Clann 03 - Consume (17 page)

“You know, my mom could probably give you a lot of advice,” I said slowly. “After all, she has been there and done that.”

She cringed and stared down at her hands clasped now over the top of her tummy. “You’re right. I should have thought of that.” She looked up at me with big eyes full of hope. “Do you think, if I apologized...”

“She’ll forgive you,” I said, and this time I didn’t need to lie. For all her faults, my mom also had a really big heart. If Emily sincerely apologized, Mom would forgive her immediately.

She sighed. “I shouldn’t have said all that stuff to her today. It’s just, every time I see you two together I keep thinking about how Tristan said she practically abandoned you the past couple of years when you needed her most—” She clapped a hand over her mouth. “I’m sorry. See? I don’t know where it comes from and it just spews out of me—”

I sighed. “It comes from what you see as the truth.” I stared down at my own handful of wadded-up paper in my lap. “You’re half-right. She did sort of leave me with my grandma when all my Clann and vamp abilities started showing up and I needed her most. But she was doing what she thought was best. And she wouldn’t have been able to help me anyways. She can’t do magic.” At Emily’s raised eyebrows, I explained. “She never wanted to be in the Clann and chose to let her skills fade away instead of strengthening them. So when I started turning...”

“She was afraid of you?”

“Not so much that she was afraid I would hurt her, but that her being around would make it harder on me. She knew that at least Nanna had the strength to control me if I ever lost it and vamped out at home.”

“And what was your grandma supposed to do then? Set you on fire? Stake you?”

A short laugh escaped me. “No, of course not. Nanna knew how to use the old ways of magic to dampen the bloodlust around our house.”

“Really? How? Because we could totally use a spell like that for your parents.” At my sharp look, she said, “Oh, come on. Any idiot can see that they’re still in love and fighting it. I’m assuming because of the bloodlust and the energy draining effects if they kiss?”

I shrugged. “Mostly. But I don’t think they got along all that well even when they were married and had Nanna’s bloodlust dampening spells to help them.”

Emily stared at her stomach. “Even if your mom can help me with some things, I highly doubt she’ll know what I should say when this kid asks me what happened to its dad someday.”

I winced. “You’re right, that discussion is going to be hard. But maybe if you just stay honest with your child...” I thought about the day my parents had told me what I really was. Dealing with that discovery had been rough. But it had been made even worse by the fact that my family had lied to me and kept secrets from me for fourteen years before finally telling me the truth. “Just don’t wait too long to tell your kid the truth. Trust me, it only makes things worse for them.”

“What if this kid learns how bad its dad was and decides to follow in Gowin’s footsteps someday?”

I frowned. “Then that’ll be its decision, not yours. As long as you do your best to show it a better path, that’s all you can do. It’s up to each of us to decide who and what we want to become.”

Like Tristan.

Emily sighed and dropped her head back on the sofa. “Being pregnant really, really stinks.”

I made the most sympathetic face I could. “I’m sure it doesn’t help that this is your first time and you have no idea what to do. If only there were some kind of manual...hang on. Maybe there is!”

I jumped up and vamp blurred into the bunk room to dig through my jeans until I found it...the credit card Dad had given me the other day to buy stuff from the local gas station outside the park. He’d said the Clann shouldn’t be able to trace it because it was under one of his aliases that nobody else knew about, and that it was safe for us to use for whatever we needed.

I found my phone, pulled up the internet and found an ebookstore website. A long series of fast screen taps, and two minutes later we had an account all set up and ready for use.

“Here.” I tilted the phone so Emily could see the screen, too. “They’ve got tons of ebooks on pregnancy and motherhood.
What to Expect When You’re Expecting
.
The Complete Single Mother
.
The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Motherhood
.”

“Seriously?” Emily laughed. “Let me see that.” She took the phone and peered more closely at it. “Wow. I had no clue they’d have so many guidebooks for mothers.” She glanced up at me, her smile turning wry. “I guess I’m not exactly the first female to ever get pregnant.”

I returned her smile, glad her mood was lightening up. “Or the first girl to get freaked out about it.”

Before she could protest, I went ahead and bought several ebooks for her, then happily handed her my phone to read them on. Anything to keep her happy and off Mom’s back!

“Just as long as you give it back every now and then so I can talk to my friends back home.”

“Right.” She started to read one of the ebooks, then hesitated and looked up at me. “Thanks, Sav. For the ebooks and for listening. I didn’t realize how hard it was just keeping all of that to myself.”

