Champagne Kisses (20 page)

He had a strange look on his face, as if he was jealous. Then as if he felt he had to reclaim his woman, he quickly licked a few stray splashes of peach schnapps off my arm before puckering up.

He lingered as we swapped the plastic, but all I could think about was this chick beside me flirting.

As we mirrored tongues through the plastic, Parker and Anna chanted ‘Get a room’, so I sheepishly pulled back and let him move on to Lisa, which he did very quickly, before snapping his head back to me with possessive eyes and squeezing my thigh.

Instantly a look of disappointment shot across her face, which was pretty amazing as her regular Botox injections rarely allowed such emotions to be shown.

Looking like one of those latex sex dolls with her mouth gaping open as she tried to suck in the piece of plastic, she threw me an evil eye as if to say who the fuck does your boyfriend think he’s snubbing? Turning to an old boyfriend of hers, Adrian, she gave him
a
dramatic snog worthy of an operatic performance penned by Andrew Lloyd Webber.

As the group whooped and cheered, Robert pulled me close and in a serious voice said, ‘You looked like you enjoyed that.’

‘You’re a phe-nom-enal kisser.’ I rolled my tongue as I spoke, trying to distract him from my lesbian tryst.

‘No. I’m talking about your
other
kiss.’ He pointed to my gal pal like she was the scene of a crime.

I pulled a serious face and told him, ‘Yes I did!’ He wasn’t my boss, and he certainly wasn’t going to give me grief on my birthday.

As I reached for my glass, my lesbian fantasy next to me noticed I was running low on champagne.

‘Let me fill you up,’ she smiled before grabbing a bottle of Laurent Perrier rosé from one of the two ice buckets between the tables and topping up my glass to the brim.

‘Cheers.’ I raised my glass in a toast.

‘My name is Lucy, by the way. Lucy Ormond,’ she replied. ‘In case you’d like to know.’

Just then a very boisterous Neil tapped me on the shoulder and stuck a bottle of peach schnapps in my mouth. ‘Another splash for not paying attention,’ he said.

Thankfully only a tiny drop fell from the bottle, as it was as much as I could stomach. I returned to flirting with Lucy. The coast was clear as Robert had since taken leave for the Men’s in a huff.

‘I’m Eva Valentine. It’s my birthday.’ I gave her a coy look as I spoke.

‘I know, I was a big fan of your column,’ she gushed. ‘And you know what else? Our initials spell LOVE. It’s an anagram, Lucy Ormond and Eva Valentine. Cool, huh?’

Gobsmacked, I just raised my glass again and clinked it against hers. ‘Pretty cool all right …’

When it was Lucy’s turn to pass the plastic to me again Robert was still lost in frustration somewhere else so I took full advantage of the freedom. Instead of sticking to the rules of the game – not that there were any formal rules – Lucy peeled the plastic off her Angelina Jolie lips, grasped the back of my head and pulled me in close for a deep kiss.

I didn’t restrain myself.

I felt like I was in a movie.

So there we sat in the middle of this large group of mutual friends kissing passionately.

I felt like a porn star.

As long as she was kissing me, I’d kiss her back, I thought. But then the group went quiet. And I couldn’t help but wonder why.

Pulling back our lips made a strange popping noise that made us both laugh and eased the awkwardness of the moment. As I looked up I realized all eyes were on us. But the fun had left the group. No one was laughing or joking any more.

Looking at Parker, who was sitting opposite me, I tried to work out his expression.

‘What?’ I asked indignantly.

But he gave me no reply. His eyes widened and with an outstretched finger he pointed for me to turn around.

Thinking they must have organized a surprise for me like a strippergram I spun round on my chair with a big smile on my face.

But oh, how wrong could I be.

Instead of some greasy bodybuilder in a dirty fireman outfit I found an angry David Barron standing in front of me with overtly aggressive body language.

Shocked, I did what any three-year-old trapped in a thirty-year-old’s body would have done and spun back round on my chair.

If I couldn’t see him he wasn’t there.

Or maybe he’d take the hint that I wasn’t up for a chat and walk off?

No such luck.

‘Have you any shame?’ bellowed the voice behind me. I didn’t reply. I just sat rigid on the stool.

‘We can have this out right here or we can do it outside. Which would you prefer?’ I could hear the anger in his voice as it quivered when he spoke.

