Chasing Kane (12 page)

I feigned a horror-movie gasp, which made her laugh.

“You’re too good to me,” she said, giving me a playful pinch on the side.

“Get over here.” I grinned, pulling her head close to my chest, kissing the top of it before leading her back to bed.

Given I only hung out with road-musicians most of the time, I didn’t have very many friends with children. At least not
wives
and children. A lot of guys had a couple of kids from different wives, stereotypically scattered from coast to coast, but there weren’t a lot of families in this part of the business. I tried not to focus on those facts as Georgia drifted off to sleep with her cheek on my chest.

As my eyelids gave way to the ticking of the clock, I realized one thing for sure; if this family life was one I wanted—and I did, badly—then it was time to call the people who seemed to be winning at family life
and
the music industry.

“I was wondering when I’d hear from you,” Ember answered brightly when I called.

I lowered my head as if I were in her presence and wanted to appear as bashful as I felt. “Sorry, love. You know how it is.”

She laughed. “Road life. I do. You guys are doing well, I hear. And, I trust when you mosey on into Massachusetts and have your break, you’ll stay with us even for a few days?”

“Of course,” I answered with a smile.

My sister, Darcy, was five years older than me and wrapped up with her corporate job in Boston and family life. I didn’t resent this, as we enjoyed each other’s company when we were around each other, but we’d never been particularly close. Ember Cavanaugh was like the chummy sister I never had.

I met her at a beachfront bar in Barnstable, MA, when her last name was still Harris, and I’d just finished a long teaching stint in Ireland. I was looking for my next project. She and Bo were just dating then, and barely at that time—they’d just met, or were on a break … it was still confusing. But, I met and became completely enamored with Bo’s younger sister, Rae.

It was kind of a head-over-heels, fast-paced summer romance that swallowed us until a freak horseback riding accident took her away. And I’d been the only one to witness it. We were trail riding and a bees’ nest put the period at the end of our brief, intense affair.

It was really after that that Ember and I grew a lot closer. We were certainly brother and sister-like before that, but in the days, weeks, and months after Rae’s death, we formed a sort of haphazard family between all of us, Bo included. Ember’s parents lived out in San Diego at the time, but traveled most of the year, the life-long hippies they were, and Bo and Rae had been orphaned years earlier when their parents were in a car accident, so even though I had family in Cape Cod, Bo, Ember, and I kind of became each other’s home.

“So what’s up, buttercup?” Ember’s sentence was highlighted by toddler sounds in the background.

“How’s the crew?”

She sighed. “Loud. Messy.”

“And how are you, like, feeling?” Her second pregnancy—with Vivian Rae—had been a doozy. She even had to spend time in the hospital early on because she was sick so much.

“Loads better than last time,” she admitted, sensing the origins of my question. “But I’m sure you didn’t call to talk to me about the finer points of pregnancy … did you?”

“Actually …”

She gasped, then said, “Shh! Just shh. I’m. On. The. Phone. Sorry, Regan, what was that? Is Georgia pregnant?” Her voice rose expectantly at the end of her sentence.

“No, but—”

“
Jackson! Shut it! Seriously!
Do you see me on the ph—oh, great, now you made your sister cry. Sorry,” Ember returned to our conversation, sounding a little out of breath, “give me a second?”

“Take your time,” I answered, peeking over my shoulder at a still-sleeping Georgia. It was only six in the morning here, so Ember’s day had been underway for hours already.

“Bo?” I heard her call. Her voice sounded like she’d stepped outside. “Bo! Can you, like, take Jax for a minute? Regan’s on the phone, Viv needs to eat … yeah, I’ll tell him. He says hi,” she said to me, sounding all of a sudden like she was in a tunnel of silence.

“Tell him hi. Later,” I said, laughing. “You all set? Want me to call back?”

“God no. I just locked myself in the bedroom to feed Viv. She’s distractible enough now that she can walk and never wants to sit down, but having an almost four-year-old boy in both of our faces at feeding time really doesn’t help things. Sorry, talking to me on the phone must sometimes feel like talking to someone with Tourette’s.”

