Choices (24 page)

Brandon had called last night while the kids and I were out getting ice cream and talking about the onslaught of school supplies. I couldn’t answer the phone. I couldn’t answer a lot of his calls lately. He was getting nervous I could tell.
Just the idea of him getting nervous made me think of my visitor and the choice I still had to make. Brandon is smart. I’m sure he is starting to figure things out concerning the sickness and the avoidance.

“Hey, Mommy, do you think I could get a Bumble Bee backpack for first grade this year.” Jake requested with his huge blue eyes and eager look of anticipation.

“Well, I don’t see why not. If that’s what you want.”

“Hey, if he’s getting Bumble Bee then I want Camp Rock.”

“Camp Rock? That’s so lame, Brielle.”

“Shut up! Who asked you?”

“Brielle, you know I won’t have you talk to your sister like that. And Vanessa, you can keep your opinions about Camp Rock to yourself.”

“Jeez, Mom, that’s a huge ice cream cone you got going on there.”

“I know. I need a really good treat.”

“I’ll say. I haven’t seen you eat that much ice cream in a really long time.”

“You’re right. I haven’t had this much ice cream in a long time. Sometimes, you just need to do that for yourself, you know, like a have a huge ice cream cone.”

“Hmm…what’s on your mind?” Vanessa quipped.

“My mind
? Nothing but school supplies.”
Gosh, she is sharp as a tack!

“Alright, little people, back in the car it’s time to head home.”

I pulled into the driveway and nearly ran us right into the backyard. Brandon’s truck was already parked in it.

“Woo-hoo, Mommy, Brandon’s here!” Jake screamed with delight as he jumped out of the van.

“What’s Brandon doing here Mom?”
Brielle asked as she scrambled out of the van.

“Oh, he must have some final plans for me to take a look at.”
Oh, this isn’t going to be good. The hairs on the back of my neck are standing at attention. My stomach is swirling and roiling and I don’t think it’s from the ice cream.

I walked into the sunroom and Brandon wasn’t there. I unlocked the back door and walked into the house and I could see his beautiful profile from the back patio. He was looking out at the sunset. The same sunset I viewed as majest
ic and life altering a few weeks ago.

“Brandon!” Jake screamed with delight as he leapt into Brandon’s arms.

“Hey, little man! How’ve you been? I haven’t seen you for a while. I thought I’d drop by and show your Mom some new plans.” He waved a canister in his hands demonstrating his pretense for coming over but I knew better. I could tell by the look in his eyes.

“Hi, girls, how are you two?” He waved at Vanessa and Brielle.

“We’re fine.” Vanessa answered tersely.

“Hey, why don’t you three go find a movie to watch downstairs in the basement, so I can talk to Brandon without too much commotion?”

“Awww, Mommy! Do we have to? I haven’t seen Brandon in a long time and he promised to give me a ride in his truck and go swimming with us someday.”

“Yes, Jake, you need to give us some privacy. It’s late and Brandon will come over another time during the day to go swimming and give you a ride.”

“Promise?”
Jake turned to Brandon.

“I promise, little man.”
He smiled but it seemed forced - not his usual lopsided quick to give away smile.

“Then, you have to shake on it. Daddy says that when men make deals they shake hands.”

“Your Daddy is right, Jake. Here let’s shake.”

“Vanessa, can you take everyone downstairs and get them situated so Brandon and I can have a look at these plans.”

“Sure, Mom. Are you okay?”

“Yes, Vanessa, why wouldn’t I be okay?”
I snapped.

“You just look a little jumpy, that’s all.”

“No, sweetheart, I’m fine. Please go downstairs and make yourselves some popcorn and you can even have soda. Thank you sugarplum.” The tension was thick and suffocating.

“Wow! Ice cream, soda and popcorn all in one night and it isn’t even a birthday party!” Brielle was delighted.

Once everyone was safely tucked away, Brandon gathered me in his arms and kissed me.

“I have been worried about you. You’ve been sick and you have been avoiding my calls. What the hell is wrong?”

