Change of Heart (9 page)

“I had no idea you felt that way,” he finally says, breaking the peaceful silence.

“I’m sorry, Decker.” Not knowing which part he’s talking about. The part where I’d said I loved him or about how angry I’d been with him. Well, I know he at least heard that part.

“Don’t be sorry. It’s how you felt. How you feel.”

“I’m not apologizing for my feelings, just my delivery.” And that’s the truth. I will always love Decker. He’ll always be my first love and my best friend. I’ll never apologize for that. And I’m not pissed at him anymore—I had forgiven him for everything the moment I’d arrived in California alone. Hell, I forgave him before I even crossed the first state line.

He chuckles. “Roger that. I just wish you would have told me you were upset with me. You never held that shit back, Case. I knew something was up with you that summer, but I figured if you were mad at me, you would have given me hell. You never let things like that fester.” So he must not have heard the love stuff. He would have been all over that if he had. It’s so much better that he hadn’t heard that part.

I sigh. “I was trying to make sense of everything. Part of me knew I was more to you than all that. More to you than anyone else was. But the teenage girl part of me…she was so mad at you, Deck. She didn’t understand why it seemed you had two lives…one with her and one with everyone else.”

He’s quiet for a moment, then speaks. “I always wanted to protect you, Case. You were so innocent and unassuming.”

“Are you suggesting I was naïve?” I ask, stiffening in his arms.

“No, not at all. You’ve always been the smartest person I know. Even at college, I still haven’t met anyone as smart as you. And you aren’t just book smart either, you’re street smart, too. Maybe not bar smart, though,” he adds with a chuckle, trying to lighten the mood I’m sure.

I laugh with him. “Maybe not.”

“I just wanted to have something that was all my own. You were mine. Just mine.” Tingles run through all the important parts of my body when he says that.
Mine.
I wish I would have looked at it that way back then. I wish he would have
claimed
me like that back then. Might have made a difference.

“You never did share well with others.” I feel his smirk against my cheek.

“No, I never did.” He takes a deep, heavy breath. “My friends in high school were all immature, Case. You know that. I didn’t want you around the stupid shit they’d do. You were so good, so pure…they were always getting into trouble and just barely getting out of it because of their status on whatever team they belonged to. I didn’t want all that to taint you. You were just too good for all that.”

I hadn’t thought of it like that…I hadn’t thought of it from Decker’s perspective at all really. He had to have known from the handful of times I did go out with his jock friends that I wasn’t enjoying myself and that their behavior was a complete turn off for me from a fun standpoint. And the girls…don’t even get me started. I guess I can sort of understand why he wouldn’t want me around them. Aside from the graduation party, he never once invited me out with his friends. He could have at least asked. That’s what hurt my feelings. I feel like he hid what we were doing from everyone. Like he was ashamed. Sure we’d never talked about what we were to each other, aside from best friends…but still…was he just that insensitive to the wants and needs of women? Was I expecting too much?

We sit in silence for a few moments and, despite the knot in my stomach from my wayward thoughts, it’s a comfortable silence. It’s always been this way with Decker. When we were little and I was mad at him for stealing or breaking one of my toys, I was still so comfortable in his presence. I’ve missed that the past three years.

“I was so mad at you for leaving,” he suddenly says. “I think I actually hated you for a week.”

“Just a week?” I try to joke and fail.

He keeps speaking as though he wasn’t interrupted. “We were best friends. Spent every day together, most nights. We spent the night together and then you were just gone.”

Well
that’s
not exactly fair. He was gone first. He just up and left, like he always had. Ran off to do whatever with whomever.

“Well maybe if you were around in the morning, I would have said goodbye,” I snap.

He sighs. “I don’t want to fight with you, Casey. I just want to understand what happened. I know something was up with you all summer, and I was trying to give you time to tell me, but you never did. And then I had to find out like that. In a bar. With an audience. It just doesn’t seem right.”

