Challenging Depression & Despair: A Medication-Free, Self-Help Programme That Will Change Your Life (21 page)

If you needed any proof that other people are shy, just look at the proliferation of Internet chat rooms. Here we have hundreds of thousands of people sidestepping the nervous challenge of walking into a roomful of strangers. If you use chat rooms, you are hoping to ‘get to know’ people beforehand, so that when you actually meet them, it’s a done deal. Except that of course you may be completely deceived by an on-line persona and meet somebody entirely different from the person you imagined. This is because shy people can often fictionalise themselves, and present a front that is as fine a piece of acting as anything seen in a movie.

GO UP AND TALK

Let’s suppose then that you are shy, and that you would like to be able to talk to people you don’t know, and not wear a mask, and not have to pretend to be someone you are not. Easy – you just go right up and talk to them. So then we hear
another
set of excuses:

•
I’m not very good at talking to people.
 

•
I’m not a natural conversationalist.
 

•
I don’t have the gift of the gab.
 

•
I’d be no good at selling as I could never persuade.
 

•
Don’t ask me to network. I couldn’t do it.
 

•
I clam up at interviews.
 

•
I’m rubbish at chatting up the opposite sex.

These are some of the comments I heard over the years from candidates doing our Restart classes. I’ll tell you what I told them. You can be good at all of those things.

There’s a very simple technique you can learn that will enable you to charm people, chat them up, be good at interviews, network, get the job offers – whatever you like. Plus everybody will think you are totally fab. You just need to understand something that director Keith Johnstone told his nervous actors.

Dialogue happens like this:

1
A:
offers.

2
B:
accepts.

3
Then they continue.

I don’t mean an offer like ‘Do you want to buy a washing machine?’ I mean
A
might say something like: ‘It’s a nice day.’
B
accepts
by saying: ‘Yes, it is at the moment, but I think it may rain later.’
A
then
accepts
B
’s comment and
offers
a new thought: ‘I think you’re right, but it should be OK for the cricket match.’
B
might
accept
this by asking: ‘Oh, do you play cricket?’ and
A
might
accept
by replying: ‘Yes, but my son won’t try it,’ and so on. Agreeing to catch the ball somebody is throwing signals that you are willing to play. You throw it back. Game on. Or you can think of it like this: each comment that comes out of the mouths of
A
and
B
is like water flowing from a tap. If
B
turns off the tap, they cannot continue:

A:
It’s a nice day.
B:
No, it isn’t.

Or:

A:
How are you?
B:
Don’t ask.

Or:

A:
I hear you were in a fight down the Job Centre.
B:
Oh, it wasn’t anything.

This is ‘blocking’. The person answering is shutting down the conversation so that it has nowhere to go, like a train hitting the buffers. In theatre work, scenes spontaneously generate if both actors accept and then offer a new thought. Good improvisers accept ‘offers’ even if they are very weird, like
Why are you wearing that bloody uniform again, Doris?
The accepting improviser, immediately agreeing to go along with the idea, might reply:
Oh, don’t you think it makes my bum look smaller, darling?
As Keith Johnstone says, acceptors seem telepathic and supernatural whereas
bad
improvisers block and suppress the action. They are signalling: ‘No, I’m not interested, I won’t play, I won’t go along with you – I’m leaving you swinging in the wind.’

Good conversationalists – the ones who accept offers and keep the ball in play – appear confident, friendly and successful. They are willing to go on an adventure, even though they don’t know where the conversation might lead. Because they are open to offers, they seem interested in the other person, and that in turn endears them because we all like a good listener.

The golden rules of good conversation

1
Don’t agonise over what to say. Just jump in.

2
Accept by going along with the other person’s idea and then add a new thought. ‘Accept’ doesn’t have to mean ‘agree with’. It means be interested, be curious, be open, find out more.

