Chances Aren't (23 page)

"What?" Suddenly, I'm perky again.

"She asked me about you."

"No way. Really?"

"She wanted to know if I thought you were cute."

"You?"

"Yeah." She scoffs. "Just cause we don't want to climb aboard doesn't mean we can't appreciate the equipment."

"What did you tell her?"

"I told her I thought you were sexy and to go for it."

"Thanks." Smiling, I take a moment to ponder that before my smile fades into a frown. "Well one night with me and now she's convinced she's not bi. Now she's one hundred percent into girls."

"Wow, really?"

"Yep, it's a gift really." I frown. "Hey, if you know any women you're trying to convert to your side, have them date me and I'm sure I can help you out."

She laughs. "I might have to take you up on that."

"What about you? Have you ever been with a guy?"

"A few."

"And?"

"And it was..." She gives me a slight cringe. "…fine."

"That bad huh?"

She shakes her head yes.

"Well girls are really cute, all the parts and all." I give her a supportive nod. "I mean, I get it. If I were a girl, I think I'd be right there with you."

We share a wide eyed look before she rubs her chin seemingly in deep thought then says, "You know what you need?"

"What?"

"You need to get laid and not by a lesbian. You need to go to town with a girl who really likes dick."

"That would…" I shrug in agreement. "Take my mind off things."

"When I'm finished here I'm taking you across the street for a beer and I'll see if I can hook you up."

After four beers each at The Vous, we're both feeling pretty good. The bar is mostly empty, due to it being summer break and the fact that it's July fourth and most people are watching fireworks except for the handful of us losers getting drunk.

I top my glass off from the pitcher and look Karen in the eye. "What the hell do girls like? I've had almost twenty five years' experience and obviously I still have no idea how to do any of this well or even have a clue about what girls want."

Karen chuckles. "Twenty five?"

Recovering, I scoff. "I'm exaggerating, of course. I mean, I've… let's just say I've done it enough to know it's not easy figuring the whole thing out."

"It's pretty simple really."

I lean in close to her wide-eyed.

"First you've got to be a good kisser."

"Great." My face drops and I take a sip of beer.

"What, you're not?"

"No, I suck at that. My wife said—" I curl my lip and cringe before whispering to myself, "Jesus Christ…" I sigh. "I, um, just called her that." I roll my eyes. "She called me husband and, you know… We dated for a long, long time, so it was like a joke."

She humors me with half a smile.

"Anyway she told me so and so have a few others."

"Well, you can improve, I'm sure."

I shrug, unconvinced. "What else?"

"You've really got to listen to what a woman's body is telling you. They will show you through body language what feels good."

"Okay…" I'm sure I look like a deer caught in headlights.

"You also have to mix things up. Go down on her for a while then, when, you uh… put it in, give it to her hard then softer then change it up. Vary the angles then go back down on her, use your fingers— work the nipples."

I hold my head. "That doesn't sound simple."

"Who am I kidding? No, it doesn't." She stares down into her glass before looking me in the eye. "If you think lesbians have it easy, you're mistaken."

"Oh."

"Let's face it…" She whirls an index finger in a circular motion on one hand as she points down to her lap. "With a woman, it's a whole complex thing going on there."

Following it in my semi-drunken state, I suddenly feel sick and am forced to look away. I grab the table with both hands to stop from feeling like I'm going to fall off the stool. Moment later when I recover, I say, "Huh, that's what I thought."

We share a look followed by an awkward pause before I add, "I would think pleasing a guy is so much easier. Not that I've ever, um, you know…"

She nods in agreement.

I scoff. "A girl can literally pass the point of orgasm and she can't get back, I mean, what the hell is that?"

"I know, right." She shoots me a knowing smile.

"I've been there... you're going along, the moaning is getting stronger and stronger, she says — rub me harder, faster and then suddenly she's giggling and pushing you away."

"Uh-huh," she says.

I make a face. "A guy never..." Making quote marks with my fingers, I emphasize, "
passes
... his orgasm. He owns that shit, he doesn't let it slip away."

"Wow, you do know a lot about this."

"Tell me about it. I think no man has been closer to giving a woman more orgasms and failed more times than I have." I take a sip of beer and announce proudly, "I come in second a lot."

She gives me a naughty smile. "Have you ever watched a woman touch herself?"

"No."

"You could learn a lot from that. Some couples have nights of mutual masturbation where they just watch each other— take turns and really pay attention to where and how they touch themselves— it can be a great teaching tool."

"I'll have to remember that."

"But put aside all the physical stuff, because sex is really more a mental act for women. Sure, you can have a mind blowing one night with someone, but unless you connect with that person on a deeper level that will fade very quickly."

"Yeah I get what you're saying."

"Foreplay starts long before you ever get her naked. You've got to arouse her with conversation, through non-sexual touch and you've really got to listen to her."

"Listen, huh?"

"Yes, you've got to make it about her, not about being horny."

After taking a sip of beer, my jaw falls open and I stare straight ahead attempting to process all that. A few moments later I break into a chuckle.

"What?" she asks.

"I've been a complete idiot for all these years. I'm such an asshole."

"No."

"Yes, I've been a giant ass for—"

"You've only been dating a couple years." She shakes her head and waves her hand at me. "Don't be so hard on yourself. Most guys probably don't figure it out until they're at least in their thirties."

