Change of Life (11 page)

She was at the front of the house doing some weeding when I arrived and came to meet me as I got out of the car. She was dressed in slim-fitting grey trousers and a blue and white striped cotton shirt, worn with the collar up and the sleeves rolled back. Her silver hair was, as always, in an immaculate French roll. The blue of her shirt matched her eyes perfectly and she had little pearl studs in her ears. She took off her gardening gloves as she approached.

“Rosie, it’s so nice to see you. Your call was a lovely surprise.” She held her arms open to me. And she smiled her lovely smile – so like Tom’s. We hugged each other and I breathed in the scent of Chanel No. 5, a fragrance I always associated with her. It felt good to be embraced by this woman. It felt safe. She was taller than me, and in spite of being well into her seventies, she still stood strong and straight backed. Dr Evelyn McAllister was no little old lady.

She stepped back and looked me up and down. “You’ve lost weight my girl, and you look tired.”

“Yes,” was all I could say before those treacherous tears
started.
I’d promised myself I’d be strong, that I’d calmly relate what had happened and ask for Evelyn’s advice.

“Oh my dear girl – come on, come through.” She put her arm round my shoulders and guided me inside.

Having installed me in one of the comfy, chintzy, old armchairs in her sitting room, with a box of tissues at my side, she went off through to the kitchen to make us some tea. She left me with the instruction to cry my eyes out as it would make me feel better.

Evelyn’s two elderly spaniels were curled up on one of the faded, floral patterned rugs, snoozing in the warmth of the sun coming through the French windows. They’d barely looked up when we came in to the room. The windows stood slightly open, and the fragrance of Evelyn’s gorgeous Gertrude Jekyll roses drifted inside. Birdsong came from every corner of the cottage garden, and many little birds flitted from the trees and hedges to the feeders hanging all around. I curled up in the chair and, as the clock on the mantelpiece ticked quietly, I wept once more. I wept with grief for Heather and with sorrow for Robbie and for what Tom had done. I wept with shame for hurting my beloved Adam. But mostly I wept with sheer self-pity and fear. And then I could cry no more.

“I expect you’ll be ready for this now.” Evelyn reappeared with a tray of tea and cherry cake. She set it down on a large footstool in front of the fireplace. Then she poured the tea into pretty china teacups decorated with little pink roses. As she sat down on the sofa opposite and I settled back with my tea, she said, “Now, tell me what’s wrong, Rosie.”

So, once more, I related the events of the last couple of days. Lucy and Kirsty had been great listeners and had offered their support. Telling them had made it all seem a bit easier to bear. But telling it to Evelyn was cathartic. Even though Tom was her son, she didn’t jump to his defence, not even when I told her about my suspicions that he might be Robbie’s father - but neither did she condemn him. She listened in much the same way Lucy had, but with even greater attention. I realised, as I was speaking, how much I trusted this amazing woman. She was the least judgemental person I knew. Just being with her made me
feel
better.

Evelyn had not had an easy life. Her marriage to Tom’s late father was miserable and she divorced him when Tom and his brother were still children. Maybe her own struggles were what made her so compassionate.

So when I finished telling my story, Evelyn simply stretched out her arms to me. I went over and sat on the sofa beside her. She put an arm round me and I rested my head on her shoulder. I know it sounds daft, but it was as if I could feel some of her great strength seeping into me as we sat there.

After I don’t know how long, I had a sudden realisation. “My god, Max – he’ll be home from football practice soon. I need to get back!”

“Relax, stay where you are. You’re not going anywhere, my girl. It’s all sorted out.
I texted Sam when I was making the tea and she replied immediately.
She’s getting away early from work to be home when Max gets in. Although I’m sure he’d be fine letting himself in – Dan and Tom were latchkey children at his age.”

“Yes, but-”

“And I’ve sent Tom a text too, telling him to get home as soon as he can, as you are going to be staying here tonight.”

“But, why, how…?”

“I knew as soon as I saw you that you needed time out, even though I didn’t know the reason. So I hope you will forgive me taking charge - but it’s a mother’s prerogative.” All I could do was nod. Evelyn took my hand. “So what are you going to do, Rosie?”

“About what, about Robbie or Tom or the cancer?”

“About all of it, any of it?”

“Well, I need to get started on my treatment and I need to believe I’ll get better.”

“Yes, you do. Having cancer puts other things into perspective, that’s for sure. Tom and Robbie can wait, the cancer can’t. And you will get better. But you’ll need all your strength to fight that particular battle.”

“I’m scared, Evelyn. I’m really scared. I’m scared of losing my breast. I’m scared of dying if the treatment doesn’t work. And even if it does, how do you ever get back any peace of mind after this kind of thing? I feel betrayed by my own body. I don’t know – I suppose I thought I was immortal. Now I just keep thinking - why me, why now? The children still need me, especially Max. And Robbie, what about Robbie – I’ve missed so much of his life already - and now I might be cheated out of - out of…” I could feel new tears starting.

Evelyn put an arm around me once more. “It’s all right to be scared. It’s a scary thing. Cancer isn’t rational. Yes, you can reduce the odds - but nobody’s cancer proof. It’s not as if anyone deserves it. But it’s more beatable now than it’s ever been. You’re on a journey with it, Rosie. You’ll come to terms with it.”

“I don’t know if I’m strong enough, Evelyn. What if it’s spread?”