3
Ask questions. This keeps the dialogue open and makes the other person feel appreciated.

4
Listen. You might actually learn something.

5
Look at the other person rather than at your feet or at the cat, or they may think you don’t like them.

6
Be willing to be nervous. Otherwise you’ll never do anything!

7
Try saying ‘yes’ instead of ‘no’ all the time. Get out of inner jail!

DOORMATS AND DIVAS

Another reason why those in despair feel that they are not socially successful is this. Whenever they try to engage with other people, somebody ends up
feeling bad.
They either get hurt and embarrassed themselves, or the person they are dealing with gets hurt and embarrassed. Depressed people tend to lack assertiveness. They behave submissively, in which case they get treated as doormats, or they behave aggressively, which means that most of their interactions are doomed to end in flare-ups and resentment.

Doormats have an additional problem that we noticed a lot in our training classes. If they behave submissively – and so get treated with disrespect – for long enough, they may eventually throw a temper tantrum that is completely out of proportion to the situation at hand, and these confrontations often end in abuse or violence. Yet, oddly, doormats and divas may be completely unaware of their own patterns of behaviour. Are you a doormat or a diva? See if you recognise yourself in the boxes below.

Doormat behaviour

•
Failing to stand up for yourself or doing so submissively and passively.

•
Saying what you want or believe in a negative, self-effacing or self-critical way.
 

•
Assuming the other person’s wants and beliefs matter more than yours.
 

•
Assuming they have rights but that you don’t.
 

•
Assuming that placating others is more important than you are.

Doormat behaviour achieves recurring defeats.

Diva behaviour

•
Behaving aggressively.

•
Standing up for yourself without regard to the feelings or wishes of others.
 

•
Expressing your desires, rights and opinions while disregarding those of the person you are dealing with.
 

•
Assuming that your needs are more important than those of other people.
 

•
Assuming that you have rights but that they don’t.

Aggression achieves wins but at the cost of being resented and disliked.

The assertive way is the balanced way. It is the behaviour of mature adults who have learned by experience that fairness usually works and wins friends.

Assertive behaviour

•
Standing up for yourself without apology but without disrespecting or disregarding another person either.
 

•
Saying what you want or believe in a straightforward and courteous way.
 

•
Recognising your feelings and requirements as well as those of other people.
 

•
Understanding that everybody has rights. They do and so do you.

Assertiveness achieves a win–win outcome in which both parties feel respected.

By mastering this even-handed approach to social situations, you will come away feeling more confident, less resentful, less downtrodden and less red-faced. You will have earned respect and paid it to other people. You won’t hurt them and they won’t hurt you. Now you can practise this wonderful skill with a friend! Here are some amusing and entertaining exercises to help you.

ASSERTIVENESS EXERCISES

You don’t have to do all of these exercises: choose the ones that appeal to you. Ask your friend to take the role of
A.
A can say whatever he or she likes. You should be
B.
Remember – do
not
be rude or aggressive towards them, no matter what they say, but don’t be passive either. PRACTISE BEING ASSERTIVE!

Exercise 1

A:
You are a very posh waiter in a very exclusive restaurant. You are not used to being questioned by customers about the food.

B:
You’ve just been served a piece of rare chicken.

Exercise 2

A:
You are a political activist and you have just walked up the garden path of B. It is crucial to get votes in this area.

B:
You are in the middle of something.

Exercise 3

A:
You are an elderly dear one who has been placed in residential care. Your relative has come to visit – in fact he or she comes every day, but you don’t remember it. So far as you’re concerned they haven’t been for six months.

B:
You are the lucky relative of the dear one.

Exercise 4

A:
Your company manufactures calendars. You are very busy.

B:
Your company makes strips of paper to stick over the days of the week so the calendars can be re-used. You are on commission only.

Exercise 5

A:
You are an American actor and you feel strongly that you are right for this part.

B:
You are a British casting director and you already have a British actor in mind.

Exercise 6

A:
You have a fish stall down the market but because of the new fishing quotas you haven’t actually got any fish. You’ve got some decent ham.

B:
You want fish.

Exercise 7

A:
You are the head teacher.

B:
You are the parent of a boy who has smashed up the school premises with a club hammer. He is otherwise a typically loveable teenager. You have been asked to see the head teacher.

Exercise 8

A:
You are the owner of a dog who has just peed up against the bumper of a very shiny Rolls-Royce.

B:
You are the driver of the Rolls, and it isn’t your car.