Clara in America (Clara Andrews Series - Book 7) (6 page)

If you don’t have anything nice to say,

you must be my mother-in-law.

The journey to the theme park is somewhat uneventful. Between Janie showing off the results of her recent face lift and Oliver reeling off what rollercoasters we are going to hit up first, I don’t really manage to get a word in. Taking the opportunity to soak up my surroundings, I watch the world whizz past the windows and get lost in the blurred array of colours. Happily playing with his dinosaur, Noah doesn’t make a sound for the entire drive.

‘Alright!’ Oliver cheers as he pulls on the handbrake. ‘Who’s ready to have some fun?’

Clutching a map of the theme park to his chest, his eyes glint as he looks out at the rollercoaster in the distance. Something tells me that it’s not going to be Noah who gets the most out of today. Shaking my head at him, we pile out of the car and load up Noah’s pram with all the essentials. This must be the biggest car park that I have ever seen. How they expect you to remember where you have parked, I have no idea.

‘OK, so we are in Parking Zone 14.’ Oliver declares, strapping Noah into his pram and heading for the entrance.

As we join the hordes of other revellers, I reach into the pram for the sun lotion and quickly apply a thick layer to Noah’s face. After covering both myself and Oliver, I attempt to pass the cream to Janie.

‘Get that thing away from me!’ Looking at the bottle as though it is crawling with spiders, she shudders and totters on ahead.

To be honest, her already walnut skin is probably damaged beyond repair anyway. The many years of soaking up the rays have resulted in Janie having skin like a brown leather shammy, not that she seems to mind. In fact, I would even go as far as to say that she’s rather proud of her radioactive skin colour.

Waiting for Oliver to pay for our tickets, I hang back with Janie as a flurry of screaming children brush past our legs. Their excited squeals are contagious as they jump up and down, each one just desperate to get the show on the road. I catch a look of disgust wash across Janie’s face before she corrects it with a thin smile. Biting my lip, I try not to laugh and follow Oliver through the turnstile. Janie’s hatred of other children is something that I’ve never been able to understand. It’s almost unbelievable that she’s so smitten with Noah. A smiley assistant with a cart carrying a million balloons pauses in front of us, just long enough for the bright colours to catch Noah’s eye.

‘Balloon!’ He shouts, holding out his hands and kicking his legs like a hungry piglet.

What is it with him and balloons lately?

‘What colour do you want?’ Oliver asks, holding his map under his chin and digging around for his wallet.

‘Blue!’ He shouts, pointing at a red one and giggling manically.

‘This one?’ Not bothering to correct him, Oliver hands over some coins in exchange for a bright red, star shaped balloon.

Tying it around Noah’s wrist before it can float away, I snap a photo on my phone before we continue walking. Enchanting music floods out of the speakers that are cleverly hidden in the trees, creating an air of mystery to the already mystical forest setting. The huge purple archway overhead is adorned in shooting stars, with giant glitter balls that appear to be floating in the air. Feeling a little overwhelmed, I look around at the insane crowds of people and try to work out where we start.

‘I say we start in the Magic Woodland.’ Oliver muses, stepping to the side to let a young family pass.

‘Sounds good to me.’ I let him lead the way and follow behind with Noah.

Not having been to Florida before, I didn’t really know what to expect from Orlando’s famous amusement parks. I had generated up an image of something resembling Alton Towers, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. From looking at the map, it easily covers four thousand acres and to say that it’s all encompassing is an understatement. Think Lap Land crossed with Las Vegas and you’re halfway there. An actor dressed as a popular cartoon character pads along the pavement, causing the crowds of children to scream with pleasure. Desperately jumping up and down, they form an orderly queue (sort of) and pose for pictures with the famous green feline.

Smiling to myself as a tiny blonde girl throws herself into the cat’s arms and squeezes him tightly, I look into the pram and I’m surprised to see that Noah is looking over at the group longingly.

‘Do you want to have your photo taken with the cat?’ I ask, crouching down to his level.

