Christmas Pudding and Pigeon Pie (14 page)

‘I’m so sorry, my dear,’ she said.

‘But I haven’t come here to reproach you with that. I am here because I know, I feel quite certain that in your heart, only you won’t admit it, you love me too.’

Amabelle was startled by this remark. Had she really behaved so badly as to lead him to suppose that this was the case? Or was it just his own vanity? ‘Perhaps you think that because you wish it so much,’ she said kindly.

‘It’s true, it must be true, I know it is. Only you are such an angel that you won’t marry me because you think, quite mistakenly, that it would spoil my life, because you are older than I am and because of – ’

‘My international reputation?’ Amabelle was of an age to think of reputation in these terms; in her young days a woman either had a good reputation or an international reputation, and, modern as she was in many ways, she never could quite rid her mind of these nineteenth century
nuances
.

‘Yes,’ she went on, ‘I admit that is partly the reason. If I didn’t feel certain that you would soon be very unhappy indeed I suppose I might make the sacrifice of marrying you. But in a short time you would be miserable, your career would be ruined for one thing’ (international reputations and ruined careers went hand-in-hand when Amabelle was young), ‘and besides that it is important for you to have children, and I’m not Sarah, you know, though in many ways a remarkable woman. But don’t you see, Michael dear, that if I
were
in love with you I shouldn’t consider any of that for five minutes. I’m far too selfish. I’m not in love with you. I like you I’m fond of you, and we have much in common. All that leads you to suppose that I’m in love with you, so now I must try and make you understand once and for all that I’m
not
. I’m
not
. And in any case I’m sick and tired to death of love. You must remember that for years it was my trade, my shop, my profession. Now I’ve retired, left my practice or whatever you like to call it, and I won’t begin all over again. It bores me. I’m not strong enough to face the wear and tear and racket of a new love affair, with all the business of being your wife into the bargain; your relations who would come and see me, rightly as I think, to dissuade me from such a step, the sneers of the newspapers and of my own friends. Why should I be obliged to put up with all these things for something I don’t even want? Because you must see, Michael, that, apart from any other consideration, if I marry you I lose instead of gaining
a position. I become neither fish, flesh nor good red herring. In the case of James Fortescue it was quite different; he was an old man of the world when he married me and it was a good bargain for us both. He needed someone to keep his house, amuse his friends and be good company for himself; I needed a home and a name. We were both admirably suited, the best of friends, and, I think, very happy. I certainly was. This case is utterly different; if I married you we should each in our different ways lose much of what makes life bearable, but I honestly believe that I should lose more than you would. Anyhow, Michael, I am telling the truth, I swear to you that I am, when I say that nothing would influence me, none of these worldly considerations would prevent me from marrying you tomorrow if I loved you; but I don’t love you. I don’t, I don’t, I don’t. Is it possible that perhaps now at last you understand me?’

After making this speech Amabelle fell back on the sofa with a look of utter exhaustion and there was a long silence between them.

‘Then what is to become of me?’ said Michael bitterly.

‘Oh, my dear, really I don’t know. What does become of people who have been crossed in love? I never have been myself so I can’t say from experience, but I imagine that sooner or later they meet somebody else who attracts them, mentally or physically,
et voilà! L’affaire est morte, vive l’ affaire
. In your case let’s hope it will be some nice, pretty girl who will make you very, very happy.’

‘If you speak like that,’ said Michael, ‘it only shows that you can’t understand the meaning of true love. Some people are made so that they can only love once in their lives.’

‘Nobody is,’ said Amabelle firmly. ‘Unless, of course, they live with the person they love all their lives. Permanent and exclusive affection between married people may be possible but nobody can remain faithful to a person they never see. As for true love, I didn’t believe in that until I met Walter and Sally, but I am
really beginning to be very much afraid that in their case it does exist. Maddening, because it upsets all my theories about life.’

‘You promise, then, that you don’t love me at all, and that no argument, no persuasion will ever induce you to marry me?’

‘No, Michael, I don’t love you. I never have loved you and I never shall love you, and nothing that you can say or do will ever make me marry you. And I beg you, from the bottom of my heart, if we are to remain friends, that you won’t bring up this subject any more.’