I let out a laugh a bit louder than intended, causing Georgia to stir a little. Once she settled back into sleep I thanked God that she’s usually a heavy sleeper, then snuck out of our room, down the stairs, and into the fresh Pacific Northwest air.

I decided to just let it out. “So … Georgia and I are talking about having a baby.”

“Nice,” she answered brightly, if not a bit cautiously.

“But we only have been, like,
trying
for a month or two … but we stopped, like…”

“You can say words to me, Regan.”

I laughed, instantly relaxed. “We stopped using any birth control stuff a few months ago. Not really
trying
but not preventing. Georgia’s freaked out that she’s not pregnant yet. She melted down last night a little. She was fine by the time we went to bed, but I know her … this insecurity won’t go away until she’s pregnant.”

“Then it will be replaced by pregnancy insecurities and parenting insecurities,” Ember said flatly.

“Helpful.”

“Truthful. Look, Georgia mentioned to me a while ago that you guys were trying. She asked for advice, or whatever, and I told her the biggest thing was to relax and surrender. That’s it. Even if there
was
a medical issue preventing her from getting pregnant, doctors wouldn’t even take her concerns seriously until you guys have tried for, like, a year.”

My throat went dry. “Could it take that long?”

“It did with Viv,” Ember admitted.

“I didn’t realize …”

“It wasn’t a big thing … but once we decided to have kids we kind of wanted them close together. I mean, look, I’m breastfeeding my 14-month-old while five-months pregnant with baby number three. It seems crazy but we just didn’t want to spend like ten years having kids. Jax was just over one when we decided we were ready to try for baby two. They’re almost three years apart if that tells you anything. Part of it was an ovulation thing—some women ovulate when they’re nursing, some don’t. I didn’t with Jax … apparently I do now,” she laughed, giving a contented sigh and I heard the soft babble of Vivian Rae, apparently through with her breakfast, or whatever.

“So what’d you do? What’d Bo do?”

“It wasn’t such a struggle emotionally because we already had one baby. But, with Georgia … you
know
she’s sensitive and insecure—even more sensitive than I am. Just be patient. Love on her. Listen.”

There was a long silence between us before Ember spoke again.

“And,” she added, “make sure this is something you both want and are both ready for.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I didn’t say it with any sort of
tone
, but that sentence is hard to interpret with anything but.

Ember took a deep breath. “It doesn’t necessarily
mean
anything. But … look … take me, for instance. I was pretty certain for most of my life that I didn’t want kids. Or, if I did, that I’d want to settle all the way down and not travel the way my parents did.”

“Well,” I interrupted, “they didn’t really
travel
in the conventional sense. They were more … nomadic.”

“You get my drift,” she answered with a chuckle. “All I mean is, who knows what they actually want ever, anyway? It wasn’t until Bo and I were married and kind of stretching out our limbs in our combined lives that we reevaluated where we were at with everything. And we
keep
reevaluating. Who wants to live the same marriage year after year and call that a life?”

“So what changed?” I asked, shifting my weight from foot to foot.

“I don’t know,” she admitted. “I guess I kind of grew up and let my assumptions go, and so did Bo. We’re having more kids than I thought I wanted, and traveling more than either of us thought we would. And I certainly never thought I’d be a professional musician. But we just kind of … take life as it comes.”

“You gonna keep traveling once this baby comes?” I admired the pace they were able to keep, but it was so different from Georgia and me because Bo and Ember
worked
together.

“Probably. I’m due in the winter, which is actually nice, because by the time spring and summer come and festivals start up, I’ll be out of my post-birth haze that usually lasts three or four months. I’m sure we’ll stay local for a while, like we usually do, but we also haven’t figured out what will happen when it’s time for Jackson to go to Kindergarten.”

“Guess that’s more of the reevaluating stuff, huh?”

She chuckled. “Guess so. Well, that’s enough talk of my breasts and ovaries. How’s everything else? CJ seems to be doing well from what we hear.”

I nodded instinctively. “He’s right in his element and is getting even better if you can believe it.”

“You think Yardley will offer him something?” she asked of our manager.

“Hard to say, but it wouldn’t surprise me. He’s filling in for another band’s drummer. Guy got in a bar fight and broke his arm.”

