Changing Course (23 page)

"He is such an ass," Brett releases a breath running his hands through his hair.

"Oh yes, Caleb is the jerk. Not the crazy man who just showed up beating down my door, and accusing me of sucking off his best friend." I throw my hand up covering my mouth. I can't believe I just said that. I really have to stop hanging out with these foul mouth guys.

"I've done a crap job of handling things with you recently. Can we just sit down and talk for a minute. I have a lot of explaining to do. Why don't you let me order in some food? I don't want you to have to cook right now."

"I'm not hungry anymore. Just talk."

"I'm sorry about last night. And this morning. And for pounding on your door. And for insinuating you were ’sucking him off.’ I'm appalled with your dirty language, by the way." He tries to tease, and to some degree it works. I can feel the corner of my lip twitch. "Damn, I really do have a lot of apologizing to do," he says, shaking his head. "Where do you want me to start?" He walks over to the couch, sitting down on the edge. He doesn't bother to lean back or get comfortable.

"Where's Sarah now?" My question must surprise him because it takes him a second to answer.

"At her apartment."

"You should go be with her."

"What? Jess, no!" he says, flying back to his feet.

"No, I don't mean it like that. I just mean, she isn't exactly stable. I would hate for you to be over here, and her do something to hurt herself. We can talk on the phone later, or maybe one day next week."

"God, I'm such an asshole. After everything that's happened, here you are worried about Sarah." He walks over, knocking me off balance and pulling me hard into his chest.

I have no choice, but to let him hold me. It only takes a few seconds for me to melt into him. No matter how much I want to fight it, being in Brett's arms just feels right. He holds me whispering heartfelt apologies into my hair. I'd pull away on pure principle alone, but I can tell by his slight rocking and content breathing, he needs this. It's strictly for him though. I don't love every single second of it. A tear definitely does not slide down my face at how perfect this feels. I absolutely don't send up a prayer for this to never end. That would be stupid after all the crap that we have been through. Yet, I do it all anyway.

"Ask me anything," he says as I reach between us to wipe away my stray tear. "Jess, I don't know what she said to you, but I do know the truth. I'm an open book. Don't let anything fester in that beautiful mind of yours. Please just ask it. No matter how small it is, I want to give you the answer."

"Okay," I say not yet releasing him. I'm needy for this connection too. I've been in an emotional upheaval for days now. I just want someone lean on even if it isn't real. Caleb was great company, but with the exception of the hug when he left, he didn't touch me at all. Besides, there is just something special about the way Brett holds me. It makes me believe he would never let me struggle. It makes me feel safe. Too bad it's a load of crap. He made me feel anything
but
safe today. He abandoned me...for his mentally injured wife.
Great
. When I think about it like that, maybe I'm the jerk in this situation.

"Is Sarah alone right now?" I ask.

"No, I hired a nurse to sit with her. I gave her some meds, so she’s most likely still asleep. The sitter has my number. She'll call if she needs anything."

"Oh, um...okay."

"Don't let it stew Jess. Ask it. I can see in your eyes that you have a million questions for me."

"Did you sleep with her on Tuesday?"

"No!" he shouts, notably curious why I asked this question. "Damn it, what did she tell you?" I just shake my head not wanting to rehash the morning. I've already gotten most of these answers from Caleb, but I have to hear the important ones come from his mouth.

"When was the last time you were...uh, with her?"

"The wreck was in April of 2009. That was the last time I was with anyone," he answers frankly, shocking me. The idea of sexy detective Brett Sharp remaining untouched for over four years is unbelievable to me. I don't want to pry or make him uncomfortable, but I need to make sure I heard him correctly.

"No one?"

"No one but you, babe," he confirms. He pulls away and walks back to the couch. I start to sit in the chair, but he catches me first. "No babe, sit with me. I need you to feel that I'm telling the truth. I don't want there to be any doubts about this stuff." He drags me into his lap, but doesn't wrap me in his strong arms like he usually does. Instead, he throws both arms out to the side and over the back of the couch, physically and emotionally opening himself up to me. He's giving me my space to think, but still keeping us connected.

"How do you feel about Sarah?" I can't bring myself to come right out and ask him if he still loves her.

"Responsible," he answers with one word, and I stay quiet waiting for him to elaborate. "Jesse, I don't know. I didn't cause the wreck, but I feel like I have to fix it. I have an obligation to her. I married her once. I vowed for better or worse, but I didn't just get worse. I got nonexistent.

My Sarah is gone, but that doesn't release me from my responsibilities to her though. She doesn't have anyone else. Her parents are both dead. She didn't even go to their funerals. Her sister has written her off completely. They had a big blow out a few weeks after she first tried to kill herself. Her only real friend, Casey, just disappeared. I guess Manda's death was too much for her to handle. She moved down to Ohio and hasn't been back since. I'm all Sarah has left, and she hates me, so I don't know how much help I really am."

"I'm so sorry."

"Stop apologizing. Did you cause the accident that night?"

"Of course not."

"Then, I don't want to hear a single ‘I'm sorry’ ever escape your lips again." When he says this, he leans in close, and I know he’s about to kiss me. I'm still upset, but I'd pay good money to get one of those toe curling Brett Sharp kisses right now. He looks down at my lips as if he can read my mind, but shakes his head and leans back against the couch. "Now gorgeous, what else do you want to know."

"No kids?"

"None. The picture was my niece. She looks a lot like me. I didn't even know Sarah still had any pictures of my family. When she moved out she didn't take anything with her. Everything she has now is new, with the exception of her jewelry box. That's it. I have all of her other stuff in storage near our old house. She used to be a writer. You couldn't pry her laptop out of her hands on most days. She's never even asked for it again."

