Choices(Waiting for Forever BK 1) (36 page)

“Adam, I’m in love with Jamie. I don’t know that I’ll ever be ready for something with someone else, even if I don’t find him,” I said quietly. “Besides, you and I don’t have that kind of time anyway. At the end of the summer, you’ll leave for college, and I’ll already be in California.”

“You’re going after him?” he asked, and I saw the pain in his face, pain I thought might be premature. I mean, we didn’t really even know each other all that well. Seeing the vulnerability in his face, it occurred to me that he had also just lost his best friend, much more brutally and with horrific finality. While I had a pretty good idea where Jamie might be, his friend was dead. Holding his gaze, I nodded, and his face fell. I felt like a total jerk. He was my friend, and I was hurting him.

“I’m leaving for California once I turn eighteen. My parents understand and are supporting me,” I admitted.

“I haven’t screwed up our friendship, have I? I can still be your friend, even if we can’t be anything more right now,” Adam asked, and his look of desperation made the argument die in my throat. I’d wanted to say we couldn’t ever be anything more, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to see any more pain in his expression.

“No, I still want to be your friend, Adam. Right now, you’re probably my closest friend,” I told him, trying to lighten the conversation, maybe even to take the pain from his eyes. It was true anyway, at least in Alabama, because here he was my only friend. His face broke into a beautiful smile, and it almost felt like the sun shining on my skin. It warmed me so completely. I decided not to dwell too much on what that meant, because I had my friend.

C
LASSES
at the dojo went back to the easy, carefree time they had been before the almost-kiss. It took a little time to adjust to the awkwardness between us, but after the first week, it was virtually gone. Having dodged the bullet of Valentine’s Day, it looked like Adam and I were home free. Of course, I had missed Jamie terribly on Black Sunday, as Adam affectionately called it, but it was more manageable than I wanted to admit. Adam and I had gone to a large arcade in Dalton and spent the day, and more money than I wanted to think about, playing video games and paintball. I had never played paintball before and was surprised at how much they hurt on impact, but by the time we had splattered each other with paint playing Combat Carl behind molded plastic trees and flimsy wooden fences, we were laughing too hard to breathe. I tried not to think about how the knot in my chest lifted when Adam and I were together.

“Hey, you ready for our session with Sensei?” Adam asked, pulling me out of my thoughts.

“Yeah, I’m ready.” We were working on deflecting some of the more advanced kicks we’d been working on the week before. I watched Adam walk over and start practicing the kick on one of the dummies and marveled at his form. He reminded me of actors you would see in a movie. Okay, probably better than the crappy ninja movie Jamie and I had seen on our date over the summer, I thought, laughing inwardly. They were just bad.

Jamie.

He’d been on my mind more and more over the last few days. It probably had to do with Valentine’s Day, because it would have been our first together. My only consolation was that for the next one, we would be together again. That belief was solid and buried deep—it would happen.

“Ready to warm up?” Adam asked, and I jogged over to where he was on the mats. We went through our warm-up exercises, waiting for Sensei to return, and I liked having someone to practice with, especially someone just as determined as I was. Adam wouldn’t let me slack off just because we were friends. I admired his dedication.

“We could work on those blocks from last week while we’re waiting. I don’t want to start with the kicks until he gets back,” he said, smiling, and I agreed. I got into position, and we worked for the next twenty minutes on punches and blocks. It had been months since Adam and I started working together, and with the trust I had in him, the flashbacks were no longer an issue. I still woke up a couple of nights a month with my heart racing from a nightmare about the attack, but I was starting to work through the fear. My body had healed, and the only lasting effect was my limp.

I landed a blow to Adam’s stomach, trying to catch it so it wasn’t a full-strength strike. He grunted and held a hand up, trying to catch his breath.

“You’ve gotten so much better than me,” he panted, trying to laugh.

“Nah, I just get lucky sometimes. Not to mention that you don’t really go after me like you could,” I said with a sly smile, having noticed more than a few times that he was holding back lately when we sparred. “You know, if they catch me alone, they’re not going to hold back.”

“I know, and I try to tell myself that, but I can’t… I just can’t try to… hurt you,” he stammered, looking at the floor. I moved closer to him and tilted his chin up, holding his gaze.

“You know how I look at it?” I asked quietly. His face softened, and that hopeful expression I had seen so often lately brightened up the room. “I go after you, work to make you better, because that’s what I can do to help keep you safe. I view it as helping to save your life. That’s the only way I can force myself to kick and punch hard at one of my best friends.” Slowly he smiled, nodding.

“Okay, then, let’s go again,” I said, stepping back.

The next time, he struck with all his force, and I felt his determination in every blow.

“You boys look like you’re working up a sweat.” Sensei chuckled as he came in through the door a few minutes later. “I was watching from the reception desk, and I have to say I’m very proud.”

“Thank you, Sensei,” Adam and I said together, bowing to him out of respect. It still amazed me how far we had come—well, me especially, in such a short time. Coach Williams was a great teacher, and I wished all my teachers were as efficient, or even half as understanding.

“Okay, boys, let’s get started with blocking. Brian, I want you to perform the kick we worked on last week. Adam, I want you to watch the block, and then you two can switch. Ready?” he asked, and I assumed my stance.

“Yes, Sensei!”

He nodded once, and, concentrating all my will, I executed the kick. Sensei blocked it, but the kick threw him off balance.

“That was perfect, Brian!” Sensei said, slapping me on the shoulder. “I wouldn’t be surprised if you moved up to the brown belt this time next year. You’ve learned so much.”

I couldn’t bear to tell him that I wouldn’t be here this time next year. My plan was coming together nicely, but I still hadn’t discussed it with anyone outside my parents, Kyle, and Adam.

