Christmas Under Western Skies (17 page)

“Can I keep him? Really?” Kathy asked.

“Let me have a look at him.” He took the pup and examined his limbs, looked in his mouth and ears, which proved a challenge, as the dog wanted to lick him and almost wriggled from his arms.

Kathy giggled. “He says he's healthy. No need to check.”

Satisfied as to the general condition of the animal,
he let the pup snuggle into the crook of his arm, where it snuffled once and fell to sleep.

Sam chuckled. “He knows he's safe.”

“Home sweet home,” Jean said.

Home. Safety. It's what he wanted for himself, for Kathy and for Winnie. It was enough. Wasn't it?

He passed the pup back to Kathy and she sat on the floor to play with him.

The women turned their attention to talk of Christmas plans.

“I wish I could get a turkey,” Winnie said. “It would make a special Christmas meal.”

“You can. Tell them, Sam.” Jean turned to her husband, her face aglow with love.

Sam's gaze lingered on his wife before he turned to Derek. “You remember that German family that took up a homestead over on Bear Coulee?”

He nodded. Of course he did. He wondered how they would make it. Starting from nothing, with half a dozen kids to provide for.

“They raised turkeys and are selling them. I can tell them to butcher one for you if you like. You just have to pick it up before noon on Christmas Eve day.”

At the look of eagerness in Winnie's eyes, he would have agreed to ride to Calgary to pick up the bird. “Tell them we'll take one.”

Winnie's smile of appreciation made him feel he had done something special.

He shook his head. All this confusion was only
because he had agreed to more responsibility. First marriage to Winnie, and now a puppy.

He was afraid to think about how many things could go wrong.

W
innie had the house to herself. Derek and Kathy had taken the pup, christened Beau, for a walk. The pup would provide Kathy with lots of company. Just what the little girl needed. After all, she'd once had a brother and sister to play with.

Winnie appreciated meeting Sam and Jean. Nice to know there were other young couples in the neighborhood, even if their situations were different. Sam was so in love with Jean, Winnie's eyes hurt to watch how he did his best to anticipate and meet her every need.

And Jean had confided her love for Sam. “My heart can only work the way it should when he's around.” She'd laughed. “I'm sure you know what I mean.”

Winnie bent over the shirt she meant to finish for Uncle Mac for Christmas. She did know what Jean meant. Despite her fears and caution, she'd fallen in love with Derek. Her love required sacrifice from her.

How was she to tell Derek she couldn't marry him?

She prayed for the right words. For the courage.

She heard Derek and Kathy returning and slipped her sewing basket out of sight. She hoped to surprise them all with her gifts.

The pair burst into the room. Beau raced around, checking to make sure he remembered the place.

“I just thought of something,” Derek said. “I need to wire the Faringtons to let them know I no longer need them. Do you want to come to town with me?”

“I need to get popcorn.” She had to tell him before they reached town.

“Do you want to go, Kathy?”

“Can I stay home with Beau?”

“If Uncle Mac wants to stay.”

Uncle Mac came from his room, his hair tousled from his nap. “Did I hear someone say my name?” Derek explained.

“I'll gladly remain and watch this pair of youngsters.”

“It's settled then.” Derek went to his room to get his purse and Winnie scurried to hers to tidy her hair. She paused to look in the mirror and forced herself to take a slow, steady breath.
Lord, give me courage.

Derek chose the sleigh again. A new snowfall made the road suitable for the conveyance.

She climbed in beside him and let him tuck the robes around her knees. Gave a shaky smile when he paused, his face close enough to kiss.

Only he didn't kiss her. Instead, he flicked the reins and they glided down the road. He'd hung bells on the
harness. She settled back, allowing herself to enjoy this ride. The last ride she would make as part of his family.

Her nerves twitched as they neared town. She must speak to him before he sent the telegram. Twice she opened her mouth, but the words wouldn't come.

She squeezed her fists open and closed.
Now.
She must do it now. She reached for his hand to ask him to stop.

He misinterpreted her gesture and turned his hand to twine his fingers through hers.

She closed her eyes and prayed for strength to do what she knew she must do. But her heart grew stubborn and insisted she enjoy his touch, his smile and the way he shifted closer so their shoulders and arms pressed together.

She shuddered at all she must give up.

“Are you cold?” He reached around her to tuck the robe tighter.

