Changing Fate (16 page)

He pulls his hand away from my hair and tugs at the
mask covering his mouth until his lips are showing. My heart thumps up my throat and steals any words that might escape. I know he’s not supposed to breathe on me, but I don’t want to die without making this moment worth every last breath.

Kyler’s face
inches closer to mine and I shut my eyes.

“Kate.
”

No!
Don’t talk, just go before I change my mind.

It seems like forever before he says anything. “Do I have to sign a contract?”

I reach around his neck and pull his lips to mine. The second they touch, my insides collapse and I melt into him. The kiss is soft and warm and I can’t seem to get enough air…but I don’t want to stop. 

Ky
ler pulls back and I gasp. He lifts the mask over his mouth and says, “Sorry.”

I stare at him, wanting more, wishing he wouldn’t apologize for making me feel so alive. “Please, don’t say that.”

“But you might get sick.”

I lift my hands in defeat. “I can’t get much worse. And it was worth
it.”

Kyler’s eyes
light up. “Should we try it again?”

Yes? Okay, maybe not. Not yet. I don’t want to forget the first one. “Can you sing me a song instead?”

He holds my hand and sings a thousand kisses to my heart until Dad comes and Ember chases Kyler away.

Dad steps away from the x-ray screen and turns toward me with concern etched on every part of his face. I swallow and wait for the bad news. Even Kyler’s lingering kiss can’t erase the instant dread in my gut.

“I’m afraid to tell you that your lungs aren’t healing well from this last collapse. We’re only up to fifteen percent function and it should be higher by now.”

I clench my hands and let the words slip through my brain. The information can’t settle. If it does, I won’t be able to hold myself together much longer. I swallow again and try to breathe evenly.

“Now what?” I ask. “Any news on a donor?”

Dad shakes his head and his worry lines deepen. “Nothing new there either.”

What he really means is there’s nothing good to tell me. I hold onto the last strings of hope and tighten them into a knot. I won’t give
up and I won’t give in. Not yet. There’s still air left in my crippled lungs.

“I have some meetings to attend,” Dad says. “But I’ll check back with you later.”

I keep a blank expression as he walks out of the room—the room with four walls, one window, and countless medical supplies keeping one girl alive. But for how much longer?

I need Kyler right now but instead, I get a message from Ember that he won’t be able to visit again until after the fundraiser. That should make me happy, excited that he wants to be a part of something that will benefit my future. But my future isn’t looking too bright. It’s dark, lonely, and filled with the smell of sterilized metal. I can almost feel my body breaking down. Time drags as I memorize the tan canvas of my walls. Eventually,
the images in my head swirl together in a mix of doubt and fear and I drift into a thoughtless stupor.

Mom comes in Saturday morning and sets a tray of food in front of me. “I told Ember I’d give you your breakfast.”

She hands me my pills and I take them.

“Better eat up. It smells delicious.”

I keep my hands in my lap.

“The fundraiser is today,” she says. Her chipper voice gets more forced every time she talks. 

I nod.

Mom walks past me and sits on the bed. “Sounds like there’s going to be a big turnout.”

I blink twice.

“Kate.” She grabs my hand and waits for me to look her in the eyes. It takes me almost a minute to finally give in. The moment I do, I wish I hadn’t. Tears stream down her face and
she squeezes her eyes shut as she wipes her nose with a tissue. Her grip tightens around my hand like she thinks I’ll slip away.

It’s definitely a possibility.

I try to wrap my fingers around hers, but my grip is weak. I’m still drowning in the bad news. I stare at Mom and try to feel something…anything. I love her, I’ll miss her, but it’s like my body has shut down my ability to connect with others.

“I’m sorry, Mom.” It’s all I can say because even if I can’t feel it, I know it should be said.

“I’m sorry too.” Her voice shakes. “It’s so hard to see my favorite girl like this.”

She doesn’t even ask how her favorite girl is doing. It’s the first time I haven’t heard her say the words as she walks into my room. She probably doesn’t want to know more than she can see.

Mom sniffles. “I hate to leave you, but I can’t stay long. Giana asked me to come down for the fundraiser so everyone could see who they’ll be benefitting.”

