Chase the Stars (Lang Downs 2 ) (11 page)

Chris shrugged. “I guess so. It’s no fun talking about it, but now everyone knows, so maybe that’ll be the end of it.”

“I don’t know if Carley will let it go at that,” Jesse said, “but most of the men won’t care one way or another. Jackaroos tend not to pry into other people’s business because more than a few of us have pasts of our own we’d rather not discuss.”

“You included?”
“Me included,” Jesse said, although if Chris asked, he’d tell him. Deciding to change the subject, he pointed upward. “Look at that sky. Have you ever seen stars like that? You can see a few of them in Melbourne, but nothing like this.”
Chris looked up obediently. Jesse stepped up directly behind him so he could guide Chris’s gaze to the different constellations. “There’s the Southern Cross,” he said. “And Capricorn and Aquarius right overhead.”
Chris turned his head to follow where Jesse was pointing, leaning back against Jesse so trustingly that Jesse almost told him to stop, to choose someone better to rely on that way, but Chris’s body was warm against his in the cool evening air, and Jesse couldn’t stop the memories of how good it had felt to kiss Chris earlier in the day.
“What else is up there?” Chris asked.
“The Milky Way, of course,” Jesse said. “Pisces is just above the horizon, that way.” He pointed to the east. “And the Magellanic Clouds are just a little to the left of it.”
“How’d you learn so much about the stars?” Chris asked. “I remember hearing some of it in school, but not enough to remember it.”
“I’ve spent a lot of lonely nights out with the sheep,” Jesse replied. “Not much to do out there but stare at the stars. I got curious, so I started looking things up. What you can see changes from season to season, so it never gets boring. At least not to me.”
Chris turned in Jesse’s half embrace, his arms settling on Jesse’s hips. “You’ll have to show me more another time.”
“Anytime you want,” Jesse offered. Chris’s closeness had a predictable effect, but Jesse savored the sweetness of the moment instead of rushing headlong into the heat. They had all summer. They didn’t have to jump straight into bed, or a pile of hay, as the case may be.
Chris seemed to share Jesse’s feelings, leaning up for a soft kiss that was an end in itself rather than the prelude to something more. Their lips met, parted, met again, and clung this time, tender and evocative without being demanding. Jesse could sense Chris’s willingness to have it go farther, faster, deeper, but he held back, and Chris followed his lead, keeping the contact light and soft. Reassuring more than needy.
After a moment, Jesse pulled back slightly, resting his forehead against Chris’s, but no longer kissing him. “What are we doing?”
“Enjoying each other’s company,” Chris replied, his voice breathy.
It was both more and less of an answer than Jesse had hoped for. Chris hadn’t asked for declarations or promises that Jesse couldn’t give, which should have been a relief, but a kernel of selfishness inside him wanted Chris to want more. It had been so long since anyone had wanted Jesse for himself rather than for a hot night or a casual fling. Then again, Chris wasn’t pushing him against the wall or into the machine shed to demand more. He was enjoying this moment
with Jesse
exactly as it was, so maybe he did want, if not more, then at least something beyond a one-night stand.
“We should probably go inside,” Jesse said. “You have to get up early in the morning. Kami will be expecting you.”
“In a minute,” Chris said, tipping his head for another kiss. Jesse gave it willingly, enjoying the smoothness of Chris’s lips beneath his. The weight of the cast gave Chris’s embrace a lopsided feel, but that only served to remind Jesse who he was with. Not some random guy he’d picked up at a bar, but Chris, his friend, maybe even his friend with benefits.
But not tonight. The mood wasn’t right to bring it up, and Jesse far preferred the comfort between them to a quick tumble that would spoil this for good.
When Chris finally stepped back, Jesse let him go. “I’ll see you at breakfast?”
“I’ll be there,” Chris promised.

C
HRIS
was all but whistling as he walked into the kitchen the next morning. Kami gave him a suspicious look, but Chris ignored it, starting the eggs for breakfast without waiting to be told. After several weeks of working in the kitchen, he knew the routine.

