Chapter and Hearse (30 page)

‘And they've all got to begin somewhere…'

‘Of course…'

‘Even the least promising.'

‘Them, too,' said Sloan fervently.

Detective Constable Crosby, who was standing in front of him now, was a case in point. He was the least bright star in the detective firmament of ‘F' Division, the police equivalent of being all fingers and thumbs in whatever he did.

‘In my opinion,' said the ACC loftily, ‘it's never a bad idea for beginners to cut their teeth on something not too important.'

‘Of course…'

‘Cases where the outcome isn't vital to law and order.'

‘I think I take your point, sir.'

‘After all, he – I mean, any inexperienced young constable – could make mistakes in putting a case together.'

‘Easily, sir.'

‘And even accidentally let fall things he – or she, of course – shouldn't.'

‘It has been known, sir.'

‘And afterwards he – or she, of course – could be shown what he – or she, of course – had done shall we say less than well rather than wrong.'

‘If they had,' pointed out Sloan.

‘On the other hand, Inspector, no way must we fail to honour our obligations under paragraph forty of Magna Carta.'

‘I can't quite recall…'

‘“To no one will we sell, to no one deny or delay right or justice”,' declared the ACC in ringing tones, thus clearing his own decks and handing the problem straight back to Sloan.

Sloan passed a modified version of this on to Detective Constable Crosby – jejune but eager – and sent him off to take statements all round and prepare the case against Herbert Bates.

‘It's all yours, lad,' said Sloan basely. ‘See how you get on for starters…'

Detective Inspector Sloan's highly confidential filing was almost finished by the time the young Detective Constable reported back the next day.

He looked crestfallen. ‘I'm sorry, sir,' he mumbled, ‘but there isn't going to be a case after all.'

‘How come?'

‘Larky Nolson has withdrawn the charge.'

‘Tell me.'

‘It's like this, sir,' said Crosby very apologetically, ‘I took some of the soil off Larky's shoes and matched it with that in Mr Bates's garden, although I know that doesn't actually prove anything…'

‘No.'

‘And the shoe matched the footprints in Mr Bates's ground, although they are four days old and it's only circumstantial evidence anyway.'

An uneasy thought occurred to Sloan, as ever worried by possible allegations of police irregularities. ‘How did you get Larky to take his shoe off?'

‘I accidentally spilt some hot tea on his foot, sir. It didn't scald him,' he added hastily, on catching sight of his superior's expression.

‘And?' Heroically, Sloan refrained from comment.

‘I got the remains of some cooked cauliflower from Larky's dustbin.'

‘Without his permission?'

‘I got it from the corporation waste collection van. Yesterday was collection day.'

‘You did, did you?'

‘I understand, sir,' he said anxiously, ‘that once the contents have been taken by the binmen, the owner has voluntarily surrendered his rights to them. I did check that with the council, sir.'

‘That's not proof positive either.'

‘No, sir. So I got a sample of the cauliflowers in the supermarket. It's the only place where you can buy them in the town.'

‘Now that all the greengrocers have gone…' No shopper himself, Sloan knew this from his wife.

‘You remember that bit in the local paper complaining that they mostly sell foreign greengrocery there, sir?'

‘I'm beginning to get your drift, Crosby.'

‘So I got Forensics to check, sir.'

‘Different cauliflowers?' So vegetable as well as animal did come into the equation, after all.

‘Very. And, sir, they could tell which had been treated with commercial chemicals and which hadn't.'

‘Herbert Bates's?' Larky could have bought his cauliflowers outside the town, of course, but it wasn't all that likely.

‘Yes, sir. He doesn't use chemicals.'

‘Wonderful what scientists can do these days. Now, when I was first on the beat…' He stopped. The luxury of reminiscence could wait. ‘Then what, Crosby?'

‘I drew Larky Nolson's attention to my findings, sir, and he decided against proceeding with the charge against Herbert Bates.'

‘And are we now faced with Herbert Bates bringing a counter-charge for theft against Larky Nolson?'

‘No, sir.'

‘How can you be so sure?'

‘The Forensics people told me that Herbert Bates's cauliflowers were on the list of varieties that can no longer be marketed under European regulations, sir.' He looked at Sloan and asked anxiously, ‘Do you want chapter and verse on that, sir?'

‘Heaven forbid,' said Sloan speedily. ‘But Herbert isn't into marketing, surely?'

‘There was a board by his gate with a chalk message on it to the effect that cabbages could be bought…'

Sloan scratched his chin, a little puzzled. It was something he had never noticed himself.

Crosby put his notebook down on Sloan's desk. ‘I'm very sorry, sir, but nobody seems to be charging anybody now. Is that all right?'

By the same author

The Religious Body

A Most Contagious Game

Henrietta Who?

The Complete Steel

A Late Phoenix

His Burial Too

Slight Mourning

Parting Breath

Some Die Eloquent

Passing Strange

Last Respects

Harm's Way

A Dead Liberty

The Body Politic

A Going Concern

Injury Time (short stories)

After Effects

Stiff News

Little Knell

Amendment of Life

‘A Change of Heart', ‘Child's Play',
‘Coup de Grâce',
‘Dead Letters', ‘A Different Cast of Mind', ‘Dummy Run', ‘Examination Results', ‘Exit Strategy', ‘Losing the Plot', ‘Preyed in Aid', ‘A Soldier to the Queen', ‘Time, Gentlemen, Please', ‘Touch Not the Cat' (this story produced in abridged audio format as part of
Cats, Cats and More Cats:
HighBridge Company, US, 1997), ‘The Trouble and Strife', ‘The Widow's Might', ‘The Wild Card.' Copyright © 2003; ‘Cold Comfort', ‘Due Diligence'. Copyright © 2000; ‘Chapter and Hearse', ‘Handsel Monday.' Copyright © 1998; ‘Like to Die'. Copyright © 1997; ‘Gold, Frankinscense and Murder'. Copyright © 1995;
CHAPTER AND HEARSE
Copyright © 2003 by Catherine Aird. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. For information, address St. Martin's Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.

www.minotaurbooks.com

ISBN 0-312-29084-5

First published in Great Britain by Macmillan an imprint of Pan Macmillan Ltd

First St. Martin's Minotaur Edition: February 2004

eISBN 9781466841857

First eBook edition: March 2013

*
Frances Rose-Troup,
Exeter Vignettes
(Manchester University Press, 1942).

*
Hilaire Belloc,
The Four Men: A Farrago
(London: Nelson, 1912).