“Take it one step at a time. You’ll know more after your surgery. You’re a survivor, Rosie – like me – made of strong stuff. You’ve survived so much already. You’ll come through this too. And you say Lucy and Kirsty are supporting you, and you’ve got me. I’ll help in any way I can.”

“And Tom, what do I do about Tom? We said some terrible things to each other.”

“That will become clearer too. You don’t want to tell him about the cancer at the moment - and I understand your reasons. Of course, as Tom’s mother, there’s a lot I could say in his defence, but I don’t think that would be particularly helpful at the moment. But I do know he loves you and I’m certain he’s not Robbie’s father. I think, though, that you probably need some space at the moment. You can stay here. You know that, don’t you?”

“I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve you, Evelyn – you’re an amazing woman. And yes, I do need some space, and thank you for your offer, but I don’t want to put you in an awkward position with Tom. No, I have an idea about giving myself some time alone – but I don’t know if it’s really feasible. And there’s Max – I don’t think I can leave him. It’s probably daft to even consider it…”

“If you can’t be daft now, when can you? What’s your idea?”

“Dad’s flat – it’s empty at the moment. You know how Rick, Lucy’s brother, has the tenancy – well, he’s away just now. He’s not due back for several weeks. I phoned Lucy earlier and told her what I was thinking. I asked her if she’d contact Rick to see if it would be okay. She said I should go ahead and she’d let him know. She was sure he wouldn’t mind.”

“Mind what exactly?”

“If I moved in, temporarily - to the flat - while he’s away. But I haven’t really thought this through. What about the children? Who’ll look after them? I shouldn’t even think about deserting them should I – especially Max?”

“As I said, I think you need some time out. I think it’s a good idea. As for the children, three out of the four of them are well able to look after themselves. And have you forgotten you have an experienced mother’s help living with you? Get Sam on board. She was saying, in her text earlier, that’s she’s sick of working at the supermarket and she’s going to hand in her notice. You’ve got Ruby too, to help with the chores. Yes, Max will need looking after – but I can help with that. There’s only a month of school left. He can have sleepovers with you in the holidays. And there’s Tom. They’re his children too.”

“Do you think Sam would do it? I can’t see her being willing to take on the role of housekeeper.”

“Ask her.”

“And what about Tom?
He’s got his work.”

“Yes, and he’s fortunate he gets to concentrate only on his work. It won’t do him any harm to do a bit of juggling. He has responsibilities at home as well.”

“But how do I tell the children I’m abandoning them because I need some space?”

“You’re not abandoning them. You’re only going to Edinburgh, for goodness sake. They can visit you. You’re exhausted and finding out about Robbie has been a shock. You’re simply taking some time out. Trust them, Rosie. Trust them to cope without you. And when you’re ready, trust them – Tom and the children - to cope with knowing you’re ill.”

“And what do I say to Tom in the meantime? He’ll think I’m leaving him, but I’m not. At least I don’t know if that’s what I’m doing.”

“Then that’s what you tell him. Tell him you don’t know how you feel. That’s the point of you going away – to have time and space to think, away from him.”

“And you, you’d be all right with that – me leaving your son?”

“It’s not about me or what I think, but I believe it’s only by leaving now and doing what you have to do, that there’s any chance of putting things right between you. Tom needs to see he can trust you to make your own decisions and that you can cope perfectly well on your own.”

“So I should go ahead – move out?”

“It makes sense and you’ll be nearer the hospital for your post-operative treatments.”

“Well, there is that – but that’s a minor reason really – although I remember how grim it was for my mother after some of her chemotherapy sessions – at least I can spare the children from witnessing that sort of stuff.”

“Rosie, if you stay at home it will be very difficult for you and Tom to resolve any of this. At best, there’ll be a strained atmosphere – tension about Robbie, about your illness. At worst you’ll be using precious energy quarrelling with Tom, hurting each other more. No, I’m sure you’re doing the right thing.”

The phone rang. Evelyn excused herself and went to answer it. I thought over all that we’d said. I felt better, and marvelled again at what a wonder my motherin-law was.

She came back into the room. “That was Tom. He’d picked up my text and wanted an explanation. He also asked when I’d got the mobile phone.”

“Yes, I was wondering that too,” I said, smiling at her.

“I got it a couple of weeks ago. Max put all your numbers into it for me when I was last over at yours. And he showed me how to use it. I’ve been sending practice texts to Max and he’s been replying. I think I’m getting the hang of it now. It’s cool, apparently, that I have a mobile and it’s well-wicked that I can use it –according to Max. At least, I think that’s what he said, and I think he meant it as a compliment.”

“Oh, there’s no higher praise than to be judged both cool and wicked by Max.” I smiled at the thought of the conversation between grandparent and child. “And what did you tell Tom?”

“Don’t worry. I just said you’d come over for tea and I could see you were exhausted, so I’d invited you to stay the night.”

“Did he mention Robbie to you?”

“No, even if he suspects you’ve already told me, I don’t expect he’s ready to talk.”

“And he accepted what you said?”

“He seemed to. He’s going home now anyway.”

“I’ve invited Robbie to come over for dinner tomorrow,” I said, realising I wanted Evelyn to approve. “I want to let him know he’s welcome – at least as far as Max and the girls and me are concerned.”

Evelyn nodded. “Of course you need to get to know Robbie. Adam will come round. He’ll make sense of it all in his own way. But I think you should prepare him before Robbie comes to dinner– share your plans with him – make your peace. Don’t be too hard on him if he’s not ready to accept Robbie yet.”