Authors: Alan Black
Chewing Rocks (28 page)
Evelyn Queene stood and shouted, “I object.”
The outburst brought silence to the room.
Cleasemount looked at Queene, “Yes,
sweetie, I am sure that you do. You are Evelyn Queene, are you not?”
“Yes. I am Evelyn Queene
and I object to being hauled in front of this kangaroo court.”
“Well, Miss Queene. First thing
s first, shall we? Please have a seat. I will answer your objection in a moment. Please, if you would be so kind? Thank you.”
Cleasemount
sat and surveyed the room, nodding to a few people here and there. “Good day to everyone. I am Therese Cleasemount, free citizen of Ceres and a full time resident of Arizona City. Please address me as Miss Cleasemount for the duration of this meeting. Are there any objections to that?” She looked pointedly at Queene, but didn’t get a response.
Cleasemount continued, “
I have been selected by lot to act as arbiter in a dispute between Miss Chastity Snowden Whyte and Mister Roberto Hector Amarnez Montoya Cicero Maneros Gullie Gutierrez.” There were blank stares in the room. “Mister Gutierrez is also known as Sheriff Bob. He has also been called a lying, cheating, adulterous butt-wipe, but for the purposes of this meeting he will be addressed as Mister Gutierrez.”
Sheriff Bob stood up. “Come on, Therese
, isn’t that kind of prejudicial against me? I mean, Miss Cleasemount.”
“Mister Gutierrez, how would that be prejudicial? We do not have a panel of arbiters, no such thing as a jury, or anyone to prejudge. I am the sole individual whose opinion counts, as you have all agreed to this binding arbitration. I am also the one who called you the lying, cheating, adulterous
butt-wipe. Are you denying you have been any of those things?”
“No, Miss Cleasemount
,” Sheriff Bob shook his head, “you know I ain’t. I already stipulated to all of that during our divorce hearing and we don’t need to drag those old videos out to watch again. My objection is that I object to being called ‘mister’. I am an elected official with an approved city title as authorized in our bylaws. It would be prejudicial against me to not recognize that when addressing me. I should be addressed as Sheriff, Sheriff Bob or, if you insist, Sheriff Gutierrez.”
Cleasemount looked at Sheriff Bob. She gritted her teeth for a moment and then nodded. “Miss Whyte, are the warrants you have in place against this man in reference to him in a personal nature as an asshole or related to his
duties as an elected law enforcement official.”
Sno stood, “Miss Cleasemount, I guess they are about how he was acting as sheriff.”
Cleasemount shook her head, “You guess or you know? They are your complaints, Miss Whyte. Either you know or you don’t. Surely you were taught that much as a child, because Lord knows, I wouldn’t have a clue about what you have been or have not been taught.”
Sno wanted to snap back a retort, but she thought better of it. “I am sorry, Miss Cleasemount. I am sure my warrants against Mister Gutierrez are related to his actions in his capacity as sheriff. However, I believe he has interjected his personal feelings
into his actions and it clouded his judgment.”
Cleasemount smiled
a bit too sweetly and without any evidence of sincerity at all, “Since we are all human beings, it is impossible to not interject our personal feelings. It is very difficult for most people to keep those feelings from clouding their judgment, as feelings make up a significant portion of who and what we are, especially as it relates to our interactions with other individuals. However, I do recognize the nature of your warrant against this man states he used his elected position to further his personal agenda; sort of like being hired to investigate a man for cheating on his wife and then sleeping with the little tart because she was feeling vulnerable. Isn’t that what you mean?”
Sno looked over at Sheriff Bob, “Um, sorry
, Miss Cleasemount, I don’t know anything about anyone cheating, but yes. He was using his elected position to unduly harass me.”
Cleasemount nodded, “Yes, Miss Whyte
, your warrant does state that.” She looked over at Sheriff Bob. “Request approved. For the purposes of this arbitration we shall address this person as Sheriff Gutierrez. However, I want it recognized by all present that Sheriff Gutierrez is here under warrant and he is not testifying as an elected official, except when he is.”
Sno was startled, “What? I mean, pardon me, Miss Cleasemount. How can he be both?”
Cleasemount looked at Sno, “It’s either way too late or way too early to be asking me for a pardon. However, both of you can sit your butts in your chairs and I will try to explain.
Cleasemount spoke to the entire room, but made sure she was facing Wyckoff’s official video camera.
“First, I was drawn as an arbiter for the dispute between Miss Whyte and Sheriff Gutierrez, and only that dispute. However, as everyone in this burg over the age of three knows, there is a lot more going on than that. In fact, I understand from reading just these specified warrants this issue between these two parties is very peripheral to the whole situation. In the past few hours there have been enough warrants filed to match the size of a Charles Dickens novel. And some of these warrants are just as imaginative and hard to understand as ol’ Chuck’s stories.
“Therefore, in my capacity as
arbiter for the dispute between Miss Whyte and Sheriff Gutierrez I have decided, in the interest of expediency, to co-op the whole shooting match and hear all of the warrants and issues related, whether they are peripheral or fully germane.”
She looked at Evelyn Queene, “Now, Miss Queene.”
Queene looked confused, “Sorry, Your Honor?”
Cleasemount said politely
and slowly as if she were instructing a second grader, “Please stand when you are addressing me, Miss Queene. That is not out of respect for me personally or even as the arbiter, but so that you may be more easily identified on the meeting video. Also, Miss Queene, you are to call me Miss Cleasemount not ‘your honor’.” She turned to write her name on the whiteboard behind her, but realized she wasn’t in her classroom. Instead, what was behind her was a large video screen showing the official recording. She grabbed a stylus off the table and wrote her name on the pad in front of her. The screen behind her immediately split into two, one showing the proceedings, the other showing her name spelled out in plain clear block letters.
