Charlie and the War Against the Grannies (22 page)

 

I opened my letterbox and waited for any spiders to run out. (Two years ago I opened my letterbox and a huge huntsman spider ran out of it and up my arm. Now I open my letterbox with a specially designed anti-spider-letterbox-opening-stick which I keep hidden in a flowery sort of bush behind the fence near the letterbox.)

After I have opened the letterbox the first thing I always do is check that my Disaster Recovery Kit is securely hidden right in the back.

 

It was.

Then I checked for mail.

There was one leaflet. It was more of Hils's anti-Stinkly-Wrinkly propaganda.

IT IS TIME YOU KNEW THE TRUTH ABOUT GRANNIES

I hoped my granny wasn't bad. I hoped she didn't eat earwax.

‘Is the coalition-building moving forward?' said Hils.

That's the army way of saying, ‘Have you got anyone to join our rebel army yet?'

I hadn't got anyone to join our rebel army yet.

‘It's going great,' I said. ‘Lots of people have already joined our rebel army.'

‘Outstanding,' said Hils.

‘How's the propaganda going?' I said.

‘The propaganda phase of the campaign has ceased. Currently I am focusing on cutting the Stinkly Wrinklys' lines of supply. I have discovered where they pick up their newspapers in the morning before they deliver them. I get there first and steal them.'

‘Why are you doing that?' I said.

‘To turn the public against the Stinkly Wrinklys. If people aren't getting their newspapers they will get mad at the people who are supposed to be delivering the newspapers. If the public are mad with the Stinkly Wrinklys then they are more likely to support us in our war against them,' said Hils.

‘Starting a war is much more complicated that I thought it would be,' I said.

‘Affirmative.'

‘I have to go,' I said. ‘Lunchtime ends in five minutes and I want to get The Lurker to join our rebel army before double Maths.'

‘You don't like The Lurker.'

‘He is a valuable asset,' I said.

‘No, Duncan. I won't join your stupid rebel army,' said The Lurker.

‘I don't care if you don't join,' I said.

‘Then why did you ask me?' said The Lurker.

‘I didn't ask you.'

‘Yes you did, Duncan. You asked me five seconds ago.'

‘You must have imagined it because of how much you wanted me to ask you,' I said.

‘I didn't want you to ask me to join your dumb rebel army.'

‘Lucky I didn't ask you then,' I said.

‘You did ask me, Duncan.'

‘No I didn't. I asked you if you'd like some biscuits. Some poisoned biscuits,' I said.

‘Joke's on you, Duncan, because if you had some poisoned biscuits, I'd eat those poisoned biscuits.'

‘Joke's actually on you because if you ate the poisoned biscuits you'd die,' I said.

‘Joke's really, actually on you because I might be dead but you'd have no biscuits,' said The Lurker.

‘But you'd be dead.'

‘I'd rather be dead than have no biscuits.'

‘Then you're mental.'

‘Then you'll go to jail for murdering me. I double win,' said The Lurker.

‘You can't double win if you're dead.'

‘Wrong, Duncan,' said The Lurker. ‘Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.'

I knew exactly what to say next. I was going to totally get him. I was going to win this argument.

I went to say it but The Lurker was gone.

I was starting to worry that I'd never be able to get anyone to join our rebel army.

I was absolutely sure that Mr Norma Michaels and The Us would join our rebel army.

I found the boring secret tunnel and had been walking along it for ages when I heard a scratching noise.

That wasn't meant to happen.

I kept on walking.

Suddenly I heard blood-curdling scream.

That certainly wasn't meant to happen.

Oh no. I wasn't in a boring secret tunnel.

I was in an exciting secret tunnel.

I did not want to be in an exciting secret tunnel. I really, very, super did not want to be in an exciting secret tunnel. I had to get out. I started running.

I stepped in something wet.

I knew it was blood. Exciting secret tunnels always have blood.

Something dripped on my head.

I knew it was more blood. Exciting secret tunnels always have more blood.

I kept on running.

I ran past an old bearded man chained to the wall of the tunnel.

‘The fox knows little but the owl sees all,' said the old bearded man.

I kept running until I came to a place where the tunnel split into two paths.

Which path should I take?

‘This way,' said a strange little voice.

I just knew that little voice was coming out of an animal with more heads than it should normally have.

I looked down. I was right.

There was a large rat with THREE MORE heads than it should normally have.

‘NAUGHTY RAT. Leave this poor young man alone,' said a voice that sounded exactly like Mr Norma Michaels because it was coming from Mr Norma Michaels. ‘Skedaddle.'

The animal with three-more-heads-than-it-should-normally-have skedaddled.

‘What are you doing here, you young scamp?' said Mr Norma Michaels.

‘I was looking for you,' I said. ‘You see . . . Hils and I are forming a rebel army to go to war against the Stinkly Wrinklys and we were hoping that you and The Us would join it.'

‘ARROGANT. Certainly not and indeed not! The Us are peaceful souls. We will not join your army. We will not go to war!'

‘It's called The Horde,' I said.

Mr Norma Michaels fell asleep.

It was 18:30 hours.

Hils and I were in Nobby's Quarry.

In front of us stood about fifty angry Stinkly Wrinklys flexing their pinching fingers. I saw the LLG cradling a gnashing gnet and Rashid's Stinkly Bubu brandishing a rock-hard-throwing-hanky.

(My granny wasn't with them. That was a relief.)

So far, nothing had gone according to plan.

17:30 HOURS

BEHIND A BUSH AT NOBBY'S QUARRY

‘Hils, I've got something really, very, super bad to tell you,' I said.

‘I know,' said Hils.

‘I'm sorry. I tried.'

‘You are not to blame,' said Hils.

‘Why would no one join our rebel army?'

‘They lack intestinal fortitude.'

That's the army way of saying, ‘Because they're scaredy-cats.'

‘What are we going to do?' I said.

‘Devise another strategy,' said Hils. ‘We have one hour. The Stinkly Wrinklys will not be here for one hour.'