Nodding furiously, he attempts to unbuckle himself and we walk over to join the line of hyper children. Totally engrossed in his map, Oliver doesn’t even notice that we have stopped walking. Letting out a sharp whistle, I wave my arms around to gain his attention and shuffle forward. The sun shines brightly down upon us and I find myself wondering how the staff here walk around in those costumes all day.

‘Do you think they get hot in there?’ I whisper to Janie, who is busy filing her nails beside me. ‘It must be over thirty degrees today.’

‘It’s not as bad as you think…’ Pulling down her sunglasses to get a better look at the fluffy cat, she shrugs her shoulders and returns to her nails.

‘How do you know?’ I ask, getting my camera ready and taking a step forward.

Choosing to completely ignore me, she snatches the map out of Oliver’s hands and gets to work at finding the nearest bar. Realising that it’s our turn I hold Noah’s hand as he totters forward. The cat holds out his arms for a hug and he immediately jumps onto his knee. Watching Noah’s face light up as Oliver snaps away with his camera, I feel my heart swell in my chest.

‘Let’s get one of the entire family.’ An elderly American man holds out his hands for my camera and motions for us to gather around.

Standing next to Oliver, I smooth down my dress and check out my reflection in his sunglasses. Oh, God! This humidity does
nothing
for my hair. Telling myself that I will Photoshop the pics later, I wrap my arm around Oliver’s waist and smile for the camera. It’s only after I have been blinded by the flash I realise that Janie is draped seductively over the cat’s knee. With her legs in the air and her boobs barely contained within the constraints of her swimsuit, she couldn’t look more scandalous if she tried. Trying not to show how appalled I am, I thank the kind man for taking the photo and move aside. Scrolling through the pictures, I hit delete and slip the camera back into my pocket.

‘Who’s coming on the Serpent’s Slave with me?’ Oliver raises his eyebrows and points to a rather scary looking entrance in the distance.

‘I’ll stay with Noah.’ I let out a forced sigh and push the pram forward, secretly happy to have an excuse to get out of this one. ‘You guys go on and I’ll take photos.’

‘Mom?’ He asks, taking off his sunglasses and resting them on his baseball cap. ‘Are you feeling brave?’

‘Honey, I was
born
brave!’ Tearing off her handbag, Janie shoves it in my arms before frog marching Oliver towards the frankly terrifying ride.

Deliberately keeping a few steps behind, I try not to laugh as Janie challenges Oliver to ride every rollercoaster in the park ten times over. If I am totally honest, I think I have grown out of the whole being turned upside down at eighty miles an hour thing. For some reason, it just doesn’t do anything for me anymore. Maybe tackling Thorpe Park with Lianna and the world’s worst hangover
might
have something to do with it. Promising myself that I will at least hold Noah on the teacups, I follow the overpowering stench of Janie’s perfume and hover by the entrance. Deciding that the sound effects are a little frightening for a two-year-old, I take the pram and wait by a nearby bench.

My skin sticks to the insanely hot metal, causing me to let out a screech which sets Noah off on a giggling frenzy.

‘Well, I am glad that you find it funny.’ I mutter, grabbing Janie’s handbag and using it as a cushion.

An employee of the park catches my eye and sidles over, despite my attempts to look not interested.

‘Can I get you an ice-cream, ma’am?’ The young redhead points to her cart and pulls out a board. ‘I’ve got whipped cream, cookie sandwiches and everyone’s favourite,
sundaes
.’

‘Ice cream!’ Noah yells, struggling to get out of his pram. ‘Mummy!’

‘I think we need to have our lunch first.’ Attempting to walk away, I am stopped in my tracks by an ear piercing scream.

‘I want ice-cream!
’
Between kicking his legs and screaming louder than Carrie Bradshaw at a Manolo Blahnik sale, he starts to gain the attention of those around us.

Not wanting to cause a scene, I dig around in my pocket for some change. Remembering that all of our cash is in Oliver’s wallet, I smile helplessly at the vendor and try to get Noah to calm down. Obviously being unhappy at not getting his ice-cream, he turns a worrying shade of purple and screams even louder than before. Just as I am wanting the ground to swallow me up, I spot Janie’s handbag on the bench. Surely she wouldn’t mind if I borrowed a few dollars? Quickly grabbing the bag, I fumble with the pink fluffy zip for what feels like an eternity before it finally relents. I jam my hand inside to feel around for a purse, resulting only in spilling the entire contents out onto the floor in front of me.