Cleasemount looked at Wyckoff. The old man grinned at the recognition of his
button pushing skill for putting both images on the screen at the same time.
Cleasemount continued.
“Miss Queene, you had an objection earlier. Now would be the time to restate that objection.”
Evelyn Queene drew herself up,
straightening her hair and clothing, “Miss Cleasemount, I object to being forced into this hearing.”
Cleasemount replied, “I have read the warrants against you, Miss Queene and I would object to having to answer them too, but what specifically are you objecting to: the location, the public access, my co-opting of the warrants, me personally?”
Queene said, “I refuse to recognize the right of this trumped up little court to try these charges against me.”
Cleasemount tapped the screen in front of her erasing her name from the screen. She called up a document and had it displayed. “Miss Queene, is that your signature at the bottom of this visa form?”
Queene said, “Yes I signed that, and yes I read it. But, I assumed it was for minor disputes. It is barbaric to submit to any sort of summary arbitration on attempted murder charges without the benefit of lawyers, a jury and a real judge.”
Cleasemount replied, “
Miss Queene, your assumptions do not hold any validity within the confines of this hearing. By all accounts you manage a very successful company. I am sure you would not attempt to define any business contract based on your assumptions, so I honestly doubt you would do the same on any personal contract. Your objection is simply obstructionist in nature. All you are trying to do is lawyer your way out of this hearing. Therefore, your objection to the overall authority of this arbitration is rejected. Miss Queene, you should have objected to our bylaws before you agreed to them.”
Queene shouted back, “I tried to object, but you people said I either agreed or you wouldn’t let me off the ship that brought me here.”
Cleasemount nodded. “Rightfully so; you either play by our rules or you can’t play at all.”
Queene continued to stand.
Cleasemount asked, “Do you have other objections? Do you object to this room? If so, your objection is rejected. Do you object to this being broadcast publicly? If so, your objection is rejected. Do you object to my selection as an arbiter between Miss Whyte and Sheriff Gutierrez? If so, I will tell you now I had the same objection. I didn’t see any way out of it so why should you object? Your objection is rejected. As far as I can see the only objection from you is whether I am within my rights to co-op all of these warrants and lump them together into one hearing. Do you object to that? For that matter, does anyone in this room who has issued a warrant or has a warrant issued against them, object to my cramming this whole ball of wax into one arbitration hearing?”
The room was silent.
Queene sat down heavily in her chair.
Cleasemount s
hook her head unhappily. “I was really hoping someone could think of a valid objection to my taking over this mess. I sure object to it. I just do not see how we can untangle this mess if we have piecemeal hearings. It could go on for weeks, with people coming and going, trying to get to this meeting and then rush to be at that one. This whole thing is a six pound pile of equine based waste product in a five pound bucket.”
She sighed, nodded and continued
, “The first question is how to untangle this mess. I considered hearing each warrant by their issued date and time stamp, but that was a confusing nightmare, because you folks were not exactly lined up to file your charges against each other in any kind of orderly fashion. Then, I thought we could just take people in order such as dealing with every warrant concerning our dear sweet Miss Whyte.”
Cleasemount stared at Sno. “But, you Miss
Whyte, seem to have your name mentioned in just about every warrant in this whole bad dream, whether from you, against you or having you as a witness.”
She continued to stare at Sno, “So, best way is to try and handle th
is is in chronological order. That means, for those of you who never finished the second grade, we take each event in the time order it happened.”
Cleasemount stopped for a moment, holding up a finger to indicate she needed a moment. “It just occurred to me I will need to hold judgment until we have arbitrated e
ach warrant, as some issues may cause mitigating factors in later events. Does anyone have any problems with that?” She looked at the people in the crowd, who in turned looked at each other in silence.
Cleasemount sighed, “You people aren’t any help. Okay, unless I miss my guess the first warrant was issued against Miss Whyte by
Bob the bastar…sorry, I mean issued by Sheriff Gutierrez. To whit: Miss Whyte did commit assault and battery against Randall and James Kramer. Oh, for the love of pizza, Sheriff Gutierrez! This turd was cold months ago and everyone above the age of three has seen the video. Do you really want to dredge this up out of its rightful place in the outhouse? Further, despite what most people think, it has been pointed out that Randy and Jim didn’t file any charges against Miss Whyte, although they are both able, mentally and physically, to sign said warrants. This warrant was filed in direct violation of our bylaws.”
Sheriff Bob stood, “Yes, Miss Cleasemount
, I do wish to continue. Although, at this point I would advice Miss Whyte to object to your presence as the arbitrator because these boys are your nephews and mine. I am not sure she is familiar with the family dynamics in this situation.”
Sno stood, “The sheriff is right
only in that I didn’t know who was related to who until a little while ago. But, I will restate my position that I don’t have any objection to Miss Cleasemount in any outstanding warrant.”
Cleasemount said, “Whom, Miss Whyte
, it should be ‘who is related to whom’. None-the-less, I do need you to understand that you are accused of a crime against Randall and James Kramer. They are my sister Mabel’s boys and I love them dearly.”
Sno nodded, “Yes, Miss Cleasemount. I understand. And for that matter, I kin
d of like Jim. I guess I like Randy too. They can be kind of goofballs every now and then. I guess that comes from figuring that your uncle is going to pull your rear-end out of the fire every time you play with matches. But, they really are good guys in the long run.”
Cleasemount snorted, “I did say I loved them dearly. I didn’t say I was blind to their foibles
and by that I mean their bad habits. So, Miss Whyte, is this warrant against you true or false?”
Sno smiled, “False, Miss Cleasemount.”
Cleasemount looked at Sheriff Bob. “Do you wish to press your warrant or let this drop?”
Sheriff Bob said, “Continue please, Miss Cleasemount.”