"I'm..." I stop myself from apologizing, "that's sad." I finish instead.

"It is sad, but it's also reality."

"What do you want from me?" I move to the core of this entire conversation. Today, I have learned the full story of Sarah and Brett. But I have no idea where that leaves Brett and Jesse.

"I don't know."

"Well that was fun." I jump off his lap embarrassed, ready to sprint to my bedroom.

"I don't know" was not at all the answer I wanted or expected. He's obviously come here for a reason. I thought it was to win me back, make things right, fight for me. Apparently, my assumptions were all wrong.

"Slow down. You're not going anywhere until you let me finish." He pulls me back down, although this time, he doesn't give me the same space he did before. He cradles me in his arms, half restraining, half tenderly holding me. "I don't know what I can give you." He leans forward, placing a soft kiss to my temple. "I want to be with you. I want to spend time with you. I want to get to know you. And if I'm being honest, I want to touch every inch of your body with every inch of mine." Even hurt and upset, his words still make me heat. I shift in his lap trying to cover my breathy reaction when I feel his hard-on grow underneath me.

"Jesus, it's hot that even as fucked up as things are, I can still turn you on with just one sentence." He finishes by placing a wet kiss on my exposed collar bone, sending chills down my body.

"Stop. We need to talk." I try to shake him off.

"Then talk." He continues kissing up my neck. It feels so good, I'm almost willing to end this conversation now. Starting a new one in the bedroom. Almost.

"Brett. Please. I need answers. I can't think with you touching me like that. It's too much." He finally stops, reluctantly removing his arms and throwing them back over the couch.

"You're right. I got carried away, keep talking." He relents.

"I don't know what to do with you. I think you are just as messed up as Sarah." His head snaps back as if I slapped him.

"Wow, um…wow,” he says stunned. “That is quite an insult after today."

"I just mean you have baggage. A lot of it. I'm not just talking about Sarah either. I'm talking about your guilt and self-imposed punishment for the way she is now."

"Caleb really got into your head today didn't he?" he asks.

"Yes, he told me a lot about you and Sarah."

"Did he mention that he hates her? Blames her for the wreck? Wishes she was the one dead instead of Manda? Did he mention any of that while he was giving you a little history lesson?" He begins to get angry.

"Yes, he actually mentioned all of that." This wasn't what he expected me to say. I know he thought Caleb filled my head with horrible ideas about Sarah. He didn't do that at all though.

"He told me she used to be funny. Always the girl dancing on the stage or talking your ear off. He said everyone who ever met her loved her. Most of all, you. He told me she was beautiful back then." I can see his eyes fill with unwelcome tears as I talk about her. He bites his bottom lip nodding while trying to get his emotions back in check.

"I don't want you to know about her, Jesse. Sarah is a part of a past that I don't want to share with you. And that's not because I don't want to tell you about it. I'm happy to tell you everything you want to know since the wreck, but it kills me to think about that. The fact that you even know this much about my old life, hurts like hell. Despite everything that has gone down, I had hopes of keeping you and Sarah in separate parts of my life. No crossing lines. She's my past, and I'm sick of living there.

“I am who I am today as a result of the all years I spent with her. That goes for both the happy and broken parts of me. I want to start over without this cloud of Sarah hanging over my head. I want to escape this pressure I feel to finally fix things. When I'm with you, Jess, everything else is silent. It's magical. I can't change anything that’s happened. I can, however, try to move forward with my life.

"So, to answer your question earlier, that’s what I want from you…to move forward. Jesse, I worry that I can't be who you need me to be. I'm hesitant to make you any promises or commitments, because I'm not sure I can back them up. I’m willing to try though. Something beyond my control draws me to you. You make me feel alive again, and as selfish as it sounds, I will do absolutely anything to hold on to that. But I'm terrified that it will mean breaking you in the process."

"I'm not made of glass," I answer him, equally touched and frustrated by his words. "You can't break me. I'm not her. I may be naive when it comes to relationships, but I'm stronger than I look. I just need to know what I'm getting myself into first. This isn't something I can walk into blind.

“You're not the only one confused here, Brett. You have a lot of cons, but I'm still standing here, aren't I? Let me watch out for myself, and decide what I can and can't handle," I answer with resolve. I'm going to try to make something work with him. He may not have anything to give me, but that's a bridge I'll cross when it crumbles under my feet.

"Jesse-"

"No don't ‘Jesse’ me. I'm a big girl. I can make my own decisions. I don't need a keeper, and you don't need any more jobs."

"You're not a big girl. You're actually a very, very tiny woman." He smiles up at me. "Don't get me wrong, I like it."

"I'm serious, Brett."

"Okay, so where does this leave us?" he asks.

I have been thinking about this question all day, and finally I feel like I have the right answer.

"We date. We slow down this crazy, drama-filled relationship we have had for the last few days. Who the heck knows, we may not even like each other this time next week. We don't have to jump into anything serious. Let's just go with the flow.

“I don't need any promises from you right now, so you don't have to stress yourself out over not being able to fulfill them. Brett, it's been six days now! Do you usually have this type of conversation with every girl you date for less than a week?" The grin that creeps across his face is spectacular. It renders me completely unable to move my eyes from his mouth.

"I don't date, remember?" He pulls me over to straddle his lap. "With this new arrangement, can I still kiss you? And maybe touch you a little too?" he asks, ever so lightly pushing his hips up until they connect with mine.

I let out a soft moan. He must have seen my lips part because he instantly reacts crushing his mouth into mine. Our warm tongues tangle in a kiss I’ve so desperately wanted all day. I crawl even deeper into his lap, needing to be closer. He must feel the same way because he stands lifting me as he goes.