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“Then why didn't she try? She'd have at least been here till now.”

“I don't know the answer to that, maybe no one does, I think your father asks himself the same thing all the time, but you have to go on. There isn't anything else you can do, as much as it hurts.” Pam nodded silently, and looked at Mel.

“I stopped eating for a while. I think I wanted to die too.” At least it was what the psychiatrist had said. “Mark thinks I did it just to bug Dad, but I didn't. I couldn't help it.”

“Your father understands that. Do you feel better about things now than you did then?”

“Sometimes. I don't know …” She looked desperately sad, and there was so little Mel could say to help. All one could do was be there for her. She had two brothers, neither of whom could be of much help to her, a hardboiled German housekeeper who offered no warmth at all, and a father who was busy saving other people's lives. There was no doubt that this child needed someone else, but who? For a minute Mel wished that she could be there for her, but she had her own life to live three thousand miles away, her own children, problems, job.

“You know, Pam, I wish you'd come to visit me in New York sometime.”

“Your daughters would probably think I was dumb. My brothers do.” She sniffed loudly again and looked like a little girl.

Mel smiled gently at her. “I hope they're smarter than that, and boys don't always understand. Mark is going through his own adjustments growing up, and Matt is too young to be much help.”

“No, I'm not,” a small voice piped up. Neither of them had seen him walk into the room. He had just come home from school, dropped off by the car pool he rode in every day. “I make my bed, I take a bath by myself, and I can cook soup.” Even Pam laughed at that, and Mel smiled at him,

“I know, you're a terrific kid.”

“You came back.” He looked pleased as he walked toward her and sat down.

“No, I just left a little later than I thought. How was your day, my friend?”

“Pretty good.” And then he stared at Pam. “How come you're crying again?” And before she could answer he turned to Mel. “She cries all the time. Girls are dumb.”

“No, they're not. Everyone cries. Even big men.”

“My dad never cries.” He said it with enormous pride, and Mel wondered if Peter played a macho game with him.

“I'll bet he does.”

“Nope.” He was firm, but Pam intervened.

“Yes he does. I saw him once. After …” But she didn't say the words. She didn't have to. They all understood, and Matt glared at her.

“That's not true. He's tough. So's Mark.” And with that, Mrs. Hahn came into the room, and dragged Matthew away to wash his hands and face. He did his best to resist, but there was no swaying her, and Mel and Pam were alone again.

“Pam”—Mel reached out and touched her hand—“if there's ever anything I can do for you, if you need a friend, you call. I'll leave you my number when I go. Call me collect anytime. I'm fairly good at listening, and New York isn't all that far away.” Pam looked at her with watchful eyes and then nodded her head.

“Thanks.”

“I mean it. Anytime.”

Pam nodded and stood up. “I'd better do my homework now. Are you leaving soon?” It was half hopeful, half not, as mixed as the rest of her feelings about Mel.

“I'm leaving for New York tonight. I';ll probably hang around here till about eight o'clock.”

“Are you eating with us?” She looked annoyed, and Mel remembered what she had said.

“Maybe. I'm not sure. Would you mind that very much?”

“No, that's okay.” And as she stood in the doorway she turned back to ask, “D o you want to borrow my bathing suit again?”

“I think I'll pass on that today, but thanks anyway.”

“Sure.” She nodded again and was gone, and a few minutes later Matthew bounded back into the room, bringing with him two books for her to read. It was obvious that they were both starved for attention as well as love, and he kept her busy and amused until Peter came home, and she saw that the day had finally taken its toll. He looked pale and tired, and she was sorry for him. There was so much for him to do here, as well, the children had such different needs, and his work used up so much of his energy and time. It was a wonder there was anything left for the children at all, but there was, whatever he could spare of himself at least.

“How's Marie?” Her eyes were full of concern and he smiled tiredly.

“Doing very well. Did Matthew drive you crazy all afternoon?”

“Not at all. And I had a nice talk with Pam.” He looked surprised.

“Well, that's something anyway. Want to come into the den for a glass of wine?”

“Sure.” She followed him across the house, and when they reached the den, she apologized again for taking advantage of his home.

“That's ridiculous. You put in a tough night last night. Why shouldn't you stay here for a day?”

“It was awfully nice.”

“Good.” He smiled at her and handed her a glass of wine. “So are you.” He seemed warmer to her again. Like his daughter, he seemed to run hot and cold toward Mel, but she had the same conflicting emotions too, and she wasn't at all sure how to handle them. She just looked into his eyes and sipped her wine, and they reverted to small talk about the hospital which almost felt like her second home now, and before they had finished their second glass, Mrs. Hahn knocked smartly on the door.

“Dinner is served, Doctor.”

“Thank you.” He stood up and Mel followed suit and walked beside him into the dining room, where they were rapidly joined by Pam and Matt, and Mark, who had come home just a few moments before, and Mel found herself caught up in their banter once more. She felt surprisingly comfortable with them all and when it came time to leave to catch her plane, she was actually sorry to go. She gave Pam a hug, Matt a good-bye kiss, shook Mark's hand, thanked Mrs. Hahn, and actually felt as though she were leaving old friends. She turned to Peter then, and shook his hand too.

“Thank you again. Today was really the best day of all.” She looked at his children standing nearby, and then back at him. “And now I'd better call a cab, or you'll be stuck with me again.”

“Don't be ridiculous. I'll drive you to the airport myself.”

“I wouldn't think of it. You were up all night too. And you didn't sleep all day like me.”

“I slept enough. Come on, no nonsense now.” His voice was almost sharp. “Where's your bag?”

Mel laughed. “In New York, waiting for me, I hope.” He looked baffled and she explained. “It was already checked onto the plane last night when you called.” And then he laughed too.

