Chanel Bonfire (31 page)

My sister dropped out of college, cashed in what was left of her trust fund, and made an award-winning documentary about pilgrims to Elvis’s home, Graceland. She later moved to New York, waitressed, put herself through Hunter College, managed restaurants, and now works as a freelance writer.

I dropped out of film school and returned to acting, performing on Broadway, off-Broadway, and in regional theater across the country, including at the Guthrie. I married a screenwriter and live in Los Angeles with our two children.

My father walked me down the aisle and gave me away on my wedding day. He held both my children in his arms. He passed away at the age of sixty-three, surrounded by his wife, children, and stepchildren.

My mother was found dead in her apartment in Concord, New Hampshire, by the fire department after she had failed
to appear at a chemotherapy appointment. She had been dead for four days. Although she had been diagnosed with colon cancer the year before, she’d instructed those nearest her not to contact me. When I discovered that she had died, her body had been in the morgue unclaimed for over three weeks. She was sixty-seven.

The police report stated that she had died in bed, watching the History Channel in her nightgown. It was blue.

acknowledgments

Enormous heartfelt thanks to my agent, Robert Guinsler, who saw something and said so. His Herculean enthusiasm for and undaunted belief in my book made this all happen. I feel lucky to have found him.

I am most grateful to my editor, Tricia Boczkowski, who gently pushed me to ask hard questions of the story, and whose almost clairvoyant understanding and fabulous sense of humor often made me feel as if she were finishing my sentences. Thanks to Alexandra Lewis, for her smart, fresh perspective, and coolheaded, calm answers to my sometimes frantic pleas for help.

Thanks to Simon & Schuster and Gallery Books, especially Louise Burke, Jen Bergstrom, and Kara Cesare, for embracing the book and running with it. To Eric Rayman for helping me change the names of the not-so-innocent.

The Menocal family for their permission to use my mother’s portrait, and to Lisa Litwack for the astonishing cover art she created.

To my first readers: Aviva Erlich, Sara Eckel, Nancy Woodruff, Elizabeth Thomas, Bill Madison, Katherine Heiny, Samantha Alderson, and Meghan Daum.

Mark Rotella, Paul Elie, Stephen Morrow, Samantha Peale, Stefan Fatsis, Sophia Nardin, George Scott, Lisa Lou Banes, and Kathryn Kranhold, who were early champions of the book, and encouraged and emboldened me by trying to help find a home for it.

To my dear friends Dee LaDuke, Mark Brown, and Bob Cesario, who appeared at the dawn of this process and never stopped believing in me.

Jenny Ott, my oldest and best friend, for her unconditional love, fabulous food, and a spare room in New York while I worked on the manuscript.

To my father-in-law and mother-in-law, George and Diane Kidd, who welcomed me into their family many years ago like a daughter, and who have been there for the difficult times when I needed help most of all. Ellen, Stephen, and Nancy Kidd for their loving support.

I am beholden to Mary and Allen Welch, for their help in locating my mother’s body.

My children, Harry and Grace, for their love and patience, and for giving me the chance to have a happy childhood after all, by giving one to them. You two are my heart.

Most of all, I am deeply grateful to my amazing husband, David Kidd, who always believed I could write this book, even when I wasn’t sure. His unwavering love, assistance, wisdom, and faith in me literally brought this book into being. I love him more than words can express, and I could not have done it without him.

Chanel Bonfire: A Memoir
Wendy Lawless
Reading Group Guide

Introduction

In this strikingly honest memoir, actress Wendy Lawless shares the often-heartbreaking story of her childhood with an alcoholic and suicidal mother—equal parts Holly Golightly and Mommie Dearest—and the extraordinary resilience that allowed her to rise above it all.

Topics & Questions for Discussion

1. Why do you suppose Wendy Lawless chose to open
Chanel Bonfire
with her mother’s first suicide attempt? What does this scene reveal about Georgann, as well as about nine-year-old Wendy and her younger sister, Robin?

