Clarity of Lines (12 page)

Cooper took my hand and led me to the sofa. “You guys sit down. I’m sure you have a lot of things to discuss,” he said to us. “I’ll make some hot tea.”

He just took charge. He tidied up, put the leftover, uneaten dinner in the fridge and came back with a tray of herbal tea and cups.

“When my grandma died,” he explained softly, “my mom served a lot of chamomile and peppermint tea. It’s supposed to be calming and good for the soul.” He sat down next to me and started to pour some of the hot brew into one of the four cups, then he stopped and looked up. “I think that’s the gayest thing I’ve ever said.”

Ryan snorted out a laugh, which made me chuckle. Even Sofia smiled. It was a much-needed release from the tears and the grief.

Cooper finished pouring the tea and I told him my mom was asleep in the spare room. We weren’t sure what tomorrow would bring, but we’d deal with it the best we could.

He sat particularly close to me, with one leg tucked up underneath him, a part of him always touching me. Just having him there was a relief, like I could somehow bear the loss of my father if Cooper was with me.

The weight of the day, the irreparable loss, finally settled over me. I was suddenly exhausted and could barely keep my eyes open. When I stifled a yawn, Cooper suggested I go to bed.

He gave my leg a squeeze, got up from the sofa, and cleared away the tray and the tea. Cooper disappeared down the hall, came back with linen and kicked us off the sofa so Ryan and Sofia would have somewhere to sleep. I think his insistence might have surprised Sofia, but Ryan and I weren’t surprised at all.

I offered to help, but he shooed me away. “You go in and have a hot shower,” he said gently. “It will make you feel better. I’ll get this all sorted.”

I loved his ability to just take charge, to know I needed someone to take care of things, to take care of me. And he just did it. He just knew.

I stood under the stream of the hot water and the realisation that I’d lost my father hit me again. My own mortality hit me. How quickly life could change, how it could be changed forever in a heartbeat. I worried about my mother, how she would cope, how she would get through this.

Selfishly, I wondered how my life would change after today. Would my mom need to live with me? What would that mean for me and Cooper?

I shut off the water, and as I got dressed into sleep pants and a T-shirt, I could hear someone was in the other shower in the main bathroom. Then I could hear two voices coming from the living room.

Soft voices, and at first I assumed it was Cooper and Ryan. But as I got to the hallway, I realised it was Cooper and Sofia.

I knew I shouldn’t have been listening. It was a private conversation. But it sounded amicable, so I stood there, where they couldn’t see me, and listened.

“Did he really ask you to move in with him?” Sofia asked.

“Yes,” Cooper answered honestly. “Several times.”

“Why did you say no?”

Cooper laughed. “I like to keep him on his toes.”

“But you want to move in with him?” Sofia asked.

I thought about moving, walking out so they’d hear me. I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear his answer. I didn’t think I could cope with hearing why. But then he spoke.

“Of course I do,” he said quietly. “I love him.”

My heart swelled in my chest at his words, my eyes filled with tears and I smiled.

“You know,” Sofia started, “I’ve known Tom for a long time. Since we were kids ourselves. We’ve been through a lot,” she said. “I’ve been with him through everything—the highs and lows of his career, parenthood…”

I wondered where she was going with this, and I almost interrupted them.

But then she let out a nervous breath. “But tonight, when you walked into this apartment, when he saw you…the way he looked at you…” She paused for a moment and her voice was quiet. “In all the years we were together, not once did he ever look at me like that.”

“Sofia…” Cooper started to speak.

“It’s okay, Cooper,” she said. “Really, it is. In a way, I’m glad.”

“Glad?”

Sofia sighed again. “When I first learnt that he and you were… Well, I thought it was just some fling. I thought it was something he’d get over,” she admitted. “But I can see now that it’s not.”

“No, it’s not,” he replied. His tone was soft and agreeable.

“So I’m glad,” she repeated. “I’m glad he has you.”

The water from Ryan’s shower cut off, and so I wasn’t caught eavesdropping in the hallway, I had to move. I walked out into the living room. Cooper and Sofia were sitting at the dining table, and he stood up when I walked in. “Feel a bit better?”

I smiled at him. “Yeah, but I should go to bed. No doubt Mom will be up with the sun in the morning.” Sliding my hand along Cooper’s arm, I gave him a soft kiss.

