Child of Promise (10 page)

This time, though, it was different. This was Noah who was in pain. This was Millie who might be dying. More than anything, Beth wanted to be of help to them.

As quietly as she could, Beth opened the church’s front door and walked inside. Strange, she mused as she closed the door behind her, how quiet, how suffused in holiness a church seems when it’s empty. As the sun sank slowly toward the cloud-shrouded mountains, a single ray angled its way through one of the stained-glass windows. Just when the stained glass had replaced the plain, clear windows, Beth didn’t know, but the effect was breathtaking as the rapidly waning light suffused the interior with a soft rose, emerald, lavender, and cobalt-blue glow. And it was there in the puddle of color that washed the front pews that Beth found Noah.

He sat in the first pew, his shoulders hunched, his head bowed. Just sat there, unmoving, his body rigid as if he fought some fierce, interior battle. Beth hurried forward. Gone were her earlier doubts. Gone was her personal need to be the all-knowing, infallible physician. Nothing mattered but Noah. Being with him, helping him by sharing his pain.

Beth slid into the pew beside him. He glanced up slowly, the look in his eyes bleak, hopeless, even confused. Beth’s heart twisted.

Scooting close, she wrapped her arms about him. With a groan, Noah came to her, resting his head on her shoulder, clasping her about the waist.

“Why, Beth?” he whispered. “Why Millie? Why now?”

“And why not now? Why not Millie?” she asked. “None of us knows how long we have on this earth, nor can we extend the moment one second longer than what’s decreed. You know that.”

“I don’t know anything anymore!” he cried in anguish. “It’s almost . . . almost as if God’s taking some perverse pleasure in tormenting me, in pulling the rug out from beneath me every time I finally seem to get my bearings again. How much more does He think I can take?”

“It’s not necessarily God’s doing.” No matter how angry she still was with the Lord, Beth refused to vent her own unsettled feelings just now. She stroked Noah’s head. “I think it’s just life. Sometimes the bad just keeps coming for no reason. But you can’t lose hope that the bad will eventually pass, and the happiness will return. You can’t lose hope.”

“Why not? I don’t think God would care one way or another.”

She had never heard him talk like this. If he, a man of God, could fall to such depths in his despair, what hope was left for the rest of them? Surprisingly, the realization frightened her.

“I’ll tell you true, Beth,” Noah said. “I’m near the end of my rope in losing those I love.”

“You haven’t lost Millie yet.”

“But it doesn’t look good for her, does it?”

She licked her lips and looked away. “No, not for the long term it doesn’t. There’s only so much we can do for her.”

“It’s my fault, you know. If she hadn’t had to work so hard to keep up the rectory and take care of me and Emily . . .”

“Don’t.” Beth took Noah by the shoulders and pushed him back to look into his face. “Don’t start whipping yourself for what couldn’t be helped. And do you seriously think you could’ve kept Millie from doing what she did for you anyway? Do you?”

“No. I suppose not.”

“None of us can be less than what we’re meant to be, and Millie has always been a loving, giving person.” She smiled. “And you, you’re the heart of the town, the salt that savors us all.”

His mouth twisted. “Well, at this moment, I feel like my salt has lost its savor. I don’t feel of much use to anyone, especially not to Millie.”

“But you will when it’s needed. You can’t help being what you are, either, Noah Starr.”

“And what are you, Beth MacKay?” As he spoke, Noah’s eyes warmed with affection. “What do you think you were meant to be, meant to give?”

Her hands fell from his shoulders. “I don’t know.” She sighed and shook her head. “I used to think I was meant to be a healer, someone everyone would look up to. But now . . . well, now I’m not so sure anymore.”

“You’re a good doctor, Beth, and getting more and more respected by the day. Why, a lot of people make mention of you and how thorough you are with them and their children.” Noah cocked his head. “Why would you doubt that, or yourself?”

“I don’t doubt my medical abilities. I’m just beginning to realize there has to be more than book knowledge and precise technique. Leastwise, if one really wants to be a good doctor. A good doctor has to understand the heart. Has to be willing to open her own heart.”

“And risk it, too.”

Beth nodded. “Yes. Just like you did with Alice, and like you do every day with Millie and Emily and the people of Grand View. But that scares me, Noah. When I think of the pain of losing someone—the pain you’re going through right now—I want to run away and shut myself off from people.”

“Yet if you did, what a loss it’d be. We need you, Beth. Doc needs you. And you need us.”

She smiled. “Just like we need you, and you need us?”

“Yes, I suppose so,” Noah agreed reluctantly.

“We can do this together, you know.” Beth scooted close and took his hand. “Just as Millie won’t be alone in this, neither will you. I’ll be here. I’ll help you in every way I can. And so will my folks. You know that.”

Noah’s head dipped. For a long moment, he was silent. Then he looked up, meeting her gaze.

“I appreciate that, Beth,” he whispered hoarsely, his eyes glimmering with unshed tears. “More than you may ever know, I truly and deeply appreciate that.”

10

God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever.