I nod once. It sounds like a good idea. “It’s okay. I’ll be here when you get back.”

Hopefully. I’m not sure I’m even here right now. My brain’s stuck in limbo, numb to everything around me. I should care that she won’t stay with me on her day off. But I can’t.

She walks out the door and I sink into my bed. My gaze switches from the wall to the speckled ceiling. Images float through my mind: an old building, a song in a different language, a lock of curly hair, a single freckle. Those things should mean something. I know the name of the building. It’s the
Pantheon Paris, but the image doesn’t affect me like it should. It’s like I’ve lost my desire to visit France. Maybe because I know I never will.

And the freckle? It’s Kyler’s, but for some reason, his name doesn’t ignite the fire that usually burns within me. I’m like an empty hearth, freshly cleaned and really cold. The images drift away and I’m left with the only thing that’s real: the
dark specks that are scattered across the ceiling.

I start to count them and lose track. It’s like counting the stars or counting freckles.

Freckles.

What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I focus?

A knock at the door startles me.

“Kate?”

My dad walks in with a stethoscope in one hand and a strange package in the other. He sets the package on a side table and approaches me with the medical device. Doctor. He’s my doctor and he’s here to check my stats.

Dead. Dead. Dead.

I can’t get the word out of my mind. One day he’ll come in to check me and there won’t be anything left to check. The cool metal touches the skin on my chest and I inhale slowly. Dad’s saying something but it sounds like medical words. Mumble jumble.

I don’t care.

I
can’t
care.

I won’t care.

It’s all over.

“Kate!”

I lift my gaze and look at him. “Why are you yelling at me?”

“Did you hear a word I said?”

His face is so stern. Why is he acting like that?

His mouth pulls into a frown. “Please. Stay with me.”

I point to the tubes tying me to the wall. “I don’t think I have a choice.”

“No. You don’t have a choice
but I won’t let you go.”

I shrug.

He crosses the room and comes back to set the package on my lap. “Open this.”

“What is it?”

He reaches down and pulls at the brown paper. Once it’s off, I’m staring at a carving of The Gallery of Kings. I count the men standing in robes. Twenty-eight. A woodsy smell fills my nose and I touch the edge of a crown.

Something stirs inside me. I let it spark and pulse as I press my fingertip into a blank expression on one of the faces. It’s just like me. Blank. I dig deep in my brain to make a connection. Notre Dame, French architecture, mini statue, date with Kyler.

Kyler! Kisses, freckles, friends, life. The memories slam into place and I gasp…then cough.

Dad rubs my back. “Breathe, Kate. Breathe.”

The coughing continues and I wonder what just happened. It’s like my thoughts were locked away, protected in a secret place even I couldn’t reach. “What was that?”

Dad helps me lie back and sits on the chair beside me. “A mild dissociati
ve episode. It’s normal for someone under so much stress.”

I try to think back through the haze. “Mild? I thought I was losing it.” My hands are still on the statue so I lift it up to memorize the tiny details in each staff. “I’ve seen this before. Where did you get it?”

“It was at a local art show recently.”

“Yes, I went there with Kyler.” I freeze and look at Dad. “Did Kyler put you up to this?”

He tilts his head side to side. “Is that his name?”

I lift an eyebrow.

Dad holds up a hand. “Okay, okay. I might’ve talked to your friends. But I wanted to give you something and they helped me out since I don’t know much about you…
yet
.”

“You’re trying to buy your way into my life?”

He gives a shaky laugh. “Please don’t get upset, I’m doing my best. I hope to do more than pay for a statue.”

“Me too,” I whisper. Not because I want his money but because if he uses his money, it would be for a lung transplant. And that would mean I’d be around longer, which would also give me a chance to have a dad.

“I also brought you this.” Dad holds out an ancient handheld video game.

“Does that even work?”

“Of course it does. Turn it on.”

I do as he says and the first thing to pop up on the screen is a six-ringed bullseye. I give him a pointed look. “You really
did
do your homework.”

He lifts an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

I barely laugh. “Seriously?”