“I won’t be long,” he whispered.

I mouthed the words ‘I love you’ so only he could see, then I kissed Sofia on the forehead. “Thank you for being here,” I told her. And I meant it.

I said a quiet goodnight to Ryan as he walked out, gave him a hug, and I climbed into bed. As exhausted as I was, as emotionally drained as I was, I closed my eyes but sleep wouldn’t come.

Soon after, familiar, strong arms wrapped around me and I turned to face him. It was only when Cooper tucked me into his side, and kissed my forehead, that I fell into sleep.

Chapter Thirteen

I woke up and smiled at Cooper’s sleeping form beside me. Then I remembered the events of yesterday—that my father had died.

My stomach knotted and my heart sank.

Then I remembered my mother was asleep in the room across the hall.

It was still early, so I threw on some jeans and a shirt and quietly set about making breakfast.

Cooper, sleep-rumpled and gorgeous, woke up at the scent of coffee. Ryan woke up at the smell of toast. Sofia smiled at the both of them playfully bickering over who would eat first as she packed up the bed linen from the sofas in the living room.

I worried Cooper might find it weird that he was having breakfast with my son and my ex-wife, but he seemed to take it all in stride. He took over the kitchen like he owned it, finishing up cooking and cleaning.

But then my mother walked out to where we were. She looked like hell. Her eyes were red and puffy, she looked pale and…heartbroken.

I walked over to her and gave her a hug. “Coffee?” I asked, and she nodded.

She sat down on the sofa, and when I looked over at Cooper, he looked nervous. He grabbed a coffee cup and before he could pour it, Sofia was beside him. “Go,” she murmured.

It was then that my mother looked to who else was there. Her eyes landed on Cooper.

I cleared my throat. “Ah, Mom?” I said, and she looked at me. “I want you to meet someone.”

Cooper’s eyes darted to mine, but he walked around the kitchen island bench, nervously wiping the palms of his hands on his thighs.

I took Cooper’s hand and we sat down across from my mother. “Mom, this is Cooper Jones,” I said. I figured there was no easy way to say this, and there was no point in beating around the bush. “Cooper and I are together, Mom. We’re dating.”

My mother blinked. And then blinked again.

“I’m gay, Mom,” I told her. “I know the timing is horrible. I know you’re dealing with a lot right now, but in light of yesterday…with Dad… I don’t want to wait another day. I don’t want to keep any secrets from you.”

Mom was quiet, unmoving.

“I’m in love with Cooper,” I told her gently. “And life’s too damn short, Mom.”

Cooper squeezed my hand, just as Sofia brought over a cup of coffee and handed it to Mom. Then Sofia sat down next to my mother and squeezed her hand.

Mom looked at her. “You know about this?”

“I do,” Sofia said with a gentle smile. “It’s okay. I didn’t take it well at first, I’ll admit to that. But yesterday, well, yesterday I saw them in a different light.”

Mom looked at Cooper then, studied him for a long moment then looked at me. “A boy?”

“Not a boy,” I corrected softly. “A man. And yes.”

Mom put her coffee down on the side table untouched. “You’re telling me this today?”

“Today especially,” I said softly. My eyes burned with unshed tears. I didn’t want this to go to badly. I knew the timing was awful, but I had to tell her. She had to know. “Today especially, Mom. After yesterday…losing Dad… Mom, if there was ever a day to tell you how much I loved someone, then today is it.”

Mom’s lip trembled, and she blinked back tears. Deciding to ignore my point of conversation altogether, she picked up her coffee again with shaking hands and said, “I need to call the hospital, I guess. I need to make a lot of calls and tell people…”

“Mom, I can phone them,” I offered. “Just tell me who you want me to call.”

Then Mom started to talk about letting the Country Club know, and an aunt who lived on the West Coast, and how Julia, her next-door neighbour, must be worried sick.

“I’ll take you home if you want,” I said softly.

“Would you, dear?” she said. “I have a lot to do.” Then her eyes welled with tears. “I’m not sure how I’ll do it without him…”

Ryan walked around then, and hugged his Grandma. “We’re here to help you,” he said. “All of us.” I couldn’t help but smile at Ryan’s inclusion of Cooper, and I squeezed Cooper’s hand.