I smiled. “Vent anytime. Just as long as it doesn’t include calling my mother names.”

She laughed. “Okay. And for the record, you handled yourself way better than I would have if someone were talking about my mama.”

It was my turn to make a wry face. “I don’t know. For a minute or two there, it felt like a pretty close call. If Tristan hadn’t been here...”

She heaved herself up off the couch, then dug her knuckles into the small of her back and stretched. “Yeah, speaking of, when are you two going to work out your issues already?”

I stood up, taking my time throwing away my wad of paper in the trash beneath the kitchen sink before answering. “That’s kind of up to him. He and I don’t agree on some things right now.”

“And what, you can’t compromise and meet him halfway?”

I shrugged, not wanting to talk about Tristan’s and my problems with his sister. Besides, it wasn’t really the kind of issue you could compromise on. “Hey, listen, I’m really tired, so I think I’m going to turn in for the night.”

One blond eyebrow arched knowingly, but thankfully she didn’t push the issue. “Sounds like a good idea. All this bawling has wiped me out, too.”

The bunk room was a small space even for one person to undress in, much less two. So I let Emily get ready for bed in there first while I took a shower.

When I stepped out of the bathroom, I caught myself pausing in the kitchen, looking and listening. Hoping Tristan had felt...something after our talk together this afternoon and decided to come back to me.

But the living room and kitchen were empty, the rest of the trailer silent as well except for Emily’s snoring from the bunk room. Even Lucy had worn herself out for once and given up barking.

There were people within reach of me. But even still, I was alone.

And I couldn’t stand it.

I slipped on some shoes and snuck outside. Dad was right where I expected to find him, sitting in the front seat of the truck’s cab, the windows rolled down to let a cross breeze through while he read some book he’d found who knew where. Tristan wasn’t stretched out in the backseat as usual. He must be taking a walk along the creek. Good. I didn’t want to have to ask him for a private moment with my dad.

Dad looked up and smiled as I climbed into the passenger side of the front seat.

“You seem rather deep in thought,” he murmured, closing his book. “A penny for your thoughts?”

I started to tell him no one said that phrase anymore, then gave up. “I was wondering about you and Mom. About...how you two always fight all the time.”

“A difference in personalities, I suppose.” He frowned. “You do know our arguments have nothing to do with you and that we both love you?”

I waved off the parental reassurance. “Yeah, I know. It’s just...” I took a deep breath as my throat tightened. “How do you know when the disagreements are too much? When it’s time to just give up and let go?”

His head rocked back an inch. “Ah. That is a deep question to be thinking about. The answer is not at all simple, because it varies for everyone. For instance, part of being a vampire for many years is that it teaches us how to have a lot of patience. After all, if you cannot die and no longer have a natural lifespan, then your perception of the passage of time is quite different from a human’s. So for one of our kind, forever would not be too long to disagree with someone we loved enough.”

I looked down at my hands as my fingers twisted together in my lap. “What if the other person doesn’t feel that way? What if...” I swallowed hard and tried again. “What if they feel too strongly about the path they’re on, and it’s a path you can’t or don’t want to follow them down?”

Dad sighed. “You mean like your mother getting tired of being on the run with me and insisting on our divorce?”

“Yeah. Something like that.”

He turned his head to stare through the windshield at the hills that rolled down to the creek in the moonlight. After a moment of silence, he said, “I agreed to divorce your mother because it was what she wanted. She needed to feel safe again, and she felt like I could not give her or you that safety. She wanted you to have a chance to grow up with a normal life for as long as possible. She also wanted freedom and independence. What can you do when the person you love no longer wants to be with you, other than to release them and allow them to live the life they choose, even though that life is not with you?”

“But couldn’t you have maybe found a way to change her mind eventually if you just kept trying to talk to her about it?”

His smile was sad. “It is both human and apparently vampire nature to want to hold on to that which you love with every ounce of strength that you possess. But if you truly love someone, that is the only real way to love them. To love loosely is the hardest love to learn. But it is also the strongest and most selfless form of love you can give another.”

Learn to love loosely.
There was a clear ring of truth in his words. Maybe that was why they hurt so much. Because I knew it was what I had to learn how to do.

I had to learn to love Tristan loosely, to let him go instead of trying to hold on to him or change his mind.

“Thanks, Dad. Good night.” The words came out rough past my hoarse throat as I climbed out of the truck.