“We made mistakes, Deck. Things probably would have been fine if we had stayed just best friends, but we blurred the lines.”

“Seems like we’re always blurring the lines,” he says, squeezing me between his arms for emphasis.

“Seems we are,” I whisper.

There’s a sudden change in the air as Decker nuzzles my cheek with his nose. Our breaths are heavier. His hands wander down my arms. Goosebumps prickle up and down my arms.

No. No, no, no.

This is
not
okay. This is
not
good. This can
not
happen.

I quickly break free of his hold and jump to my feet, nearly falling into the water in the process.

“I’m leaving tomorrow,” I blurt, facing away from him.

I hadn’t planned on leaving, but I have to. I can’t go through this again with him. Not now. If I stay, the lines will continue to blur and we’ll fall back into the destructive pattern we started four years ago when we shared our first kiss…right here on this dock.

There wasn’t a cloud in the sky and the stars twinkled brightly, despite the bright moonlight nearly drowning them out. The water gently flowed by in the creek and the crickets chirped, providing the perfect soundtrack and the perfect backdrop to our night.

Our parents were out of town at a banquet; they’d be out all night, trusting Decker and I to keep each other company and to keep each other safe for the evening. Sleepovers between Decker and I weren’t uncommon, and there was never any reason for our parents to think it was inappropriate. We were best friends from the age of six, practically raised as siblings.

Decker and I crept out onto the dock with some candles and a bottle of wine we stole from his parents’ wine cellar. They had seven of the same bottle so we figured they wouldn’t miss this one.

Things recently changed between me and Decker. He’d started looking at me differently. I know I grew boobs and all, but I still played baseball like the best of them. He didn’t like it when other guys talked to me at school and told them to back off. But he wouldn’t talk to me at school like they did, either. I didn’t think it was fair, but Decker said he’d always look out for me so I just had to assume he knew something about those guys that I didn’t.

“Have you kissed anyone, Casey?” Decker asked after we spread out the blanket and sat down cross-legged at the end of the dock.

I laughed. “No, Deck. Guys don’t want to kiss me.”

“That’s not true,” he said.

“Then how come I’m seventeen and I’ve never been kissed?”

He looked down at his hands, fidgeting in his lap.

“Decker?” I asked sternly. What did he do?

“I may have threatened a few of the guys on the team.”

“What?! Why? How?” I couldn’t believe he did that. No wonder guys never talked to me, let alone kissed me. I knew I was plain and all, but still. There’s someone for everyone, right? All those guys that talked to me and he chased away…

“None of those guys are good enough for you.”

“Shouldn’t that be for me to decide?” I cross my arms over my chest, downright pissed off now.

How dare he?

“I’m sorry, Case.”

“Hmmf.” I stared off into the water, ignoring him.

Decker sighed. “You know what? I’m not sorry. I don’t want you kissing other guys and that’s that.”

My eyes snapped back to his. “Excuse me?”

“You heard me,” he said, looking down at his hands again.

“Yeah, I heard you. That’s a bunch of crap, Decker. You can’t just run interference all my life.” If I wasn’t sitting, I would have stomped my feet.

“Wanna bet?”

I rolled my eyes. Arguing with him was useless. He was the most stubborn person I knew, next to myself of course.

“Whatever, Decker.”

He sighed again. “
I
want to be your first kiss,” he whispered, so quietly I barely heard him.

“What did you just say?”

He looked up at me. “I said I want to be your first kiss.”

“What? Why? Decker?” I didn’t know what to say. Where was this coming from? Decker wants to kiss me? Why?

“Because when I think back to my first kiss, I want it to be a happy memory. And Casey, all my memories with you are happy ones.”

I felt tears well up in my eyes. Well, if that wasn’t the sweetest thing Decker Abrams had ever said to me. And I’d be his first kiss, too? Gorgeous Decker Abrams has never kissed a girl?

