Changing Tunes (12 page)

“If I disappoint my dad, then I have no one.”

Mac’s face is filled with so much compassion. “Ash, but aren’t you already alone? Haven’t you been feeling alone all this time? I know it’s hard, but what are you really losing by standing up for yourself, and telling him what you want out of life? What are you really losing? You aren’t alone anymore, I’m here; and I always will be.”

She lightens her tone, “You’re stuck with me, now, and you can share my family with me. Trust me, they’ll love you.”

I’m stunned beyond words. I’ve never had anyone want me as I am. Knowing my faults and issues and still want me to be a part of their family. Tears finally make their escape, and for once, I don’t hold them back. I need to let go, but there’s still one more thing to get off my chest in order to let all of it go.

“There’s one more thing.” I begin.
Deep breath, deep breath
. “At the end of my senior year I was assaulted.”

Mac gasps and her hand flies to her mouth.

“Fortunately for me, he didn’t get a chance to finish what he’d started.”

I will never forgive myself for not listening to Tori and heeding her warning.

“I’d been warned by a girl I later learned had been raped by the same guy that assaulted me. She warned me, and I was too stubborn to listen. In fact, it was her boyfriend who’d warned me.”

I feel so awful about this next part and wince, turning away out of shame, I continue, “I’d even hit on her boyfriend during that time. I was trying desperately to get Will to sleep with me. I didn’t like Tori, and she sure didn’t like me, but for good reason. I never had a reason not to like Tori, except everyone always liked her and for that, I didn’t.”

I laugh coldly, “To say the least, my dad was not happy to be notified by the police officer of what had happened. He sent a driver to pick me up from the station. Of course, it was my fault. It was never spoken about again. I went to court by myself, and everything. I vowed that in college, things would be different and I could start over. I have rules now. I don’t have sex with anyone with a girlfriend, and I refuse to be who I once was.”

That’s it, the last piece of me to tell. This is everything bad about me, and everything that has made me, me.

“Wow, Ash, do you know how brave you are?”

I’m shocked. “Me? I am not brave.” I say shaking my head.

“Yes, you are. You went through that by yourself, and you’re determined to change from the bitch you used to be. You’ve vowed to change the bad in your life and become better. That makes you brave!”

I never thought about it like that before and contemplate her words.

“Anybody can say they want to change, Ash. But saying it and doing it are two completely different things. From what you told me, you’ve already come a long way. What can we do to give you some control back in your life so you aren’t seeking out random guys for sex? Because let’s face it, you deserve so much more, whether you know it or not.”

“Thank you, Mac.” I say through the tears streaming down my face.

“Oh, and there’s one more thing.” I say. “Guess who lives across the hall from Joe?”

Mac looks at me quizzically, having absolutely no clue. “I have no idea.”

“Well, after I turned down nice guy Joe about dating, I let myself out. I was leaning against the door, trying to catch my breath, when who should walk out the apartment door? Zeke.”

“You’re kidding.” she says.

“I wish; I was so embarrassed.”

“Did he notice you and speak?” She asks.

“He noticed and spoke, all right. I’m sure I can just imagine what he must think of me now.”

“See, you are changing. You care what he thinks about you. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You don’t know what he thinks. Don’t make something there that isn’t. I guess you’ll see next class.”

I hadn’t thought about it like that, and she’s right. I do care what he thinks, and I don’t know why. I have no clue why this one particular guy makes me care, and makes me want to be seen as different. But I groan at the thought of seeing him in class. It excites me, but makes me nervous all at the same time.

We talk into the wee hours of the morning. I’ve never felt less alone than I do in this very moment.

I’m hoping last week with Professor Forrester was an anomaly, and I’m just imagining his interest. I get dressed and meet Mac in the kitchen, desperate to down some caffeine.

“Want to meet at the coffee shop before I head over to chemistry?”

“Yup, sounds like a plan, have fun.”

“Bye,” I throw out before I race out the door, hoping to get to class at a decent time and avoid any un-necessary attention.

I walk into class and see I made good time. The Professor is busy with a couple of girls blatantly throwing themselves at him. I’ve played this game before, and I can spot what they’re doing from miles away. He’s enjoying the attention, it’s clear as day. I quickly look away, not wanting to be caught staring. That would completely suck.

“Hey, it’s Ashley, isn’t it?”

I nod my head. “Nick, right? Friends with Austin.”

“You’ve got a good memory. I must have made an impression.” He says.