2. When Wendy and Robin were children, Georgann told them about her abusive upbringing in the form of a bedtime story. Did knowing about her traumatic past make you more sympathetic? Why or why not? Do you think Georgann had any redeeming qualities as a mother? How do you think Wendy and Robin would answer this question?

3. Why did Wendy decide to contact her father after not seeing him for a decade? Given the circumstances, do you think James Lawless gave up too easily on trying to be involved in his daughters’ lives? Why or why not?

4. Refusing to speak to her daughters for extended periods of time was Georgann’s
“most effective tactic.”
Why was this form of punishment even more devastating for Wendy than being spanked with a hairbrush or sent to bed without supper?

5. In what ways is role-playing a theme in
Chanel Bonfire
? What motivated Georgann to frequently reinvent herself? Why did her transformations typically coincide with a move to a new town or city?

6. Discuss Wendy and Robin’s relationship and how it changed in their teen years.
“Robin had fully evolved into the defiant one”
, says Wendy. What role did Wendy play in their sibling dynamic? Did their relationship remind you of any of your own personal relationships?

7.
“I loved just being at the theater, the way it smelled, looked, and made me feel”
, says Wendy. What did the theater and performing represent to Wendy? How much of her desire to act had to do with her father?

8. In hindsight, Wendy had misgivings about leaving Robin alone in the “Snake Pit” with their mother when she moved into the college dorm. Was she right or wrong to leave her sister alone with Georgann? Why did Wendy later decide to move back in with her mother? How did being in the house with Georgann affect her?

9. Dr. Keylor gave Wendy a list of symptoms for a clinical diagnosis called “Cluster B,” which the therapist believed applied to Georgann. Why did having this information give Wendy a sense of relief and make her feel as if she has made an
“amazing discovery”
?

10. Re-read the scene
where Michael offered advice to Wendy
using salt and peppershakers as props. How did he make her see her relationship with her mother in a different way?

11. Wendy’s high school drama teacher, Mr. Valentine, suggested she audition for university acting programs.
Who else offered encouragement to her throughout the years? Why did Pop continue to provide some financial and emotional support to Wendy and Robin even after his divorce from Georgann?

12. Wendy’s college roommate, Julie, once asked if she had “ever tried just talking” to her mother. Before reading
Chanel Bonfire
, would you have been inclined to offer similar advice to someone in a situation like Wendy’s? How about after reading this book?

13. What is your opinion of Wendy as a narrator and how she tells her story? Why do you think she was able to stay grounded in the midst of such a chaotic and frightening upbringing?

14. Why did you choose
Chanel Bonfire
for your book club discussion? What are your overall thoughts about the book? How does it compare to other memoirs your group has read?

Enhance Your Book Club

1. Wendy enjoys the camaraderie while she’s working at Joyce Chen. Host your book club discussion at a Chinese restaurant, order takeout, or whip up your own Chinese food feast.

2. Put together a
Chanel Bonfire
soundtrack and play it as background music during your book club gathering. Songs mentioned in the memoir include “Allison” by Elvis Costello, “In My Life” by The Beatles, “That’s the Way of the World” by Earth, Wind & Fire, and “Sweet and Innocent” by Donny Osmond. Be sure to include something by Elton John, who Wendy once tripped accidentally outside a concert venue.

3. If you enjoyed
Chanel Bonfire
, consider adding another memoir about trying childhoods to your discussion line-up, such as
The Glass Castle
by Jeannette Walls,
Love Child
by Allegra Huston, or
Daugher of the Ganges
by Asha Miro.

4. Test your memory. Have each member bring a childhood photograph to the meeting. Discuss how much or how little you remember about the time it was taken.

A Conversation with Wendy Lawless

1. Why did you decide to write a book about your childhood experiences? Was there a “light bulb moment” when you knew you wanted to share your story?