Back inside the trailer, I slipped into the dark bunk room and climbed into my bed as quietly as possible so as not to wake Emily on the futon below. Across from me, the third bunk bed where Tristan always rested while lost to the blood memories after each weekly feeding now stretched out empty and silent, waiting for his return. I stared at it until the lump in my throat hurt too much. Then I plugged my MP3 player into the wall charger Dad had bought for me at a store, put my earbuds in my ears, turned on my MP3 player and tried to lose myself in the music.

CHAPTER 18

The next morning, I asked everyone to gather in the kitchen area for a meeting.

I took a deep breath, pushing aside the guilt for the moment. This was for the best, for everyone. “Yesterday Mom and I talked about Lucy, and she agreed we need to take Lucy somewhere away from vampires for a while. I think we can all agree that Lucy’s health doesn’t look too good.”

Murmurs of agreement from the group. Mom stared down at Lucy, who was yapping out a hoarse cough from her arms.

“Mom?” I asked.

She nodded. “I know. Lucy needs a break.”

“Right. So I talked to Anne, and she talked to Michelle and Michelle’s mom, and they agreed to keep Lucy for us so she can get better.”

Mom’s mouth tightened as her lower lip trembled. But she didn’t argue.

She didn’t have to say a thing. I still felt like crap.

“So we need to plan a trip back to Texas,” I finished, feeling like the world’s worst daughter.

Hang in there, Sav.
Tristan squeezed my hand, his eyes soft with understanding.
I know this is hard. But it really is the right thing to do. Your mom will see that, too, eventually.

Before or after she cries buckets of tears from losing her dog and her job and her home to our invasion?
I stared at a spot of spilled coffee that was quickly turning into a stain on the tan countertop where Mom must have set her spoon earlier.

“Good,” Dad said, leaning a hip against the edge of the kitchen counter. “This will give me a chance to restock our blood supply.”

All of us looked at him with frowns of surprise and confusion.

His eyebrows shot up. “Surely you have noticed the rapidly dwindling supply?”

I hadn’t really. I’d been too caught up in trying to play peacemaker between Emily and Mom and upset about Tristan and the distance between us.

Dad sighed. “At any rate, we are nearly out of blood and must restock very soon. So a return trip to East Texas will allow me to meet with my supplier there and pick up a large enough quantity to hold us over for a while longer.”

Mom’s frown deepened into an all-out scowl. “Why can’t you get blood from somebody around here? Don’t you have suppliers all over the U.S.?”

“I used to. But I have already attempted to contact them without success. They may have gone into hiding now that war has broken out. My East Texas supplier is the only one whose number is even still working.”

“Okay, so then why don’t you have him ship the stuff to us here?”

“Because,” Dad said in a tone that showed he was struggling for patience. “The mere fact that my East Texas supplier is the only one still willing to speak to me makes me question whether he has been compromised by the Clann. If he has been, then I have no desire for him to know where we are currently hiding, in case he tips them off.”

“Then have him do a blind drop instead.”

“If he has been compromised, that will not afford any additional protection for us. The Clann could still be there waiting for us to pick up the supplies. Plus, meeting with my supplier face-to-face will allow me to directly and immediately ascertain whether he has been compromised. Since he is human, he is particularly vulnerable. However, a quick read of his mind when we meet will either reassure me or inform me that I need to find a new supplier should we ever desire to permanently take up residence in East Texas again someday.”

Oh, of course. He needed to meet with his supplier in person because none of us could read minds, human or otherwise, over the phone.

I wondered if all blood suppliers for the vamps were human. Maybe that made it easier for them to work around lots of donated blood in health care jobs without losing control and going on a bender like a vamp might?

Mom’s eyes flared wide then narrowed. “That is really dumb, Michael. If your supplier has been compromised, then meeting with him in person is the
worst
thing you could do!”

At the angry tone of her owner’s voice, Lucy began to bark in earnest, her entire body jerking with the effort.

Dad glanced at me then cleared his throat. “Perhaps we should discuss this further outside without an audience. Or the dog present.”

Mom rolled her eyes. “Oh, please. Like Savannah hasn’t heard us argue before? She’s a big girl and she knows we don’t get along. She can handle the truth.”

“Actually, I really don’t mind being left out of this,” I said, rubbing my forehead, which was starting to pound. I couldn’t tell if the growing headache was coming from having to sit in on yet another argument or the dog’s barking.