His eyes were searching and yearning for an answer. I didn’t know what to tell him.

“Sick? Brandon, I told you I wasn’t sick. I was just overwhelmed. You know, I keep reminding you that I am an old lady.”

“Stop it, Laurel! Stop with the bullshit. First of all you are not old and second you have been avoiding me. Why?”

“Avoiding you? What makes you think that?” I smiled nervously and ran my fingers through my hair.

“What makes me think that?
I call, you don’t call back; simple deduction - Sherlock Holmes 101. And you’re nervous.”

“Nervous? Nonsense.”

“Yes, nervous. You run your fingers through your hair when you’re nervous.” He waved a hand toward my general direction.

“Brandon, the summer is starting to wind down. I need to focus on school supplies, cheerle
ading, football and gearing myself back up for a new nursing schedule. I’m sorry if I made you worry. I’m just preoccupied.”

“Really?
Do you want to hear my theory for why you aren’t calling me back?”

There was something about the tone of his voice that caught my attention. Brandon was always forceful with getting what he wants but it was always tempered with subtlety and gentleness. I didn’t detect any of those qualities this time. His voice was sharp and his eyes were sharper.

“Let me run a few things down for you Laurel. Let’s see, the crying, the vomiting and the avoidance. I may be young, Laurel but I’m not stupid.” He gathered me in his arms again and his eyes were sharp and searching, zeroing in like that stealth bomber look I saw many, many weeks ago.

“Are you pregnant?” He waited and I quivered. I tried so hard to compose myself. I tried so hard to be strong and iron willed. I promised my visitor. I vowed to not hurt him. I died inside lying to him.

“You are, aren’t you? I can tell. Laurel, this is wonderful. I know it’s overwhelming and frightening but we’ll figure it out. I won’t leave you. I love you. We’ll make our own family. I told you that’s what I wanted from the beginning. I don’t need to go to New York or you could come with me. I don’t know. I know I’m rambling here but I’m so excited I don’t know where to start. I love you. Be with me. Belong to me. Be mine and mine only. I want no other, just you Laurel, my beautiful Laurel.”

I heard Paul clear his throat and I heard small footsteps echo in the kitchen.

“Well, forgive me for interrupting.” Paul dropped his suitcase on the patio.

My heart sank to my
feet. My stomach twisted and turned inside out. My skin started to feel too small for my own body. I was frozen to the patio not believing that this could be happening. No, this isn’t happening it’s a scene from a really bad movie. Of course, this time, he wasn’t drunk, which when I think about it probably was a good thing because we’re all still alive. Not that Paul’s violent, but sometimes you just never know.

“Paul? What are you doing here?”

“Well, the last time I checked, I actually live here. And this must be our wonderful architect who is also dappling in a side job. What would you call that – ‘doing my wife’?”

Brandon released me from his arms and actually stepped in front of me to protect me.

“There’s no need for you to be vulgar.”

“Vulgar, really, you think that was vulgar?”

“Paul, why don’t we just let Brandon go and we can talk.”

“Talk? Hmmm.
..I’m not sure there is much to say anymore. I think I gathered enough information just by walking through the sliding glass doors. It seems to me that my wife is having an affair. And with a little boy to boot.”

“Who are you calling a little boy?”
Shit! He hates being called a little boy! He’s going to be furious!

“Well, since there is only one other little boy who actually lives in this house and he isn’t here at the present time, I would say I was referring to you.”
Paul planted his feet solidly and pointed his finger in Brandon’s face. Brandon took a step toward Paul and Paul mirrored his response.

“
Look. I’m not going to play games and I think honesty is the best approach here.”  Brandon held his ground and projected an air of maturity that certainly belied his years.

“Honesty? You’re joking, right?”
Paul sneered as he directed his blazing attention toward me.

“Yes, honesty and no I’m not joking. I love Laurel and I want to be with her and I know she loves me and…”
He paused, got nervous and started stammering. I had never seen him nervous.

“Well, go on, and….”
He sneered. Brandon looked him straight in the eye and met him toe to toe. He wasn’t backing down, even if this was Paul’s house and I was his wife in name only. The stammering stopped, “She’s pregnant.”