I had been telling the story anecdotally for years—to make people laugh, or to shock or entertain, or to somehow pay them back for the expensive meal they were buying me! And often, people would urge me to write it down, write a book, a memoir. But I was afraid. I knew the story was so much sadder and uglier than the jokes I had told about it. And honestly, there were parts of it I wasn’t eager to relive. It’s one thing to be glib and toss out a line like “My mother tried to run me over with the car.” It’s something else to remember it in detail and the circumstances and the emotions and feelings from the actual event. So I didn’t. I was acting full time on the stage in New York and married and then had a baby. My life was busy and full and I didn’t feel the need to go back.

Then, by the time my second child had come along, we were living in Los Angeles and I’d fallen out of love with acting so I decided to stop, except for an occasional commercial, and be at home with the kids full time. And while I didn’t miss the business of acting I did miss having a creative outlet, so I started to write. People always say you should write what you know, so I looked around the playgrounds where I spent a lot of my time, mostly alone because all the other kids seemed to be there with their nannies, and I wrote about that. They were all just short pieces, essays, about my kids, and being a mom in Hollywood, and being a mom who was raised by a mom who was nuts.

And after writing and thinking about these things for a while, I realized I couldn’t ignore the fact that everything I was doing, with my life and my kids, was to not be like my mother. I had thought that I’d completely severed that part of my life from this, the past from the present, but now I couldn’t ignore the fact that it still had a profound effect on me. It was an epiphany of sorts, and it came to me while sitting at a stop sign, and I started writing
Chanel Bonfire
that day, in the car.

2. What would you like people who have not yet read
Chanel Bonfire
to know about the book?

That it’s a horrible and horribly funny story of two girls, sisters, who survive the shipwreck of their childhood, without a road map or a how-to-manual. And that it has a happy ending.

I don’t think it ruins things to know that. The story is scary enough and perhaps, for some people, close to home, that I don’t worry that knowing things turn out for some of us will hurt their reading experience. I hope that reading the book may help some people come to terms with their own childhoods or recognize that their survival is a triumph they can cherish. And for younger people who may be struggling in similar situations that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that they can make it. And someday even laugh about it.

3. Did you read other memoirs while you were writing your own? If so, which ones did you find particularly inspiring or memorable?

I re-read
Running With Scissors
, I love his bravery and honesty. He really puts himself out there, and you feel guilty laughing but the book is so funny and dark at the same time. I found
The Glass Castle
deeply moving. The opening image of that book, where the author drives in a limo past her own mother dressed in rags, rummaging through a dumpster, punched me in the stomach right away. That was always how I thought my mother would end up, on the streets.

4. Your sister is featured prominently in the book. What was her reaction to being portrayed in print?

At first, before I was finished, she was upset, and didn’t understand why I was writing the book. But she did send me pictures and some of her memories which were helpful because our mother destroyed almost all the pictures of our childhood and adolescence and actually cut us out of the ones she did keep.

When she did start reading the full manuscript, she emailed me along the way at the very beginning and told me how much she was liking it. But it was uncomfortable for her when she reached the scenes of big emotional events and had to view them from someone else’s point of view. Everything wasn’t exactly the way she had remembered it. In some cases I was able to make scenes better with details she provided. But it was still strange and disorienting for her to read about her own life through my eyes—to be in a character in someone else’s book. That’s understandable, I think.

In the end, she told me she was glad I had written our story.

5. One of the most compelling aspects of the book is your honesty. Were you ever tempted to hold back on revealing certain details that were painful to dredge up or that you thought might portray you or your sister in a less-than-flattering light?

I actually did leave out some of the more gruesome details from my mother’s childhood. There are certain things she told me (When I was way too young to hear them, of course!) that will probably haunt me forever. I omitted them because I didn’t want the book to be too dark, or miserable. Other than that, no, I didn’t leave anything out. I really believe that the truth can’t hurt you, because it’s the truth.

6. Why did you decide on
Chanel Bonfire
as the title? How does it reflect the book? Were any other titles ever considered?