“Someone’s in a good mood this morning,” Kami said after a few minutes. “If I didn’t know where you spent the night last night, I’d think you’d gotten lucky.”

“Luck comes in all different forms,” Chris replied. His lips were still buzzing from the kisses he and Jesse had shared. He’d resisted the urge to jerk off last night and again this morning, hoping to feel Jesse’s hand sooner than later. Not before tonight, obviously, since they had to work today, but Chris had spent the night dreaming about Jesse and all the things he wanted the jackaroo to do to him.

Kami hummed in reply, and Chris went on with his work and his daydreaming, hoping he’d do enough work to satisfy Kami so the cook wouldn’t ask about the daydreaming.

They got breakfast ready, and Chris even managed to flirt a bit with Jesse across the serving line. Once the jackaroos had headed out for the day and Chris went back into the kitchen to start the lunch preparations, Kami cornered him. “Sit down.”

Kami rolled his eyes. “Don’t give me that ‘sir’ bit. I’m not your father, thank all the gods. You want to tell me what’s going on?”

“Going on?” Chris asked. He didn’t want to have this conversation. He didn’t know what was going on with him and Jesse for one thing, but more than that, he didn’t want to share it with anyone. It was too new, too precious. Even if it was nothing but harmless flirtation, it was his, and he didn’t want to spoil that by sharing it.

“I’m not blind,” Kami said. “I recognize infatuation when I see it. Caine walked around with the same look on his face when he and Macklin started getting together.”