“You really are a good sport.”

“Wrinkled, but a good sport and I wouldn't have missed that opportunity for anything in the world.” She looked down at the rumpled silk shirt she had forgotten for the past few hours. The state of her dress didn't seem very important here. “Anyway, don't be stubborn. Let me call a cab.” She looked at her watch. It was eight fifteen.” I really have to go.”

He pulled his car keys out of his pocket and waved them at her. “Come on, let's go.” He turned to the children and Mrs. Hahn. “If the hospital calls, I'll be home in an hour or two. I have my pager on me, so they can catch me if they have to.” Just to be safe, he called to check on both Marie and Pattie Lou again before they left, and the resident in charge said they were fine, and with that he escorted Mel to the door, she waved at the children for a last time, and they got into the car. She had the feeling that all her decisions were being made for her, but it was a pleasant change from constantly looking out for herself.

“There's something about you, Doctor. You seem to make up my mind for me and I can't even say I object.”

He laughed.” I guess I'm used to giving orders most of the time.” He smiled at her. “And being obeyed.”

“So am I.” She grinned. “But it's kind of pleasant taking orders from someone else for a change, even about something so simple as not taking a cab.”

“It's the least I can do. You've been my shadow for the past four days, and done something absolutely marvelous, I suspect.”

“Don't say that until you see the finished film.”

“I can just tell from the way you work.”

“That's a lot of faith. I'm not sure I deserve all that.”

He looked at her again. “Yes, you do.” And then he frowned, “B y the way, how was your talk with Pam?”

Mel sighed. “Touching. She's not a very happy child, is she?”

“Unfortunately, that's all too true.”

“She's tormenting herself about Anne.” It seemed strange to say his wife's name, it felt awkward on her lips.” I think she'll be all right in time. Mostly she needs someone to talk to.”

“I send her to a shrink.” He said it defensively.

“She needs more than that. And …” She hesitated and then decided to go ahead. “Mrs. Hahn doesn't seem very warm.”

“She's not, at least not outwardly, but she loves those kids. And she's extremely competent.”

“She needs someone she can talk to, Peter, and so does Matt.”

“And what would you suggest?” He sounded bitter now. “That I find a new wife just for them?”

“No. If you lead a normal life, you'll find one for yourself in time.”

“That's not what I have in mind.” She saw his jaw clench, and realized that they were both more tired than they knew.

“Why not? You were happily married before, you could be happily married again.”

“It would never be the same.” He looked sadly at Mel. “I really don't want to get married again.”

“You can't stay alone for the rest of your life.”

“Why not? You never remarried. Why should I?” It was a good point.

“I'm not the marrying kind. You are.”

He laughed aloud at that. “Well, that's a crock. Why not?”

“I'm just not. I'm too involved in my work to get tied down again.”

“I don't believe that. I think you're scared.” She almost flinched as he said the words; he had hit a nerve.

“Scared?” She sounded surprised nonetheless. “Of what?”

“Commitment, love, being too close. I'm not sure. I don't know you that well.” But he had certainly seen into her. She didn't answer for a long time; she just stared into the night as they drove along and then she turned to him.

“You're probably right. But I'm too old to change now.”

“At thirty-two, four, five, whatever you are? That's crap.”

“No, it's not. And I'm thirty-five.” She smiled. “But I like my life just as it is.”

“You won't when your daughters are gone.”

“That's something you should think of too. But in your case, your children need someone now, and so do you.” And then suddenly she began to laugh as she looked at him. “This is crazy, here we are practically shouting at each other, that we should each get married. And we hardly know each other.”

He glanced over at her with a funny look on his face. “The odd thing is that I feel as though we do. It seems as though you've been out here for years.”

She grew pensive then. “I feel that way too, and it really doesn't make sense.” And then suddenly the airport came too fast, and they were cast into the crowds and bright lights. He had tipped a porter so he could leave his car at the curb, and he followed Mel inside, sorry that they hadn't had more time to talk alone. After last night he felt even closer to her than before. It was as though they had shared something special, the saving of a woman's life. It was like being combat buddies, or something more, and he was even sorrier now to see her go than he had been the day before.

“Well, let me know how the film looks.” They stood awkwardly at the gate as the flight was called, and she found herself itching to be held in his arms.

“I will. Take care. And give my love to the kids.” There was a feeling of déjà vu to the scene, but it was more poignant than before. “And Marie and Pattie Lou.” Her voice was soft.

“Take care of yourself. Don't work too hard, Mel.”

“You too.” His eyes reached out to her, but there were no words for the confusion that he felt and he wasn't sure what to do. There was no privacy here, and he still wasn't sure what he felt for her.

“Thank you for everything.” And with that she shook him off guard by quickly kissing his cheek, and walking through the gate, giving him a last wave, and then she was gone, as he stood and stared, and his beeper went off at his side, and he had to hurry to a phone. He couldn't wait for the plane to take off. He called the hospital, and the resident had a question about Marie, she was running a slight temperature, and he wanted to know if Peter wanted any of the doses of her medications varied. He made the necessary changes and walked back to his car, thinking not of Marie, but of Mel, just as her plane took off, and the giant silver bird rose into the air, as Mel stared down at the endless parking lots below, wondering where he was, and if she would ever see him or his children again. And this time, there was no doubt in her mind. She was sad to leave, and sadder still to be going home. Tonight she didn't even try to convince herself that it wasn't true. She just sat staring out the window, thinking of him and the past four days, knowing that she liked him too much and it would get her nowhere. They led separate lives, in separate worlds, in cities three thousand miles apart, and that was just the way things were. And none of that would ever change.

CHAPTER 10