“He still on the outs with Frankie?” Ember asked as if I were one of the girls.

I sighed, then laughed a little. “I guess. I’m trying really hard to stay out of it, but you
girls
are making that damn near impossible.”

“That’s because we can’t talk to him like a normal human being, so we gotta go through you. I like Frankie. This breakup hasn’t been easy on her.”

I huffed and laughed at the same time. “That’s what Georgia said. I didn’t realize you and Frankie had gotten that close.”

Ember sighed. “Well when
you
took off to Cali-friggen-fornia, I
had
to befriend CJ.” She paused, chuckling. “Just kidding. He’s actually not terrible, and was far more palatable when he was with her. And I like her a lot. She’s smart and not in the industry, which is good for him. Maybe it’s good for all of us to have someone around who’s not steeped in our world.”

“I guess, though it must also be nice to share your complete passion with Bo, huh?”

“Sure, but we also each have our own things. He doesn’t bother me with yoga, and I’ve taken on a more supportive role at DROP.” DROP was the name of Bo’s drug prevention organization started while Rae was still alive. She’d struggled with drug abuse in her teens, and their parents used some of their millions to fund the program. When they died, the program was in Bo and Rae’s hands. Now everything was on his shoulders.

I should call him more.

“Regan? Where’d you go?”

“Is Bo doing okay?”

“He’s fine,” she answered almost dreamily. It warmed my heart to hear the love they had for each other, even when I was three thousand miles away. “So. To recap. Don’t panic about the baby thing. Be patient, loving, and listen.”

“Got it. Thanks.”

“Love you, Regan.”

I smiled, in need of a hug. “Love you too, Ember.”

When I returned to the room, Georgia was sitting up in bed, looking around, confused.

“Did I wake you?” I asked.

She shook her head. “No, but where’d you go?”

I nodded to the door. “I was talking with Ember and didn’t want to wake you.” I slid off my T-shirt and removed my jeans, sliding into bed next to her.

She nuzzled into my chest as soon as we got settled, and breathed deeply, already half asleep.

“They doing okay?”

“Yeah,” I whispered, kissing the top of her head. I didn’t want to draw too many questions from my conversation with Ember, since I’m a terrible liar. “She said Frankie’s a mess. Like you said.”

Georgia clicked her tongue against her teeth and shook her head. “Well,” she yawned, “maybe it will be good for both of them to be apart for a while and decide if being together makes them better people, or worse. Brian and Randy are separated,” she added, sounding further and further into sleep.

“What?” My tone was a little loud for the quiet, darkened room, but Georgia didn’t startle. She just nodded, and yawned again.

“Big dreams, all coming true … you know … where was their relationship in all that? Hey … you were out of bed around midnight with the light on at the desk. Everything okay?”

I nodded, preparing a non-lie. “You know me. I can’t sleep sometimes when I’ve got music in my head. I was just jotting it down for later.”

Until I got more information on Brian and Randy’s separation, and Georgia’s state of mind, there was no way I was going to worry her with an insignificant, non-project I was working on for Yardley in my spare time. Because I don’t know how, in her emotional state, I could make Georgia believe that it
wasn’t
me being a workaholic and avoiding starting a family or, at the very least, delaying it.

Because that wasn’t it.

It wasn’t it at all.

This was just something my boss was asking me to do to help her out. And I’d be getting paid—
well
. And, since I had a lot of non-partying time on my hands while on the road, why shouldn’t I take on some side work?

I was tired, but couldn’t fall back to sleep.

Be sure it’s something you both want.

Ember’s words bounced off the walls of my mind as I tossed and turned. At some point, I looked over at a sleeping Georgia, and a swelling feeling of contentment filled my chest. Our marriage was solid and we loved each other deeply and uniquely. I felt a sense of completeness with her that I didn’t think I’d been missing before we got together.

Maybe that’s what this whiff of anxiety was all about for me. Maybe I just didn’t know how wonderful it would be to have kids until we had one. I never dreamed of having kids. Hell, I’d never sat around and dreamt about being married either, but here I was, madly in love with a fantastic woman who I got to spend the rest of my life with.