We switched places, and Adam threw the kick. I watched intently as Sensei demonstrated the block again. Adam’s kick wasn’t as hard or as accurate as mine, but it was certainly enough to get the job done if needed. For a while, Adam and I switched off kicking and blocking while Sensei watched and gave suggestions.

“I wish time passed as fast at school as it does here,” I remarked as I checked the clock and noticed we were almost out of time.

“I second that,” Adam panted, having just finished another kicking and blocking set with Sensei.

“Don’t wish your life away, boys. Time passes fast enough on its own,” Sensei warned, and I wondered if that was some kind of ancient proverb like the ones he spouted off from time to time to see if we were paying attention.

“Okay, come back to my office with me. I need to talk about our schedule for next week. I’ll be out of town a couple of days, and we can plan out what we’re going to cover,” Sensei said. We followed him back to the office and sat in the twin, olive-green, molded plastic chairs in front of his desk.

“Let’s see… today is the twenty-third, so….”

I lost track of what Sensei said after that. Today was the twenty-third, February 23. My throat started to burn, and tears pricked the corners of my eyes. Adam noticed my change in demeanor, but Sensei was still looking at the calendar. Shaking my head slightly at Adam, I silently warned him not to say anything. I didn’t want to get into this with him, with Sensei, or anyone else. Numbly copying down the schedule for next week, I gave Sensei a wave before heading to the changing room to get back into my street clothes.

I knew Adam would be there when I came out, waiting to talk. Over the last few weeks, he had been picking me up and bringing me to the dojo, taking the responsibility off Carolyn. He was going there anyway, he’d reasoned. I had no choice but to wait for him and the inevitable litany of questions he would ask when we were finally alone.

I wasn’t disappointed.

“What’s wrong, Brian? You were fine until we started talking about the schedule,” Adam said ten minutes later as he started the ignition.

“I don’t suppose telling you I don’t want to talk about it is going to deter you?” I asked, sighing and resting my head back against the headrest. Not wanting to look at Adam, I stared at the rain as it slid slowly down the passenger window.

“No, it isn’t,” he said flatly, leaving the car in park while he hit the locks out of habit. He turned slightly in his seat, indicating that we weren’t going anywhere until I told him what was bothering me. It was both comforting and infuriating.

“I didn’t realize the date, and it took me by surprise,” I said, not wanting to elaborate but knowing I would have to. He sat quietly in the other seat, waiting for me to finish. I sighed. “It’s Jamie’s birthday, his eighteenth birthday, and I forgot.”

The burning in my throat was back, and a tear slipped down my cheek. He hesitated for several seconds before leaning over the console and putting his arms around me. At first, I wondered if I shouldn’t pull away. While it felt like a betrayal, it felt so good to be comforted. My heart hurt, the pain almost physical, as I laid my head on his shoulder. Within seconds, I felt his fingers gently running through my hair, and I closed my eyes. He held me for a long time while the tears continued to flow. They were tears at myself for forgetting Jamie’s birthday, tears at him for not sending me any kind of message, even tears at Adam for being so damned understanding.

“It’s okay, Brian. You did remember. It just took a little while. You’re slow,” he jibed, and I laughed as the tears began to slow.

“I’m faster than you,” I reminded him.

“That you are, my friend,” he conceded and kissed me lightly on the top of the head before releasing me. I sat up in the seat, wiping my face on the sleeve of my sweatshirt.

“Sorry I broke down on you.”

He caught my gaze, and the sadness in his eyes was unmistakable.

“You love him, it’s understandable,” Adam said, the pain flashing across his face as he put the car in reverse and backed out of the parking space.

I thought he would remain silent as we headed towards my house, but he surprised me.

“When I was about five, I lost my dad. He hit a patch of ice on a bridge and died during the accident. It’s been my mom and me for as long as I remember, but I miss him. I understand what it’s like to lose someone,” he said quietly.

“Did your mom raise you on her own?” I asked him. Adam hadn’t really talked much about his home life, just as I didn’t talk much about my past as a foster kid. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to talk about it; the subject just never came up.

“Yeah, she does the best that she can. I just wish I saw her more. She was my best friend growing up,” Adam said wistfully.

“What does she do?”

“She’s an auto mechanic,” he said, and chuckled a bit at my raised eyebrows. “I know, she’s amazing. She worked so hard all these years to take care of me all by herself. When I was younger, she got right down on the sideline with the fathers cheering me on when I played Pop Warner football. Then, when I was about eleven, I switched to baseball, and she worked with my coach, learning how she could help me practice. It meant so much to her that I never missed out on anything because of my dad’s death.”

“Do you not see each other?” I asked in reply to his wistful comment from earlier.

“She works days, and I work evenings. We both work weekends sometimes. I have school and karate, and… I think… she might have a… friend.” His face turned up into a smirk, and I grinned at him.

“How do you know?”

“Well, she can only go to the grocery store and come home with nothing so many times before it becomes pretty obvious. I think she’s afraid I’ll be upset, but honestly, if he treats her well, I’ll be thrilled. It’s one of the things I’ve worried about for when I go away to college next year. It bothers me that she’d be alone.”

We pulled up in front of my house then, and I found myself impressed with Adam. More than any other time during our short friendship, he’d really shown his caring and generous nature. Not only the story about his mother, but just in the way he saw my pain and distracted me from it without drawing any attention to the fact he was doing so.

That night, the blow of it being Jamie’s birthday was somewhat lessened by the warm feeling Adam left me with. I smiled at Jamie in his frame and whispered, “Happy Birthday, baby. I hope wherever you are that it’s been a wonderful day for you.”

23