‘Sh…
sugar!
’ I groan, dropping to my knees and scrambling around on the pavement.

Luckily a couple of tourists come to my rescue and start gathering up Janie’s belongings. Tossing in numerous red lipsticks, anti-aging pills and a ton of Xanax, I push myself to my feet and pass the vendor a handful of coins.
All that for a bloody ice-cream!
Accepting a huge sundae, I tear off the wrapper and pass it to Noah, who has replaced his tears with cries of joy.

Deciding to make a swift exit and escape into the gift shop, I take the pram by the handles and attempt to squeeze through the crowd. Just as I am pushing my way inside, I feel a tiny tap on my shoulder.

‘Excuse me, ma’am?’

Spinning around to see an elderly gentleman who is inanely grinning from ear to ear, I return his smile and shield my eyes from the sunshine.

‘You dropped these…’

Looking down at his open palm, my jaw drops to the floor as I realise that he is holding out a giant pack of strawberry flavoured condoms. My cheeks burn like hot lava as I snatch the box out of his hands and throw it under the pram. Not daring to look him in the eye for fear of dying of embarrassment, I turn on my heels and scurry inside. Thankfully Noah is too busy devouring his ice-cream to notice the X-rated package that is now hiding beneath his nappy bag. What the hell is
Janie
doing with a jumbo pack of prophylactics? She is most certainly past childbearing age and her husband is over a thousand miles away in Texas! Feeling rather nauseated at the thought of my mother-in-law doing
anything
that could cause a need for condoms, I strategically stand beneath the air conditioning and wait for my face to return to its normal shade.

Once confident that I’m not going to spontaneously combust, I slip the offending box into Janie’s handbag and make my way back to the bench. In a stroke of luck, anyone who witnessed my handbag incident seems to have disappeared and in their place are a bunch of new faces. A cart whizzes past on the tracks overhead, causing the waiting crowd to erupt into cheers. Suddenly remembering that I promised to take photos, I grab my camera and snap away idly. Just as I’m about to slip my camera back into my bag, a second cart fires along. Oh, maybe they’re on that one? Quickly getting a picture of that one too, I perch on the bench and keep my eyes fixed on the exit. They are so high up that they won’t be able to tell either way, hopefully.

A moment later I spot Janie’s familiar beehive bobbing around in the crowd and raise my hand in acknowledgement. Her tattooed on eyebrows are arched higher than ever as she holds onto Oliver’s arm for dear life. It looks like someone isn’t so brave after all. Oliver on the other hand is beaming from ear to ear, his curls blown back from being thrown around like a ragdoll.

‘Did you get a picture?’ He asks, reaching out for the camera.

‘Mmm hmm…’ Handing it over, I point to the tiny specs in the corner of the screen. ‘There you are.’

Taking off his sunglasses, he squints at the camera unconvinced before breaking into laughter. ‘It was
awesome!
Mom nearly passed out!’

‘I most certainly did not!’ Janie fires back, seeming a little unsteady on her feet. ‘Is there anywhere to get a drink around here?’

‘Need a little something to settle your nerves?’ Oliver teases, strategically placing himself out of Janie’s reach.

Hitting him on the arm, I hand him Noah’s pram before pulling Janie to one side.

‘Here’s your handbag. I borrowed some money to buy Noah an ice-cream, I hope you don’t mind.’ Watching her reaction, I hand over the fluffy bag and wait for a response.

‘Not at all.’ Slipping the handbag onto her shoulder, she drops down the straps on her swimsuit and carries on walking.

Not being able to bring myself to mention the Hefner worthy stash of condoms, I chew the inside of my cheek and follow her lead. Just when I thought that nothing Janie did could surprise me, she goes and does something like this. Not that she intended for me to go rifling through her handbag and discovering her berry flavoured birth control, obviously.