‘Very well. I won’t speak of it again. No woman has ever been so much loved as I have loved you, none has ever been so cherished and considered as I would have cherished and considered you if you had married me. Let that pass. I promise that I will never mention this subject to you again as long as I live, if you will promise that we can go on being friends?’

‘Yes, of course, Michael dear,’ said Amabelle gloomily. It seemed hard that she should have been at such pains to retire from Lewes Park on purpose to avoid this very boring scene, only to find that Michael was staying in the next house to hers.

‘Are you staying at Compton Bobbin?’

‘I arrived yesterday.’

‘How did you find out that I was here?’

‘By a fortunate chance. I happened to go for a little stroll before lunch with Bobby, and just as we got on to the Stow Road a large blue Bentley drove past, and Bobby said, “Oh, look, there’s Amabelle’s car.” Not my usual luck, it would have been more like me to have stayed here three weeks without knowing that you were in the neighbourhood at all.’

Amabelle looked pensively into the fire. She did not and never had possessed a large blue Bentley. She thought out a few pungent observations which might be made to Sir Roderick when he came for his next game of bridge.

‘Bobby is a very naughty little boy; he needs a thoroughly good spanking,’ she said.

‘It’s really amazing how much he has grown up since I was in England last,’ said Michael. ‘Of course, it is three years, but even so it seems like a conjuring trick. When I left he was a little boy, rather young for his age. Now he is more like a man of thirty.’

‘Eton does that for them. Bobby has a peculiar character, I must say. I suppose he is the one complete egotist of this generation. It is very lucky for him, because it means that he will never, in his whole life, know the meaning of the word boredom. He will always be quite happy so long as he is with other people, because it is wildly interesting to him to watch the effect that he is producing, and their reactions to his personality. If they like him, so much the better; if not, there is the entrancing problem of how to make them. Leave him alone and he would collapse, of course; but in company, of whatever description, he is contented and amused, and always will be. Perfect from his point of view, because he will never have to be alone in his whole life presumably, and for the rare occasions when loneliness will be forced upon him he has a certain weapon of self-defence, an absolutely inexhaustible facility for sleeping.’

‘Yes, I should think that sums up his character pretty well,’ said Michael, who had taken no great fancy for his cousin. ‘And now that we are on the subject of Bobby, what’s all this mystery about his tutor? Is he Fisher or is he Fotheringay?’

‘By the way, yes, I must explain that to you, because it’s all my doing really. His name is Paul Fotheringay, a great friend of mine. He very much wanted to read the journal of Lady Maria Bobbin with a view to writing her life. Your aunt wouldn’t hear of lending it to him, which he very politely asked if she would do, so Bobby and I between us arranged for him to come down here under another name, as Bobby’s tutor. You won’t go and muck it all up, now will you, Michael darling?’

‘Really, Amabelle, you are a baby. If you can play a trick on anybody you will. Poor Aunt Gloria; what a shame!’

‘Honestly, I can’t see any harm in it. In so far as anybody can have an influence over Bobby, Paul’s will only be for the good, and as for the book on Lady Maria’s Life and Works, I think it may be very well done and most amusing.’

‘It will certainly be amusing, from what I remember of the journal,’ said Michael, ‘although it will probably be a case of laughing at and not with my poor great-grandmother. Philadelphia has become extraordinarily pretty since I saw her last, by the way.’

‘Paul says she is so intelligent. He says she hardly ever speaks but that she has the most “heavenly instincts”. I think he is falling in love with her, you know.’

Michael looked rather thoughtful on hearing this, and presently took his departure, saying, ‘Goodbye then, my dear, dear friend. Please allow me to come and see you again soon. “Friendship,” Lord Byron said, “is love without its wings,” and that is a very consoling thought for me.’

When he had gone Amabelle went up to the nursery, where Elspeth Paula was having her evening meal.

‘Oh, you cad,’ she said to Sally, ‘how could you have left me like that? You must have seen I didn’t want to be alone with him; you are a monster, Sally darling.’

‘It had to be, sooner or later,’ said Sally calmly. ‘Well what happened?’