"Thirties, huh?" I shrug. "Yeah, then I guess, um, I've got some time." I run my hand over my hair, down to my neck and sigh.

Karen empties the last of her beer and glances around the bar. "Looks like you're not taking anyone home tonight, sorry about that."

"Not sure I was up for it anyway."

"Seriously, I thought you guys were always in the mood."

"No, I think I've disappointed enough girls for one holiday weekend." After we share a laugh, I say, "I'll probably just go to bed and pine away for Laura. That'll be fun."

"You're a good guy. Hang in there. There's a girl out there somewhere for you."

"Yeah, but I think I'm running out of time."

"You're crazy. It's not like you're some single balding middle aged loser."

"Yeah…" I drain the last of my beer. "It's, uh, not like that at all." I drop my head into my hand and sigh.

A few minutes later we leave the bar and Karen lights up a cigarette as we walk to her car, which happens to be parked on the street in front of the frat house. Standing on the sidewalk, she leans back on her door and takes a puff. "Don't waste this time in your life chasing some girl who's not interested."

"I won't." Suddenly, I hear laughter and I turn to find Alan and young Ben heading toward us from the parking area behind the house. I take half a step right and move toward Karen in order to block her view as I wave my hand behind my back in an attempt to alert them to shut the hell up and get away.

Karen says, "I know this other bar where I'm pretty sure I can—"

Apparently oblivious to my warning Alan and young Ben's laughter and chit chat grows louder and I announce, "It's late."

"Huh?" Karen tilts her head to look around me seemingly curious as to the source of the loud talking and I panic. I lean in and kiss her, while still waving one hand behind my back, just as she's bringing the cigarette to her lips. She holds perfectly still, with the cigarette hanging off to the side not kissing me back at all and I hear the noise behind screech to a halt then seconds later hurried footsteps on the porch.

Pulling away from her, I step back and cringe, embarrassed. "Sorry."

"That was weird." She tosses her cigarette to the ground and grinds her foot over it. "Did you think I meant me when I said there are other women out there for you?"

"Uh, no, I did a semester in France and that's how they, um, you know, say goodnight."

"Oh." She shoots me an odd look and moves to the driver's side of the car. "Okay, I'll see you on Tuesday then."

"Sure."

"Ben?"

"Yeah?"

"You're right, that kiss needs a little work."

"Okay, thanks." I nod in agreement, turn on my heels and head toward the house.

I burst into the room and find Alan and my evil twin drinking a beer. Looking at them gape mouthed, I raise my palms in the air.

"What is it?" Ben asks.

"You guys ditched me."

"Uh, yeah," Ben replies.

"Why?"

"A better question might be why are you making out with our boss instead of off having non-stop wild sex with the love of your life Laura?"

"I was not making out with Karen."

Alan plops down onto the beanbag chair. "That's what it looked like to us."

"Look, I was trying to make sure she didn't see the both of us together."

"Uh-huh…" Ben takes a sip of beer and gives me tired look. "So where's Laura?"

"She's at her house, I think."

"Did you see her?"

"I did."

"And?"

"Yeah, what happened super-stud," Alan says.

"She's, uh… she's going through a lot right now."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Ben holds back a laugh.

"It means we still have a chance. That's what it means."

Ben scoffs. "Great. You keep working on that." He turns to Alan and they share a smile.

"What was that?" I ask.

"Nothing."

"Seriously, what's going on?"

"It's just that Emily's amazing. If you want to go after Laura, knock yourself out, but just stay out of my way because I'm going to see her again."

"That's not a good idea."

"Well, I'm seeing her again tomorrow and she invited me to her house for dinner on Sunday." Ben sits on the bed and shoots me a smug look.

"No." Falling to my knees, I put my hands together. "You cannot go to her house for dinner."

"Why?" He looks at me like I'm out of my mind.

"Just promise me you won't go."

"Screw you." Ben turns to Alan and they share a wide-eyed look. "Can you believe him?"

"You're really a pain in the ass, future Ben," Alan says.

"Stay out of this Alan." I rise to my feet and glare at him.

"Why shouldn't I go to dinner? What horrible thing happens if I go to dinner? They're Italian and I love Italian food. Emily was telling me all about it. It sounds incredible."

"You want to know what happens." I look him in the eye.

"Yeah, I do."

"Well, I'll tell you..." I curl my lip, struggling to come up with a plausible lie. "I, she… she… Everyone gets food poisoning." I nod semi-convincingly.

"No way," Ben says.

"Uh-huh and her grandfather throws up right on you."

"Get the fuck out of here." Ben rolls his eyes before taking a sip of beer. "What really happens?"

Defeated, I tilt my head back and close my eyes, letting out a long slow breath. "The food is amazing and it's going to cloud your judgment about this whole situation."

"Okay..." Ben gives me a sarcastic sneer. "You know, I'm getting sick of this whole thing." He waves me away with his hand. "When are you going back to wherever the hell you came from?"

"I don't know." I sigh. "Can't you just humor me and stay away from her. You'll meet someone else, I'm sure of it."

"You were also sure Laura was crazy about me."

"Okay, maybe I was a little wrong about that."

"Uh-huh. Like I said, stay out of my way. I finally have an attractive girl who's interested in me— I mean, like really likes me and you want me to stop seeing her."