“Derek, stop.”

He jerked back. “I'm sorry. I thought you were cold.”

“No. Stop the sleigh.”

He pulled on the reins and the horses stood still, steam blasting from their nostrils.

She mustn't take too long or the horses would get chilled. “I don't think you should send that wire.”

He twisted to face her. “To the Faringtons?”

She nodded, wishing she had more courage.

“Why not?” His eyes narrowed. “You've changed your mind, haven't you?”

“I must. You deserve to marry someone you can love.”

He contemplated her silently.

She lowered her gaze and studied the buttons on the front of his coat. Big. Black. Her sluggish mind could think of nothing more. “I don't want to tie you into a marriage of convenience.”

“Isn't that
my
decision? Perhaps it's all I want. I fully intend to send that wire today.” He turned and flicked the reins. “I expect you to keep your word. Just as I intend to keep mine.”

Her heart lay leaden in her chest. She had succeeded only in making him angry. What was she to do?

They arrived in town. He stopped in front of the store, jumped down and went around to assist her. She put her hand in his, felt him stiffen. “I'm sorry,” she murmured.

His hard expression didn't flicker. “Get the popcorn and whatever else you need. I'll be back as soon as I send the wire.”

She got what she came for, put it on Derek's bill and then waited for him without even bothering to glance at anything else in the store. There was no pleasure in even looking. In two minutes he returned, helped her in and tucked the robe around her. He would always make sure she was safe, even if he was angry.

 

Derek avoided the house as much as possible that evening and the next morning. He wished he didn't have
to spend time with Kathy and the pup, forcing him to be in the same room as Winnie. To feel her wish to leave. Was Banff so enticing?

He could hardly wait until he could leave to get the turkey and rode out of the yard at a gallop. He slowed as soon as he was out of sight.

How could he persuade her to stay?

By telling her he loved her.

The words blared through his brain.

Love? He had loved his family and lost them, except for Kathy. If anything happened to her, he would break into a million little pieces.

If he loved Winnie, he'd face the same agony.

He couldn't endure it.

He reached his destination, paid the German and headed home with the turkey, refusing to think any further about love. All he had to do was convince her that a marriage of convenience was the best solution for them both.

No risks.

Except to hurt her by not giving her the very thing she needed. Not a permanent home. Not appreciation. Love.

He shook his head. It was the one thing he couldn't give.

He arrived home and handed Winnie the turkey.

“Thank you.” She barely let her gaze touch him before she returned inside.

It suited him just fine. He needed time alone. He headed for the barn.

He must finish her gift tonight. He slapped his hat on his thigh. His gift would convince her they could make memories based on something besides love.

He hunkered down on the wooden seat in the corner of the barn and set to work.

Jesus loves you.

Where had that come from?

The words came again.
Jesus loves you.

Even when things go wrong?

He sat up and stared in the distance, seeing nothing. His heart waited. His thought stalled. A thousand bits and pieces flooded his brain. Jesus becoming flesh and being born a baby. Jesus coming to the world He made and being rejected. Jesus dying on the cross.

Jesus loves you.

Even though it cost Him His life, Jesus loved him.

He wiped away tears he didn't know he cried until they dripped from his chin.

How did God feel when He sent His son to earth, knowing He would endure such horrible things? What a sacrifice it had been for the Father. All to give salvation, hope and an answer to fears. What a shame if people ignored the gift.

What a waste if he refused to let love into his heart.

He breathed deeply.
Lord, forgive my anger at You. Thank You for sparing Kathy. I give You my future to hold in Your hands of love.

The cracks in his heart mended, and he could look at the truth: he loved Winnie so much it scared him.

Dare he let her into his heart? Risk loving and losing?

Feeling he couldn't protect those he loves?

Could he choose to trust God and accept the gifts sent his way. Like Kathy, Uncle Mac and—

Winnie?

He smiled. He might be a fool at times, but he wasn't a big enough one to throw away the chance to love Winnie.

All he had to do was find a way to convince her.

He returned to work on his project.
Please God, I know I don't have the right to ask favors after I've been so stubborn and prideful, but help me tell her how much I love her and let her be willing to make a marriage between us work.

He finished his original project and added one more thing. Then he went in for supper.

The house was warm and friendly. Kathy and Beau raced over to greet him. Uncle Mac looked up from the table where he was writing something on a piece of paper and nodded.