‘Oh, it was all most exhasting, you know, and frightfully dull. The same old arguments over and over again, just like a debate on protection
versus
free trade, each side knowing exactly what the other will say next and neither having any intention whatever of being convinced. Poor Michael, it is quite funny really when you think that probably I would have married him if he’d been at all clever about it. But instead of putting it to me as a sensible business proposition he would drag in all this talk about love the whole time, and I simply can’t bear those showerings of sentimentality. Otherwise I should most likely have married him ages ago.’

‘Even boring as he is?’

‘Yes, I think so. One never can tell, of course. It was all this nonsense about love that put me off so much. And of course he is a cracking old bore, isn’t he?’

‘When I was a girl,’ said Sally, ‘and before I met Walter, you know, I fixed a definite price at which I was willing to overlook boringness. As far as I can remember it was twenty-five thousand pounds a year. However, nothing more than twelve seemed to offer, so I married Walter instead.’

‘You have always had such a sensible outlook,’ said Amabelle approvingly. ‘If I had a girl I should say to her, “Marry for love if you can, it won’t last, but it is a very interesting experience and makes a good beginning in life. Later on, when you marry for money, for heaven’s sake let it be big money. There are no other possible reasons for marrying at all.” ’

Michael Lewes walked back through the moonlight to Compton Bobbin in a most curious frame of mind. During his three years’ absence abroad he had persuaded himself that Amabelle really and in her heart of hearts wanted to marry him; at the same time he was convinced that if (too terrible a thought to contemplate) by any unhappy chance he should prove to be wrong and if she should definitely refuse him, in such a manner as to make him feel certain that there was no hope of her ever changing her mind, under those circumstances he would be so very unhappy that he would undoubtedly feel tempted to commit suicide. He had sincerely thought that for him the prospect of life without her would be more than he would be able to bear. And yet now, strangely enough, he felt almost as though a load had been lifted from his shoulders, happier and more light-hearted than for months.

The truth was that during those three years he had made an imaginary picture of Amabelle in his own mind which had become, the longer he was away from home, the more unlike the real woman; until, on finding himself sitting with her,
holding that first interview on which he had built so many hopes, he found himself sitting beside a stranger, and the image of Amabelle in his mind was shattered for ever. The things which he said to her then had little real meaning or conviction behind them. They were speeches which he had been rehearsing to himself for three years, and out of a sort of habit, a sort of loyalty to that self which had invented them, he repeated them to her. It was with no particular feeling, except perhaps that of relief, that he received in reply a final and definite refusal. And now, it seemed that the course of his life was delightfully plain before him. Having left diplomacy, a profession of which he was heartily tired, he would settle down at Lewes Park, take his seat in the House of Lords, and marry some pretty, well-born and delightful girl, someone, in fact, not unlike his cousin, Philadelphia Bobbin. He hummed a little tune as he walked.

Lady Bobbin was always most particular that the feast of Christmas should be kept by herself, her family and dependents at Compton Bobbin in what she was pleased to call ‘good old-fashioned style’. In her mind, always rather a muddled organ, this entailed a fusion of the Christmas customs brought to his adopted country by the late Prince Consort with those which have been invented by the modern Roman Catholic school of Sussex Humorists in a desperate attempt to revive what they suppose to have been the merrieness of England as it was before she came to be ruled by sour Protestants. And this was odd, because Germans and Roman Catholics were ordinarily regarded by Lady Bobbin with wild abhorrence. Nothing, however, could deter her from being an ardent and convinced Merrie Englander. The maypole on the village green, or more usually, on account of pouring rain, in the village hall; nocturnal expeditions to the local Druid stones to see the sun rise over the Altar Stone, a feat which it was seldom obliging enough to perform; masques in the summer, madrigals in the winter and Morris dances all the year round were organized and led by Lady Bobbin with an energy which might well have been devoted to some better cause. This can be accounted for by the fact of her having a sort of idea that in Merrie England there had been much hunting, no motor cars and that her bugbear, socialism, was as yet unknown. All of which lent that imaginary period every attribute, in her eyes, of perfection.