‘Listen, there’s no place for that kind of talk,’ said Neil, sizing him up. ‘I think you should leave.’

‘Well I think I should stay, as I’ve a few things I want to say to this bitch here who broke up my marriage.’

‘Steady on there, pal.’

‘I’m not your pal. Now get the fuck out of my way.’

‘Right, that’s it, you’re outta here.’ Neil signalled to
his
doormen to remove Barron, who had now started to grab at me and had managed to pull my hair.

‘I’m not going anywhere. Now get out of my face. I’m not leaving till I speak to that bitch.’

By now several of Neil’s security guys had pushed their way through the busy Saturday night throng and had grabbed hold of David’s shoulders.

‘We can do this the easy way, or the hard way,’ explained one of the extremely wide men.

‘Sorry, lads, there’s just been a misunderstanding. There’s no problem.’ David switched his tone immediately. The shock of seeing the bouncers reminded him of his manners.

‘Get him out of here,’ demanded Neil.

‘Who gives you the right?’ squealed David. ‘Somebody get me a manager?’

Neil didn’t bother explaining his title. His hired help had removed David from our reserved area and they were now halfway across the bar with him, heading in the direction of the door.

Extremely shaken, I was huddled in Parker’s arms, each of us as frazzled as the other.

‘It’s OK, he’s gone now,’ Parker tried to calm me with his powers of observation.

But I was unimpressed by his lack of support.

‘Minister for the obvious!’ I screamed back.

‘I’m sorry pet … I’m not very—’

‘What? Good in a crisis?’ I wasn’t taking any prisoners. I needed someone to vent my anger at.

‘I’m sorry …’

‘So you said.’ I shook Parker’s arm off my shoulder. ‘I was about to be attacked and you just remained glued to your seat. Thanks a million.’

With that I picked up my bag and stormed off to the loo, with Lisa and Anna trailing behind me.

‘You sure pissed him off,’ quipped a clearly delighted Anna. ‘Ha! I wonder did anyone get his rant on a videophone. We could send it in to TV3 news. I can see the story now: Publisher gone mad.’

I hadn’t the energy to scold her for trivializing David’s attack. He had really scared me. When Neil started to push him back I was almost sure he was trying to hit me.

I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t allow myself. Not with Anna still in the Ladies with us. She’d be sure to out me as a cry-baby. Not that she hung around long enough to see any tears. When she realized I wasn’t going to flip out and start bitching about him, she got bored and said she’d see us back at the table.

‘It’s your party and so you’re allowed to cry.’ Lisa could see the emotion in my eyes as she wrapped her arms around me and cuddled me in close.

‘Thank you,’ I snivelled, before weeping uncontrollably for the next ten minutes.

As I climbed to the top of the stairs on the way back from the loo, I saw what looked like Parker snogging … Wait, it couldn’t be … Was that Parker kissing
Robert
?

Furious, I stormed over and pulled the two of them apart.

‘What the hell is going on here?’ It felt like my head was about to explode.

Strangely cocky, Robert explained, ‘Well if it’s OK for you to kiss other girls, why isn’t it OK for me to kiss other guys?’

‘Yuck! You never told me you were gay.’

‘I’m not gay.’

‘I think you are,’ interrupted Parker, as he pointed to his pouted lips in his camp Austin Powers way.

‘No I’m not. I suppose you could say I’m bicurious,’ Robert rationalized as a smug grin rippled across his face.

‘Ha! I wonder how bi-curious your mother would be to find out your biblical habits? And as for you –’ I turned my hostility back to Parker. ‘What do you think you’re playing at?’

‘I was proving my point.’

‘What point?’ I demanded.

‘I told you I’d out Robert. I needed to prove it to you. Here’s the proof,
voilà
!’

‘Well thank you very much, Parker, aren’t you just a doll.’

‘Don’t get stroppy with me. You knew I was gay at the start of the night. I’m not the one lying to you, now am I?’

‘I’m not lying to you, Eva. I was merely getting into the spirit of things.’

I rolled my eyes at the absurdity of the situation.

‘Well I think this abuse is pretty rich coming from the girl who just had a full-on kiss with another bird,’ said Parker.

‘I had two, actually.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I’ve just had two full-on kisses with that “bird” and her name is Lucy.’

‘Lucy the lipstick lesbian, eh? She’s cute stuff. You don’t see many of them down the George.’ Parker did his best to ease the tension.

