Cheaters Anonymous (6 page)

I could feel my mouth fall open. He stayed away for my benefit? Did he not know that it had only done more harm than good? If we had only reconnected after that night, maybe I wouldn’t have fallen victim to my impulses. No, I couldn’t blame anyone for that other than myself.

“Scar, I didn’t know.”

“I thought after a while it’d get better, but no matter how many times I told myself that I’d hurt you, my desire for you only grew. And I know I can’t have you. You’re off limits. There’s no way I’d fuck you over like I did everyone else.”

His words only ignited a fire inside me. Two years ago, I’d have wanted him to fuck me left, right, and center. I’d have wanted him to take my body and do as he pleased before throwing it away. One night would have been enough… or would it?

“I’ve been searching for the feel of your skin, taste of your mouth and sound of your moans in each woman I fucked. None came close because I realized that none of them were you. I don’t want to be the guy who slept with you once, and you know I would. But now that I see you, I can’t imagine having you just one time. And I’m not sure how I can make that work. I haven’t been friends with another woman beside you, ever. So do you see the problem I’m running into here? I want you, Jules, but that means I will hurt you, and I can’t do that. I can’t lose you again. And I’m sorry I caused you so much pain.”

Could we really be just friends? Was it possible to pick up where we’d left off so many years ago? At this point, not having Scar in my life at all felt inconceivable. I knew that the moment I saw him, but didn’t want to admit it. I couldn’t just walk away, and I could no longer hide how much I wanted him. Yet that voice inside me, the one people referred to as conscience or reason, was banging with its fists right into my brain that this was a mistake. The choice I made today could potentially lead me on a destructive path. My pulse sped. After I’d seen him at the hospital, I just wanted to know that he was well. But now, I was not only curious about his life, I wanted to be in his life. I didn’t know how to do that, but leaving tonight was not an option. And instead of a struggling artist, I found the businessman that I had always known was inside of him. I found the man who had more than once saved my life, and was scarred deeper than I expected. He was the epitome of handsome: strong, successful, and so utterly hot. Yeah, staying friends would be impossible no matter how hard I tried.

“Scar, I can’t lose you either, but I’m not sure we can be just friends.” I lowered my head. “It’s just that, well, I have some issues, and being close to you would definitely not help me resolve them.”

“Please don’t push me away, Jules. Not now.” The pain in his eyes was as if he’d just witnessed me slashing a bunch of newborn kittens.

What if I pretend he’s my patient?

I helped people every day. It seemed to be the only thing I was good at. The hospital was the only place where I could stash away the needs and temptations because I loved my job.

I could make up an illness for him. Like, he’s suffering from a disease called ‘gorgeous.’ Then I could pretend I had to see him to inspect his body and make sure that his level of gorgeousness hadn’t diminished.

I shook my head. This was already making me stupid on the inside. What was it that my counselor had said to me?
“You need to deal with reality, Julia.”

Right, deal with what’s real and what I can control. Tell him how I feel.

“Scar, if we stay in touch, I don’t want another note.” Honestly, I already knew I couldn’t let him go, and I wouldn’t allow him to push me away either – even if it hurt me and I’d end up crawling out of this on my hands and knees, or sitting in the corner of a room, sobbing. Even if each time I saw him, I’d drown in my own juices and would have to wait hours until I found relief. I had a debt to pay. After all, he’d saved my life. “To be honest with you, I haven’t been friends with another guy since you. I’m not sure if I remember how to do this ‘friend’ thing.”

“Sooo, you want me to be like, your fuck buddy, also?”

I rolled my eyes.
Typical Scar.

“I don’t fuck... anymore.”

“Shit, Jules.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “That only makes me want to fuck you that much more.”

Was he kidding? Why did it seem like he wasn’t?

“Shut up. You can’t say things like this to me, Scar.” I pushed into him with my side. While it was an instinctive little shove, something told me my body was betraying me again. “If you keep this up, you’re going to lose the extra privileges at the ER department.”

“I definitely don’t want to do that. The nurses at the hospital were hot.” He snapped his fingers in that weird way only guys knew how to do.