“I’ll just go freshen up first,” Mom said before she stood, leaving us all in the living room and walked down the hall.

Cooper ran his hand up my back and into my hair, and he pulled me against him. “I’m sorry,” I whispered to him.

He kissed the side of my head and whispered, “Don’t apologise.”

Sofia stood up. “I can take her home, if you’d like, Tom.”

For a moment, I considered it. “I’ll take her,” I said. “But thank you for the offer.” I looked at Cooper. “I just wish I didn’t have to leave you.”

“You need to go,” he said with serious eyes. “You need to be with your mom.”

As much as I needed to be with Cooper, I needed to be with my Mom more. “What will you do?”

“He’ll come home with me,” Ryan interrupted. “I have a new X-box 3-D that needs playing,” he went on to say. Then he shrugged. “And I could use the company.”

Cooper smiled, and looked at Ryan, Sofia then me. “Don’t worry about me, silly. You go, take care of your mom.”

I think everyone knew I was worried about how I’d be without him, not the other way around, but no one acknowledged it out loud.

Five minutes later, I kissed Cooper soundly, told them I’d call each of them, and took my mother home.

We spent the day making phone calls, and making arrangements. It was emotionally draining, and by the time Mom put herself to bed, I didn’t want to leave her in the house alone.

I called Ryan then Sofia, like I said I would, then I called Cooper. I spoke in a whisper, not wanting to wake my mother, but desperately needing to hear his voice.

I told him I wouldn’t be back for another night at least, that I’d call the office in the morning and request a week’s leave. “They’re hoping to have the funeral on Thursday,” I told him. “Do you think you could come with me?”

“Oh, Tom,” he whispered into the phone. “Of course I’ll be there.”

I sighed, almost with relief, knowing he’d be with me. “I miss you,” I said rather pathetically.

“Babe, I’m just a phone call away,” he replied. “But if you need me to come there, I’ll leave right now.”

I smiled sadly into the phone. “Just hearing your voice is enough. But thank you.”

“You sound tired,” he said softly. “Don’t hang up. Go to bed, and we can talk again when you’re ready for sleep.”

I walked into the guest bedroom and leaving my jeans on the floor, I climbed into bed, and we talked.

Quietly, tenderly, without any physical contact, we spoke for hours. Cooper knew I needed him on some level, like he always just knew.

I loved him, this man who was half my age and twice as strong as me.

I’d never loved him more.

* * * *

The next morning, I called work and spoke to Robert Chandler and explained I needed some time off. He sent warm, honest condolences and told me to take as much time as I needed. Then I spent the rest of the day at the hospital and it was that night it really hit my mom that my dad was gone.

She cried and cried and spent the entire evening wandering around the house, trying to keep busy. She had phone call after phone call of people with good intentions, but in the end I started answering the phone for her.

It was a restless night, but Tuesday was marginally better. I spent the entire time with her, rarely leaving her side, yet she never once mentioned my little coming out speech, and she never mentioned Cooper.

It wasn’t surprising. It was typical of my mother to ignore subjects she didn’t want to discuss. I did mention Cooper in conversation a few times, but she never asked me anything. It was hardly the time to bring it up. She knew I was gay, she knew I was in love with someone special, and that was all I wanted.

By Tuesday evening, I couldn’t put it off any longer. I needed to go home, back to New York. I needed to get clothes for the funeral, so Mom’s neighbour Julia kindly offered to stay with her. I drove straight back to the city, and didn’t even bother going home.

I drove straight to Cooper’s.

He opened the door to his shoebox apartment and the second he saw me, he pulled me straight into his arms.

He was like fucking oxygen to drowning lungs.

He took me straight to bed, holding me so damn tight as he made love to me. He kissed me so reverently, he wiped my tears and his eyes never left mine as he rocked his hips into mine. He filled me so completely—physically, emotionally.

He just knew. He knew exactly what I needed, and he gave it to me without question.

I woke with my face to his chest, and his long fingers tracing circles on my back. He had to go to work, and I had to go back to Mom’s. But with a soft kiss and a whispered ‘I love you’ we went our separate ways.

I was kept busy with final funeral arrangements, and organising the wake. I spoke to Cooper briefly on the phone Wednesday night, and by the time we were ready for the funeral on Thursday, I was just about ready to unravel.