Psalm 73:26

On December 2 the MacKays threw a huge birthday party for Sean, who had turned the strapping age of twelve. It was held in the evening, after school had let out for the day. Besides all the MacKays and all of Sean’s sixth grade class, the Starrs were invited as well.

Millie had been to the physician in the Springs, but he had little more to offer than an increase in her medication. For a while the greater dosage did improve most of her symptoms, but as time went on, she began to tire easily again. Still, nothing Beth or Noah could say would deter her from coming to the birthday party.

The main house was in sheer chaos, but it was a happy, life-filled kind of chaos, so everyone tolerated it in good humor. Millie especially reveled in the festivities. Finally, though, with school on the morrow, the cake- and home– made-ice-cream-stuffed children began to trickle homeward.

As Abby, Conor, and Sean saw the children off, Beth helped Claire and Hannah put to right the wreckage. The men gradually adjourned to the parlor for some whiskey and male talk. Once they were out from underfoot, the cleanup went far more quickly.

After all the exhausted but happy MacKay children were put to bed upstairs, the women gathered in the kitchen. Abby put on a kettle of water for tea and set out cups. Claire washed, Hannah dried, and Beth put the clean plates and cutlery away.

Millie, worn out from all the excitement, watched from a chair pulled up at the table.

“Did I mention I’d received a letter from Ian today?” Claire piped up from her place at the sink.

Beth’s head jerked around. She and Claire’s younger brother had formed a fast friendship when Claire had first wed Evan and had come with Ian to Colorado from their home in Scotland. Though Beth and Ian had once imagined they were madly in love, in time their youthful ardor had cooled to a comfortable friendship.

Three years older than Beth, Ian had lived at Culdee Creek until she had gone off to medical school. Then one day, out of the blue, he announced to his sister he was returning to Scotland, and there he remained to this day.

“No, you didn’t mention you’d received a letter,” Beth said as she came to stand beside her sister-in-law. “What did Ian have to say? How is he? And did he ask after me?”

Behind her, Hannah chuckled. “And why would he ask after you in particular? By now, I’d imagine Ian has all but forgotten about you, what with all those bonny Scottish lassies to choose from.”

Beth shot her cousin’s wife a black look. “He’d ask about me because I was his best friend, that’s why.” She turned back to Claire. “Well, what did Ian have to say?”

“Och, he’s verra fine. He’s still in Culdee and working that land he bought. He’s raising Highland cattle, has a large vegetable garden, and he’s quite proud of his snug little croft house. And”—she paused for dramatic effect—“he’s mentioned a wee lass who he claims to be verra fond of.”

As Beth stared in shock, the other women laughed. “Ian? Ian’s going to get married?”

“Well, I couldn’t say.” Claire turned back to her sink full of soapsuds and extracted the last plate. She rinsed it, handed it to Hannah, then pulled the plug, draining the sink. “He didn’t mention marriage, after all. Just that there’s that wee lass.”

Beth wasn’t certain how she felt about Ian being in love with some other woman. It wasn’t as if she wished to marry him, but he could’ve at least checked with her first. They had always shared everything when they were children. Besides, what did Ian really know about women anyway?

“When you write him back,” she said, “tell him not to do anything until he writes me. I need to be certain this is the proper woman for him.”

“And why don’t ye write and tell him that yerself?” Claire asked, grinning at Beth as she wiped her arms on a towel. “He’s not likely, at any rate, to listen as well to his older sister as he is to ye.”

“I suppose you’re right.” Beth thought about it a moment longer, then nodded her head. “I’ll write him tonight and post the letter first thing tomorrow.”

“How are things going with you?” Abby asked a short time later after Hannah and Claire had left for their own houses with their families. Millie had gone to nap upstairs with Emily and the other children while the men finished one last game of checkers. “We don’t seem to see you all that often, and I think about you a lot.”

Beth glanced at her stepmother. “My practice with Doc is picking up now. For a time, I’d some problems scheduling enough patients. Then, on Doc’s advice and with Millie’s prodding, I started getting more socially involved in town. Now, slowly but surely, the patients have started coming.” She smiled and added a spoonful of sugar to her tea. “At this rate, I’ll soon have more work than I know what to do with.”

“Good. I’m glad to hear that’s working out.” Abby leaned her forearms on the table, cradling her own tea between her hands. “And what about your stay with Millie and Noah? You’ve been there how long now? Three months? Any word when Mamie will have an opening in her boardinghouse?”

Beth knew where this was leading, but smiled anyway. “Nope. Mamie finally found a room for the hotel maid, but the Russian man’s family can’t come now until next summer, so he’s next on the list. Guess I’ll be staying on at the Starrs’ indefinitely. What with Millie’s medical problems, Noah needs me now more than ever.”

“You and Noah seem to have settled into a comfortable relationship.”

“Yes, we have. We’re good friends.”

“And are you content with that? Just being friends, I mean?”

“Yes. Why wouldn’t I be?”

Abby shrugged. “Oh, I don’t know. Sometimes living in close quarters can stir old feelings, causing them to rise to the forefront.”