His eyes are wide. “Kyler didn’t tell me anything about this. It’s mine. I’ve had it since I was little.”

I squeeze the cheap plastic as goose bumps rise along my arms. Warmth sinks through my chest and even though my body’s dying, my dad’s love swirls through me. I can’t forget that. No matter what other news comes along, I hope I never forget anything again. Feeling something, even if it hurts, is better than feeling nothing.

Right now, I need the connection with my dad. He may not have been there throughout my life but he’s with me now. I hold the game player in one hand and the statue in the other.

“Thanks, Dad.” I keep my eyes on the gifts and the images blur with tears. If I look up, I won’t be able to hold them back any longer. It would lead to ugly crying, the kind that makes me cough. The kind that makes me hurt. I hold on tight and Dad touches my hand.

“You’re welcome,” he says softly. “I love you, Kate. And even though I wasn’t there for you in the past, I want to be part of your future.”

I press my lips together as a tear drips down my cheek. It’s different from the love I have with Mom and it’s different from the comforting warmth I get when Kyler’s around. And maybe it’s not love…yet. Maybe it’s just the beginning of something between a father and daughter. Dad and me.

Once he’s gone, the waterworks start. Even though I can’t see myself, I know it’s not pretty, but it’s okay because no one
’s around. Except for Ember, who’s already seen me at my worst. She brings me food, helps me calm down, and does therapy with me. 

By night, I wish I had someone to talk to again. Ember’s putting away my
dinner when the hospital phone rings.

Ember answers and tells me, “It’s Giana.”

I grab the phone and try to hear her through the background noise. “Kate,” she says.

“Yes?”

“It was a huge success. I’ll swing by in a couple hours.”

I check the
time. “But that’s almost midnight.”

“Your dad’s right here. He said it would be okay this once.”

“Okay. See you then.”

I hand the phone to Ember and turn on the game to play electric darts. It’s pretty lame, but it passes the time and keeps me grounded in reality. Aim, shoot, score. Over and over. I should go to sleep, get some rest, but I’m too afraid of waking up in a mindless stupor. Maybe after Giana gets here, I’ll be able to settle down.

Mom shows up around eleven. “How’s my favorite girl?”

I offer a weak smile. “Better.”

She holds my hand for a moment then crashes on the couch. “That was some party. I’m not sure how Giana did it, but she got a local band, food vendors, a little train ride, and a ton of other things. It was all last minute too. I ended up teaching karate to a group of kids.”

I try to picture the party, but besides Mom doing what she does best, the details don’t come easily. “Sounds like fun.”

“She was just wrapping up as I left so she should be here soon.”

Mom closes her eyes and I tap my fingers on my leg. “Did you know Dad liked darts?”

She rubs her forehead and looks at me. “That’s right. He did. I totally forgot.”   

Her eyes close again and I can see how exhausted she really is. She seems almost as tired as I
feel. But I’m determined to stay awake until Giana comes.

Mom’s out in
no time. I wish I’d thought to ask her about Kyler. Was he there? What was he doing? Did he ask about me or say he’d stop by? Any of those answers would’ve given me something to think about while I wait for Giana.

The clock ticks on. Eventually it’s midnight and Giana still hasn’t come. An hour later, I start to worry. She should be here. Ember comes in to check on me and almost forces a sleeping pill down my throat.

I shake my head. “Not yet. Maybe you can dial Giana’s number so I can see if she’s on her way?”

Ember picks up the phone with an exasperated sigh. It rings four times and Giana’s answering machine picks up. Instead of leaving a message, I try again. Maybe she didn’t hear it. 

She doesn’t answer the second time either.

I give the phone back to Ember and clench my teeth. Maybe she fell asleep and didn’t have time to call. I glance at Mom and know that’s a reasonable possibility. But something doesn’t feel right. Not that anything has felt right for a couple weeks, but this is different.

“Mom,” I call.

She only stirs.

Ember lets out another sigh and nudges Mom for me.

She bolts up and blinks away the sleep. “What is it?”

“Giana’s not here,” I say.

“What time is it?”

I swallow. “Almost one thirty.”