“You were lucky enough to catch a good shift.”

“So, are we gonna go out on a friendly date or something? You know, to catch up?” he asked.

“I don’t date, Scar.”

“No one?”

I shook my head.

“That’s good, because I don’t date either.” He grinned. “That’s why I said a friendly date. Wait a minute – were you asking me for a one-night stand kind of date?”

“Now you’re pushing it.” I reached for my drink the waiter had brought and sipped the tomato concoction. My suction reached the bottom of the glass just as the waiter brought two more bloody Caesars.

“Would you say yes?” I asked.

God, kill me now!
Patience for me only existed at the hospital, and my level of curiosity spiked whenever Scar was around.

“I don’t think so. I told you, I’d hurt you.”

“Then I’m not asking,” I said.

“Too bad. Maybe I would have changed my mind.”

“You’re such a man.”

“Exactly, Jules. I’m a man who will inevitably cheat. No matter how much you like me, or how much you want my cock, I will never sleep with you.” He had that smug look on his face I couldn’t resist.

I pushed into him again. Warmth sizzled off his arm. If my body didn’t stop jerking toward him, I’d lose the last ounce of control I had. “Scar, I’ve seen so many cocks in my life, I’m pretty sure I’m immune.”

That of course was a lie. At the memory of how huge and hard and beautiful Scar was when trapped in that pump at the hospital, I clenched my thighs.

“I doubt that, Jules. No one can be immune to the basic human need to procreate.” He then leaned in closer, his breath tickling my ear. “And if you thought my fingers inside you felt good six years ago, you’d crumble at the feel of me balls-deep in your pussy.”

My heart hammered, and my panties at this point were a lost cause. No muscle in my body would be spared an ache. The room felt hotter and so did I. Why did being with Scar Wagner feel like I was already dating him and all I wanted was to do a spread eagle right in the middle of this table?

“You’re just high on yourself. And I thought you just said you’d never sleep with me.” I took another sip. “By the way, I’m not inexperienced, so your dirty talk doesn’t have the same effect on me it could have had years ago.” Yes, this was a lie, because all Scar had to do was look at me for me to begin panting.

“I’m telling you how it is, and you seem to pique my curiosity each time you speak.”

When I looked at Scar, I saw that young boy I remembered. The one with that glimmer in his eyes moments before his lips touched my skin. Arousal rained down on my body just thinking about it. No matter how many men I slept with, Scar was always the one who had gotten away. Not that I wanted him – well, I did, but not that way – not like any other man. And definitely more than once.

“Okay, enough about your need to get into my panties. So are we really going to try this friend thing? Because if you want me to put all the cards on the table...”

...or just flip me over on it...

“...I’m not good at being friends with men.”

Yes, I was being a hypocrite.

His scarred lip lifted. “Yeah, we are. As long as I’m the only male friend you have, we’ll be fine. There’s no way I’m letting you go.”

Wait, what did he mean by that?
The simple statement meant much more to me than it should have.

“Tell me about this club. You don’t dance?”

“Rarely.”

“Then last weekend, at the hospital. Was that part of your performance? And what about the paint?”

“No, that wasn’t part of the show. It was a stupid dare.”

“You know, I can still smell paint on you.”

He smiled. Something new crossed his face: a pride I’d never seen before. And then it all faded. The mature look suited him. It was honest, caring, and so damn sexy, I felt some sort of a weird dance happening inside me – and I couldn’t even control it.

“Jules, are you okay? I mean, you’re not dating, you don’t fuck. What happened?”

“Yeah, I’m okay… now. I wasn’t before, but I’m getting better. I was in a bad place for a long time, but I got help. You know, there’s this place I know that could help you understand your father as well.”

“I understand why he cheated. It was in his nature. It’s human nature.”

“Maybe you could forgive him and move on.”

“Already moved on.”

Doubting him, I reached inside my purse and handed him a card. “It’s an open group. You don’t need to be a cheater to attend, but talking to people who face similar problems can help. There’s no judgment.”

He slid the candle from the center of the table closer to the edge.