“My, my, my, Laurel. You have had
a busy summer, now haven’t you?” Paul scoffed and choked.

The echoing footfalls in the kitchen snapped me out of my trance.

“Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I can’t think straight. This isn’t how I expected things to go. Paul, I …”

“You what Laurel?”
He sneered some more.

“Paul, I’m sorry. You deserve so much better and we have a lot of things to discuss. Brandon, I’m….”

“Yes, Laurel?” He turned to face me.

“Brandon, I’m not pregnant,
at least not anymore.” My heart shattered into pieces. My soul tried to absorb the shattered pieces but they were too sharp, too jagged, too painful. The pieces found their way through to my skin and I was afraid that if anyone touched me they’d be cut also, cut as deeply as I was.

Paul
actually stumbled into the patio chair and laughed a full throaty mean laugh that screamed sucker! Brandon looked completely nonplussed and I was, I, was struggling to breathe.

“What the hell does that mean, Laurel? What are you trying to say to me?”
He was fighting back tears.

“Brandon, I…I
…” I took a deep breathe and looked up at the darkening sky and thought how could something so wondrous and magical turn into something so devastatingly painful. How is that possible? Is God laughing now at the plans that I’m trying to make?

“I had an abortion. I’m sorry. I couldn’t saddle you with children at such a young age. You have your whole life ahead of you
- a wonderful career, dating, and an exciting life just on the verge of being fulfilled. I couldn’t ruin your life with a divorced woman with three kids and then a newborn baby. I couldn’t do it.” He started to move away from me but I grabbed his arm, forcing him to look at me and see that I was dying inside too but it had to be done, “Just listen to me…”  His roar cut me off, “JESUS CHRIST, LAUREL, YOU KILLED MY BABY?! HOW DARE YOU!”

Paul was on his feet now,
still laughing and prepared for just about anything. I think he was actually hoping there would be a fight. I could tell by the look in his eye. I had seen that look before, once at a college fraternity party when things were getting out of control and come to think of it he was drunk then too.

“I love you and I would have loved that baby. You never gave me the choice or the chance. Stop making decisions for me.
Stop telling me how I should feel! You never could trust me, could you? You just couldn’t do it? You couldn’t do it! You are a coward after all!” Brandon jumped over the railing of the back deck and ran through the back yard to the driveway. The wheels of the truck seemed to scream at me as he tore out of the driveway. I stood there, holding my head in my hands when I heard the soft crying coming from the kitchen. Vanessa.

“I need to talk to Vanessa.”
I turned and brushed passed Paul who was still laughing but stopped dead in my tracks when I heard her voice,  “Don’t even think about coming near me. I hate you! I hate you!” She ran up to her room and slammed the door.

Paul picked his suitcase up and quietly walk
ed through the house to the front door. He gently opened the door, turned around and looked at the house, walked through the door without closing it and got into his car and drove away. Vanessa screamed as she ran up the steps to her room and slammed the door. The other two little ones quietly peeked their heads through the door. The look on my face said it all. They quickly scrambled back downstairs. I stood there wondering what the hell just happened, trying desperately to wrap my brain around the confusion of the last hour. I was torn trying to figure who to talk to first –Vanessa, Paul or Brandon. I decided to collect myself instead. I wasn’t going to be useful to anyone until I calmed myself down. I wanted a shot of Vodka but decided against it and opted for a glass of warm milk instead - warm milk at the end of August - that’s a joke-just like this night. Except it wasn’t a joke. It was real and painful and certainly nothing like I expected. I didn’t know what to expect exactly. I think I was fooling myself into thinking that every little piece would just fall perfectly into place, that Brandon and I would be together, Paul would be happy with a divorce and the kids would just pick up like their father and mother were always divorced and this new, awkward, crazy situation was as comfortable as an old pair of slippers. I just prayed and hoped no one would be hurt. Now, I’ve hurt everyone - Vanessa, Paul, Brandon, the kids, probably my best friends. HA! Joke’s on me!