He groaned at the tears. “Don’t cry, Case.”

“Happy tears, Deck. Happy tears,” I smiled at him.

He grinned that boyish grin I loved so much that always got him out of trouble…with me and every other female in his life.

“So you’ve really never kissed a girl before?” I still found that hard to believe, but Decker had never lied to me before.

He shook his head. “No. I wanted it to be special, you know?”

I nodded, “Yeah, I know.”

“So can I?” he asked, scooting closer to me on the blanket.

“Can you what?” He moved even closer.

“Kiss you?” I could feel his breath on my face, he was so close.

“Please,” I whispered, closing my eyes.

His lips brushed mine and I felt tingles all over my body. His lips were so soft, yet so firm. Suddenly his tongue was pressed against the seam of my lips. It was such a strange sensation. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do, but I wanted to taste him, too.

I opened my mouth and our tongues danced against one another. Touching and twisting, each sampling what the other had to offer. He finally put his arms around me and pulled me close to him. The kiss was amazing and seemingly never-ending, despite the awkward position we were twisted into. He eventually ended it with three short pecks on my lips.

As he pulled away we both opened our eyes. He smiled, so did I.

“Wow,” I said.

“Wow,” he agreed.

“Can we do that again?” I asked.

“Definitely,” he wasted no time, leaning in again.

Decker and I made out under the stars for hours that night. Never letting the other get too far away.

It was the start of something beautiful.

But it was also the beginning of the end.

“You’re what?” Decker shouts.

Shit.
 

Chapter Fourteen

Decker

I can’t even believe this shit. She’s leaving? Just like that. Again?!

“Talk to me, dammit!” I yell, jumping to my feet. She’s just standing there with her back to me, looking out at the water as if she didn’t just destroy my world a second time. I’m so pissed off right now I just want to push her off the damn dock. Wouldn’t be the first time either, so she shouldn’t test me.

“I’m sorry, Decker. I have finals…”

“That’s bullshit,” I interrupt. “You said you were going to arrange to take your finals here.”

“Well, I couldn’t make the arrangements. I need to get back or I’ll flunk.”

She’s lying. I know she’s lying because she won’t face me. Casey has a big thing about eye contact. And she’s never this emotionless…never this detached. What the hell is going on?

“Bullshit,” I spit out.

She whips around to face me. Finally. “Excuse me?”

“You heard me. I call bullshit.” I cross my arms over my chest, matching her stance.

“Ha…right…whatever. That just changes everything. Decker calls bullshit.” She shakes her head, sarcastically laughs, and makes a face like I’m the crazy one, meanwhile she’s the one stammering.

Casey Evans never stammers. She’s the most certain person I know. The most confident. At least she used to be.

“What’s all this about?” I ask, gesturing to her defensive stance and attitude. “I thought we were fixing things.”

“Right, ‘fixing things.’” She mocks, complete with air quotes and eye rolls.

What the fuck?
Pushing her in that water is looking better and better. I take a step closer.

“Casey, I don’t know what is going through your head right now because I can’t read your crazy-ass mind, but you’d better start talking.”

Up until that very moment, I had not been aware skin could turn that shade of red.

“I’m sorry, Case,” I say, raising my hands in surrender as I try to backpedal—and back step—but it doesn’t appear to be working. She still hasn’t said a thing, and I swear I can see the heat waves surrounding her head. “I didn’t mean to call you crazy.”

“I have to go pack,” she simply says. I’d wanted her to calm down, but she’s suddenly a little bit too calm. Like a veil just dropped over her entire self.

“No, please no. Please don’t go, Casey.” I consider myself to be pretty manly, but damn if there aren’t tears welling up behind my eyes at the thought of her leaving again. Because this time, I don’t think she’s going to come back. If she leaves now, I’m going to lose her forever. I can feel it. I’m not afraid to beg my long lost best friend to stay. I’m not above anything right about now.