Mom huffed. “Fine!” She threw open her bedroom door, shut Lucy into the room, then whirled around to face Dad. “Please, by all means, lead the way.” She threw an arm out wide toward the trailer door.

Dad’s face darkened into a scowl. Silently he exited the trailer with Mom hot on his heels.

The door had barely banged back into its frame before Mom started yelling.

“Would you at least attempt to keep your voice down?” Dad hissed, his voice carrying right through the trailer’s thin metal walls and windows. “We do have neighbors who might not want to have to endure this discussion with us.”

I slouched down on the dinette seat until the back of my head met the top of the seat back. I used to be so lucky that my parents were divorced and never saw each other. I really missed those days.

“Do I look like I care?” Mom said, but at least her voice dropped to a harsh whisper. “Look, all I’m saying is we need to stick together and avoid any kind of traps the Clann might have set up for us. You have no idea what they’re capable of. Did you know Mr. Williams has buddies in the CIA? They have access to all kinds of technology now...satellites, drones, you name it! They could easily be listening for any mention of you anywhere in East Texas right now!”

“Or even listening to us right here right now,” Dad muttered.

Mom must have missed his attempt at humor, because her voice dropped to a whisper. “In a state park in South Dakota? You must be joking.”

“Actually I was—”

Mom railroaded right over him. “My point is, what if you call your supplier and their satellites or whatever overhear your conversation? They don’t even have to mess with your supplier directly in order to compromise him. They could just listen to you two plan to meet and then lie right there in wait for you to show up. And then where would I—I mean, our daughter be? She needs her father, now more than ever. None of us can afford to be stupid and risk getting caught.”

“I know that, Joan. Please do give me some credit. My supplier and I always speak in code. The conversation would not contain any words likely to alert any eavesdroppers as to our real identities or intentions.”

Mom growled under her breath, clearly not mollified in the least.

So Dad dropped the ultimate bomb of reason on her. “I understand this is frightening for you. But do try to remember the blood is not just for me and Tristan. Our daughter also needs this to survive.”

“Oh, he’s good,” Tristan muttered.

I flashed him a tired smile. “He learned from the best in the guilt-trip business. He lived with my mother for three years.”

One side of Tristan’s mouth tilted up in a half smile, making my heart lurch.

Mom must have conceded defeat during Tristan’s and my short exchange, because the trailer door opened and my parents came back in.

“Kids, buckle up. We’re headed to Texas,” Mom muttered. “Sav, honey, you’ll need to call Anne and get her to arrange a meeting for you with Michelle. Have your dad figure out what time we’ll arrive and a good meeting place.”

From the couch with her eyebrows raised, Emily silently handed me my phone, which showed one of her new pregnancy ebooks on the screen. I closed the ebook reader program then searched through my contacts list for Anne.

“For safety, I believe we should split into two groups once we arrive in East Texas,” Dad said.

I looked up in surprise.

“If there is any risk of the Clann showing up at my meeting with my supplier, then it would be foolish to hand every member of our group over to them at once.”

“If they do show up, you’re going to need help,” I said.

“Which is why Tristan will come with me and you ladies will continue on to do the dog exchange,” Dad said.

Now my heart was really racing. I opened my mouth to argue, but Tristan was faster.

“He’s right, Sav,” Tristan said. “Like you said, your dad shouldn’t go alone. And it’s too high-risk for all of us to be there together.”

“Whoa, hang on a second,” Emily protested. “I don’t want you there either, little brother. Remember, they want you even more than him.”

“Yeah, but he’s got to have some kind of magical backup,” Tristan said. “We have no idea what kind of spells they could try to use on him.”

My stomach twisted and rolled. I didn’t like this at all.

Tristan stared at me. “It’s the safest way.”

“Why don’t we get blood from somewhere else?” I said. “There’s got to be all kinds of blood banks around. Couldn’t we just break into one and—”

“And risk tipping off the Clann as to our whereabouts?” Dad said.

I let out a long, slow breath through my nose. I saw their logic. But it didn’t make me like the plan any more.

“We need this, Sav,” Tristan murmured. “You, me, your dad. We all need this.”

Suddenly I sort of understood my mother’s less-than-mature reaction of a few minutes ago, because part of me really wanted to stomp and yell and argue at the top of my lungs.

Instead I pressed my lips together hard, letting the small bit of pain distract me, and nodded.

Logically I could see that this was probably the only good plan we could come up with right now. But that didn’t mean I had to like it.