“Cheaters Anonymous?”

“It’s much more than that. It’s about infidelity, intimacy, needs we sometimes can’t understand and…” I paused. “Sex addiction.”

Scar froze. He looked at me as if he was trying to see inside my soul, and honestly, I really thought he saw through me. As I shifted, wondering whether I had told him more than he was ready to hear, his jaw tensed, sharpening at its corners. “Oh, Jules. Now I wish I’d called.”

“It’s not your fault.” I shook my head, holding back the weird tingling in my throat.

I didn’t mean for him to take new blame on himself. I was the reason it had all started. I had decided to sleep around – no one made the choice for me. And everything rolled downhill from there. The great thing about being in medical school was easy access to STD clinics. Chris, my current co-worker, volunteered there, and I guess my regular visits put up a red flag for her. She was the first person I opened up to about my problems. With her guidance I moved to New York. There was a job opening at the hospital she was moving to. I thought it was the best idea ever; after all, I would be in a new city full of men I hadn’t fucked. Little did I know Chris had an agenda of her own, and she slowly introduced the idea of joining Cheaters Anonymous. But it wasn’t until I ended up at a hospital half alive that I acknowledged I had a problem. My mother had already moved back to New York, and my sister got an offer to work at a brand new studio. It was perfect timing.

With Chris and Zoey’s help, I fought my addiction. Sometimes, actually quite often, I still felt like I was fighting it.

“If I had been there...”

“Then it’s possible I would have ruined a friend,” I jumped in.

“Those guys were scum. I can’t believe they used you.”

I covered his hand with mine. “Scar, it was me who used them. They were a high for me. A way to deal with... issues. A way to forget. But it’s over now. It’s all over.”

“What were you trying to forget?”

You.

“It doesn’t matter now. It’s behind me.”

“Men are scum,” he repeated.

“Not all men. You may not know it, but you’re my favorite man of all.” This time it was me who leaned in to kiss his cheek. I wanted him to know that he had a friend in me and that he could count on me.

“Thanks, Jules. But truth is truth. I’m not the anomaly you’d like me to be. You deserve someone better in your life.”

“Didn’t you hear me? I’m fine on my own, and I’m not looking for anyone. I just wanted to see how you were.”

“Well, I’m good. I feel much better now that you’re here. I missed you, Jules.” He lifted his head and reached into the inside pocket of his suit. He slid his finger over the phone and frowned.

“Shit, I need to head to the back. Will you wait for me? Please?”

“Yes, of course.”

He called over a waiter, saying, “Rick, get this lady anything she’d like.”

“Thank you.” He kissed me on top of my head and left.

As I sipped on my drink, going over our conversation, I still couldn’t shake the feeling that someone else was watching me. Earlier in the evening I had thought it was Scar, but the chills that swept over my body made me doubt it. And when the familiar man sat down by my side, I knew it was he who had been staring at me the entire night.

C
HAPTER
6

I sneezed.

He stood by my booth for a few uncomfortable seconds before sitting down. Licking his full lips as if coaxing me to recognize them, he shifted from one foot to another and adjusted his crotch. The stranger at my side was well defined and definitely easy on the eyes, but nothing close to Scar. There was something familiar about him, and I sifted through my memories, wondering whether he was a man I’d fucked and didn’t remember. Yeah, promiscuous wasn’t even close to describing how I used to lead my life.

I’d sleep with a man, fuck him until my muscles ached and bones nearly broke, just to see whether he could live up to my expectations… and then never call him again. I never spent the night, and most of the time I left before he even woke up, usually right after I reached my unsatisfying climax. It was like an art form, one I didn’t want to practice any longer and had no intention of revisiting. During the past six years, no one could even come close in comparison to the way Scar had made me feel that night. And there were so many men I’d been with, I’d fail to recognize most if they walked right past me… or stood in front of me like this guy.

“I’m sorry, but I think you got the wrong table,” I said.

“You don’t recognize me¸ do you?” he asked.

“Should I?” My nerves were beginning to take over as I again wondered whether I knew him, and if so, how well.