“I’m not infatuated,” Chris protested.
“Then what would you call it?” Kami asked. “You don’t know him, whoever he is, well enough to be in love with him. You’ve only been here a couple of weeks, and you’ve hardly spent any time with anyone other than your brother.”
Chris didn’t reply.
“It must be that new one who’s been helping Patrick out,” Kami said. “Dark hair, green eyes, bit of a swagger. Jesse, maybe?”
“He doesn’t swagger,” Chris protested.
“That is the one then,” Kami said. “You defend him like Caine defended Macklin, even before anyone knew they were together. That boy’s been to a few stations, I’d wager, based on the easy way he fit in here. He’s going to be skittish as a sheep with a pair of dingoes on its heels. He’s used to the way other stations work, not the way Lang Downs does.”
“And how is that different?”
Kami laughed, the sound nearly rusty. “You think every station boss treats his employees like family? You need to go spend a few days at Taylor Peak. You don’t know how lucky you were that Seth found Caine and Macklin and not some other grazier and his men. They might have saved you out of a sense of fair play, but you’d have been left in the hospital with nowhere to go and nothing to do when you lost whatever shite job you had. Instead you’re living in the big house, working part of the day while your brother goes to school and learns a trade that will make him an asset on every station from here to Perth. Jesse, he’s used to being an employee at best, and if they find out he’s a poofter, that’s the end of even that much place on a station. You can’t blame him for protecting himself.”
“But you said Lang Downs isn’t like that.”
“It isn’t,” Kami agreed, “but he’s been here only as long as you have, not enough to trust it even if he’s begun to see it. It goes against everything he’s learned to expect.” “So what do I do?”
“Well, now that depends on you and on what happened between you and on what you want,” Kami said.
“It would help if I knew,” Chris replied honestly.
“You’re young,” Kami said. “No one expects you to have all the answers, but just think a little about Jesse and his experiences and what he might be feeling right now. Right or wrong, he sees a kid who’s just been beaten half to death for being gay, a kid who’s barely had a chance to live and then had to take on responsibility for his brother, a kid who’s maybe had a sweet first love or maybe had a few one-nighters, but a kid who has a lot of living to do before he’s ready to grow up and settle down.”
“So what do I do?” Chris repeated. “I’m lost here.”
“Forget about Jesse for a minute,” Kami said. “You can’t decide what to do about him until you decide what to do about yourself. He’s chosen his path in life. He’s a jackaroo. That doesn’t mean he’ll always be a drifter, but it means he’ll always be on a station somewhere, isolated, living with the land, dependent on the weather and the seasons, and if he doesn’t find a station to settle on, it could mean he’ll never have a real home. Most jackaroos settle somewhere eventually or they get tired of the life and do something else instead. He hasn’t given up yet, and he’s older than most who decide to get out, so this is his life. You’re younger, though. You’ve barely had a chance to experience life yet, much less decide what you want out of it.”
“I know what I don’t want,” Chris said, because that much was true. “I don’t want to be hungry again. I don’t want to worry about having a place to live or enough money to pay the rent. I want a place I can trust, people I can trust to be there when I need them.”
Kami didn’t reply right away, but he leaned back a little and looked around the room. “The old man founded this station seventy-five years ago on a wish and prayer and on the belief that there was a better life ahead. He took the land no one else wanted and turned it into something good and lasting. He knew every jackaroo who came through here, even the ones who only stayed a summer. He paid every one of them a fair wage for their work and made a home for those who wanted more than just a summer’s work. You have to decide if this can be your home, if this is the life you want, but Caine honors his uncle’s legacy.”
“It can’t be that easy,” Chris said.
“Why not?” Kami asked.
“Because… because they don’t know me? Because I don’t know anything about sheep? Because I’m just a kid they rescued from his own stupidity? Because nobody ever wants me around anyway?” The last bit was out before he could stop it. He groaned when he realized what he’d said, letting his head fall to his arms on the counter, hiding from Kami’s reaction.
The hand that patted his shoulder was awkward but comforting nonetheless, giving Chris the courage to peek up at Kami. The expression on the older man’s face was the exact opposite of the derision and pity he expected. Instead he saw such sympathy he nearly lost his control over the tears that threatened.
“Nobody wanted me until I got here,” Kami said softly. “Nobody wanted Macklin. Neil was kicked off more stations than you can count for picking fights with other jackaroos. Even Caine thought nobody really wanted him until he got here, and you think any of us knew anything about sheep? Well, except maybe Neil since he’d worked at other stations first. Caine had never even been on a farm before, much less on a working sheep station. It’s your choice, Chris, just like it was all of ours. Maybe Lang Downs isn’t the right place for you. It isn’t the right place for everyone—it never has been—but don’t lump us in with all the people in your past who judged you for whatever reason. There’s no judgment here. If you want to learn, Macklin will teach you. If you want to stay, Caine will find a place for you. You’ll work harder for them than you’ve ever worked in your life, probably harder than you’d work at any other station because they expect more of their men, but you’ll never miss a meal, you’ll never be without friends, and you’ll never worry about having a roof over your head, because that isn’t the way we work around here. We take care of our own, and all you have to do is claim your place.”
“If that’s true, then this is heaven on earth,” Chris murmured.
“Welcome to paradise,” Kami replied, his face so serious Chris could almost believe it was real.
Almost.
“Go follow Neil around today instead of hanging out with the mechanics,” Kami said. “You can’t do much with the sheep, but you can learn the commands to talk to the dogs. If you’re going to stay, you’ll need to know how to work with all the animals, unless you’re planning on being my kitchen slave for life.”

J
ESSE
told himself he wasn’t looking for Chris as he walked toward the canteen for dinner, but Chris hadn’t come to the machine shed that afternoon as had become his habit, and Jesse didn’t know quite what to make of that. He didn’t want to think he’d done something to alienate Chris already. The kissing and the potential for more aside, Jesse enjoyed Chris’s company. The rest was icing on the cake. He’d missed Chris that afternoon, missed his smile as he handed Jesse tools and his conversation as he kept Jesse company and tried to pretend he understood some of what the mechanics were talking about as they worked.

Seth and Jason had been absent that afternoon as well, probably stuck at the computer doing schoolwork, leaving only Patrick and the other two mechanics, somewhat older men who knew each other from years of working side by side and didn’t feel the need to fill the time with idle conversation. Fortunately they’d finished rebuilding the tractor engine that afternoon, so shearing would start in the morning. It would be at least a week of grueling, sweaty work, but it would be outside with the other jackaroos, and it would keep him too busy to think about Chris and how innocently trusting he’d been in Jesse’s arms.