Realizing he couldn’t compete with another woman, let alone challenge her to a fight outside for my affections, Robert threw in the towel and left in a huff.

‘You’re both mental,’ I could hear him mutter to himself as he barged through a group of people who had been listening to the argument. By the looks on their faces, they were disappointed it was over.

‘My gaydar is never wrong,’ boasted Parker, chuffed at a job well done.

‘Ah Parker, how could you? I’ve never seen you kiss a bloke in public. Why did you have to do it with him, and on my birthday?’

‘I’ve done you a big favour, pet. I knew he was on my bus.’ He put his arm around me and started to walk me back in the direction of the others. ‘Now he’s out of the way, you can have loads more fun with your new VBF.’

Lost for words, I silently strode back to my friends. All of whom seemed to have visibly moved on from the drama and were back dancing on the couches.

Had I really been kissing a girl in public?

Did this mean I was gay?

I sat back down on my stool. There was no sign of Lucy or Neil.

Relief, I thought, taking a large mouthful of champagne. I was just reaching in my handbag for my mobile to text Maddie the scandal when a small hand slid around my waist.

‘I see your boyfriend has just left.’ I tilted my head to see Lucy smiling at me. ‘It looks like I have you all to myself,’ she whispered.

‘Listen, I’m not sure …’

‘Shhhh.’ Lucy placed her soft hand over my face to stop me from talking. ‘Relax,’ she purred. Her pride and confidence were overflowing.

Not sure how to react, I followed my gut instinct. ‘You’re dangerous,’ I told her.

‘Yes I am.’ She raised her glass of champers to toast the revelation. ‘And it’s gonna take you till tomorrow morning to find out just how dangerous I can be …’

7

‘YOU BETTER BEHAVE
yourself, or else I’m leaving the two of you at Malaga airport to be sold into white slavery,’ Parker barked at me and Maddie.

It had been a miserable Irish summer and he’d been desperate to get away to the sun. It was June and I was still out of work, which meant I was now completely broke apart from whatever odd jobs Parker threw my way.

The summer months were always considered silly season in print media circles because whenever you sent off e-mails to people looking for work, they’d bounce right back at you with the blunt message that they’d be out of the office for the next three weeks.

Thankfully my pauper status didn’t stop fun being had, as Parker kindly forked out the € 800 for my ticket. And although Maddie was one of the most successful models in the country, raking in a fortune with editorials and press work, he went and paid for
her
plane fare too, mumbling something like, ‘God forbid I show any favouritism.’

Of course that didn’t mean we were going to treat him any differently. Somehow we had been conditioned to expect such luxuries in life. I used to joke that every day was Valentine’s Day for me and that meant I deserved gifts all year round, but I can never recall when this spoilt behaviour began, since my mother was always such a controlling force.

But today Maddie and I were giddy with excitement, and had combined our efforts to tease Parker. As a double act we could be dangerous, but it was taking very little to wind up Parker today. He was currently having a mini diva strop because Maddie had told him his belt didn’t match his shoes and then I’d pointed out that his salmon shirt complemented the broken veins in his cheeks.

He was never comfortable out of his black uniform, bless, but every summer he made the effort to ‘Marbella-rize’ his wardrobe.

‘I don’t think there’s much of a slave trade in the south of Spain, dear,’ pressed Maddie. But seeing that Parker was about to throw another wobbler, I calmed the situation by saying, ‘Yes, but there’s hundreds of dangerous pimps’ and signalled to her to shut up.

As we boarded the 3.30p.m. Aer Lingus flight to Malaga, there were plenty of familiar faces also going out for some sun, sand, sea and sex.

To me, Marbella and Puerto Banus always felt like an extra suburb of Dublin, as there were so many Irish
with
property there. Sadly, many of them couldn’t give away the apartments and villas that they had invested in in the nineties – even if they threw in lifetime golf club membership or an around the clock live-in hooker, but, either way, it was still considered flash.

There were so many recognizable faces there that it was impossible to book a spray tan or a hair appointment without bumping into half the regulars of the Haven.

Normally I would have been there already to hang out and flirt with the rich Type2 boys from Dublin, who tell their girlfriends and wives that they’re just away on golfing trips. But since I had been out of work for ever, this June bank holiday weekend was my first chance at summer lovin’.