“Or,” Beth countered, “they can dampen them just as easily, too.”

“Well, I was just wondering. Not having seen you much of late, I guess I started making up all sorts of stories in my mind.”

Guilt plucked at Beth. She knew her stepmother really did enjoy having her visit. “I’ve been very busy, Abby. I’ll try to get out to Culdee Creek more often, though, from here on out.”

“Your father would like that. He worries, too.”

“Then tell him not to. I’m fine and getting better all the time.”

“Are you truly, Beth?”

Beth nodded, the surety of her words filling her with a strong sense of peace. She felt cherished again, valued, and fulfilled at so many levels. Being home, among the people and land she loved, was indeed helping her to heal. Not that she didn’t still have a long way to go, but at least now there seemed some hope.

And hope was something she hadn’t had in a very long time.

By Christmas, Millie was faring so badly that Beth and Noah decided she needed additional help during the day. Noah promptly nominated Beth to broach the subject with his aunt.

“Men,” Beth muttered in disgust to Emily as they awaited Millie’s rising one Saturday morning. “They think they’re all so brave and then run off with their tails between their legs first chance they get. As if offering any woman some extra help would ever be taken as an insult!”

“What’s that about men and their tails between their legs?” Millie asked just then as she walked into the kitchen. “I didn’t quite catch all of that.”

Beth wheeled around in her chair, almost spilling her coffee. With a practiced eye, she swiftly scanned the older woman’s appearance. Despite the fact she had just risen from what should’ve been a good night’s rest, Millie looked haggard. Her hands and feet were swollen. Her lips were slightly blue-tinged, and her skin was pale.

“Oh, it wasn’t anything.” Beth made a dismissive gesture. “I was just talking to myself.” She paused. “So, how did you sleep?”

“Okay, I suppose. Had to sit up a couple of times to catch my breath, and that dratted cough . . .” Millie sat down heavily at the table. “I’ll be fine after my first cup of tea, though.”

Beth rose, took up the kettle she’d had steaming on the stove, and made a cup of tea. Then she took a seat across from Millie. “There’s something I’d like to talk with you about,” she said, deciding there was no sense in delaying the inevitable. “I’m thinking it might be a good idea to hire on some help for a while.”

Millie took her time stirring sugar into her tea before looking up. “Some help, you say? Don’t think I’m up to the work around here anymore, do you?”

“Well, I suppose I could pretend to some other reason or dance about the truth, but I won’t. No, you’re not up to the work around here anymore, and you know it. Emily, for one, is getting too big and heavy for you to handle. And overtaxing your heart when there’s no reason—”

“Was this your idea or Noah’s?”

“Both of ours. But you know as well as I it’s as important for Noah as for you, that you start taking it easier. He worries himself sick over you.”

“Yes, I know he does.” She sighed, then took a sip of her tea. “And only for Noah’s sake and Emily’s will I do it. Who did you have in mind? I can’t bear a nervous, flighty sort of woman in my house. She’ll have to be neat and clean and pay attention to details. I won’t compromise my standards, no matter how sick I get.”

Those stringent requirements would eliminate half the women Beth had in mind. And, since she had only three potential candidates . . .

“Well what about Luanne Stout? She’s a good, strong young woman and right now is just helping her mother with the washing and ironing they take in. She’s intelligent and a high school graduate. I even heard she’d like to attend college someday but hasn’t the money.”

Millie appeared to consider the idea. “That might work. The Stouts are God-fearing folk. And if the money would help Luanne get ahead some day . . .” She nodded. “Have her come by so I can talk with her.”

Beth couldn’t believe Millie had seized on the suggestion so quickly. But then Millie always liked helping people, and if any family in Grand View deserved some additional opportunities, it was surely the Stouts.

“Good.” Beth pushed back her chair and stood. “I’ll pay the Stouts a visit first thing after I fix you and Emily some breakfast.”

“Did Noah already leave then? And did he eat anything?”

“He made himself some toast and coffee. Not the heartiest of breakfasts, but more than he used to eat.”

A faint smile teased the corners of Millie’s mouth. “He’s fattening up right nicely of late, isn’t he?”

“I hadn’t really noticed,” Beth replied, grateful she had been stooping down at that moment to fetch the fry pan from the cupboard.

It wasn’t exactly a lie, she thought, her cheeks reddening. She didn’t spend a lot of time looking at Noah. They were both too busy, after all, to see each other all that much.

“Yes,” Millie said, “he’s looking back to his old self. Just hope Luanne Stout knows how to cook. Can’t be having Noah backsliding after all the work I’ve put into him.”

The month of January blew in with its usual bitter weather and heavy snows. But the lowering clouds and sub-zero chill rarely lasted more than a few days before the sun would once more break through. Brilliantly blue skies and blindingly bright, glinting snow, accented by the dark green of ponderosa pines, would then provide ample reward for the earlier periods of gloom. The snow would soon melt, Grand View’s broad dirt streets would transform into muddy trails and, to everyone’s chagrin, buckboards and buggies would mire and sink.