Winnie waited for him to look at her, and then smiled, tentatively, as if she expected him to still be angry. When her eyes grew wide, he knew he hadn't been able to hide how he felt.

Now for a chance to explain. Perhaps once the others went to bed, but no one wanted to go to bed early.

Winnie popped corn and they gathered around the tree.

Kathy wanted to sing the Christmas songs she
remembered their mama singing. Derek's heart softened at the memories. It was sweet to have good things in his past.

Better yet to anticipate good things in the future.

They finished singing and grew silent.

Kathy lay on the floor, her head cradled against Beau.

Derek leaned over to look closely. “She's fallen asleep. I'll take her to bed.”

“I'm ready to hit the hay myself.” Uncle Mac stretched and yawned.

Derek hesitated. He did not want Winnie to leave before he got back. “Wait for me?”

She nodded. He couldn't make out her expression well enough in the dim light to know if the idea frightened or appealed.

He hoped she would think it the latter by the time he finished.

Kathy barely stirred as he slipped her dress off, eased her nightgown over her head and pulled the covers to her chin.

He paused at her doorway to calm his nerves. Now that he had admitted he loved Winnie, he realized how much he had to lose if she didn't return his feelings.

But he would not let fear deprive him of this opportunity.

He stepped into the main room. Ensconced in the wooden rocker, she turned and gave a tentative smile.

“I'll be right back.” He grabbed a lantern and trotted to the barn to grab his gift.

Returning, he burst into the house and forced himself to slow down. Suddenly he didn't know how he was going to present the gift, what words would express his heart.

She waited, watching him.

He had to do something, say something. “I made this for you.” He placed the present in her lap.

He felt awkward towering above her, forcing her to tip her head to look at him, so he squatted at her knees. “Unwrap it.”

She folded back the towel he'd covered it with.

“A box.”

“A memory box.” He tipped the lid toward her so she could read the words. “Winnie's Memories.”

“I remember you saying how we should keep the old memories and add new ones, or something like that.”

She stroked the wood he had sanded and polished to a fine patina. “It's lovely. Thank you. I have something for you, too.”

But he held both arms of the chair and trapped her in place. “There's more. Open the box.”

She lifted the lid and pulled out a carved wooden heart.

He swallowed hard as he sought for the right words. “It's my heart.” He plucked it from her palm. “I give you my heart.” He pressed it back into her hand and curled her fingers around it. “I love you with my whole heart. I want to marry you because I love you and want to share my life with you.”

The seconds ticked by. She shifted her gaze back and forth from her hand clutching the heart to his eyes. He couldn't read her thoughts. But if he had to guess, he would venture to say he'd frightened her.

“I hope you'll learn to love me. I'm willing to wait for that day. In fact, I want to marry you, love you and take care of you for the rest of my life, even if you never return my love.” She nodded.

He pulled her to her feet, keeping her within the circle of his arms. “There is no pressure. My love is free. No obligation.” He wanted to kiss her, but he wanted her to know he would not take advantage of her in any way. “Now, off to bed, and I'll see you Christmas morning.”

“Your present—”

“Give it to me then.”

There was only one Christmas present he wanted.

 

He loved her.

Winnie stared into the darkness.

No one ever loved her before. No one except God.

Others had said they did. She recalled her mother saying it and then giving her away. Her aunt and uncle had never spoken actual words of love, but said how precious she was. “A gift from God.” Until their own babies came. The others hadn't pretended to love her. She wouldn't have believed them if they said they did.

She didn't trust the words. Far easier to live pretending love didn't exist.

She clutched the wooden heart to her chest.

I give you my heart.

She shook but not from cold. From nerves.

Could she trust love?

Lord, this is everything I've ever wanted, but I am so afraid it isn't real. Or it might not last. Please send me an answer so I know what to do. What to say.

Derek said he was willing to accept a marriage without her love, but it wasn't that she didn't love him.

She was afraid if she spoke the words aloud the dream would vanish.

How can I be sure it won't?

Her thoughts circled endlessly.

She focused on the season. Christmas.

Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace, good will toward men.

Jesus—God in flesh. A gift. To bring us peace. Peace with God. The peace of God.

The words mocked her. She had no peace.

Trust in God.

She did trust God. She had most of her life.

But you don't trust God to be able to work through others. You want only to let Him into your heart.