Keller, Bill

Kelly, Raymond

Kendall, David

Kennedy, Edward “Ted,”

Kennedy, John F.

Kennedy, Patrick

Kennedy, Robert F.

Kennedy, Robert F., Jr.

Kerry, Cameron

Kerry, John

Kidman, Nicole

King, Don

King, Gayle

King, Martin Luther, Jr.

Kingsley, Pat

King World

Krauthammer, Charles

Kroft, Steve

Kushner, Tony

Landau, Jon

Landman, Jonathan

Lapine, Missy Chase

LaRouche, Lyndon

Larry King
(TV show)

Larson, Sarah

Late Late Show
(TV show)

Late Night with Conan O’Brien
(TV show)

Late Show with David Letterman
(TV show)

Lauer, Matt

Lazio, Rick

Leadership Academy for Girls (South Africa)

League of Their Own, A
(movie)

Lee, Burton

Lee, Hattie Mae