I laugh, “Don’t kid yourself.” I say jokingly. “I’m good with names.”

“I heard my man Austin flirted with you on your first day and his woman tore you a new one, but you held your own and handed his manhood right back to him. Nicely done,” he says.

“I call it like I see it.” I say. “I don’t have time for that crap, and I don’t have time to deal with jealous girlfriends.”

“You handled yourself well, at least how Austin tells it.”

I grin at up at him, “Thanks.” Maybe he’s not such a douche after all. It’d be nice to have a friend in here.

He plants himself in the seat next to me and we chat for a few minutes before Professor Forrester begins class. I notice right away when I’m spotted and he gives me the once over. My cheeks heat up and I know Nick notices it, as well. I quickly look away, trying to be nonchalant. It’s like this throughout class. I listen and take notes, but I do not participate. Participating would be creating a dialogue with the Professor, and I can’t do that. I don’t want anyone to think I’m encouraging him. I’m avoiding all eye contact, but I can feel his eyes on me. I know when he’s looking my way. I feel Nick look at me several times. I guess to see if I’m reciprocating or encouraging the attention. The moment class is over; I pack my things as quickly as I can.

“Wow, Forrester seems to have his sights on you” Nick smirks.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I say innocently, looking back down at my backpack.

“Don’t give me that shit. You’re hot, and you know it. You know when a guy has interest in you.”

I glance up at him. “I’m not doing anything to encourage it.” I say quickly. I don’t need shit started, or a rumor, and I don’t know Nick from Adam.

He puts his arms up as if to fend of my verbal assault. “Slow down, I didn’t say you were.” He begins seriously, “Just be careful of him.” He leans in closer so no one hears, “I’ve heard rumors. If he wants something bad enough, he’ll find a way. Just watch yourself.”

My heart begins to speed up. This is disconcerting to say the least.

“Thanks for the warning, Nick. I appreciate it.” I say. We walk out of the classroom together before I ask, “Why hasn’t anyone reported him?”

“Have you seen the guy? The girls love him, and the guys aim to be him. He’s a freaking Casanova. Do you think any of these girls would fend off his advances? These girls want him, they aren’t going to report him.”

“I’m just going to avoid him like the plague then.”

Nick tilts his head at me. “Why aren’t you enjoying his attention like all the other girls do?”

I think carefully before I answer. “I have no interest in screwing up my education, not for anyone. Not to mention, he’s too old for me.”

He throws his head back and laughs. “That’s good to know, maybe then I’ve got a shot.”

“Don’t kid yourself,” I say smiling. “But it’s good to know you aren’t the dick I first thought you to be.” I wink.

He throws his hand over his heart like I’ve wounded him, but laughingly says, “Ah, that hurts me, woman.”

He holds his hand out. “Friends?”

“Friends.” I shake his hand, deciding to try out this friendship thing—you’ve got to start somewhere. “I’ve got to meet Mac at the coffee shop, want to come?”

“Sure, I love hanging out with hot chicks. Is Mac single?”

I shake my head, laughing, “You’re impossible.”

“Well, is she?”

I ignore the question, but we walk together chatting the entire way. I spot Mac at a table and see an eyebrow quirk up at seeing Nick with me. I make introductions and we settle at the table where Mac already has my coffee waiting for me. I snatch it up and look at her, “I love you.” I chuckle.

“Ha ha, I know you do. I mean, how could you not?”

Nick takes off to go grab a drink of his own and Mac starts the twenty questions. I tell her as quickly as possible the short version about class and about the conversation he and I had.

Mac sits back in her seat with her mouth hanging wide open before saying, “Wow. Just wow. How does this happen. This is the last thing you need to be worried about. You have to do what Nick says and watch yourself.”

I decide to change the subject, “Nick wants to know if you’re single.”

We share laughs and joke with Nick when he joins us again. It’s easy and fun. As it turns out, Nick’s not such a bad dude. He’s funny, and he makes Mac and I laugh.

I feel my phone vibrate and I know what that means. It’s the Warden, but this time—this time I choose to ignore it. This time is my time, and I’m not going to let him get to me. I don’t look at it, I just leave it be. I see Mac watch me and smile when I put my phone back down. I’m learning, slowly, but surely.

I’ve got Mac and I’m making friends. This college thing is probably the best thing I could’ve ever done. I’ll deal with the Warden later. Now, all I have to worry about is Chemistry. Oh yeah, and Zeke.